Not Quite Right features discussions that are unfiltered and uncensored,
and may include themes that are inappropriate for younger listeners.
Also, I swear a lot.
Something doesn't seem quite right.
Welcome to Not Quite right.
My name's Ed and I'm Amanda.
And welcome to the 5th and final Daredevil for the October 2025 round of
the Not Quite Right Prize.
MMM, And like, the final thing ever to do with the anti
prompt, you say that, but I would not be surprised if it reared
its ugly head at some point.
Like, you never know, but you never know.
I mean, there's certainly no plans for that at
this stage.
Yeah.
For the foreseeable future.
This is it.
And we're recording this in late 2025, but it's probably 2026 when this episode
drops, I imagine.
So Happy new Year, everyone.
This is a lovely way to start the year, getting engaged in, you know,
writing critique, what can improve our stories,
Perhaps All of us are kind of reflecting at the moment on what our goals are for
the year.
Do we wanna do more comps?
Do we wanna maybe step away from comps and do something else like submissions?
Finish your novel.
That's very triggering.
My big goal for this year is that I'm hoping to meet up with my coven in real
life.
I've known them for quite some time now and never met any of them in person so I
hope and and have my fingers crossed does manifesting into the universe that I will
get a chance to super exciting see them this year.
What if you meet them and you just hate them all?
Ohh my God imagine.
Or they hate me and they're like, why did you come?
No, look, I'm manifesting that we don't all hate
each other.
Maybe not put the other option out into the universe.
But yeah, I hope everyone's feeling positive and
excited about the year ahead.
I certainly AM.
2025 can suck a bag of ***** and we can move on.
Is this our 2025 retrospective?
I don't know.
It's been a year.
There's been good things and bad things, I think.
Yeah, quite a few bad things for me.
So I'm.
I'm ready to say goodbye.
I'm ready to kiss it goodbye.
Give it the boot.
It can only get worse though.
2026.
What is up your bum today?
What if all your friends actually hate you?
What if it just gets way worse?
What if right now is the best it ever gets?
And with that, let's kick off our Daredevil today.
So as a reminder, daredevils of people have signed up to
have their stories critiqued on air on the podcast.
So we read the story, break it down, share our thoughts,
and hopefully all learn something in the process and not suffer like you're
indicating.
Hopefully just a little bit.
That's the aim.
Just enough to grow.
Got to break a few eggs to make an omelette or something.
So as a reminder, the prompts for this round were the word
boot, the action prompt of kissing goodbye,
and the last ever anti prompt of breaking the rule.
Show don't tell.
So who's the egg we're going to break today?
And today's egg is Monum Karosh.
And it's not his first rodeo.
He's been a daredevil before, back in April, I believe,
with this story leaking compartments.
So it's his second time on the chopping block, and he'll be back again in January.
Yeah, in fact, Kuroch kindly stepped in when we had ADNF
from one of our daredevils for this round.
So he took up that final spot.
And yeah, he's going to back it up again in the
next round, which he will be writing for very soon.
So hopefully we can provide some insights here that will get him onto that long
list, maybe short list for the next round.
Absolutely.
And so here is Third Time's The Charm by Monam Kuroch.
You ****** my mum 16 years ago.
Jace coughed and sputtered, nearly choking on his drink.
He'd heard plenty of crazy Ice Breakers on the streets,
but this was an absolute first.
The bartender and the single other patron in the dive bar exchanged a glance,
quickly deciding that there was a very interesting pigeon on the street that
could only be appreciated from up close.
Jay stared at the teenage boy.
If the kid had wanted his undivided attention, he definitely had it now.
For some reason, this is the only thing that gets anyone's
attention.
The boy grumbled, then he sighed.
You're the third guy I've told this to, but I'm still not sure how to continue
this discussion.
Chase slowly shook his head.
Maybe you could tell me your name, and preferably also your mother's.
Craig, I doubt you ever asked my mum's name,
but she was Anissa.
The kid was right, Chase couldn't for the life of him
remember ever meeting Anissa, let alone sleeping with 1.
He said he's half empty, glass down, piercing together the mess that had been
thrown into his face.
Wait, you said I'm the third person you've said
this to?
Well my mum wasn't exactly the picture of virtue.
Craig explained with a shrug.
And how did your other conversations go?
I learnt that I shouldn't talk about this in front of people's families and Co
workers.
Jay sent a silent prayer for the undoubtedly dead social lives of his
unfortunate predecessors.
OK, he said finally, Let's say your story is real.
Why are you here right now?
Craig replied with practised nonchalance.
I was born around nine months later, he quietly added.
My mum's dead, so I kind of need a guardian.
Chase covered his face with his hands and groaned.
Did you say this part to the other two guys?
Yeah.
Chase refused to look toward Craig.
He downed everything left in his glass in one go,
trying to drown the images of two random guys,
one getting booted out of his house and the other watching his job prospects burn.
When he felt tipsy enough, he finally turned toward the boy.
Listen, kid, there are much better ways to scam people.
Jace's voice trailed off as his eyes met Craig's, brimming with painful hope,
and registered their colours, A stormy grey with brown flecks.
Then his brain started finding other features.
The WAVY brown hair, the sharp chin, that slight tilt of the nose.
It was all too familiar.
Craig shakily held out an old journal to Jace.
She kept a very good diary, so I found your names in it.
Hands shaking just as badly, Jace accepted the journal.
How many other father candidates are there?
4, maybe 5 if we're flexible with the time
frame.
Jace stared at the journal.
He had some reading to do.
But First things first, you can stay at my place,
be swallowed hard, at least until we meet these other guys.
So thanks for your story.
And Croatia's left us a voicemail so we'll play that now.
Hello Ed and Amanda, I hope you guys are doing well.
This is Kuroch calling in from California.
The late addition to these rounds, Daredevils,
as I really wanted to be part of the anti prompt funeral made rest in peace.
So I wrote under time constraints again this time.
This time because I forgot to check my email though,
and I went with the idea of what's the most audacious opening line I can think
of and I just wrote from there.
The only thing I would definitely change about my story is its title,
as with the benefit of hindsight I can definitely say that The Third ******
****** would definitely be a much better title for the story.
But that aside, I have two questions.
First of all about the amount of subtext I can get away with in the story because
I've been testing it a little bit and been getting very varied feedback.
And like.
For example, in this story I tried to trust the reader
to figure out that the main character is seeing himself and the boy,
not the mother, as in the beginning we even alluded to
the fact that both agree that there is no way he's going to like, for example,
remember the mother's name at all.
I don't know, maybe I should have mentioned a mirror.
Second thing, I've tried a lot of different types of
humour.
I want to see which ones have worked in this story.
Thank you very much.
Have a great day.
So thanks for your message and a lot of great questions there.
And we will get to all of those through our discussion of the story.
But I guess let's start with that title.
So Ed, what do you think of the title as it is
versus perhaps that alternative option, The Third ************?
So the current title is Third Time's the Charm.
And it is it is a cliche.
While that phrase does relate directly to the story,
I think the story would be better served with a more unique and compelling title.
And look, I think the Third ************ would
definitely work in this competition.
I think I would even just simplify it to the ************ might even do it or even
************ might might be enough.
I think if you were going to go for a title like that though, and I agree,
like it would certainly be attention grabbing as the first line is in this
story.
But I feel like the tone of the story would need to sort of elevate to match
that.
So we do have and we will talk about the humour in the piece.
We do have some humorous moments there, but it's also quite a sad story as well.
You know, it's got a bit of a sad element and I'm
not sure that that that real punchy, kind of comedic ****** ****** title
carries the same tone as the story in its current form.
So I would suggest personally either if you were to edit the story to fit that
tone and and look, maybe if you gave it that title,
you might have instinctively sort of written more in that framing.
But if you were to keep the story in its current form,
I would suggest a title more befitting that tone that it carries.
Now look, I've got a similar comment about the
first line opening line, which is you ****** my mum 16 years ago.
And that's definitely an attention grabbing first line.
And it's a great hook, like, especially for this comp,
might not work so well in other comps.
But in this comp, like, I think just at least getting our
attention, getting us to kind of go home, what's going to come next is pretty
important.
Yeah.
But I think, as you say, you are also setting up tone #1 and
expectation #2 about what's coming next.
So if you title your story the third ************ you open with,
you ****** my mum 16 years ago.
I'm expecting some pretty crazy **** to follow that story, some antics,
if you will.
So what we do get is, as you say, this slightly sad story about a child
who's lost their parent and they're trying to kind of find someone to look
after them.
And it's not as wacky as all that implies.
So I think it's important to, as you say, consider the tone and the expectation
that you're setting with that title and opening line.
But it is audacious, you know?
And yeah, I definitely think that's a strong choice
to lead with.
OK, so let's get into what follows.
Jace Kauftan sputtered, nearly choking on his drink.
He'd heard plenty of crazy Ice Breakers on the streets,
but this was an absolute first.
The bartender and the single other patron in the dive bar exchanged a glance,
quickly deciding that there was a very interesting pigeon on the street that
could only be appreciated from up close.
So I don't know if this is a minor point, but like we're in the first paragraph,
we've just heard, Hey, you ****** my mum.
We want to know what's happening, right?
We want a the stage to be set so that we can see where we are and who's there and
that kind of thing.
And that's all great.
And I think you've done that really well in this paragraph.
He's choking on his drink.
There's a bartender, there's another patron.
We're in a bar.
We know where we are.
We we get what's happening.
So that all happens to a appropriate degree.
So very happy with that.
I think this whole side discussion about the pigeon and everyone leaving,
So what you're introducing, there is two more characters,
the bartender, the other patron in the bar,
only for them to like, leave.
Yeah.
We're now drawing attention away from our primary characters to like a pigeon in
the street.
It feels like a bit of a distraction, although there is that humour in the fact
that they're immediately searching for something to look at.
I feel like that just distracts us a little bit.
So that might be like one of those darlings that needs to go.
Yeah, for sure.
I think it definitely can go, especially if you're looking for words to
cut at any point to put other things in.
I think the moment there that Karoshi's introducing is this, you know, the moment,
the classic tape, I guess, in the bar and everything goes silent.
It's the saloon where the piano stops, that kind of moment.
And, you know, I think that moment is captured well by
this idea of there being a pigeon and so on.
But I think it just sort of lingers on that too much at the expense of the
actual action of the scene.
So there may be a more efficient way of expressing that kind of awkwardness that
you're trying to express.
But the other challenge here is too is that it's a little bit of a head hop.
So we are, we do have an omniscient narrator here or
a third person narrator.
So it is OK to get the perspectives of other characters,
but I don't think it adds value to do that in a piece of flash fiction.
So these guys and looking at a pigeon, like if you're the guy who's just been
told you ****** my mum 16 years ago, you're not then turning to watch what the
bartender and this other guy are doing and they're oh, and then looking, oh,
they're looking at a pigeon.
No, your eyes are dead locked on this kid
who's just said that to you.
You're not noticing what anyone else is doing.
And so I think it's really important to be very clear about POV.
And if we jump back to the title as well, I didn't mention this when we're talking
about the title, but if we called this ************ or the
third ************ that's actually the child's perspective of this story,
when when in fact it's really their main character, his POV,
he wouldn't call the story ************.
Yeah, because that's making light of this
situation that's happening to him.
That's more what the kid might call it, potentially.
So I think if we look maybe a little bit more closely at the POV that we're
focusing on here and making sure that we're staying tight to what's relevant to
our main character, what he's noticing and experiencing and
through his eyes, what's happening in that scene.
As opposed to like, as you say, these secondary characters and or the
child and what their perceptions are of this scene.
I guess that's all a big roundabout way to say that's probably not adding value
that little piece.
And it would add more value to stay tight within this character's point of view and
what he's seeing and hearing and feeling in that moment.
No, I agree with that.
The other thing I would say about this, and I think this is a little bit,
it's a bit of a critique for the probably the whole story story,
is that I think there's a bit of a pacing issue here.
Pacing's a difficult 1.
So when we talk about pacing, we're talking about like the flow of the
story.
Sometimes the story might drag on a bit.
You get that feeling of like, come on, get on with it.
Or sometimes the story might move too fast and you can't really keep up.
So those are sort of the two ends of the extreme.
And in there there's a whole range of ways you can pace a story.
Now, some might suit a slower pace, some might suit a faster pace.
So there's not really one rule that you can rely on.
But what I will say is that it helps to think about how a scene would play out in
real life.
And that's when you know whether the pacing's feeling right or not.
Now, in this scene right here, we've had a kid come up to a guy in a bar.
He said you ****** my mom 16 years ago.
And now the guy's kind of gone into his own head for a minute for like,
a couple of paragraphs, really.
He's coughing and sputtering.
He's noticing what these other guys are doing.
They're exchanging glances.
There's a pigeon, he's staring at the teenage boy,
He's got my attention.
And then the kid says something else.
It's like, that's quite a lot.
If you were in the real scenario and you were sitting in a bar and a kid came up
to you and said you ****** my mom 16 years ago,
your reaction to that would be immediate.
So the coughing and sputtering makes perfect sense.
That's an immediate reaction because you've caught off guard.
But then you need to like, respond immediately,
not sort of withdraw into your head and take a moment and look around.
And that's where I feel like the pacing's off a little bit.
The action that would happen in real life would be much faster than the way it's
being described here in this scene.
And you know, that can add dramatic impact when you
sort of reflect on something.
But I think in this shocking moment, that's not the time to have the
reflection.
The reflection can come a bit a little bit later.
I guess it it's a tricky one because you cannot have the same pacing in the real
world as you would in in a story because sometimes these moments will be over too
quick and you need to kind of linger.
But I guess it's maybe the point of having a consistent pacing through the
story that you're focused in on the action.
And then you hit beat to beat to beat to beat at a kind of rhythm.
And, you know, going back to the point of the first
paragraph, like the distraction, then back into the moment,
then taking a little little detour, like you want to just focus in on these
important moments.
Well, I mean, this was just one point where I felt the
pacing didn't fit for me.
And it is just an instinctive thing.
There is no one rule.
It's just something that you feel about a story, and as we go through,
there's one other point where I'll, I'll bring up the pacing again,
but we'll get to that when it comes in the story.
OK, so moving on.
For some reason, this is the only thing that gets anyone's
attention.
The boy grumbled, then he sighed.
You're the third guy I've told this to, but I'm still not sure how to continue
this discussion.
Chase slowly shook his head.
Maybe you could tell me your name, and preferably also your mother's.
So I guess what I want to call out here and a few things to think about and focus
on is just whether that dialogue is natural, right?
So there's some exposition happening here.
We find out that's the third guy that he's spoken to,
but it's also a 16 year old kid.
And the responses he's giving are quite measured and calm and matter of fact.
And he's simply stating facts.
And while that might be part of his character,
maybe he's just a naturally calm and reserved person.
It's not really in tune with the tone that I think you're going for in this
story, which is more surprising and comedic and.
And again, antics.
Yeah.
Right.
And to have a child step in and just kind of matter of factly say these things.
Yeah.
There's a few other lines like I'll just jump ahead just to read the dialogue.
Well, my mum wasn't exactly the picture of
virtue.
Craig explained with the shrug.
And I learned that I shouldn't talk about this in front of people's families and Co
workers, which is probably more the comedic line.
But this kids around 15 or 16 years old and some of this language feels quite
formal and stilted a little bit and unnatural.
So as you say, like just looking at what would be
natural feeling dialogue.
And it is difficult sometimes because you do need to have that exposition and and
move the plot along as well.
But just trying to find a voice for this.
1516 year old boy that feels more fitting with his character.
And if if he is going to be sassy, great.
Bring in that sass.
Yeah.
And I think that would probably feel more genuine.
I think even that this story is so grounded in dialogue as well.
Like that dialogue really needs to reveal your characters and who they are.
And I think there's also opportunities there.
And if you, you know, if you want to lean into the,
the comedic aspect or if you want to like imbue your story with some emotional
energy, there is opportunities when you know,
when your main character says, wait, you said I'm the third person you've said
this to.
And the the child responds with well, my mum wasn't exactly the picture of
virtue.
What if he responded with like, are you saying my moms a ****?
Yeah, like, what if he responded more emotionally?
What if he got defensive?
And what what if there was conflict there that arose out of that?
And so I think there's opportunities through your dialogue to A reveal your
characters and B, create like drama and conflict and
elevate either the comedy or the emotional intensity or all of those
things.
And I think there are a couple of emotions woven through this story.
And I think if we are to talk about post single effect and working towards a
single emotional effect, I do think there is a little bit of a
disconnect here.
Karosh talks about the comedy element in here.
And there are moments of that.
But to me, the feeling was far more sad.
Yeah, it was much more this child who's in
distress and a man who's just been confronted with some pretty heavy ****.
Like that's what came through for me.
So the lighter moments didn't really hit as well as they might have.
And look, that's fine.
I mean, I think in real life we have moments of
awkwardness, you know, and moments where we might be sarcastic
or make a joke to lighten a heavy situation.
But if we think about what the reader is feeling and what they're meant to take
away from it, it can be a confusing reading experience
to kind of get too many different things.
Yeah, happening.
And it's not, I mean, I say too many different things,
like it's 1000 things.
It's not.
It's a couple of things.
But they they stand in contradiction to each other.
And so that can be a little bit emotionally confusing.
So I think it does help to sort of decide what emotion you want the reader to feel
as a result of this story.
And if you are wanting like a kind of lighter tone,
then you would have to inject a lot more of that to really overcome what is this
like sadness at the heart of the story.
And you would need the characters to feel much lighter about what's happening so
that we could feel lighter about it, too.
Alternatively, if you want to lean in, lean into the heavier side of this story,
You could equally do that.
But in my opinion, it would help to choose one or the other
rather than kind of sit on the fence with those two ideas.
No, I agree, especially with a short piece when you
just don't have the space to do both.
Yeah.
OK.
So let's move on to the next section.
How did your other conversations go?
I learned that I shouldn't talk about this in front of people's families and Co
workers.
Jay sent a silent prayer for the undoubtedly dead social lives with
unfortunate predecessors.
So look, I think there's another opportunity there
because you're giving.
And this is the comedy, right?
You're implying these comedic scenes that we don't get to see.
Yeah.
Play out.
And, you know, you're, you say implying comedic,
and we are because we're taking it lightly.
But quite seriously.
That's not funny.
Yeah.
There are people's lives being destroyed.
Yeah.
So that's the difficulty that I'm talking about,
that we've got actually something quite dark happening.
Yeah.
And the lightness for me isn't making me feel light because I'm feeling very
heavily.
This kids being going around saying to people that they potentially his father.
That's a big call.
That's for someone who's being told that that'd be a very destabilising moment if
you weren't aware that you potentially had a son,
even if it was later proven to be not you.
So yeah, I guess for me, it didn't sort of feel light enough.
I guess what I'm saying is there is a potential for that to be a comedic scene
like you imagine.
Yeah, movies like, I don't know, meet the parents or something where there
is that kind of over the top kind of exactly.
But I think you have to put it in the scene.
And he made the choice to, this is the third time he's doing it,
right?
And he's had these experiences the last two times he's done it.
Why not make those experiences the current scene?
And if you have these ideas of comedic moments where someone's partner or
colleague was in the room when this happened and it was all chaos,
then I think that would have been a great scene.
If you did do that, you would have to lean pretty heavily
into it because you're needing to kind of overcome the heavier side of it.
So you you really need to go kind of quite absurd potentially for us to enjoy
it because if it feels too real, it feels probably too painful.
And yeah, taking a lighter approach like a Meet the
Parents is probably a good example where things just get taken to an extreme and
it just feels completely ridiculous.
So we can all have a big laugh because it doesn't feel real.
So Craig replied with practise nonchalance.
I was born around nine months later, he quietly added, Mum's dead.
So I kind of need a guardian.
When you talk about natural feeling dialogue,
this issue didn't really sit with me that a 1516 year old boy is looking for a
guardian.
Yeah, like that's his primary concern.
Younger, I think if that was going to be well.
And also is this also his responsibility is the other kind of thing.
It's someone should be looking for a guardian for you.
But more than that, right?
More than the logistics of it, which I do think are potentially an issue.
That's not what you're looking for.
You're trying to find your dad.
It's not I need a guardian.
It's are you my dad?
Like you're searching at that age, especially searching for who you are and
your identity.
The important thing isn't that I've got someone to like sign my permission slips
for school.
You know, this is I need to know who my dad is and
find him.
And it's become urgent now for whatever reason.
So that was a little bit of an emotional disconnect for me where this character's
goal didn't really resonate because it's not grounded in emotion, really.
It's like, I just need to do ticker box, basically.
Yeah.
And I think that's an issue.
I think you would need to to look a little bit deeper into that and think
about what does this kid actually want and how is he feeling in that moment as
he's trying to get that thing.
You know, if he if he really does think this guy
might be his dad, I would imagine he'd be scanning his face
and like watching his every move and being really,
really fixated on the potential for this guy to be his dad.
Not this more flippant like, oh, you're just one of five guys.
You're next on my list.
It's like a pretty important list.
You'd be scanning him, comparing him to the guys you've already
met, comparing his physical appearance to your
own, I believe anyway, like I've, I have not had this experience,
but that's what I imagine would happen.
He would be like on high alert basically of every moment and every word this guy
said and what that meant for you.
And you would be so nervous.
And I would also say leaning is that emotional authenticity because that's
what you're trying to do.
You know, even with a comedic story, you're still trying to create an
emotional connection, a genuine emotional connection to what
the characters are feeling.
And there's also in the same extract, there is a line.
Craig replied with practise nonchalance.
Why is he being nonchalant?
Like, why isn't he a young boy who's lost their
mother?
Why isn't he like, destroyed?
Why isn't he like giving this everything he's got kind of thing?
Why I would say just let him feel those emotions.
Let those emotions come through in his character,
and then we can feel like he's genuinely motivated by this need to find his father,
and we can see that and we can connect with it.
And I think maybe this is trying to distance those emotions a little bit in
order to let the comedy come through a little bit.
But I think you're better served by actually letting the characters have
these emotions.
I don't know, you say that.
I'm not sure I fully agree with that because I think practise nonchalance
suggests he very much cares.
He's had to practise it.
Like as if you can't hurt me, I'm going to just say this super cash and
sort of act like it's not the most important thing to me in the whole entire
world.
So, but also just stepping back from that for
a second, I think again, it's a little POV issue because we're
getting into his head of his practise nonchalance.
Well, Jace wouldn't know that he's practised
this nonchalance.
He might be able to infer that, but it's not phrased in that way.
It's phrased from the perspective of this character.
So again, I would say pull out of that.
What is Jace seeing this boy do?
How is he watching this boy's nerves play out in how he speaks and what he's,
you know, is he fidgeting?
Like what else he's doing in that scene?
Well, yeah, that's exactly right.
And the other thing is it's also telling because we're being told that it's
practised nonchalance, but everything in his actions just shows
that he's emotionally removed from the situation.
So if there were those little details of how he was hiding it and like you said,
he was, you know, biting his nails or pulling at his
fingers or something like that, that show that he was actually deeply
cared, that might have come through a bit more
clearly.
So.
And then Jace covered his face with his hands and groaned.
Did you say this part to the other two guys?
Yep, Chase refused to look toward Craig.
He downed everything left in his glass in one go,
trying to drown the images of two random guys,
one getting booted out of his house and the other watching his job prospects burn.
When he felt tipsy enough, he finally turned towards the boy again.
I feel like this is a little bit of a distraction again from the action of the
scene.
We're kind of.
We've already, a couple of paragraphs ago, been left to imagine what happened the
last two times, and now we are, we're imagining the same scene again and
it's taking us a little bit out of the action when we want to really be stuck in
that moment.
Well, this is the moment that I hinted at
before when I said I had another moment where pacing was the issue.
So I feel like we've really slowed everything right down again.
He's gone back into his head.
He's thinking about these other two guys again.
I really don't feel like that's what you're thinking about.
This kid has confronted you, you're wrestling with the idea that you
might be a father, and you're finding this out for the first
time and your thoughts are turning to the consequences for these other two guys.
I'm just not sure that that's A, where his brain would go.
And B, again, like if we're going off into like,
really it's a bit of back story and we're taking ourselves out of the scene.
Like, what's happening in that moment in the
scene is he's kind of just sitting there staring off into the distance and
thinking about these past events that he wasn't a witness to.
And for us, that's slowing down the action of the
scene.
What would realistically happen is that he would respond immediately is what I
would say.
I mean, it's quite a bit of time.
You know, he's refuses to look at him.
He's downed everything he left in his glass.
So he's taken a swig.
That's fine.
But then it's like when he felt tipsy enough,
like it takes a while for alcohol to take effect.
That's a passing of time there while he's sitting there thinking.
And to me that's an issue.
I would also, again, just highlight this is an opportunity to
consider the personality of your characters and how that can affect your
story.
Because we have a, a child who is very considered and
restrained and all that kind of thing, very matter of fact.
And we also have Jace as your main character who's also very thoughtful and
introspective and not kind of rash and judge mental and that kind of thing.
So it's a very civilised conversation between these two that results in a a
positive outcome, which is fine.
But like I said, what if the child was defensive and
emotional and really wanted to find his dad?
But also what if Jace was an ******* or not necessarily an ******* But think
about the different types of characters, different types of personalities these
characters could have and how that might affect the outcome of this discussion.
Because again, being very dialogue based, you can lean into that dialogue to have
these emotional responses that create conflict and create drama and make it an
interesting story and sort of escalate.
Yeah, exactly.
Escalating action.
And maybe they they get to the same conclusion,
but the journey becomes a lot more rocky and a lot more exciting, I guess,
just based on these little tweaks of personality.
So then Jason's voice trailed off as his eyes met Craig's,
brimming with painful hope, and registered their colours,
A stormy grey with brown flecks.
Then his brain started finding other features.
The WAVY brown hair, the sharp chin, that slight tilt of the nose,
it was all too familiar.
And I really love this way of expressing that change in your main character,
basically of realising, hey, actually maybe what this guy is telling
me is the truth.
And in your message, Karosh, you mentioned like, this idea of subtext.
And am I doing enough there?
I think you've done exactly enough there to tell the reader.
Oh, he's realised that he's seeing himself.
Yeah, yeah.
Definitely would recommend not introducing a mirror.
Yeah, mirrors are sort of famously used for
that, like for for characters to look at their
own appearance.
And it can feel a bit forced.
It's not that you can never have a mirror, but it is one of those things that gets
overused.
So I would try and avoid a mirror if you can.
But also, you know, you said you get varied feedback about
how much subtext you need.
And that makes perfect sense to me because every story is going to be
different and every part of the story is going to have different clarity needs.
And when we talk about how much subtext is too much or or not not enough,
it's really a question of clarity.
And for me, this was clear enough.
It's very clear that he's reflecting on the boy's appearance and therefore his
lineage or parentage.
The only?
Is, is he seeing himself in the boy or is he
seeing the boy's mother?
But because you've already set up that he doesn't really remember the mother,
it's sort of to me self evident that he's seeing himself in this boy.
So I think that works.
And but it's not like, OK, therefore that's the exact amount that
you use all the time.
It's going to depend on the circumstances for each story and you're going to have
to address each situation.
So if you're getting feedback from beta readers saying too much subtext, well,
what they're really saying to you is I needed more clarity.
And that doesn't mean take away the subtext.
I think subtext is always something that you want to have,
but what it means is you need a little bit more clarity somehow.
And that's going to be up to you at the time to solve that problem.
How do I put the right information in the reader's head without, like,
having to remove all the lovely rich subtext that I've created?
And by the same token, you know, they might say there's not enough.
I think that would probably be a rare comment to come from someone,
a very insightful comment to say there's not enough subtext.
But if they were to say that what they're really saying is this is a little bit too
in your face, it would be nice if there was something a
bit more to chew on, like it's a bit too straightforward.
Let's have a little bit more work for the reader to do so that it feels satisfying.
But it is a goal that you probably should have is to not put everything necessarily
on the page.
Matter of fact, it's that show don't tell thing, right?
It's giving the reader a little bit of work to do,
giving them things to interpret, not just giving them the outcome.
So I guess Long story short, we both agree that that it was an
appropriate amount of subtext and it was perfectly clear and made sense for us.
And the other thing I just want to mention on that is that, you know,
I often say, oh, I don't want to hear about someone's hair
colour or eye colour.
Well, it's OK here, right, because it's highly relevant.
So that isn't just a blanket statement that applies to everything.
It's something that I say because it's often irrelevant.
But in this case, obviously, it is incredibly relevant and therefore
fits.
Yeah.
And I'm glad that you didn't say with the brown specks just like mine or something
like that.
Need to.
Yeah, exactly.
I think there is that satisfaction for a reader of putting those pieces together
on their own.
We talk about it sometimes with the subtext thing and the clarity thing.
It's like all the pieces of the puzzle have to be there,
but we get to put them together.
If a piece of the puzzle is missing, you have to provide that as the author.
You can't necessarily leave all the question marks.
It's got to be there.
But it's OK if we're the ones putting those pieces together.
OK.
So this next section introduces this idea of the journal, right?
And this is answering the question like how do you know it's how does he know
that it's Jason?
It answers that question.
But again, I would ask whether that question needs
to be there in the 1st place.
And you know, you've gone with the third ************
here and rather than the first one.
And I really think that this could be simplified down into the first because I
don't know that if that having the two prior necessarily adds that much value to
the storytelling.
And again, as I've mentioned, incororating those antics that have taken
place in this one scene could help give this scene a bit more life.
So if you just had one, if it was just this guy that the mother
had mentioned and then the kid had Googled or, you know,
looked up the yearbook or something like that,
you wouldn't have this problem of how do I explain 5?
And there's a diary.
And now if you kept it to 1, then those questions would have been
answered and you've had more space to have those interactions and have all that
comedic stuff come out in the scene itself.
All right.
And so, and then we, we kind of move to the end of the the
story.
So he finds out that there's another couple of candidates potentially.
But really he, I think he's kind of come to the
conclusion that it is him based on what he's noticed about the appearance.
So he offers, you can stay at my place.
He's swallowed hard, at least until we meet these other guys.
And so that's the final line, which I feel could have been a little bit
stronger an ending, I would say that feels like the beginning
of a story rather than an entire finished piece, The beginning of a longer story,
right?
This is kind of the setup for the relationship story between this man and
this boy, who will no doubt prove to be his son at
some point.
And I agree, I think it could have been a more
conclusive ending there that felt made the story feel finished as a complete
piece on its own without sort of like as a stand alone story as opposed to the
part of a bigger this story.
I guess there are some elements that I feel are missing from a storytelling
perspective and the way I'm imagining it.
And I know, look, this is me imagining things and it's not
the story that you're telling here, Karosh.
But what if there was more conflict?
What if we had that all these lost moment where there's been a whole
misunderstanding.
The kid thinks that this guy hates him and he's walked out.
And then as he's walked out, he's like, notice these features about it kind of
thing.
And we've had that moment where there's a real change, a turning point.
Yeah.
And then an emotional turn, an emotional turning point where he's
like, oh, actually this guy might be right.
And then immediately after we get that moment, not where he just says, oh,
I guess stay with me until we look at these other guys, but where he's like,
I accept you kind of moment.
That's that's a more conclusive, stronger emotional statement than just
stay with me for a bit.
Yeah.
And I'd still reject it because we're going to meet these other guys.
Yeah, exactly.
And look, not to really hammer Karosh here.
And I feel like we have gone pretty hard.
We've gone so hard.
But I have a bit of an issue with this idea of, OK,
come stay at my place when the boy never asked to stay at his place.
He could.
He didn't even confirm where he's living now.
Like, he did say he needs a guardian.
But yeah, that didn't ring us true for me either.
Like, just OK, come stay at my place.
That's a big offer, Yeah.
For a start, for a man with a teenage boy that he's
met in a dive bar, Like that's I don't want to insinuate
anything here, but like, that's a risky thing to do.
And so that is an issue.
But also like, why are you offering for him to stay when
he hasn't actually asked for a resolution of, like, his actual desire?
Yeah.
And so I think some work needs to be done there in terms of what the boys scene
goal is and if that goal is a place to stay.
OK.
Yeah.
But I think probably emotional, the goal is more I need to know who my
father is.
And then emotionally, Jace's journey in relation to that is
rejecting it.
Reject, reject, reject until he cannot reject it because
it's very evident that it's true.
And that's the flip for him emotionally.
And then we have some sort of moment of connection rather than a resolution to
the housing problem, which sounds really flippant,
but that's kind of how this feels.
You know, it feels a little bit flippant because
it's kind of on that surface level instead of getting really into the
emotional heart of what's going on in this scene.
So, you know, tough critique there.
Like, I think we've had a lot of nits to pick.
Yeah.
Look, I, I agree.
I think we've gone quite hard on Karosh.
It's a second time around Karosh.
So we know that you've, like, taken the the hits once and you're back
for more.
So we're hopefully you can take the hits once again because you're back again in
January.
Yeah.
You might be deeply regretting that decision by now.
Yeah.
But none of this is to say that this is, you know, a bad story.
Or that there are.
What you've got on the page doesn't work, but I think with the core of what you
have here, there's a lot of opportunities to really
suck everything you can out of that scene because there's a lot left on the table
emotionally.
I feel in the way that these characters are written, in the way that they're,
their dialogue plays out where, you know, with 500 words,
you really need to just like, squeeze and squeeze everything you can.
Yeah.
I think it's a matter of committing to a specific emotional experience that you
want the reader to have.
So my challenge with this story, because as you say,
there's plenty to like about it.
It is a very dramatic, impactful moment.
So it's an excellent choice for a piece of flash fiction to to have this kid come
up and say you ****** my mum.
That is a great start.
That is very compelling.
From there, I guess my challenge is to sit with the
idea of this kid, sit with these two people as if they're
real human beings, and think about what does this
interaction look like in real life?
And then from there, how can I maximise the drama of it?
For sure.
And if you want to go down a comedic path, you absolutely can.
But you need to commit.
Yeah.
And you need to take that and make it feel still not real, but believable.
Yeah, Right.
It needs to feel believable.
And it doesn't have to be real to be believable.
It just has to make sense in its own story world.
But you've got to commit to that because if you're kind of over here,
it's a little bit emotional, and over here it's a bit sarcastic and
the reader doesn't know how to feel.
You've got to take some leadership there and really take them on an emotional
journey with these characters.
Well, I mean, not to beat this dead horse, but it didn't have a single effect.
Yeah, it had several effects.
Yeah, it did.
And I think that comes from this place of not,
I imagine having this real life experience and so not drawing from a real
place of emotion in writing it.
And instead like sort of taking this more observational view of things rather than
really immersing yourself in what it might feel like to not know who your
father is.
And to at the age of 15 or 16, confront a man in a bar and say it could
be you.
And that is such a big thing.
Like that is such a really serious moment in a person's life.
And like I said, I haven't had that experience,
but I can imagine it.
And I think you need to imagine it deeply if you're going to deliver a story that
feels real or that feels believable because I don't think it's enough to kind
of stay on the outskirts of what that emotion might be.
Yeah.
And look, in Croatia's defence, in his message,
he did say that time was an issue this round.
And so I think potentially, if you had more time to edit and revise,
I'm sure you would have thought of a lot of this yourself.
And potentially the next draught would have included a lot of our suggestions.
Yeah.
You know, the potential is there, and it's a matter of how do we maximise
that potential.
And this is the thing.
Like, realistically, if you want to get on the long list of
these competitions, it's not enough to write well.
And he does write well.
Yeah, it has to become an experience.
You know, it has to make us feel something.
And so that's the challenge you're facing because everybody in this competition
writes really well.
And you can't lean on that.
You have to be able to say, OK, I write really well,
but what experience am I now going to create for a reader to give them
something satisfying, to make it worth their time to read this
story, to walk away with something?
You know, I think that's a good way of thinking
about it.
It's not just a story.
Your job is to deliver an emotional payload.
Like you want to have a bomb go off in the reader's face.
They reached the end of the story and they felt something.
And however you manage to achieve that, and it can be comedic, it can be sad,
it can be any number of things, but there just has to be that effect.
Yeah.
And I think the winning stories in this round really did have that effect, right.
And unfortunately, it was quite a dark round.
Five of the six stories were quite dark this round.
And that just is what it is.
It's not that we favour dark stories.
It's just that on this particular occasion,
those were the stories that rose to the top.
But they did deliver powerful emotion.
And if you look at each one of those, including the lighter one,
they all delivered something emotionally.
And that was while also being a cohesive story at the same time.
But, you know, we say like delivering an emotional
payload is a goal to have, and I think it absolutely is.
But I also think that having a lot of subtext, that's a goal too.
And I think taking the story beyond what's on the surface and,
and thinking about the ways in which you can feed a little bit more stuff in under
the surface is also a great way to think about how a reader is going to experience
your story.
So I think that's great to be motivated by that as well.
So let's tackle the prompts very quickly.
So the word prompt boot.
And I think this was being kicked out.
So it's, yeah, one, getting booted out of his house and the
other watching his job prospects burn, which is perfectly fine.
The action prompt of kissing goodbye.
Yeah.
So Karosh said in his brief explanation about this, actually,
that he thought that it might be a little bit unclear.
He said I used it as in the metaphorical meaning of accepting the loss of
something.
It appears here in the term watching his job prospects burn.
I decided against putting the term kissing his job prospects goodbye as it
felt like a bit of a shoehorn.
And I think that's a great choice, to be honest.
I think it probably would have felt like a shoehorn.
It certainly would have been more in your face for us as judges,
and I think that's perfectly fine.
You know, in other comps you might get dinged for
that.
Yeah.
But I hope we've been quite clear that in our comp,
it's OK to take that more metaphorical approach to the prompts.
But it did help that you had that here.
Yeah.
I was going to say, like, perfectly fine response,
but this is exactly the kind of thing that we have the brief explanation for
because without that, we would have been kind of guessing,
and there could have been one or two other places that may have fit the prompt.
Yeah.
So what we want here is confirmation that you considered that.
Yeah.
And you've put it in the piece.
Yeah.
And perfect.
Yeah, exactly.
For us, it's just a matter of that You've dealt
with the prompt.
We don't really mind how you deal with that.
In fact, we welcome creative takes and things that
are a little bit less obvious and in your face as well as the the very obvious it
in your face.
But yeah, absolutely.
Thank you for using the brief explanation and then the anti prompt of break the
rule, show, don't tell.
So you don't mention that in the brief explanation, Karosh,
But I'm assuming it has to do with telling this story is all about telling
someone that they are your father.
Yeah, I mean, I guess so.
Yeah.
So thanks, Karosh for your story.
And look, I know that we have gone hard and we've
done it from a place of positivity in that we believe the story that does have
a lot of potential.
So we just want to see you succeed and looking forward to what you bring to us
in January.
Yeah, very much so.
Story out.
I'm really looking forward to January and comparing the two and,
and comparing again to to leaking compartments as well.
And just sort of seeing how you evolve your techniques and yeah,
what perhaps you deliver.
Maybe it'll be a comedy, maybe it'll be something darker.
We'll have to wait and see yes, I'll be reading out your story in January
for a daredevil, but we would love to be reading out your
story in the shortlist as well.
Absolutely.
But that brings our October round journey to an end and it also brings our 2025
journey to an end and it also brings our anti prompt journey to an end.
But I'm so excited for 2026.
Like I'm very, very excited for the first round of the
new format.
Yeah, we've got our new format.
It's the write off.
And if you don't know about that, just check out our episode entitled.
It's a write off on the podcast feed to learn all about that format.
But I'm also excited about that.
Yeah.
And if you're curious, there's you can go to the FAQ and the
rules as well.
Those have been updated too.
Yeah.
So on the website, just navigate to the footer and you'll
see the links to the FAQ and the rules and and it's all spelled out in detail
there.
The only thing that's not there is the new prompts,
which will be coming very soon.
What I'm most excited about, I think, and I say this because I had a **** year
in 2025, is that what I feel like we're leaning
into here is making this so much easier?
Yes.
Making it so much lighter and more fun.
That's 100%.
That's what this has to be.
And that doesn't mean all the stories have to be light and fun.
I love a deep story too.
But the experience of writing it, the feeling of writing it to be fun,
to just let it out, Yeah.
And not feel constrained.
And so I hope that our new prompt format feels much more rather than constrictive
and that everybody leans into it and just really gives us their best.
Yeah.
Because we know that people stress about the anti pot.
Yeah.
And sometimes stress about comps in general.
Some.
But sometimes stress can be a good thing.
Like it can be a positive thing and you get through it and you've you feel that
sense of accomplishment, but also like, **** it,
we don't need stress in our lives.
Good enough.
Some fun.
Yeah.
So that's what we're really hoping to achieve this round.
And we are very much looking forward to January.
Tickets are of course on sale for annual passes and regular tickets and critiques.
I believe the Daredevils are sold out already for January,
but the other tickets are still available for new pointy trophies to be handed out
across the year, and one of them or more could go to you
if you participate in the competition.
It's very exciting to think that there's four new winners,
just they don't even know it yet.
They haven't written it yet.
I get very excited about that.
And of course all the shortlisters as well, and longlisters.
So, so much fun stuff to look forward to.
I'm really, really excited.
And the coaching package is back again in January.
You've just completed.
Yeah, Most of them as of the time of recording.
Yeah.
For this round.
So how did that go?
It really went well.
I found it so much more beneficial than the written critiques that we were doing
previously.
Everybody's just on a completely different path, you know,
talking to people about what their personal goals are and what their own
perceptions of their own strengths and weaknesses and what they want to develop.
Like you can't communicate that you know, when you're just reading someones story.
So it did feel more human, which I enjoyed.
And I feel like I was able, I hope to provide more value to those
people because it was much more targeted to what they were actually looking for.
And it was also just bloody fun to put some faces to names.
So yeah, I think, you know, Holly, Edwina Sadowski was actually one of our
coaching clients this time and I think we pretty much just spent the whole session
just gossiping.
So I'm not sure how much value she got out of that, but I really enjoyed it.
So.
But yeah, no, I'm, I'm looking forward to meeting some new
faces following the January round.
So if you are interested in coaching, it's like 1/2 an hour online meeting
where we talk specifically about your goals, about your story.
You can ask questions we can get into.
It's a bit like a daredevil, but sort of in private.
Yeah, so and very gentle.
So I hope I meet some new faces.
I'm excited.
Yeah.
Sounds like a lot of fun.
And so there are still some spots left in January if you're getting quick.
Before we wrap up, though, just to remind everyone that the 2025
anthology is out and available in paperback and ebook forms.
So you can find that on the website.
Just click the anthology link at the top of our website and grab yourself a copy.
Everyone who's shortlisted in 2025 has their story in that book and everyone who
longlisted also has their name and title in that book as well as we've got some
author commentary and some comments from Amanda and I as well in that book.
So lots of fun flying off the shelves.
It is actually, we had our first book last year and,
and now there's been some growth.
So it's available in three shops on the Central Coast now and it's selling it all
three.
It is actually flying off the shelves.
Literally, people are picking it up and putting it
in their little bags, which is that's it.
So if you are on the coast, you can visit the book at Bookface Erin
Affair at Umina Beach, Buknook and at Love Local Central Coast,
which is at the quarters in Foresters Beach.
And even if you just go and give it a little wave,
I know that we will feel the love.
But also, of course, you can buy it online at our website or
on Amazon.
Absolutely.
And last thing to mention before we sign off is Flesh Fiction.
So that's our next priority after we close out this round is to wrap up the
judging for Flesh Fiction.
So intention is to start releasing those results in early 2026.
Yeah.
So keep your eyes peeled.
I know it's been a really long wait and the four players just been way too much I
feel on this one.
And so we feel it too, right.
And we are very, very excited to bring that to you.
So it's absolutely front of mind.
Please keep your eyes and we'll be bringing it all to you as soon as we can.
So I was just trying to think of a foreplay bringing to climax joke.
That wasn't too.
No, you just got a little, you went on a little little journey.
Yeah.
To places.
Unfortunately, I've come back empty handed, that one.
That's actually a relief.
Look, that's just the tip of the iceberg, you might say.
There's a lot more of that **** to come.
So I'm very, very excited about that as well.
But anyway, listen, we've gone on yeah, long enough.
Look, just a final, final word now is thanks everyone for
your support over the year it's been.
Despite Amanda's personal life, it has been a great 2025 for not quite
right.
And I think we're going from strength to strength and I think next year is going
to be a lot of fun, new prompt format, flesh fiction and a few other little
surprises that I'm really looking forward to.
So Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and we'll see you again very soon.
But until then, right on, right on.
We hope you enjoyed this special Daredevil episode of Not Quite Right.
If you have thoughts on this story, follow us on social media and join the
conversation.
And if you'd like to participate in the next round of the competition,
head over to ourwebsite@notquiteright.com.
That's WRITE something doesn't seem quite right.
You ****** my mum 16 years ago.
No, make it more of an accusation.
Yeah, like what do you mean?
You ****** my mum 16 years ago, You ****** my mum 16 years ago,
you ****** my mum 16 years ago, you ****** my mum 16 years ago,
you ****** my mum, you ****** my mum 16 years ago.
Because it's, he thinks he's the kid of the person,
right?
Yeah, you.
So imagine you're meaning what you think is your dad and you've been holding this
in your whole life.
I'm your dad.
I understand that.
What?
Your mum 16 years ago.
OK, go.
You ****** my mum.
16 years ago, You ****** my mum 16 years ago,
you ****** my mum 16 years ago, you ****** my mum.
16 years ago, you ****** my mum.
16 years ago you ****** my mum.