Not Quite Right features discussions that are unfiltered and uncensored,
and may include themes that are inappropriate for younger listeners.
Also, I swear a lot something doesn't seem
quite right.
Welcome to Not Quite right.
My name's Ed and I'm Amanda, and this is the 5th and final Daredevil
for the July 2025 Not Quite Right prize.
Yeah, it's sad.
So Daredevils are people who have signed up for the honour and the privilege of
being critiqued on air on the podcast.
So we read through each story, we'll talk about the story, break it down,
share our thoughts and hopefully all learn something in the process.
Maybe breakdown the author as well.
That's the plan.
I feel like we've we made one a little bit easy on some of our are daredevils
this round.
So let's I always feel horribly harsh.
Let's let's ramp up the it's our last daredevil.
Let's really go hard.
Sorry, Marina, That sounds fair, perfectly fair.
So as a reminder, the prompts for this round were the word
crane, the action prompt of burning something
and the anti prompt of break the rule, use active voice.
And so our sacrificial lamb for this episode is Marina RM Lane,
and it's Marina's first time as a daredevil.
So thank you Marina for putting herself out there.
And Marina sent us the audio for this story and you'll be read by her husband
Rich Lane.
So here is hand over hand by Marina RM Lane.
The table had been made, 2 croissants, 2 cortatas,
2 napkins folded into cranes and a gas candle centred on white linen.
The night patisserie was their usual rendezvous point.
But today's meeting was not sanctioned and his phrases were fumble on nervous
fingers.
Even retired spies ought to have their meeting sanctioned.
But the question burning in his palms had alighted on the pager before he thought
better.
What was 1 flaggable event on a clean record?
The real talking was done in code, a smattering of Victorian glove speak
sign language and made up gestures only they understood.
It was their way.
Her glove of ivory velvet was twirled around the fingers of her left hand.
Meaning we're being watched.
Fingers flipped toward the window, where a puffed up grey cat pressed its
wet nose to the panes and glowered.
The table was beaten with laughter, their gloves making soft thumps like a
pair of beating hearts.
We should get one of those for our bread shop, He signed,
and leather gloves guarded over the heel of his hand,
noticeably worn on the trigger finger.
The bakery could be built, but it had to double as an information
hub because you never really retired from being a spy.
So why did you call for me?
Her hands asked.
His fingers twitched in amusement at her sign for phone Rotary dialled.
Even though touch, tone and paging was the norm in their
business, she was stubborn, classy and lovable in the kind of way
that had many of his old contacts asking after her.
Dash it all.
He should have done this a long time ago at the old work,
their partnership on the bakery project, the amicable distance,
it all felt like a well worn glove he didn't want to lose.
Would this new glove fit as snugly?
Would she want an old pair like him?
She fidgeted with her cuff buttons, obviously sensing his nerves.
He was a fool for her.
So he stood, removing both gloves and made to drop
them, the way they learned so long ago that two
people meeting in secret might say, I love you.
He threw them down, a jolt of nerves making the ACT more
forceful than intended, but one landed squarely in the bowl of
the gas candle.
They snatched for the smoking glove, knocking hands and toppling candle.
Had two ex spies ever been more clumsy?
He was worrying.
She'd burned her hands as fire leapt onto the napkin cranes,
igniting them like Olympian torches.
Their tiny coffees couldn't douse it, so they grabbed to the corners of the
tablecloth and smothered the flames.
The Patisserie's owner came running, bemoaning the ruined table set.
Making apologies was done with words, but it was her bare hand sliding into his
that started the real fire.
The table was ruined and they'd likely be banned from their favourite rendezvous,
but when they wove their fingers together, gloves discarded, skin needing no code,
he felt the world was their rendezvous.
So thank you, Marina, And thank you, Rich for that reading.
And Marina left us a voicemail message, so we'll play that now.
Hello, this is Marina Lane, one of your July daredevils.
I'm calling in to tell you a little bit about the inspiration for my story.
My idea really started when my writing group, the goblins,
were discussing what passive voice means.
One of my goblins, Natalie, threw out an example sentence.
It was a gloved hand extended in her direction.
That sentence really set me off down a path.
For me, there's something really alluring about
gloves and I loved the idea of getting to explore a story that's almost from the
perspective of these gloves, yet not.
I didn't want the gloves to necessarily be the arbiters of the action.
I thought a lot about what passive voice means and the object centric nature of it
and decided to do something a bit weird with my story.
I wanted to remove the main agents, pun intended,
of the story and focus on their gloves as a way to represent them and to
communicate.
So this got me down some research rabbit holes.
And what you'll hear, hopefully, is a recording done by my husband of Hand
Over Hand.
So thank you.
Marina and I didn't pick up on this when we were reading the story, but obviously,
the loss of agency, we're talking about two agents.
Yeah, didn't pick up on that, But that's an extra, like, cute.
So let's move through the story, and maybe we'll start with the title Hand
Over Hand.
Yeah.
I mean, it's good, good title and certainly fitting with the
story that follows.
Interestingly, I believe Dean Vague tweeted about this
one, and he was talking about a story which
had a missed opportunity for a pun in the title.
And of course, Dean is obsessed with puns, so he couldn't help himself.
But that was this story.
And his suggested title was Glove Affair, which I do also love.
So, you know, that's something to consider.
But yeah, I think this title works and fits the
story.
And I'll say at the outset, I really like the premise of this story
and the whole idea here of we've got this layer of communication that's hidden from,
like, other people, but obviously we're Privy to it.
So that's what's being said on one level and what's being done.
And then we have the layer of like this secret communication.
And we talk a lot about tropes in flash fiction and stories that we see come up
again and again.
This is not one of them.
This is an original idea and it stands out on its originality.
It really does.
And that's that element of surprise in this case,
the unique kind of form of communication that we don't see often.
And look, it's not that it's never ever been
appeared in fiction before, but certainly for us this is fresh and
new and clearly inspired by the anti prompt, which is really great to see.
We love to see how it takes you down these different paths and give something
new that you might not have otherwise thought about.
One challenge, though, we talked about the goblins in Marina's
comments there, and Marina made the comment that Natalie
had shared with her a suggestion for a passive sentence,
which was a gloved hand extended in her direction.
Now, I'm not sure that is a passive
construction, in fact, and it is what we would describe.
We talked before and in one of the other daredevils about disembodied body parts.
And to me, that's more what this is, a gloved hand extending.
Yeah, I guess.
I guess the passive sentence would be a gloved hand was extended in her direction.
Yes, rather than extended.
Yeah, because the gloved hand is now performing
that action.
So it's actually an active construction.
So yeah, I just call that into question, I suppose.
However, I'm so glad because, you know, it's a happy accident, as we might say,
because we got this completely unique story from it.
So I think that's really wonderful.
And there were plenty of genuinely passive constructions in this story
beginning with the first sentence.
So do you want to get into it?
So we start off with the table had been made, 2 croissants, 2 cortatas,
two napkins folded into cranes and a gas candle centred on white linen.
I like that first sentence because of course the table had been made.
But this idea of being made is such a spy thing.
Like, you know, if if you've been recognised as a spy,
you've been made.
I don't know if that was intentional.
I kind of assume it was because that's the first sentence there.
So that's fun.
Yeah.
That's that.
That is like pose single effects there, Isn't it?
Exactly in the One Direction?
Yeah.
And of course we've got our cranes there and the gas candle,
which will come into play later in the story.
So great that you're setting that up there.
I think it's great when you can see that detail in earlier that then gets paid off
later.
I think that's always a good choice.
Like you're you're also using it to set the scene while setting up what's going
to happen in the story.
So perfect.
The night patisserie was their usual rendezvous point,
but today's meeting was not sanctioned and his phrases were fumble on nervous
fingers.
Even retired spies ought to have their meeting sanctioned.
But the question Bernie in his palms had alighted on the pager before he thought
better.
What was 1 flaggable event on a clean record?
So I mean, there's a lot happening here and we're
setting up basically this rendezvous between these two spies.
You know, on first reading, a lot of what is being described here to
me was a little bit I guess confusing.
I didn't wasn't sure what it meant.
The whole idea of a meeting being sanctioned and a flaggable event.
Like I think by the end of it, rereading it,
this stuff starts to make sense.
And we know that like they're two spies that they've retired and, you know,
they're meeting outside of this spy framework, obviously,
because he wants to like ask her out basically.
But this whole idea of a sanctioned event, a flaggable event is maybe a little bit
too much to be here upfront in your opening paragraph.
I can see why you would do that, though.
We're setting up the relationship between these two people and why they're there.
And I don't know that it's a problem to have it.
I think maybe it's just a little bit busy there and a little bit more clarity would
help.
For example, a part that I found wasn't clear was we
say today's meeting was not sanctioned and his phrases were fumble on nervous
fingers.
But I and I get later, yeah, this whole concept of them talking with
their hands and their gloves and so on.
But we don't have that yet.
So I'm not actually sure.
It might relate to the pager.
Like typing out a message on the pager.
Oh, yeah, good point.
OK, so that's probably the case, but I guess those things are not together
in a sentence.
And so they're a bit separate.
And I didn't put two and two together on that.
But no, that, that makes sense.
And we talk about here as well.
The question burning in his palms had alighted on the pager before he thought
better.
That's a little bit abstract to at this early stage when we have no context to
understand exactly what that means.
So I think it would be helpful to just be clear.
He messages her on the pager and she replies or, or, you know,
just really make that clear for us so that we can drop into that scene and and
really get it what we've got going on here.
But I will call that one out because again, Dean, Dean loved that.
The burning question, right?
So, you know, there's a lot of good stuff in here.
I think it's about maybe chipping away at some of that abstraction to really get it.
What's the important stuff here?
What do we need to know as we drop into the scene?
I'll also just call out that we actually have all three prompts covered in this
first paragraph.
We have obviously the anti prompt.
There's some passive sentences in there.
We have the burning question, which is a great use of burning.
And in fact, there's a fire later that I think I know
it's part of the plot, but doesn't necessarily need to be there
from a prompt perspective because you've actually already hit that in the first
paragraph.
And we've also got the cranes, 2 napkins folded into cranes.
So like, that stood out to me as well because we
read about those three things again and again, and here they all are,
like in the first paragraph.
Yeah.
But, you know, none of them problematic.
In particular.
However, like, maybe, yeah, our first impression of this story is not
as strong as it could be because we're getting some of these repeated themes
that we've seen throughout other stories in the competition.
And it really is your opportunity to stand out here and to to focus in on the
unique element of your story, which you can set up right away.
That they're talking with their gloves and hands.
I think you can set that up.
Yeah.
Like, forget the pager.
Like, I don't know that we need that.
That's another form of communication done with hands for sure.
But I think we could get straight into, yeah,
we don't need the back story of how that meeting, what kind of was initiated.
Yeah.
But like a lot of actual passive phrasing in this opening paragraph as well.
And look, again, we might challenge that at times it did
impact the clarity of what was being said there.
So have a think about it.
And again, like when you come to this story with
that editing mindset, think about the ones that are adding
value and the sentences that maybe are not adding as much value and really
refine that to get the most out of, you know, that opening paragraph.
And I look, I would reiterate if you've met the
prompt in a metaphorical way, which I feel this does very strongly,
like this is the whole story being about a non active way of communicating.
Like it's the anti prompt is so visible in the premise of this story that,
you know, I, I really don't think you also need to
lean heavily into passive language in the phrasing.
Sometimes, you know, definitely where that makes sense and
where it reinforces the story, but it's not something you need to do and
it's something you should be aware of and be careful about because passive language
can detract from writing often, you know, if the anti prompt wasn't there and you
had that idea, you probably wouldn't lean heavily into
passive language.
So it's it does make it very visible.
So this is a general caution.
When you receive a prompt, it doesn't mean that every single element
of the story absolutely needs to highlight that theme.
Yeah.
And look, having said that, though, I really appreciate an author who goes
hard.
And I will say that Marina did a good job here.
So we pick at it.
And and I do believe that there's some clarity issues in that opening paragraph.
However, generally speaking, the use of passive voice makes sense here
and it works.
And you know, a lot of people also want to take that
anti prompt seriously and they want to break the rule.
They don't just want to have a clever idea.
They want to break the rule technically and challenge themselves in that way.
And I think that's really great.
But I also think that way to do that here is that whole the table had been made.
That sentence alone is such an excellent use of that use of passive voice that
that's enough on its own and, and still technically meets it and does
so in a way which is funny.
Yeah.
And in fact, could have been even signposted more
clearly to really hammer that point home, I think, too.
But, you know, by the byte, like, that's a personal choice to what extent
you're going to challenge yourself and push yourself.
But do always beware that when you break the rule,
there's going to be consequences.
So, you know, something to think about every time.
Yeah.
And look, I'd point to this As a fairly transparent
use of the passive voice.
The real talking was done in code, a smattering of Victorian gloves speak
sign language and made up gestures.
Only they understood it was their way.
That is a pretty natural use of passive voice and if I read that sentence just in
a story and didn't have that theme like it wouldn't stand out as this is a really
passive sentence.
Change it to active voice.
I think it reads just fine as it is.
And so, yeah, something to be conscious of that your
writing is still natural.
It doesn't get twisted.
Yeah.
Just for the sake of the anti prompt.
Yeah.
But I think, you know, Marina really did want to go hard.
And in the next line where it's her glove of ivory velvet was twirled around the
fingers of her left hand, meaning we're being watched Now,
that first component.
I would challenge that and say, look, that's not a natural use of passive voice.
And that is a little jarring.
She's twirling the glove around her hand.
It's not just twirled like she's twirling.
And I would advise against that because I I don't think it, it's as impactful.
However, when your whole concept is to explore how
the hands and gloves are doing the talking without you, Like,
I get why you're doing that.
So that's completely up to you.
But we can only offer our perspective that it does limit the the impact
sometimes of these sentences.
Yeah.
I mean, it's a trade off, right?
Those those elements that you're trying, you're building the story.
Sometimes you elevate one at the expense of another.
So it's all about, you know, the style and the,
and the effect that you're trying to put forward.
Then look the next line.
The table was beaten with laughter, their gloves making soft thumps like a
pair of beating hearts.
I think this even further kind of disconnects us from the action.
Like we're looking at the table being beaten.
We're not really focused on the people there in the scene.
I do love the image of the gloves thumping like a pair of beating hearts.
I think that's really beautiful.
Yeah.
But yeah, I'm with you.
I think the table was beaten with laughter.
What are we to picture there?
Are they hitting their gloves against it?
Are they actually laughing, slapping the table?
Like, what?
What are we supposed to picture?
And it's too abstract for us to know.
And therefore it snaps us out of the story, which you want to avoid.
And I'm not sure really where that comes from in the action as well.
We've got the cat.
We sort of skipped over the cat there, but we've got a cat sort of pressing its
wet nose against the panes.
You know, they're talking to each other and they're
saying we're being watched, but it's a joke because they're being
watched by this cat that's pressing itself up against the window.
Right?
Yes.
But that's not stated in, like, a clearly comedic way.
So when they start laughing it, it's a little sudden.
And it's not necessarily the kind of joke that would result in, like,
beating the table and laughter.
It's like, I think that could be more clear for sure
that that emotional connection for us as readers.
Like, for us to feel like we're going to beat a
table with laughter as well.
We need to feel that in the moment.
Yeah, We should get one of those for our bread
shop, presumably a cat.
He signed in leather gloves.
So he communicates this using his gloves that they should get a cat for their
bread shop, which is a fairly complex idea.
I would say to to sign with your gloves without looking like you're speaking in
sign language.
But you say that too.
And I actually, because we've, we've gone back to the table and the
laughter when he says inverted commas, we should get one of those for our bread
shop.
I thought he meant the table, which like, duh, but you know, I did.
And so there's an opportunity there again, to be more clear without even using any
words, I think we should get a cat like that.
Or, you know, a grey cat.
You could say anything but to specify that he means.
The cat.
But as you say, yeah, I wonder like, yeah, exactly how that's communicated with.
And then I guess the next question I have is this idea of the bread shop.
They're not a couple.
So where does this history of we should have a bread shop really come from?
Yeah, obviously they're at a patisserie.
It's their go to place.
So you can imagine that those conversations may have happened,
but this is like the first time he's making a move.
So yeah, like they're they're retired, so, you know, and seems good friends.
And so maybe they've talked about, I don't know why you would retire and
then start a small business.
But yeah, like it is a little bit of a an
opportunity to be more clear about their relationship and back story, I guess,
and plans.
So why did you call for me?
Her hands asked, Well, that's a line that we would definitely
make that comment about in terms of disembodied body parts.
Yeah.
But like, you can't say that here when it's 100%
intentional.
So I think you make an exception here for that to allow that to unfold.
What I'm picturing in this scene.
And one, one thing that I guess I'm wrestling with
and trying to find words to express is you imagine their spies, right?
And they sit at the table doing their spy things and they've got 2 concurrent
communications happening.
One that's the above board, like talking about whatever they're
talking about.
And then the coded communication using their hands and their gloves.
And we get one side of this, but I'm not really sure what's happening
in that scene Overtly.
Hmm.
Because, yeah.
If you were just casually, like, chilling at the next table in this night
patisserie.
Yeah.
And there's this pair of older people together,
and they're just slapping their gloves around and, like, Glove City on the table.
Yeah.
And.
And so, for example, a question like, why did you call for me looking at this
scene?
I feel like there should be those two.
Yeah.
Concurrent modes of conversation to like add complexity to the scene and help us
visualise like what's happening.
And it would be actually cool if they're talking about one thing and then their
gloves, they're talking about another thing,
the text and the subtext, right?
And I agree, like having that balance can provide a
richer experience, but it's difficult here because your
premise that you've set yourself up with is this idea that that's the only way
they're communicating.
But it's something to think about.
And certainly, like you make the rules, it's your story,
but you can do it that way.
It's an option to do it that way, but I agree,
like having a more innocuous conversation on the surface,
but the glove saying more and saying something secret is a cool opportunity
instead of the whole conversation playing out that way.
Yeah, so.
His fingers twitched in amusement at her sign for phone.
Rotary dialled, even though touch, tone and paging was the norm in their
business.
So yeah, like it's complex signs with the phone
and all that kind of thing.
She was stubborn, classy and lovable in the kind of way
that had many of his old contacts asking after her.
Dash it all.
He should have done this a long time ago, but the old work,
their partnership on the bakery project, the amicable distance,
it all felt like a well worn glove he didn't want to lose.
So look, we get some hint there into like this
bakery.
Hmm.
But I'm not sure what the bakery project was and and how that links to their
bakery, this bakery or yeah, I'm a little bit confused.
So there's, there's some elements there, but I don't think that that's completely
tied up.
But I do like that enhancement of the, the glove metaphor,
like a well worn glove, like we're talking about gloves,
why not throw that in?
I don't know.
I, I felt that was a little bit heavy handed,
you might say.
And we go on again in the in the next sentence to say,
would this new glove fit as snugly?
Yeah.
Would she want an old pair like him?
And look, I do like that one though.
No, I do too 'cause that gives us his
insecurities, right?
It carries some emotional weight to it.
But I do, you know, that's a personal taste thing.
And it's completely within your rights as the author to lean heavily into the
metaphor.
But I think sometimes, like, for me, that was a little bit, a little bit much,
just there.
But I agree.
Once we get to the would she like an old pair like him?
It's resonant again.
Yeah.
She fidgeted with her cuff buttons, obviously sensing his nerves.
He was a fool for her.
I don't know if this is a little bit of head hopping a little.
And you know, it's it's also that thing which we've
mentioned in a few of the Daredevils this time of naming an emotion.
So she's obviously sensing his nerves.
So it's not technically head hopping because it's him assuming she's sensing
his nerves, if that makes sense, because he's watching her fiddle with the
cuff buttons.
Yeah, that's true.
So I think that's OK.
But I also think it's maybe not necessary to impose that on her.
And instead you just show.
And again, it's about keeping the reader immersed in
the scene, that if you show her fiddling with her
cuff buttons and doing something that sort of indicates that she's worried for
him or nervous for him, that's the thing.
And you don't need to then explain it.
And you need to show it in such a way that you don't need to explain it.
That's the gold standard, basically.
That's always the method to aim for.
So he stood, removing both gloves, and made to drop them the way they'd
learnt so long ago that two people meeting in secret might say I love you.
He threw them down, a jolt of nerves making the ACT more
forceful than intended, but one landed squarely in the bowl of
the gas candle.
So, yeah, a few things.
Well, one is like, I, I love the drama of that,
like the throwing me too, the gloves down.
I guess from a nitpick perspective, I'm, I'm wondering why that must be a sign
that spies learned like to say I love you through the dropping of gloves.
Like, how often does that come up for spies?
Shut up.
I don't care.
But that's that's a little bit, a little bit of a why not?
Like if they're spying on people, like, that's the kind of especially if you're
spying on like, I don't know, cheating spouses or whatever.
That's exactly the kind of thing the two people meeting in secret might say.
I love, love you to each other.
Yeah.
Is through dropping gloves.
Yeah.
But if you're spying on two people meeting in secret and they drop their
gloves and you're like, uh huh.
I was right.
The husband is cheating.
I get it.
I just wonder how often that that comes up, like, as a, as a little code.
Isn't that like 98% of Private Eye work is just following cheating spouses?
That was my understanding.
Yeah.
But the spouses are cheating.
They're not.
They're not throwing their gloves on the floor.
That's what I'm saying.
All right, Let it go.
Let it go.
I love that though.
It's so cute.
Like he throws it down.
He throws it down too hard.
Like I just think it's so cute.
It's like, I love you.
Oh, ****.
And then we have this scene of like things going wrong, basically,
which is what you want in the in your romance.
There's a moment of conflict and the all is lost moment.
Yeah, ****.
Like I've really ruined it now, haven't I?
I've lost my chance.
Which is great, 'cause we, we often call this out in romantic
stories that it's just like they both actually want it and then they get
together and that's the end.
MMM.
So you need something that is a little bit dramatic that that could keep them
apart.
And in this story, it is the fire the the burning glove.
You know, as I mentioned in the opening paragraph,
you didn't need a fire because you've already got a burning question in the
opening paragraph.
But here we are with a fire.
So the only critique I would have, there was one line that stood out to me
in this exchange, and that was had two expires ever been
more clumsy?
Which was a bit telling to me.
I felt like it was a bit of a telling line.
And I I know I don't know why, but I read it in I don't know.
Who's that friends character, Chandler.
Yeah.
Could 2 expires be more clumsy?
I don't know.
God, just because your head goes there.
Yeah, that's.
I didn't have an issue with that.
It didn't stand out to me.
But like, yeah, maybe it is Chandler.
Maybe it is.
So just with that paragraph too, we end with he was worrying.
She'd burned her hands as fire leapt onto the napkin cranes,
igniting them like a limping Olympian torches.
Just a little, a little PO related question here,
which is we've got the simile of Olympic or Olympian torches here.
Could we make that more spy?
Like could we get something a little bit more on brand here for them?
Because there's nothing wrong with that by any means.
But we've got an opportunity.
Yeah.
And so I just had a quick think and I'm like, well, stick a dynamite, right.
Like I have that spy.
There's a spy kind of bomb that.
Yeah, the the black bomb.
Exactly.
Like there's an opportunity.
A lit fuse.
Yeah, a lit fuse.
Exactly, more so than an Olympic or Olympian torch.
So just a little bit uni.
And I would say always look at your stories through that lens.
Like how would this character see it?
And if he's just like this retired spy and if everything to him is about,
you know, the table being made and the cat,
they're being watched by the cat.
Then again, here you can look at injecting a little
more spy stuff here too.
No, absolutely.
I think that's a good call out.
And look, I just wanted to call out in the next
couple of sentences or just jumping ahead or two.
It's something that we've mentioned a couple of times in this round of
Daredevils, and that's like glossing over a piece of
action or not describing.
It doesn't really need to be that kind of thing.
So we've got the patisserie owner came running bemoaning the ruined table set.
So we are left to imagine what that might look like.
What what might bemoaning a ruined table set look like?
We're not really kind of told it's a piece of action that's left to our
imagination.
And often when you do that, like you should question,
does it really need to be there?
If it needs to be there, maybe it should be in the scene and in
the action.
Yeah, a line of dialogue or something like that.
But I agree, like there's nothing wrong with having
the patisserie owner run out and sort of exclaim like for to react.
But in doing that, you you create a problem for yourself,
which is like you need to stage direct this extra character when you're right at
the end of the story and just get rid of him like he's he's just going to create
complications when your focus really needs to be on this couple.
And look, we have that continuing on to the next
paragraph where making apologies was done with words.
So again, left to our imaginations.
And I think look, there is some element of like we,
we only do get the subtext here.
We only do get the hidden coded conversation.
So what's said explicitly in the world, like we don't really care about it.
That's what Marina is going for here in in the story so that it all makes sense.
And I but I do like the line.
Making apologies was done with words.
But it was her bare hand sliding into his that started the real fire.
It's very romantic.
I don't know though.
I think the start of that sentence and it is expressed in passive voice.
And that was a problem for me.
Like making apologies was done with words.
That's a very awkward way to express something that happens all the time that
we all understand.
And I think it's just, I think it's a case where I really would
recommend in that instance to just ditch the passive voice and just say they made
their apologies with words, you know, and then move on because the second half
of that is so cute and you don't want to detract from that with that more obscure
way of referring to apologising.
So definitely agree, super cute and a really nice like we're
getting to the end here.
So it's a nice feeling.
But when they wove their fingers together, gloves discarded, skin needing no code,
he felt the world was there rendezvous.
So ending on a nice positive moment, a broad dog in it with no glove.
That's that's right.
It's turned the whole no glove, no love on its head and no glove love.
Oh, look, we've just spoiled the moment there
because it is a very, very sweet moment.
And I do like the feeling of the ending of the story and the story as a whole.
Like it's got.
It's just a nice story with again, that element of surprise or that unique
kind of premise that it starts with that adds value to.
So look, this, this was a maybe story for sure and had a
lot of lovely things going for it.
A few opportunities here and there to tweak,
but did you want to go through the prompts?
Yeah, let's look at the prompts.
And look, we have spoken about them, but the word crane appears twice,
both related to the folded origami napkins wants to introduce them and then
once when they catch on fire.
And again the action of burning appears twice.
We've got the burning question and we have the burning glove and the anti
prompts.
Like all of those elements.
Again, we have a heavy use of the passive voice
throughout the story, but we also have this great underlying
premise of communication through a non active way,
which is like it's great to see that inspired by the anti prompt.
Yeah, I think what I take from that and these
various uses of the prompts, and I said it in a previous Daredevil as
well, But once you have that pieced together,
it's an opportunity to pare it back a little and find the elements that are
really like adding value to the story.
And then maybe paring back or excising some of those elements that aren't adding
as much value.
So some of that passive voice I really think could be pared back and would help
this story a be more clear and flow a little bit better and just feel a little
bit more natural as well, which would help those all those
beautiful elements and that beautiful like romance really come through more
clearly instead of like us being distracted out just for that briefest
moment to kind of pass the language.
But I think what you've done really well here in a addition to like the whole idea
is structurally you've nailed it.
Basically we've we're contained completely in one scene.
We've got a beginning, middle and end.
And as you spoke about with this romance structure,
it's not just rainbows the whole way through.
We actually have some adversity to overcome and you know,
the initial awkwardness and all things.
So we go through an arc, we go through some ups and downs and we
end up where we want to end up.
So structure wise, I think it's great.
Yeah, it's, it's a strong story.
And hopefully we've given some insights into how you might even level it up,
up again, in our opinion at least.
Yeah.
Thank you, Marina, for sharing that with us.
And thanks to all our daredevils this round for sharing their stories and
putting themselves out there.
It's not always easy to expose yourself in that way.
And thanks also to the Contest Goblin crew for, like,
being a part of the daredevil experiences around.
Yeah, absolutely.
We're really glad to have you all.
Like, you brought such a diverse range of
stories and I imagine you shared them with each other as well and gave each
other feedback.
And that's such a like, a wonderful thing to have.
And we can see how like polished they are when they come.
And we can only hope that we've added value there for you.
And you know, that it's not been too painful because it
is hard to hear someone just completely, like, in an unfiltered way,
tell you everything they want, want you to change.
But ultimately, like, we're all just here to just, like,
find the best possible way to write the story that we want to write.
And I hope that's what we're helping to offer.
I hope it would never put any of you off because we really love what you bring to
the competition.
Yeah.
So thank you.
And like, that wraps it up not only for this
episode, but for the July round of the competition.
We'll throw the cranes, the burning and the passive voice into
the rearview mirror.
You just reminded me.
Just before we sign off, I have a present for you.
Oh, is it a paper crane?
Are you going to set me on fire?
I've thought about it.
Nothing gets a man's attention like being doused in gasoline.
Oh, beautiful.
It's a little blue ceramic crane.
A little bit alarming now in hindsight after Eilish's story about the blue
ceramic crane.
Yeah.
Beautiful.
Well, you can enjoy that.
And, and it's not just a crane.
It's a like, it's an origami crane that's made of.
It's an origami crane.
Beautiful.
Where where did you get this from?
Timo?
Really nice.
It may be a little haunted, so watch out.
OK.
But we'll see when it comes to life and offers me tea.
I recommend having tea for one.
But yeah, little memory of this round of the
competition and we are coming to the end of our anti prompt.
Yeah.
So October round coming up just around the corner and it'll be the funeral for
the anti prompt.
The last one.
Yeah.
And I hope you'll all join us because I don't know, just us, like we, like.
I'm sad.
Yeah, it's completely our decision and it's
like completely stupid.
But I am sad.
I'm sad to see it go, but I am very excited about what's coming
next as well.
But yeah, I hope everyone joins us for that 'cause
it's gonna, it's gonna be killer.
I reckon it's gonna be good fun.
I think it will be, yeah.
But you know, before then we've still got the critiques
to Polish off.
And you know, we've mentioned before they always take a
long time and I know it's a long wait, but we will be delivering those shortly
before the October round.
So you'll have that feedback ready to go as you approach the October round or
whatever else it might be that you're doing with your writing.
Yeah.
So no rest for the wicked.
We'll be right back into it.
We'll have plenty of other wonderful things coming up.
We have flesh fiction results that will be coming out at some point in the future,
probably by the end of the year, perhaps early next year.
We'll see how we go with those.
Oh, we're so excited to get stuck into it.
It's all just a matter of how we're going to fit it in, if you will.
As of the time of recording, which is right before the flesh fiction
deadline, I still don't have a story in.
And we both promised ourselves and each other that we would get our our own story
in so that we could put our money where our mouth is.
And that's right, Not that we will be eligible for any
prizes, but we're just hoping to like trick each
other into going, Oh, this was a really good one.
That's right.
That my, my dream is that it just like makes the
shortlist and then I'm like, I removed the mask like Zorro or
something and be like, it was me all along.
But.
But exactly what I want as well.
So.
But I know that you're going to pick it.
Yeah, as soon as you read it and you're going
to pick mine 100%.
We know each other's style too well.
But yeah, that's going to be good fun.
And I really can't wait for that as well.
All right, well, thanks again, everyone for joining us for the July
round and we'll see you all very soon.
Until then, right on, right on.
We hope you enjoyed this special Daredevil episode of Not Quite Right.
If you have thoughts on this story, follow us on social media and join the
conversation.
And if you'd like to participate in the next round of the competition,
head over to ourwebsite@notquiteright.com.
That's WRITE something doesn't seem quite right.