Not Quite Right features discussions that are unfiltered and uncensored,
and may include themes that are inappropriate for younger listeners.
Also, I swear a lot.
Something doesn't seem quite right.
Welcome to not quite right.
My name's Ed and I'm Amanda.
This is the 5th and final daredevil for our January 2025 round.
So daredevils are people who have signed up for the privilege of having their
stories torn to shreds on the podcast.
Why would you?
Why indeed?
We ask ourselves that every day, and yet here we are once again.
And as a reminder, the prompts for the January round were
the word ring, the action opening a door, and the anti prompt of break the rule.
Write what you know.
And today's Guinea pig is Eilish 4 Wells.
We've heard from Eilish before though.
We have.
She's actually entered a few rounds of the comp and most notably the last round
of October where she came in 3rd place.
Yes.
And now setting herself up for a beating and like look,
I have to say she came very close to the long list this time around as well.
I think out of all of our daredevils looking at like our rankings,
this one came very close.
It was on the like the greater long list, I guess,
and we cut it to get it down to 40.
This is one of the ones.
It's got a horrifying little mark against it, which is cut.
That's right.
So we unfortunately have the cut.
I don't know how many this time around.
Usually about a dozen from the list to make the the long list.
So that's how close you were this time.
Irish.
So like good news or bad news??
I don't know.
But that's the way it was.
And maybe you don't need that much advice because you have been on the shortlist
before.
But I think it doesn't matter, right, Because you also want to know what you do.
Well, yeah, it's important to know because you want
to replicate it, right?
It's one thing to win or place once, and it's another do it consistently.
And some people do do it consistently.
And so how do we get there, right?
Like, there's there's just levels, right.
Never ends.
You can't just ever, like, rest on your laurels.
You have to constantly be looking at, OK, what could I be doing differently or
better?
So I think this is an opportunity to just, like, get into the nitty gritty.
Yeah.
So Eilish's third place story in October was the tip of the tongue, the teeth,
the lips.
And you know, listeners might remember that one.
That was the one where the protagonist voice was stolen.
She claimed it back at the end and we praised the voice in that story and also
the the characterization which we loved.
So this time around, Eilish's story is called It's a Fool's
Game.
Will you do the honours this time?
I will do the honours.
So I'll be reading out the story and then we'll come back to talk about it.
1-2 My life's work lies in disarray around me.
Shells of abandoned metallic hearts with exposed dangling wires and peeling,
rusted mesh.
Number 142 sits before me, an ugly creature forged from the
harvested parts of its failed predecessors.
I set my tools down.
My hands tremble, so I press them into my armpits to keep
my fingers warm.
I stare at my creation.
The soldering is too thick, the engraving crooked.
I don't have time for 143.
This heart must beat 3-4.
Savage salty wind rips through the hanger I call my workshop.
It housed planes during the war.
Now I've gutted them for their parts, bastardising the bolts and engines.
The hanger perches on a Cliff top, the sea gnawing away at the chalk below.
It's only a matter of time before we both collapse and are swallowed by the
unrelenting waves.
5-6 Her heart had grown weary, a withered pump that only had so many
beats to drum.
Disease tears hearts apart more efficiently than any lover.
Now she sleeps in a knot of wires and tubes,
a mutated spider's web engulfing a cryo chamber.
My bedded armchair sits beside it, our coffee table in between.
I lift the chamber's lid.
Good morning, sweet.
Her open eyes stare upwards.
How can I say no to you?
I'll make the tea this morning, but tomorrow it's your turn, Darjeeling.
Today I think.
78I spark the flame under the chipped enamel kettle.
My thumb brushes over the flaking red paint of our initials,
a little touch of colour to brighten up the dull steel.
The kettle takes longer to boil these days,
but it never fails to make the perfect cup of tea.
910 set her mug down on the yellow :) coaster she bought them on our trip to
Brighton.
They would do the smiling for us, she said.
My hands shake as I sink into my chair.
Clumsy me.
Hey, dove, I've spilt a little.
Cold air collides with hot tea.
Tendrils of steam curl towards the rafters.
I watch, guessing how far they'll rise before
dissipating into nothingness.
We chat while I sip.
I drink down to the tepered dregs.
1112 There's only one thing left to do.
My love.
1314.
I heave myself up and look at her.
Her porcelain chest is dominated by a metal panel.
With delicate hands, I ease the door open, exposing the empty cavern within.
I cradle the makeshift hard it's heavy metal, cold against my touch,
and lower it into place.
The wires wrap themselves around it, 8 long legs gripping tightly to its new
machine core.
I rest my forehead against hers.
Time to wake up, Tier one.
I flick the switch.
1516 Of all my attempts, the strongest heart had only fought for
21 beats.
Electricity crackles, metal shutters.
The heart contracts, slowly creaking as it forms the
beginnings of a pulse.
1718 I close my eyes and count 1920 So thank you Eilish for that story.
And I think Eilish has left us a message as well.
Hello, not quite right podcast.
It's Eilish 4 Wales from Scotland.
I'm looking forward to listening to my Daredevil episode.
Well actually I'm really nervous and I'll be drinking wine while listening.
I wrote my story and tackled the empty prompt by playing with the concept of an
unreliable narrator and a cliffhanger ending,
and I'd love to know what you guys think.
What a coincidence, Eilish, because we're also drinking wine.
Yeah, all drink wine together.
Yes, why not?
And you mentioned a unreliable narrator.
That's funny because I don't know if we picked up on that.
No, definitely not.
That wasn't something that I took from that.
I guess that there are some fairly apparent points where it is unreliable.
That is like the serving of the tea to a non existent person.
Basically, the point that is an element, but I wonder if there is something deeper
of some fundamental part of that relationship that is not made clear.
Maybe he's got, you know, darker intentions towards this person
that he's reanimating.
Yeah.
I mean, it's not necessarily the most PC thing to
do.
No.
It's interesting.
It's an interesting question.
And we'd love to hear what it is specifically about his narration that is
unreliable.
Is it just those actions of like serving tea and or is it something deeper about
his intentions?
Yeah.
And Eilish has also shared with us a little bit of information in the brief
explanation.
And she writes for the anti prompt.
I was playing with the idea that neither the reader nor the author know the ending.
You can also argue that I do not possess the skills or knowledge to achieve what
is happening in the story, but then perhaps neither does my
character.
Yeah.
So this is a story that, I mean, when I read this,
reminded me of the episode we did on poor things, you know.
Oh, yeah.
Frankenstein idea that has that kind of vibe to it, doesn't it?
It's got a bit of a 12 jars vibe to it as well.
It does.
Yeah.
With the with the repetition and the beating and the heart.
So let's go through the story as we do and starting with the title.
And the title is it's a fool's game.
Like what do you think of the title?
Well, like all the titles of the Daredevils
this round, I would challenge it.
And again, just stepping off my high horse a little,
maybe falling off it into the dust to say it's a bit of a cliche, right?
And I'm not sure that it is supported by the story or that it supports the story.
And I'm not sure that it does anything to remind me of the story that we have read.
So the memorable parts of this story are this idea of like a mechanical heart and
the 21 beats like these are sort of the memorable things.
And I guess to me the title, a much more generic It's a Fool's Game,
does not link in any memorable way to those aspects.
I agree.
Actually, there's a little bit of an extra tidbit
here because Eilish has mentioned in her brief explanation, apologies,
this is a resubmission and I've updated the title.
Previously it was the Modern Sleeping Beauty,
so it'd be interesting to know Eilish, why you made that choice.
I'm not sure the modern Sleeping Beauty is necessarily a, a better or worse title.
It's probably more resonant with the story.
I I would say.
And once again, like it's not about the title, right?
Like, at the end of the day, that's irrelevant.
The only reason we bring it up is because it can help us connect with your story
and then remember it later, like when we're doing our judging and be
like, oh, yeah, that's that one.
And I'm not sure to what extent that will impact your chances of being chosen.
But, you know, at the same time, like, we're always working towards improving
our craft.
And part of that is the title of the story.
And I think in this case, definitely there was room to come up with
something that was a little bit more resonant or a little bit more connected
to the story.
And we do have an article on our website about choosing a title.
And there are different ways of choosing a title that is effective.
Not every title can do everything.
There's different ways of being an effective title.
So 1 might be that it's like a clever idea that sort of piques your interest.
1 might be that it reminds you of the story that you've just read.
1 might be that it really matches the tone of the story that's to follow.
So there's different ways of having an effective title,
but I think it's worth considering.
I mean, this assumes that you have enough time to
stuff around with your title, which most people are leaving things to
the last minute.
And in which case I would say absolutely prioritise the quality of your story
first.
So I will say like this idea of the modern day Sleeping Beauty or the modern
Sleeping Beauty, which is Eilish's initial title for me,
I feel like that is actually what the core of this story is.
Or maybe that was the inspiration to this story because there is,
we've got this protagonist who's animating a woman basically.
And there is a creepy element to that as well.
Like this idea of like, what's he doing it for and what's going
on here?
And yeah, like I like that maybe not necessarily as
a title, but that connection being made between
like Sleeping Beauty.
I don't know if it is modern day or if it's kind of,
it does also have this retro Frankenstein view about it,
a bit of a steampunk kind of vibe almost.
But I think that idea of Sleeping Beauty and how that is an idea that's inserted
into this story, I think that's quite compelling.
OK, so let's move on to the story.
Yeah, let's do it.
So we begin with 1-2.
And it's that heartbeat motif that kind of goes through the story.
So I really like that as an idea.
I'm not sure that it is fully delivered here.
And the reason I say that is because the heartbeat implies like a steady rhythm
throughout the story.
Not only implies like that's what it's giving you, right, a steady rhythm.
But within the story, we're actually jumping forward and back a
little bit.
Like there is no steady rhythm in terms of the action that's happening.
So sometimes more stuff happens where you can imagine several minutes have passed.
Other times, like it's just a moment.
And so therefore reading it, you don't feel that steady pulse
basically.
And the other challenge I would give to that is that we have this idea which is
set up where the protagonist says, basically the best I've ever done in the
past is 21 beats.
And in this story we get to 20 beats and we're waiting to see what weather I guess
we match that.
And while that's a compelling idea, I'm not sure that that's the point, right?
Like 21 beats is not much.
And we've established that already.
Like the best I've ever done is 21 beats.
And we're just trying to see if we got there and we'll get to the ending.
But we have our protagonist, like, closing his eyes to basically wait and
see if he gets to 21 beats.
And like, isn't that not time wasted with your
loved one?
They're alive.
I don't know.
So it's a delicate thing, I suppose, but I'm not sure that those beats were
really used in a way that kept that rhythm for me and made me feel engaged in
that heartbeat.
And I think part of that is that we don't know from the outset that it is a
heartbeat.
We don't know that until very quite late, actually.
So the counting doesn't mean anything more than what it is.
And I think that's important information that we probably need right up front.
Maybe that information about the best I've ever done is 21 beats needs to come
like right at the start so that that has meaning as we progress throughout the
story.
Well, I mean, you brought this up in the in the Long
List episode, talking about a lot of stories ending
with the question mark or an open door and an ambiguous ending.
And a few of the Daredevil stories actually had that same ending,
like ending a little bit ambiguously.
And in this case, what that heartbeat does is set up a
payoff at the end, right?
And I feel like it could have been a good payoff.
I've just looked back over the story now, and this concept of, of all my attempts,
the strongest heart had only fought for 21 beats.
That's actually like only a couple of lines before the end.
And so we've gone through the whole story before.
We got the real setup and then like very shortly afterwards,
that setup is not paid off.
So we need to bring that setup right to the front and then like you say,
in some way pay that off.
And I'm not sure how exactly, but I do think that that was a learning
from this round and I think it was something that a lot of people did.
And I get why, like, let's look at the not knowing part.
And I'm not sure that that makes a satisfying story when we leave it as like,
we don't know what happens in the end.
I think in stories, we need to know what happens in the end
or we need to have a very strong clue as to what happens in the end for that to
feel satisfying.
And if we don't have that, then it's not really a story.
And look, you know, in many ways this was a complete story.
Like we did have a lot there to go on.
But just in terms of that counting that we're talking about,
I don't feel that that was paid off by that ending.
All right, So we get into the first section there.
My life's work lies in disarray around me.
And then we have a description of like, the area,
the fact that this is number 142.
That sets up the fact that there were 141 before her.
And then, you know, I set my tools down.
My hands tremble, so I press them into my armpits to keep
my fingers warm.
What this all does for me I think is really create that atmosphere and vibe.
And I think the vibe of this story is very strong,
just as it was for Eilish's story last round.
Like that really had a really strong vibe.
And I think what we said about that story was there wasn't that much description,
but we felt like we were there, you know, like we were in that room with those
characters.
Like there was just enough that we got it.
I think she does this very well.
I think we get that vibe through again in this story.
But one of the challenges, I guess, that you have in this scenario is that
there's only one character in the story.
So there's no interaction between Mr Frankenstein and anyone else, really.
It's very internal.
Yeah.
And, you know, you've challenged yourself, I guess,
to describe things and try to keep it external and keep it.
Yeah, active.
But there is no interaction in this, which is, which is a bit of a challenge.
Yeah.
And so like, I'd like to come back to the this opening
'cause I think it's really powerful, but just based on what you're saying
there, like there's a whole 3rd at least of the
story where he's just making and serving tea.
And to me, that's not compelling enough.
Like it's the Frankenstein part, right?
That is the compelling part of this story.
And while that making tea is a nice intimate moment that sort of gives us
maybe an image of this couple before, it's not enough to sustain 1/3 of this
story.
And as you say, because they're not even interacting.
It's just him on one side and we're focused on and whether the kettle is
boiling quickly or not.
And I'm not sure that that's the crux of this story here.
Like where is their back story?
Where is this couple?
I'm assuming they're a couple, right?
Like an old married couple kind of thing.
And he's lost her.
That's that's my assumption.
But we don't actually have any of that.
We don't have any of this beautiful like what came before.
All we've got is the now.
And while I'm loathe to suggest sort of introducing back story, I mean,
we know Eilish does that well because we had back story very artfully introduced
in that tip of the tongue story.
And I think maybe a little bit of that would have helped here.
Yeah.
So I'm.
I'm interested in what you think there because you've got this view of like it's
a couple and he's trying to reanimate what his wife.
I guess I was just confused by a couple of descriptions there where this
description saying number 142 is an ugly creature forged from the harvested parts
of its failed predecessors, which is different to reanimating a like
a loved one.
Yeah, it is.
I guess I had imagined that those were all of his attempts to reanimate his wife.
But yeah, maybe that's information that we need.
Maybe that's me injecting something that wasn't there.
I'm not sure.
But I just want to jump back to that opening because I I really do think it
was strong.
And we have a lot of criticisms in these Daredevil episodes,
but it's nice to also call out the things that are done well because we want to not
only think, oh, what am I doing wrong, but also like, what can I replicate?
Like what can I do again?
And I do think that this opening was really strong.
So those sensory details of the rust and the wires, the dangling wires,
rusting mesh, all of that stuff is really great for
setting a scene and like you say, a vibe.
Like it definitely sets a vibe as well.
And as you indicated number 142, that implies 141 other attempts prior to
that.
You never need to say that.
That's just implied.
It's just really lovely scene settings.
So in a couple of these daredevils, we've sort of suggested we need a little
bit more around like where are we now?
What happens here is that we actually zoom out.
So we start with there's these wires and this rusting mesh and then we zoom out a
little bit and we're in a hanger.
And then we zoom out a little bit again and we're on a Cliff top and we zoom out
a little bit again and it's like a chalky Cliff and you know,
the waves are going to take it away.
And to me that's really cool.
Like it's almost, you can picture the panning camera.
Can't you like in a in a movie scene of like we've started in this moment with
this tinkering guy and then we've zoomed out, panned out to establish the setting.
And I think that's powerful.
Like because the setting has become relevant here.
Like maybe it wouldn't normally be relevant.
Maybe all we ever need to be is inside the hangar.
But Eilish has introduced this idea of like soon it's all going to be destroyed
and it's all going to fall away.
And I think that is very compelling.
And if we talk about post single effect, like that is contributing to this idea of
like death and like the end.
And you know, that works for me.
So I, I really felt like this opening was a
very strong opening.
It did evoke not just a picture, but also a feeling.
And I think that's really cool and also a line of conflict.
So right at the end of that paragraph, the opening paragraph,
I don't have time for 143.
This heart must beat.
So we've established in that opening what we need to achieve by the end of this
story.
And I think that is such a, like, important component that is missing in a
lot of stories.
Like, tell us right at the start, what do we care about as readers?
What are we waiting to find out?
Like, what are we, you know, on the edge of our seats about?
And that's it.
This heart must be.
And so I don't know.
There's a lot to learn from that.
Like you've said, a scene, you've got your characters,
and you've also got the central conflict of the story all in one paragraph.
I think that's really well done.
Yeah, absolutely.
And then we get the back story, I guess, of his motivations there.
Her heart had grown weary.
A withered pump that had only had so many beats to drum disease tears hearts apart
more efficiently than any lover, which is a great line.
Yeah, I have that underlined now.
She slips the knot of wires and tubes and mutated spider webs engulfing a cryo
chamber.
And so we kind of complete the picture here.
What does he want?
And then what's his back story?
So that's, I guess, quite efficiently and evocatively done.
And so then we move into this interaction that he has.
And so the protagonist here is not named, but we see triggered.
Yeah.
I mean, it's not a deal killer.
And it's also, I think, hard to name a protagonist when it's
first person as well.
Totally.
Yeah.
So again, this is, I think, you know, reaching this point in the story and
there is only one character.
It's a challenge.
Like, how do I go forward from here?
So I can see the way that you've taken is, is to have him interact with her in a way
that you would with a person.
And I think that's quite clever.
And it also reveals a bit more about his personality as a bit of a weirdo, I guess,
like, you know, and, but also the love that he has for her.
But it is also a limit of this story in terms of what you can put on the page.
Yeah.
And like I indicated before, we're spending like 1/3 of this story
sort of making tea and spilling tea.
And I think that's an issue because it doesn't sustain that tension,
though we've set up the tension in the very first paragraph of this heart must
be.
But then we're having tea.
Well, why does she need a heartbeat?
If you're already having tea together, you don't seem really stressed about
rushing to get this heart moving.
You don't like, seem to be acting as if you're under any
pressure.
You're just having a cup of tea.
So now the reader is like, well, where's the tension?
Like what you told me a second ago, we were desperate to see if this heart
would beat.
And now we've gone off on this tangent where we're having tea together.
And I feel like a more compelling way to progress this story would be to show him
struggling to keep her alive, not to necessarily chill out with a cup
of tea, which is nice in the sense that we're
looking at maybe a bit of back story there.
Like, what were they like before?
This is how I pictured it.
But I think more compelling would be what's happening now.
Like what's he trying to preserve?
What happens if he fails on this attempt 143?
Like what then?
We don't know because it seems like he doesn't.
It's not that face.
He's just going to see what happens.
And it's a bit of a quirky inventor, and it'll either work or it doesn't work.
And he's still going to just have tea with her corpse.
Yeah.
So it doesn't.
Well, I guess, I guess we know the stakes at this point,
but there's no time pressure for him, right?
He's still kind of set it up and he's like, well, this is going to work,
but he hasn't switched it on yet.
But we've literally got this ticking clock.
Yeah, we do.
And that's the other thing that I found a little bit confusing is that it's almost
like at the start of the story, he's already.
Yeah, switched her on.
If we're if we're going with that, that count.
But then it's not till later that he's, you know,
pulling that switch and it's like, well, is her heart beating or not?
And clearly not because you've had enough time to boil a kettle.
But then why is that count happening?
And that's, yeah, that's the challenge for me.
Yeah, it is a point of confusion because we
have about maybe 3/4 or more of the way through.
We have I flick the switch and then immediately followed by 1516.
So we're already at 1516.
But like, I really love the lines here and the
descriptions and just, you know.
Her porcelain chest is dominated by a metal panel.
With delicate hands, I ease the door open, exposing the empty cabin within.
I cradle the makeshift heart.
It's all very evocative.
And it's all very, like, sensory.
There's, you know, the cold air is always a theme that comes
through, which is very hard to identify with right
now.
And sweltering, but it's there.
And it's, it is all very evocative and beautifully
written.
Yeah, I guess this is where I guess some of the
confusion comes in for me.
So we've got this porcelain chest and he opens it and it's an empty cavity.
And that is like the part that my brain can't connect with.
Like, so she doesn't have a heart, first of all.
What's with the counting then?
But also, what are we preserving?
Like, wouldn't she be rotting and dead, like, And I mean,
there is a question mark over whether this is really a person or whether it's
kind of like an Android or something like that.
Like, it's not necessarily his dead wife, which is what I've, I guess,
filled in the blanks with here.
But at the same time, like, if she's already not there,
where's the rush to preserve her?
And I think that's an important question because we've got this.
143 is my last chance to get it right.
But get what?
Right.
Like, she's she's not there.
And like, there's no imminent threat of her getting
any worse.
He's already enjoying tea with her with nothing in her.
So why are we now worried about getting the heart started?
Yeah, I guess that the picture that's painted
for me is, I mean, it's probably pretty similar to the one
that you've gotten is the idea of this man who is so like devastated by the loss
that he started basically, or I'm going to try and bring him back.
And he did trial 1 and that didn't go well.
And then now he's got us this string of 141 corpses, basically hearts,
bits and pieces.
And we're up to 142.
And it says at the opening like that they've it's made up of like all of the
failed bits.
So he's, he's taken bits and pieces and pulled out
so much of her that there is like very little left.
But still, he's obsessed and the things that are
driving him and, and #1 how much longer can he keep going?
He said.
I can't do one more.
And, and I don't know if it's a case of I
literally can't or if it's just like I'm at the end of my rope.
I cannot handle another disappointment kind of thing.
We have that external force of like, maybe the hangar's gonna crash against
the rocks and fall into the sea.
I don't know how realistic that is and how it doesn't feel like an imminent
threat.
Yeah, 'cause otherwise, you know, move your workshop kind of thing.
But like, I think that's more of a metaphor, right?
Or more, more evocative in that way.
I get the feeling that it's more just, look, he's at the end of his rope.
Yeah.
He can't do this one again.
He can't face that disappointment of having her die essentially one more time
after just 21 heartbeats or whatever.
Yeah.
I think all that stuff's really important.
Like, I think we need to think through exactly
what's happening here.
And maybe Eilish has a view of what exactly is happening.
But you know, I caught some things on the community,
some comments on Eilish's story and it seemed to me that Eilish's intention here
was to sort of look at, well, we don't know exactly what's going on
here.
And again, that anti prompt comes into play of is
this a human?
Is it some sort of Android, robot, whatever.
And like leaving that as a question mark.
And that's fine.
Like that's within your rights as the artist to create that ambiguity.
But I think as a reader, for me, I wanted to know that like I needed to
sort of picture like what am I seeing in this scene?
And if you're asking me to look at a porcelain chest and like, I,
I'm having my own interpretation of what that looks like and that needs to make
sense.
Otherwise I'm going to just be kind of lingering a little bit confused,
which isn't what you want your reader to feel when they're reading your story.
Yeah, I agree.
I think, I think as a writer, you need to write with like an intention
and, and have a clear picture in your head
about what the story that you're trying to tell specifically.
I think it's OK to leave room for some interpretation,
but not so much that the central idea is, is not clear.
And I'm thinking now about a story from last year,
which was Pendle Park that made the shortlist.
And we were debating what it all meant.
And we found out from the the writer then they weren't sure what it meant either.
And like, that's a that's a balance because now
we're saying like, you have to know what you mean,
whereas that story didn't.
But it was evocative enough that I think we thought maybe that the writer knew
what they meant.
You know what I mean?
So.
So I think it's more about satisfaction as a reader and knowing enough that like,
you still get like, you know, the core of that message.
Yeah, you need the core and part of this, right.
If we go back to character, which is such a core component of fiction,
who are these characters to each other?
That can't be a question mark, in my opinion,
how they end up or what happens next.
Like that can be a question mark but like who are they?
I need to know for me to care.
Is this his wife?
Is this some creature he's created for reasons?
If so, what are the reasons?
For me that emotional connection part is a non negotiable in that sense.
So I can not to say it could never be done without a question mark.
I just feel like to be more powerful, I would really like to know who are these
people to each other?
What are the stakes here?
Like if he fails and can't get this heart to beat, what does that mean?
Like, that's important.
And then when you leave us with that question of does this heart last longer
or not?
That's OK.
You can leave us with that one question.
But I'll know the stakes and I guess I'll have a hope one way or the other about
what that outcome might be.
And that will feel more satisfying.
Yeah.
So we've gone through to the point where he's flipped the switch.
And of all my attempts, the strongest heart had only fought for
21 beats.
So we're finding this out now.
But I think it's clear by this point that we're talking about a heart.
It's that couplet of 1234 that's mimicking a heartbeat and definitely like
the heartbeats of prominent part of the the story.
So we're not confused, I think at this point about what that and
those numbers represent.
But you say that and it's like, well, but you just opened her chest cavity and
there was nothing inside.
But we've had this count happening all the way through the story and we get the
speeding.
Yeah.
So we get to the next line, which is electricity crackles,
metal shutters, the heart contracts slowly creaking as it
forms the beginnings of a pulse.
Beginnings of the first pulse presumably, but we are up to 1718 so so yeah,
that is I mean we we know it's a heart there's a bit of licence being taken
there that the heart is representing like the beating within his head towards this
kind of 21 magic number beat.
Although that's not really a magic number because if he gets to 22 beats and then
she dies, it's still for nothing, right.
So I think it's a really strong idea it adds something to the story, right?
It just adds that, that repetition, the vibe.
But yeah, I think we get to the end and we just,
we're a little bit confused by it.
Yeah, I do.
I do think I agree with you.
Like there's value in it.
It's giving us a rhythm to the story.
Although I do think the rhythm of the story needs to match the beat.
So like there's moments there where there's a whole kettle boiling,
for example, and that's happening within the space of
a couple of beats.
I'm not sure how I'm meant to take that, but I think that device can work really
effectively.
It is literally the ticking clock of a story.
And for those of you who don't know, another piece of writing advice would be
to introduce a ticking clock, which means to introduce time pressure,
basically so that the readers more on the edge of their seat.
Like this needs to happen now.
And we've got that right.
Like we need this heart to work.
And if this heart doesn't work, that's a problem.
We don't know exactly what the problem is.
He's going to give up or something.
So all of that is good, but it needs to just fit the logic of the
story.
Yeah.
And I think like, we're at the end, right.
And then the last lines, I closed my eyes and counts, 1920.
We've said a lot about this, about this heartbeat.
And, you know, it's pointing us towards this conclusion
that we don't really hit.
And that last line, if I close my eyes and count,
we're left hanging.
Yeah, you do have post single effect here and
it's all pointing us towards this one moment.
You're guiding us into this moment and we never quite hit that moment.
Yeah, I agree.
And I think that was my initial comments on this story as well.
Like I wanted to understand what the counting meant.
I wanted that to be paid off by the end.
I did feel like there was a real vibe here.
And I think that's what kept this story in contention was this strong imagery,
the strong sort of, like, idea.
But at the same time, you still need to deliver a story within
those 500 words.
And I'm not sure that the ending really satisfied what had been set up prior to
that.
And that's my big challenge.
Like, I do think that the writing was really
strong.
Clearly, like, you know, I don't have anything to say in terms of
like how you would structure your sentences or anything like that.
It's more around this plot and around, like, how do you squeeze, like,
such a big story really into 500 words?
And, you know, there's power in leaving a little bit of
mystery.
So it's not like, you know, you can just say, oh,
just tell us everything.
Just lay it out step by step.
Like, you know, sometimes a little bit of mystery,
especially in a vibe story like this, can be really compelling.
But there's just like, a balance to be struck.
I guessed in terms of like, how am I delivering reader satisfaction
and how am I delivering the promise of that opening of the story?
And I guess as overarching comments, I would have liked a little bit more
character development in terms of like, who are these people to each other?
Is this a real human or not?
And is this like trying to extend a relationship or is there something else
going on here?
So I think I would have liked a little bit more around that,
but also just like a little bit more clarity around how this heartbeat sort of
sustaining works and what the stakes are if that fails.
Yeah.
So look, I mean, a lot of great things about this story,
and I don't want to focus on the negatives.
No, I know we do, don't we?
We have a tendency to do that.
Yeah.
But the writing is great.
And, you know, as sort of the outset, this came so close to the long list that
on any other day it may have made it in.
And absolutely.
Like the whole vibe and the scene and the details that you're throwing in all of
that is great.
It's about addressing those other points that really make a story emotionally
resonant.
Because this one, I think is very visually and sensorily
resonant.
Yeah, definitely.
Yeah.
It's the characters that make something emotionally resonant.
And I think you've gone a lot of the way to doing that right.
I've set up this quite a compelling main character that has like, you know,
it's a very poetic, you know, in a way, scenario that he's in.
Very brought kind of angsty environment, but yeah,
just needed a a little bit more of that emotion.
That's what was missing for me.
Yeah, I'd agree.
And I think like we've said, this idea of this counting like can be a
really powerful device.
I think just in this case, because the flipping of the switch or
whatever happens like very late in the counting, that's the issue there.
And it doesn't sort of, it's not explained why that counting has
already begun.
And so and maybe that makes perfect sense for Eilish writing this like what that
exactly means.
But that hasn't been communicated here within the story itself.
You know, we say sometimes when we're doing our
judging, we're like, this was a vibe.
Like that's comments that we put in our story.
And this was one of those stories.
And having a vibe is like actually a lot of compatible, you know,
it needs to be a story as well.
But this idea of voice or this idea of like a compelling kind of vibe or energy
to a story is actually like what hooks us in and keeps us engaged.
And it's such a difficult thing to pin down.
And so when you see it, it's like, yes, this is it.
But it's very hard to say to other people.
Like, how do you replicate this?
And I'm not sure I can explain how to replicate this,
but I think Eilish has done it really, really well here and did it really,
really well last time as well.
And so that's a real strength.
And I think with the right sort of logic in terms of the plot,
you're in the long list, tick, tick, you know,
like some of those sort of minor issues or so it might seem minor.
But in terms of the reading experience, what helps us connect the dots from A to
B to C to all the way to the end is all this would need.
And in fact, we both gave this a maybe plus.
Just having a look back through our notes, which is basically you're almost a shoo
in for the long list, right?
There are very few where we both gave them a maybe plus.
That didn't make it.
So very unlucky there maybe Eilish, But you're, you know,
obviously doing the right thing, having made this shortlist already.
Yeah.
So keep going.
We can't wait to read your next dooring.
All right, so.
But before we wrap up, let's talk about the prompts.
So the word prompt ring you've used as soldering and during.
Yeah, I like soldering as a choice.
And, you know, these were examples where it's not really
ring, right?
It's a different word that has ring tacked on the end and which was perfectly
within the rules.
And so I like the idea that you've chosen soldering as kind of a very specific word.
Yeah.
And it's very relevant to this story and the action prompts of opening a door,
I think in this case was also very relevant to the story.
I was opening her chest cavity door.
Yeah.
And there were a few stories that did that.
I think like three stories where we're talking about like opening up a chest,
which is interesting that we we'd be on that same wavelength.
But it is a compelling image.
And I think that was a really good choice as well.
And finally, the anti prompts.
So again, based on your brief description, the anti prompt being neither the reader
or author.
Know the ending, as we've talked about it, it is a bit of a double edged sword or
maybe maybe even a trap that some people fell into this round of writing a little
bit too ambiguously.
Yeah.
And I think if we go all the way back now to the idea of the rule,
so the rule of write what you know.
And if you read the article, it's sort of summarising where that rule
comes from and why it exists.
And basically what it all boils down to is a search for authenticity in
storytelling.
So it's not necessarily about writing from your exact personal lived experience,
but it's about writing from a place of truth and communicating that truth in a
way that connects with other human beings, your readers.
And I think that was a learning experience for me in this round.
I feel like that rule is a really good rule.
Yeah.
And in a story like this one, for example, we're OK.
We're writing about something fantastical happening, like this is not a real thing.
But we can still write from a place of authenticity.
We can still really delve into these characters,
their relationship to each other and like this, you know,
anxiety of whether this can really happen or not.
Like, can I achieve this goal?
Like, all of those are real human emotions.
And so while you might present us with like, a Frankenstein kind of character,
can you also give us the human truth behind that character?
Like, what is driving them and what's the fear
behind that?
And what's the outcome they're seeking?
And I think that that is the stuff that comes through at the end.
And I think in this story, maybe we could have done a little bit
more work around the character side and what drives our main character and what
the stakes were if maybe this outcome was not what he was looking for.
But, you know, in general, I think looking at these deep human
emotions of loss and desperately wanting to be able to undo that,
that's pretty relatable and I think quite powerful.
So thank you, Eilish, for your story, as always.
Wonderful to read.
We really enjoyed it.
Yeah.
Thanks for bringing the vibes yet again.
And the sensory details, obviously a strength of yours.
And so that about wraps it up for the January round.
Pretty much.
Yeah.
That's the last of it.
But nearly upon our next round.
Yeah.
By the time this episode comes out, hopefully we will send out all the
critiques.
If not fairly soon.
Mm hmm.
So if you haven't received a critique, do let us know and we'll be preparing for
the April round.
So go ahead and get your tickets if you haven't already.
And a reminder, we're also running the not quite right
prize for Flesh Fiction that is open till August.
So a little bit more time to write that one.
But it's always good to start thinking about it and getting getting your ideas
and finding unsexy areas of your life to make irresistible.
And we've been getting entries already.
We've been getting like daily entries since competition.
You already, which is, yeah, it's going to be a lot by August,
but we will have help.
We'll have guest judges and there are lots of fun prizes up on the website.
So check those out.
Including like threatening browsers.
Yeah, some of them are fronting, fronting, yeah, but yeah, some cash prizes as well.
So they're available to everyone around the world and also some like localised
other prizes, discounts and such depending on where you
are in the world.
So yeah, we're really excited about that one.
Check it out if you haven't already.
Not quite right.
podcast.com/flash Fiction.
And we'll be back with a regular episode as well.
It's been a little while between drinks, but then we're looking forward to the
April round, which is sure to be kicking off very soon.
It's upon us, creeping up.
It's exciting.
It's another chance at the trophy.
Yeah.
You know, we've got one winner so far this year.
There's three more to come.
It could be you.
That's right, publishing on the line and and there's
always $4000 of cash prize.
So thanks everyone for a great January round.
We had a lot of fun despite the website issues and we can't wait to come back
again for April.
Bring it on.
And until then, right on, right on.
We hope you enjoyed this special Daredevil episode of Not Quite Right.
If you have thoughts on the story, follow us on social media and join the
conversation.
And if you'd like to participate in the next round of the competition,
head over to our website at notquiteright. com.
That's WRITE something doesn't seem quite right.