Not Quite Right features discussions that are unfiltered and uncensored,
and may include themes that are inappropriate for younger listeners.
Also, I swear a lot.
Something doesn't seem quite right.
Welcome's not quite right.
My name is Ed and I'm Amanda, and welcome to the third Daredevil for
the July 2025.
Not quite right.
Price and Daredevils are the people who've signed up for the distinction.
Mm hmm.
Of being critiqued on air on the podcast.
Emphasis on the stink put some stank on that critique.
So we'll read the story, we'll talk about the story,
we'll break it down, share our thoughts and feedback and
hopefully we'll all learn something in the process.
So as a reminder, the prompts for the July round were the
word crane, the action prompt of burning something
and the anti prompt of break the rule.
Use active voice.
All right, so who's our challenger?
Our challenger slash Lamb to the Slaughter for this episode is Natalie
Busco with her story The Tapestry of You.
So Natalie is a previous longlister in the past round,
but she's a first time daredevil.
Natalie's also recorded her story for us, so here is The Tapestry of You by Natalie
Busco.
He started with a knot.
There were infinite possibilities as the strands that would become the threat of
his life were spun.
Cherry for the mole on his right cheek that his father and grandfather also had.
Silver for the witty tongue that was finally the match of his mother's.
A rainbow of characteristics was spun and twisted until finally the knot that
created him was tied.
That was his beginning.
We started with a knot.
A lump formed on my head, threads of black and purple from the
outstretched metal arm of a machine.
At the gym.
I was busy choosing a playlist and not paying attention.
He rushed over from the weights when he saw me, clutching my forehead.
Are you OK?
I mumbled something noncommittal, eager to melt into the floor to escape
embarrassment, But he guided me to the juice bar,
Got me ice.
Brown nodded in concern.
Once the flush left my face, he asked.
What's the punchline going to be?
Huh, I thought maybe he'd hit his head too.
The punchline.
A cute girl walks into a bar.
I laughed despite myself.
That was a terrible joke.
He would have made an excellent dad.
I'm Aaron.
He stuck out his left hand since Ice Arctic blue thread was clutched in my
right, lame.
His calloused hand was warm and I knew even then I never wanted to let go.
We continued in knots.
Our stomachs were tied in them.
On our first date, mini golf and arcade games.
His ball, neon yellow thread, mine lime green,
found the cup in one shot on hole nine.
I grumbled something, my competitiveness seeping out.
I didn't see it go in, he whispered.
Then he kissed me.
His lips were warmer than his hands.
At the crane game he snatched a llama Vermilion.
Your trophy for winning putt putt.
He bowed as he presented it to me.
We ended up at his apartment after too much soju and pineapple.
Pale buttercup sheets twisted around us.
We were tied together with a knot.
Celtic hand fasting at our godless Pagan wedding.
Whatever grandma, no one wanted you there anyway.
Lovers not rings, platinum were slid onto our left hands.
Wishes were written on commie paper rows, folded into hearts and tied to water
lanterns.
At the end of the night two matches were sparked and the lanterns lit.
Wishes were carried on the sea.
Midnight Lantern light shining Marigold.
Our end came from a knot, a mass, an invader.
Malignant, aggressive, inoperable.
I'll be fine, he said.
Don't worry.
His mole always twitched when he lied.
I don't know what colour thread I need for grief.
You started with a knot.
Ebony for your hair from my mother's mother, gold for light in dark times,
and cherry because you have his mole.
Our daughter spun from both our threads, the good and bad,
our family story embroidered into a blanket for you,
each thread of memory knotted in place.
So thank you, Natalie, for sharing your story with us,
and thank you for that lovely reading.
MMM And Natalie's left a message for us, so we'll play that now.
Hi, this is Natalie Busco.
The sea is silent.
I'm so excited to drink wine or soju in pineapple to listen to my Daredevil
episode.
This was actually the second story I wrote for this round.
I really leaned into passive in the first one.
Passive voice, passive aggressive remarks, passive character.
But the story didn't feel like me, so I scrapped it.
And then I ended up with this one, which is much more me When thinking about
a new story, not only was I thinking about writing in
passive voice, I was thinking about other passive things.
And I thought of the passivity that comes from thinking clotholacasis and Atropos
spin our fates and the marks we leave on stories other than our own.
And this is the story that was born.
The main character is a woman, in case the names through Folks Lane is
my middle name.
Also, I know that it is Arctic Blue and not
Arctic blue.
I'm not smiling, I swear.
I just wanted to make that known.
Anyway, this is only my second not quite right
round, but I really enjoy it and I'm excited to
be your daredevil.
Thanks Amanda and Ed, can't wait to hear everything that I did
wrong.
I'm off to take a shot of soju.
Hi, it's Natalie Busco again.
I was so nervous leaving my voicemail before I forgot to shout out my other
daredevils.
I am friends with all the other daredevils this round,
we're all in the same writing group and I just think that they're awesome and
talented and amazing and I wanted to shout them out.
Thanks.
Well, thank you Natalie and and welcome to all
the goblins.
Love having you here this round.
Can I be 1?
I was saying in Exodus episode like this sounds really cool.
I want to be a contest goblin.
You are a contest goblin in spirit in my heart.
Well, maybe after all these daredevils like the
invitation, had there ever been one would be revoked
immediately.
Now I'm just wondering though, Natalie, do you have your soju?
Get ready, get ready.
We'll try not to go too hard.
There's a lot of positives about this story.
So we'll go through the story and we'll talk about it as we always do.
And so, Nelly, there's something that you said in this
message that I think sheds a little bit of light on this story that I didn't pick
up.
And it's this reference that you just made to Klotho, Lexus and Atropos,
who we just have to Google that quickly now.
And yeah, they spin this threat of life.
And I guess that's where this idea comes from, of knots and DNA,
various kinds of knots culminating into this blanket that's being woven at the
end.
So I think it's a it's a bit of added flavour to your story,
but also like I think is an important detail as well because it does really tie
it all together, as it were.
Good one.
And you know what, it's funny, but we do get a few patchwork quilt
stories here and there and sit, this is not patchwork as such,
but similar idea.
And yeah, it's that theme of pieces coming together
of something.
And often there is that link between the patchwork quilt and life and memories and
what makes up a life.
So yeah, I think that is a, a universal theme essentially that people
can connect to when I'm, I'm, you know, I like sewing,
but I'm not an expert so well by any means,
but I'm just trying to think of tapestry.
And I think usually of tapestry is like a wall hanging.
And usually it's an embroidered kind of picture or scene or perhaps pattern
that's been created on another base piece of fabric,
like usually kind of like a mesh fabric of some kind to create a whole big piece.
And you might make the tapestry into a rug, for example.
I'm not familiar with tapestry being used to create a blanket,
but of course it may well be.
So I guess despite the fact that it's called the tapestry view,
I was picturing more like a crochet, like a knitted kind of situation.
Anyway, that's by the by for the the sewing nerds,
and I'm happy to be corrected on that.
But yeah, just questioning that.
Is that how you would construct a blanket?
I don't know.
Well, I'm no sewing expert.
I barely know what a tapestry is.
So.
But let's get into the story itself.
And it starts with this line.
He started with a knot, and it's a line that is like obviously
repeated with little variations to kind of draw this line through this story.
And I think it's a great metaphor.
I think approaching a story with this idea of a through line and a theme can
work really well.
Yeah, I agree.
And, you know, these repeated refrains that we see
sometimes are a nice device in a short piece like this to carry from one moment
to the next.
And.
And this is one of those stories like we've talked about before,
like we often recommend creating a single scene in a single setting.
But in fact, story is 1, which covers multiple scenes and multiple
settings, and it does it effectively because it's
able to weave that single theme through each moment.
And so that's a really good way of doing that.
If you want to create more of a longer time period kind of story,
like taking that one element and repeating it throughout can really tie it
together.
Yeah.
And so look, I wish I'd known about Klotho spinning
the thread of human life going into that story,
because I think it would have added a little bit of an element there.
We start off with this image of a knot and then we move into the strands,
becoming the thread of his life.
And when this was described and the way this story played out, like for me,
immediately I pictured like the DNA here.
Yeah, me too.
That's the the strand.
Yeah.
The strands of DNA.
It's talked about in the same language.
Yeah.
So what didn't land for me was the idea of the knot.
Like, where's the knot in all of that?
So we're saying he started with a knot.
And then we get this description of kind of DNA, different coloured strands,
cherry for the mole on his right cheek.
And I like the way that that was brought about,
like we've got these strands coming through and joining of strands from the
parents creating like this combination of different features.
But I just didn't see whether or not fitting well.
That's the non sewer in you because of course,
any sewing project begins with a knot.
That's how you start something.
That's how you start a sewing project.
Certainly how you start a tapestry.
DNA, not so much, but we are just kind of merging those
ideas together.
So the sewing metaphor is makes perfect sense to me,
but I think the myth kind of adds the layer that completes that metaphor for me.
And it's a shame that that was missing.
And that may be something that other people are much more aware of than me.
Well, I'm certainly not more aware of it, but I like to learn about it too.
Like that's sometimes what you can enjoy from a piece like this is to learn
something new.
But yeah, like you say, if that's not expressed.
And we were talking about this with the previous two daredevils as well,
this idea of how clear do I need to be with my theme?
Like how much do I need to put on the page?
How much can I trust the reader to know?
And look, if this was just your point of
inspiration, you don't necessarily need to share that
with the reader.
But if it's something that you want to explore more fully, well, then yes,
you you might need to bring it along.
So that's for you as the author to decide.
To what extent do I want that part of it to be clearly stated or explored in the
story?
And to what extent is that just where the story began in my mind and it's now
evolved into something else?
So I guess just developing this first section.
And this is a story that's broken into sections,
and each section has a lovely little icon, little string icon.
Well done.
That needle and thread string icon.
Jeez, mate, you're fired a lovely needle and thread
icon, yes, that separates these sections.
So well done on that.
But this first section deals with him being born and and developed.
So I think that's a lovely image around again, the DNA,
the characteristics that come together to form him.
What we don't have yet after these first few paragraphs is really a grounding on
where we are.
Like in this moment.
It's kind of a little bit of a a back story, beautifully told.
But we don't know who our protagonist is.
We don't know who he is.
OK.
But like then you can have the story like Superman,
where that's how Superman starts, right?
It's just like big back story, story first.
We're not like we don't know who it is yet.
Like we're just starting with that mythical part,
the origin story first before we get to.
Yeah.
And I don't, I'm not calling that out as like this is
a problem.
I'm just calling that out as that's where it's leaving us as the reader.
And I think from there, you need to drop us in to a scene or to a
moment that shows us where we are.
The next scene or the next section begins with we started with a knot,
so developing that.
And now, I guess, introducing the second character,
who is the perspective character of the story.
But at this point, there's the encounter in the gym,
and she bumps her head and gets a lump.
I'm not sure whether or not is in this section.
I wasn't really sure where that metaphor landed.
It was a little bit confusing to me.
Yeah, I have to say this little extract did
confuse me as well.
So we started with a knot.
A lump formed on my head in brackets, threads of black and purple from the
outstretched metal arm of a machine at the gym.
And it's the phrasing of this sentence that's a little bit abstract.
And while I appreciate the reasons why you're being abstract,
like when you talk about a knot here, you're not being literal.
So you sort of need to take an abstract approach.
But when it comes to the action within the scene,
I think we need to get more concrete.
So a lump formed on my head from the outstretched metal arm of a machine at
the gym.
Now, we talked about this again in previous
Daredevils, but definitely I would flip that around.
The bump has to happen before the lump forms.
So you need to hit your head on the outstretched arm of the machine at the
gym before the bruise appears in the lump forms.
So just flipping that sentence around, and I think it we mentioned this before,
it can be tempting to kind of have that more wistful approach to the language,
you know, and express it in these terms.
But in my view, that breaks reading flow because now I
have to go back in time within that sentence, if that makes sense.
Like a lump formed.
And then I have to understand why and when the lump forms.
I don't have a picture of what you mean by that, and that could mean other things.
Then I've got a bump on my head because I hit my head on a piece of equipment.
And I think it's important to be clear about action because if you're asking
people to sort of watch the movie of your story,
they need to know what they're watching.
And so, you know, super simple, I would just flip that sentence around.
OK, so he rushed over from the weights when
he saw me clutching my forehead.
Are you OK?
I mumbled something non committal, eager to melt into the floor to escape
embarrassment.
So there's a couple of points in this story where the action is glossed over a
little bit in a statement, like I mumbled something noncommittal
where inviting the reader to to the kind of thing that might be right.
And I think what you very much want to do when we talk about removing the distance
between the reader and the scene is avoid getting the reader to fill in those gaps.
And of course, by virtue of how writing works,
of course the reader is going to fill in their gaps.
But you don't want them to imagine how they might think it plays out as opposed
to how it actually does play out, if that makes sense.
Yeah.
I mean, I fully agree with you.
I think that does cross over some of the action.
I think it's as simple as giving a line of dialogue instead of saying I'm mumbled
something non committal.
Now, the reason why you might phrase it this
way and why I assume Natalie phrased it this way is because we're still.
It's like we're telling a history.
I don't always remember, remember the exact words.
Like I just mumbled something like it wasn't, it wasn't important.
So I don't have a many years later when I've got a child,
remember the exact words I said.
So you're telling this history.
However, from a storytelling perspective, it does create that sense of distance for
the reader, as it might if you were telling your
daughter this story.
I mumbled something non committal.
Well, is that even worth telling me that, like, is this,
if this is the story of my origin, is that moment the thing you say?
And if it is, well, what were the words that you said to my
dad?
And if not, like, it's probably not interesting enough to
mention.
So just consider, I guess, the experience of the person sort of
listening to or reading your story.
Why tell me that unless you're going to give me that piece of information?
Yeah, exactly.
And I'm like, I think of it as putting the reader in
the role of observer of the scene, and you're withholding the ability for
them to observe that scene.
And you're saying, well, you tell me how you think it happened
kind of thing.
And then just the second half, that sentence,
eager to melt into the floor to escape embarrassment.
You know, we've said don't name an emotion.
I would err on the side of phrasing those sentences more as like a metaphor,
just eager to melt into the floor.
And if your context is strong enough that that emotion can be conveyed,
I think that's more powerful than stating that emotion.
Yeah, I agree.
And I think in the next sentences as well.
But he guided me to the juice bar, got me ice.
Brown knotted in concern.
That opportunity exists there too, with Brown knotted in concern.
In concern to leave it with Brown knotted.
You don't need to tell us what that means.
Of course he's concerned.
He's getting you ice and so on.
And just on that too, we've used the word knotted there that
his brow is knotted.
And of course we've used knots throughout.
And I'd maybe just be a little bit careful about when you choose to use the
word knot because you are using it as this thematic device throughout.
And but now we're drawing attention to that over here as well.
And it, it maybe takes the focus off that thread,
you know, that we're forming throughout this story.
So, yeah, I think just be careful, like it's tempting to use those little
instances when we have them.
And I'm not sure if it's one you noticed or not.
I assume it is.
I'm assume that was an intentional usage.
But yeah, maybe just try and steer the reader a
little bit more to that single thread that you're trying to form.
All right.
And then we get this cute moment.
So what's the punchline going to be?
And the punchline is a cute girl walks into a bar, which I thought was really.
Yeah, that's cute.
We do love a little little ROM com here.
Not quite right.
And that was good fun.
And I actually do like that As well.
He would have made an excellent dad, which expresses A sentiment directly but
doesn't express like an emotion.
It wasn't she felt happy or she felt like she loved him.
It expresses a real sentiment, a reaction to like exactly what's
happened.
And and it also allows that opportunity to touch on this idea of him becoming a
dad before it happens.
So we are sort of ceding those clues as well as to where this story might be
headed next.
So in he introduces himself.
I'm Aaron.
He stuck out of his left hand since ice Arctic blue thread was clutched in my
right.
This is a little nitpick, but I would just sort of say with the ice
was clutched in my right or the OR the Arctic blue thread or Arctic if you want,
please.
And I did not notice that by the way.
So I would phrase that more actively.
That was a passive phrasing.
It was clutched in my right and that and I understand why you would use that here.
But from a clarity point of view and a reading flow point of view,
I think it would be more helpful to say I clutched or I was clutching.
It in my hand just to be more clear about, you know, again,
it's who's doing the action right.
I fully appreciate why you might choose a passive construction for that sentence.
Another thing I just wanted to call out is in this section,
they introduce each other by name, but then we don't come back to the names.
It's still him and I and we and and I just wondered at that choice.
Like you've made it personal now as to who these characters are.
But then we've depersonalised it again almost and sort of expanded back out.
So just a comment, I guess, more than anything,
just something that I noticed, but I don't know if you want to
necessarily like repeat names for the sake of it.
You need to over and over by any means, but you can sort of pepper it through a
little bit more.
And again, it's just a comment.
I don't know if you should or shouldn't, but you've taken the trouble to name the
characters and then we've gone back zoomed out again a little bit.
So?
I guess.
So the next section we continued in knots and the knot in this scenario in this
section is that their stomachs were tied on their first date.
And we get, you know, it should be mentioned throughout the
story, these various colours, so his ball neon yellow thread,
mine lime green.
So this very visual aspect of it, like these colours from their past coming
through, reinforcing that metaphor that was set up
the opening and also in the title like this life is just, you know,
accidental moments coming together and in these colours and forming this tapestry
that is our lives.
We do have another grumbled something here.
So I think and again, another opportunity to either give the
dialogue for that or express that moment more clearly in how it happened.
Because again, we've stated an emotion, I grumbled something, my competitiveness.
I mean, competitiveness, not necessarily emotion, but in this case,
sort of we would treat it the same way, my competitiveness seeping out.
So in place of that, we might just show a moment where she's
being competitive, not just grumbling something,
but grumbling something specific or acting petulant or something, you know,
don't say she acted petulant, but express it through a specific action.
And yeah, and I think that would be overarching
feedback.
And for a lot of people, by the way, including us, like we do this too.
Like you're writing your draught and you're you're sort of working through how
people are feeling and it's absolutely great,
right to express emotion because that's what we want, right?
We talk about emotional connection, emotional resonance,
and that's so important in story.
But if we can express that in a way that's immersive for the reader and not
sort of more high level stated, but more shown,
then I think that's always going to be a good thing.
So another thing that's happening here that I just want to call out is that
we're moving now from scene to scene.
And this is our third scene that we're in.
We're at mini golf and arcade games and, you know, I guess that's the result.
One of the things that we get is like these just little snatches of dialogue
and these things play out to me like a montage as well,
which is the effect I think that Natalie's going for here.
Like that's exactly what we're sort of building.
I think what that highlights to me, though,
is that because we're spending such little time in each scene with the
characters, I think the the dialogue that you do show
us needs to be really pivotal.
And I think the first section or the previous section really did that with the
whole dad joke.
That's a really great moment.
Now, in this section, his dialogue is your trophy for winning
putt Putt.
And I don't think that's really.
Yeah, adding it.
Yeah.
It's not adding it's meaning to their relationship or to these threads.
You know, it's not, it's not falling into.
It's just explaining kind of what's happening in the scene, which is fine.
Of course, you want to express what's happening in
the scene through dialogue.
But because you're doing a montage, why did you choose that moment to show us?
And I think just paired with that comment is this idea of these colours, right?
And these threads weaving together.
And I guess it's a, it's a feeling like a more global feeling
that I had about this story because look, I, I snuck onto the community and,
and read out daredevil stories that were shared there.
And Natalie got a, a lot of really positive feedback in the
community, which is beautiful.
I love, love the community.
And so some of these people might be wondering like,
why the hell isn't she the winner?
And in this case didn't make the long list, right?
So what was it?
What's the reconnect between how these people experienced Natalie Story and how
we as the judges experienced this story?
And I guess something that probably was a barrier for me is these colours.
And the question mark I have as to why these colours, why these moments,
why within that moment are those things chosen for the colours?
And what does that really mean?
And it does feel quite random, which in itself can be meaningful if you
pay that off at the end of the story.
But I don't feel like we really did get a pay off in the sense of why these colours
exactly.
And I'm not sure if I'm making myself clear, but you know,
you just mentioned there, OK, he says he's your trophy for winning Putt
Putt.
And we're talking about, OK, the neon green ball and the yellow ball.
And they're they're chosen for the tapestry.
Why?
It's a ball at Putt Putt.
What role did the ball play in this story?
It wasn't like, would you remember the colour that you
had?
Like you didn't tell us why you remembered the colour of the balls.
You remembered that but not what you said to him.
And I don't know if I'm being clear, but I think I would have liked to have
understood why these specific threads were important.
And I think in this story, the cherry red mole was paid off.
It's part of the DNA.
It's a specific colour and it's in the daughter as well.
And so that thread to me and that colour choice made perfect sense.
Whereas something like the ice pack or the putt putt ball,
why that I think the black and the blue was meaningful, you know,
because they they met, that was their meeting and there was that
injury that metaphorically that works.
But I agree that the putt putt balls, but it's not a merely memorable moment.
And so we've got this Llama toy, which was like the trophy for winning and
that was Vermilion or bright orange red.
That to me could potentially be more meaningful as well than the ball,
for example, especially if that toy is given to the
daughter or the toys on the shelf in the bedroom or something like that.
Again, paying off that particular item and what
that means to you.
It's not just a toy you had that day.
It's like something you have since cherished and and has become a part of
your story.
Like not just this throwaway toy, but like a meaningful part of what makes
you guys who you are and, and the fact even that it's a llama.
Like what, what does that mean for you guys?
Like these choices of these specific details, they're important.
And I'm not sure that all of them were paid off in that way.
And I think they could be.
I think they totally could be.
And I think all it requires is that little step further to choose a specific
meaningful item and then pay it off later.
And I, I wonder, is this like a personal story for Natalie?
Because it feels like these things are important, but I'm just not sure why.
Yeah, I think maybe some of the colours, some of the references need to be chosen
a little bit more sparingly.
Because we do have from each section, maybe 3-4 colours being chosen.
But you're just focusing in on, as you say,
on maybe one or two of them that are highly relevant and highly special.
And then that kind of we can weave those through and have them paid off.
Because it is just like a sea of colours that we're getting.
And this is the thing by the end, if we've got this just massive colour and
this rainbow of colour, that can be paid off.
But in in this sense, it just feels like it's just everything
and therefore nothing.
You know, none of them mean anything if it's all
just merged in together.
And I guess that's where the disconnect emotionally was for me,
that I wanted these threads to carry more meaning and to be paid off more directly
by the end of the story.
OK, so we move into the next section.
We were tied together with a knot.
And yeah, we don't really see much of the wedding
itself, but we get some background, we get a few colours coming through,
some lovely description there.
One thing I would challenge from that part of the scene is this idea of our
godless Pagan wedding.
Whatever, Grandma, No one wanted you there anyway.
Bit of a shift in tone.
Yeah, like quite a negative tone, which didn't really fit for me in this
developing romance kind of thing.
And also, if you're looking back over this life and
you've lost your partner, is that the thing that you would like?
Yeah.
Like, it just, it just felt like a bit of a non sequitur.
Like it just took me out of where we were heading and just like a real veer off.
And then we're back again.
And I, yeah, I would strongly recommend reconsidering
just that little aside there.
And, you know, why isn't a beautiful wedding like,
you know, it should be?
You believe your own wedding is beautiful.
We get a little bit of back story there.
Obviously there was a fight over the wedding.
Grandma was like married in a church and they were like, screw you, grandma.
And that's that's compelling back story, I guess.
But it does change the tone.
It does.
And it's a little bit much for this piece, which is it's had quite a tight like sort
of theme.
And then we've we've broken out of that for a moment.
But yeah, it's, it's literally just a tiny piece here and
not a big deal.
But I think all the more reason to probably excise that from this story.
OK.
And then we go to the next section where the end comes from the knot,
and that's the tumour.
And there's the line.
I'll be fine, don't worry.
His mole always twitched when he lied, which is a great line.
And it pays off the mole from the first.
Yes.
And that's what I mean.
Like, that kind of pay off, I think is what hits.
And if you can do a little bit more of that,
then you're going to be very much on the right track for like a really satisfying
ending that ha ha, ties everything up at the end.
Yeah, so one thing I'll just add as well at
this point in the story, because obviously one of the characters
has died, this story is built very much on like the
reminiscing about this relationship and the love they had and the randomness of
life and the capriciousness of the universe kind of thing.
What we don't get though, is much agency from the characters.
While there is a conflict there, I guess, you know,
there's a there is drama in the fact that someone has died.
None of the characters through this story really have any choices to make.
So I felt that was something that was missing,
that we didn't feel like there was any pressure for someone to do anything.
We don't, no one is taking any actions.
We're just kind of looking back over the things that have happened in the past.
But is this maybe where that whole idea of fate intervening and so on could could
maybe answer that question for you a little bit more?
Like it is potentially meaningless what you do or it is potentially that you are
just dragged along through life like it that could be your perspective on it if
fate is at play rather than you directing it yourself and steering it in a
direction.
So that's one, yeah, that that could be the vibe.
Yeah.
I do really love though this line.
I don't know what colour thread I need for grief.
So we've we've expressed so many colours throughout and a lot of vibrant colours.
And then we get to I don't know what colour I need for grief.
And that succinctly and thematically expresses this sense of like grief just
completely undoes you and it's not like anything else.
And, you know, I really liked the way that was expressed.
And I think that was also really a quick way of dealing with that huge moment in
the story as well, but still having that emotional resonance.
All right, so now we're into the final section and
we're talking about the child's kind of looping it back to a new beginning.
You started with a knot, Ebony for your hair from my mother's
mother, gold for light in dark times, and cherry because you have his mole.
Our daughter spun from both our threads, the good and the bad,
our family story embroidered into a blanket for you,
each thread a memory knotted in place.
So very, I guess, poignant moment to end on and leaning
into, I guess this idea that you've called out,
which is this the universe kind of moving forward and fate.
And I do like that mental image that this generates of just these threads kind of
moving through space and our lives, threading into the lives of of our
children.
And I think that's a very powerful image.
And yeah, and a powerful image to end on as well.
Yeah, I agree.
And I just think though, again, I would come back to this concept of the
colours and, and maybe paying them off a little more.
Like we're talking about Ebony now, gold and cherry now.
Ebony and gold.
That's the first time either of those have been mentioned.
But you're telling us that she's been woven from your threads.
And I guess my question is, well, where was the Ebony and where was the
gold?
And you said it's your mother's mother.
But like, I would have liked those threads to all
come to the colours that you chose to then show up in this child.
And I think that would have felt more finished.
Yeah, I agree.
That would have been a very powerful ending.
And so, yeah, I think it comes down to more carefully
selecting which colours and why, and then paying each of those off in a in
one moment.
And I think you're right, Ed.
I think we could choose use fewer colours and I think that would allow that to
happen because obviously we don't have enough words to pay off so many things.
But for each moment in their love story, select one colour and that those colours
to then show up for that child.
And again, if it's the Vermilion of the llama,
maybe the llama's still there cuddled up to her or whatever it might be that pays
off each of these moments in this child.
And you know, I think for me that would have been
enough because I did really like this story.
Like I said, I rated it quite highly.
And if it had that extra oomph at the at the end, like the real kicker,
that might have been enough to to tip it up.
And in fact, I think it probably would have been
certainly for me.
Anyway, onto the long list.
Yeah, I think I agree with that.
I mean, it's an incredibly subtle piece and it
has these strong lines running through it.
And I think it's just a matter of connecting them, like, ironically,
because that's exactly.
Look, I'm not even sure if this is worth
mentioning, but this final line, our family story embroidered into a
blanket for you, each thread of memory knotted in place.
Is she actually making a blanket or is this part of the metaphor?
I guess we take that literally.
How did you read that?
I mean, like, I took it literally.
I guess it doesn't matter in a way.
But again, like if we're looking at the cohesion of
this piece, we've just talked about how the child has
been woven into something.
But then now we're talking about the blanket being woven.
And I don't think we need both.
I think potentially it's the child.
The child is the tapestry.
You've made no blanket that that would be my feeling on this.
All right, so let's talk about the prompts really
quickly.
So the word was crane.
And in this case it was used in that crane claw machine crane game,
which is not something that I'd heard of before and hadn't it's always been the
claw game here to me, but one that a few people actually used.
What I think was interesting, though, you know,
when we were talking about the prompts in the longest episode and we're guessing
like, which one do you think was the most
common?
And you were thinking paper crane for sure.
And it wasn't.
And it wasn't even really that close.
Yeah.
But like, this story has origami, but not an origami crane.
Oh, right.
Yeah.
And there are other stories that had origami but not an origami crane.
And I think that's really interesting because we definitely saw more origami.
Yes, yes.
And so probably that played into as well why we felt there were more paper cranes
than maybe they were.
But anyway, the action prompt burning.
Yep.
At the wedding we had matches and lanterns and the anti prompt.
Well, I guess it's, it's a faithful Andy.
It's a metaphorical interpretation.
We have a lot of passive sentences being used in story and we have this whole idea
of fate and being passive in well, it's not really an,
I don't want to get philosophical, but fate doesn't necessarily mean you're
passive.
It can mean that you're very much active, but things just happen to happen in a
certain way.
You're active.
It's just futile.
Yeah, totally.
And no, I think as well though, like some of that passive phrasing here
did probably work against this story.
Like it was a vibe.
It was definitely a vibe and the language was beautiful.
So it's not a case of these sentences don't work or anything like that.
But I do think, like you mentioned, these characters don't have agency.
They're not really propelling their own story.
The story is just happening, which is what we sort of described as a
vignette like this, this kind of almost static scene.
Like things are happening and we're watching,
but they're not the the actors within that scene and not making things happen.
They're just happening regardless and we're just sort of watching.
I do think in this case for this story, it does come to a conclusion.
Like it does build to a conclusion in this story,
which is not one really based on action necessarily or the actions of the
characters.
It's it's this culmination of their life story,
which I think works for the theme of this story.
But more generally, that passive language does tend to
detract from that sense of these characters.
I guess having having a role in this story using passive voice can be a
problem for writing.
That's why the rule is there.
And we do see this happen a lot with the anti prompt is that people try to cover
their bases.
And I will say, if you go the the metaphorical angle and
you know you where you have this story about fate,
you don't also need to do the passive voice to kind of drive it home.
Sometimes it might be appropriate, but you don't need to go over the top.
So and do you think maybe these grumbled and mumbled moments were also instances
of passive voice in that kind of and I don't know if they were or not.
And I'm not sure exactly your intentions here,
but I think when we do come to the edit of a story,
we can think about which of those ideas aren't paid off within the story that
actually came about.
Like we start off with all these ideas before we write.
And depending on what kind of writer you, you might just start writing and sort of
see where it takes you, or you might have a pretty solid picture
in your mind.
But then even when you do, it can take you in a new direction as
you're writing.
And I think at the end, especially in a piece of flash fiction,
you need to look at what you've made and perhaps excise some of these ideas that
aren't part of this story, like that don't need to be or don't
actively contribute to this story.
So, you know, I'm not really challenging any one of
those ideas in particular.
I think they're all perfectly valid.
But it's a matter of like sort of cherry picking the most compelling components to
really strengthen your story and make it sing.
So thank you, Natalie, for sharing your story.
Hopefully we've helped untangle some of that.
Oh my God, that was not funny.
I spent about 30 seconds when I come up with that one.
I could see the cogs turning.
Literally.
No, thank you so much.
And look, we were kind of harsh on you there,
which we always are when a when a story is pretty strong,
I feel we get into the weeds on it.
So I hope that the soju helped ease the pain a little.
But it was a beautiful story.
It was a really strong story.
Yeah.
And I think it's something you can be proud of.
And I think if it was something you wanted to just continue to tinker with,
well, hopefully we've given you some ideas
about like how to really make the most of what you wanted to do with this story.
But thank you so much for sharing it.
And thanks for taking one for the team, if you will,
so that we can all learn together and and explore what it is that makes writing
compelling and exciting.
Absolutely.
And we'll be back in a weeks time with our next Daredevil.
I can't wait.
So until then, right on, right on.
We hope you enjoyed this special Daredevil episode of Not Quite Right.
If you have thoughts on this story, follow us on social media and join the
conversation.
And if you'd like to participate in the next round of the competition,
head over to ourwebsite@notquiteright.com.
That's WRITE something doesn't seem quite right.