The following is a special presentation of the Not Quite Right Podcast,
in which we discuss in detail entries to our ****** flash fiction competition,
the Not Quite Right Prize for Flesh Fiction.
This episode contains adult themes and is not appropriate for listeners under the
age of 18.
And mum, if you're still listening, that's on you.
Something doesn't seem quite right.
Welcome to Not quite right.
My name's Ed, and I'm Amanda.
You ready to get dirty?
Oh, dear.
I guess I'm feeling actually extremely nervous because now comes the time when
we have to actually read, Yeah, some of these stories out loud.
And I've.
We've just been able to read them sort of in private, you know,
in the safety of our own minds.
And, yeah, like, there's some challenging content,
shall we say, some stuff that's really gonna put me out
of my comfort zone in terms of public speaking, if you will.
So.
Yeah.
What about you?
Yeah.
Similarly apprehensive.
But look, I've been looking forward to this as well.
It's it's gonna be a lot of fun.
And I know that our entrants and listeners have also been looking forward
to this.
Absolutely.
This is the point in time that we deliver, that we put ourselves out there a little
bit and do the thing.
Yeah.
Like, this is the part, I guess, where we repay.
Yes.
Like, I feel like people have really put
themselves on the line.
They've opened themselves up to critique and to judgement, I guess,
and perhaps to other things maybe in some cases.
And you know, that's a lot to ask.
And I feel sort of obligated to repay that.
Don't make it an obligation.
It's like, it's like PE sex, I guess.
I feel 'cause you're, you seem upset.
So all right, so let's get into it.
This is going to be the first of six category specific episodes for the flesh
fiction competition, our ****** short story competition.
So for each of the six categories that were in that competition,
we will be speaking to one of our guest judges and we'll be sharing our thoughts
on the submissions that we had for this category.
And we'll also be revealing the podium, the 3rd and 2nd place getters,
but not first place, but not first.
Why not?
We're saving that one for the final episode,
which will have all six winners from each of the six categories,
including the overall winner of the Not Quite Right prize for Flesh Fiction.
My God.
But the Super exciting thing that we'll be doing in these episodes,
exciting for me, is that we'll be reading out the second
place story because of course we'll be reading out the 1st place story in the
final episode.
Yeah.
And we didn't wanna just read out the top stories, right?
We wanted to give you more.
So we thought, well, let's read out second place as well.
So yeah, I am nervous about that, but I'm excited to share these stories.
I know everybody's been hanging on the edge of their seats for these results,
obviously wanting to see their own name on that podium,
perhaps sliding off the end of their seats.
Oh dear.
And I guess no matter whether you placed longlisted,
it's still gonna be a great time whether you submitted to this category or not.
We have a little reward at the end, which is a very entertaining piece of
****** flash fiction for everyone to enjoy.
By myself or Amanda.
Mm Hmm.
So a lot to look forward to.
That's 12 stories we'll be reading out.
And look, we do plan on releasing some more or
perhaps on the Patreon feed at a later date.
So there's just a case of getting these episodes out to you guys,
getting the results out.
Absolutely.
We wanna get these out as quickly as possible.
And these six episodes are not gonna be as long as the longest episode.
We appreciate that was a very long episode,
but we wanna get these out as quick as possible.
And this is, and look, it's not the size.
How do you use it?
The quality, not the quantity, Absolutely.
So all that being said, everyone in who's in the long list in
this category or in each of the categories for these episodes is still in
contention for the prize.
And you won't find out who the winner is today.
But we'll share our thoughts and you will hear the 2nd place story,
which is of course going to be a great story in each category.
So a lot to look forward to and a lot of fun yet to come.
It's like a slot machine at the moment.
It's just Ding, Ding, Ding.
So to kick off the festivities, we are going to have a chat with our
guest judge for this category, who is Joe Lyons.
Now, Joe is a friend of yours, a member of the coven.
Yeah.
So Joe is a romantic comedy author.
She signed A10 book deal with Boldwood last year, which is insane.
So she is currently just absolutely churning out pros.
So Joe's just living a life, like living in Spain and writing and also
being an amazing human at the same time.
So I don't even know how she found time to help us, to be honest.
I really appreciate it because of course, it was all volunteered.
You know, this is a free competition.
We weren't able to offer any sort of payment.
She did it completely free.
And I really appreciate that.
And if anyone knows comedy, it's Joe.
So we're very fortunate to have her help us judge this category.
But yeah, we had a lovely chat with Joe.
So why don't we play that now?
So thanks for joining us, Joe.
And Joe, you've generously helped judge the comedy
category.
So tell us a little bit about your experience with comedy and I guess also
your experience as a writer.
Oh, thanks for having me, Ed and Amanda.
And thanks for asking me to be a judge.
I jumped at the opportunity because I've read quite a lot of Amanda's work and
been involved in some of these competitions before.
It's always very uplifting and it's a great creative process to go through.
And the feedback fact that you 2 give, I find as a writer very helpful.
So my background is I came to comedy writing quite late.
It coincided with COVID when everything seemed to be falling apart,
like I lost my job, marriage wasn't great at the time,
the kids were teenagers and stuck in the house.
So in that sort of probably one of the bleakest times of my life,
I found solace in writing.
I never set out to be a comedy writer because I'm.
I wouldn't class myself as a particularly funny person.
I couldn't, you know, tell us a joke.
I think you're here.
Thank you.
But so.
Yeah.
So the type of writing that I was doing at the time or trying to do was writing
that was uplifting and that was amusing to me.
And then of course, I met Amanda because I decided that
actually everything I was writing was a big pile of garbage.
So I thought, oh, I'll do a writing course and learn how to
write.
And Amanda and I have been friends ever since.
Absolutely.
Ed's just giving me a knowing look because you said that you figured
everything was a pile of garbage and that's how you met me.
And he thinks my writing's a pile of garbage.
Is that where we're getting?
No, look, we, we've this side note, we've just been singing The Wind Beneath
My Wings for various reasons, and it just reminded me of that.
But well, I think, I think all writers start out like that
and, and I will tell you where I'm at with my
writing career, but it was just interesting during the
judging process.
It was a lovely to see writers who seemed at the beginning of their writing careers
and writers who were very clearly established and loving what they were
doing.
And that whole journey is for every writer,
I think of whatever genre and whatever type of writing you do.
So I write novels, they're typically about 80 thousand 85,
000 words long.
And while I was beginning figuring everything out, doing writing courses,
learning from scratch how to write a book, I was fortunate enough to be shortlisted
in the comedy women in print awards that we have in the UK.
And that gave me a huge boost early on in my writing career.
So those piles of garbage that I was writing no longer seemed as rubbish once
some like other people had read it and said no, no, that's quite good that.
So I, I hung on in there, went through like writers do, many,
many rejections, looking for agents and editors and
publishers until 2024.
So I was 3 1/2 years in.
I was self publishing by then, which was brilliant.
I absolutely love and will never give up and will always do.
It's a fantastic option for writers who want to get their work out there and
learn how it's done in the end about the industry.
So then in the summer of 2024, I met an editor.
I'm a publisher.
And over the next few months she looked at my work and cut a Long story short.
I ended up signing A10 book deal with them, old word to books,
and it's been brilliant.
And I'm out here in Lanzarote trying to write the 9th book that I'm contracted to
write with El Joe is just mad.
Like 10 crazy 10 books.
I haven't even managed to finish one.
Ed hasn't even managed well.
Yeah.
I mean, it's absolutely amazing.
I had to pinch myself because it just sounded wild.
But the reality is that it's a lot of pressure,
and I need to write 3 books a year to stay on track at least.
That's great.
And so.
Yeah.
So that doesn't give you much of a break between and Amanda,
you're one of my beta readers, so you know that sometimes I accidentally
use the same character name and I accidentally copied myself from the last
book and the same gags and stuff like that.
So having my writing group is essential to that 10 book deal.
Well, it's a crazy workload, but you've chosen a really good location
to get work done.
So I'm really envious of where you are at the moment.
And Amanda, I'll have you know that I've actually
started dozens of novels.
But anyway, we've got binders of novels and binders
of future novels.
Yeah, I have too.
I I think that's good.
It's good to have things just half written and sort of jump on the creative
train as and when it takes you.
And I think that's one of the, the great things about the flash fiction
and the flesh fiction.
It's a, it's a much easier win win.
You've got your your story much faster, I think.
Well, let's delve into the flesh fiction then.
You're a comedy writer.
You've got lots of experience with comedy, but do you have much experience with
****** comedy?
So my my books and and the deal with the publisher is they wanted the romantic
comedies to be a bit spicy, not like completely Mills and Boone
explicit level, but I'd say A1 chilli or a two.
OK, so judge in this competition was really
quite eye opening for me.
And in, in one way it was affirming because some
of the stories that are judged were very much a sort of demure and A1 chilli and
then others really went for it.
And I was applauding them and I thought, oh, go on, Five chilies.
And some of them were really, sort of got me hot under the cool.
Is there any that stand out in your memory?
Yeah, yeah, there was one.
And, and I'm sorry, I, I don't 'cause there was so many.
I mean, I, I just like sort of over 130 of them.
A lot of them were like sort of forbidden scenarios.
So it was like a doctor and a patient.
Mm hmm.
Where she done something very embarrassing and he was trying to
retrieve it.
And there was bizarrely as well 'cause the,
the brief was making the unsexy irresistible.
And one of your writers did them most fantastic job of making a self checkout
sexy with with some of the concepts that your listeners come up with were
absolutely mind blowing.
Some of them were just so, so good.
I mean, there was one which was absolutely
fantastic.
And it was about cosmetic surgery.
Oh yes, and lip fillers.
And that was so cleverly put together.
I'm one wondering Joe, because I think for the not quite right
community, you know, the people who were writing for us before
we launched this competition, they understand us,
they understand our sense of humour and I think we're going pretty out there on
that theme.
So when it came to the unsexy being irresistible,
they were going as unsexy as possible and then going wild with the results.
So were you shocked at all by the themes and the the approach that people took?
Oh, absolutely.
Almost every time I opened a story, I was just amazed at that,
such high quality of the writing and the concepts were so clever,
I would never have come up with them myself.
I was thinking, I really hope that this writer goes on to
develop their writing career and in whichever way they want.
You know, because you had a few entries that they
actually put in the notes that this was their second attempt, third attempt,
even fourth attempt.
And I thought brilliant because that reminded me of me back in the day.
It is about perseverance and giving it a go and trying again and again and again.
Yeah, I agree.
And look, the long list is only it was 10% of all
of our stories.
So comedy was our biggest category.
And I think it was about 130 odd stories.
And that means only 13 make the long list.
And by no means does it mean that the other, excuse me for my maths,
117 odd stories don't deserve to be there because many of them absolutely do.
So, yeah, I, I completely agree with what you're
saying.
Joe, Don't be.
Oh, yeah.
I think I had about 75 to be long listed and I had about 60 to win.
Yeah, they were really good.
And Joe, did you find anything about this judging
process that you will use or that you took with you into your own writing
practise?
Is there anything that stood out to you or I guess that you reflected on
afterwards in terms of your own writing?
Good percent.
I learned loads, Amanda.
I think it's so clever to be able to write a full story with a beginning,
a middle and an end, character arcs and all the things that
writers put into novels to do that and so few words.
Some of the entries were like 500 words and,
and they were really gripping and I was just like, it takes real skill to do this.
And then a lot of the sex scenes as well were really well written.
And that was more than one occasion.
I was reading some of the stories thinking these sex scenes are way better
than I can make in my stories.
And then and I would just, I would go over it again and just look at
how cleverly they were put together and what they were doing that I don't.
So yeah, it was a really a huge learning curve for
me in some ways.
Loved it.
Were there any deal Breakers for you in terms of writing style,
things that put you off?
And I know you are quite generous in your ratings,
but what was it that maybe put you off giving someone a long listing credit?
Yeah, there was just the, there weren't many because I persevered
with the toilet ones as well.
And the only ones are sort of red flagged and couldn't get to grips with were the
non consensual type ones that veered into territory that I personally am very
uncomfortable with.
And I mean that was against our rules.
You know, consent was a big factor.
Yeah, definitely.
And I think they're just sort of some of them just slipped in.
But like I said, the majority was so clever.
The concept, the writing and the fun that we're having
with the brief that you gave.
Yeah, I feel like the comedy category was one
where, you know, it was fun to read 'cause you could just
tell how much fun people were having just playing around with the concept as well.
But yeah, definitely.
And I think that's one of the the things that you 2 do really, really well.
Because I think entering competitions, especially if you're in like an early
right error and you just sort of starting or you've been at it a few years or
whatever, it does seem very laid back and very
uplifting and hopeful space that you offer.
Because do you remember in mind, I mean, years ago when we would enter some of our
work in competitions and then you'd be like biting your nails trying, you know,
you took a dead seriously beyond when when you didn't get anywhere.
We were crying into our pillows.
And I'd be like, oh, my God, we took it so seriously.
And you took the rejection to heart.
So I would really love for your listeners who didn't get placed,
just don't take it to heart at all because we all go through that.
Just keep writing.
Keep writing and and getting better.
And if it's for you, do a writing course.
I mean, we loved ours, didn't we, Amanda?
Yeah.
If nothing else, you'll make some friends, Right.
Well, thank you so much, Joe.
Now before we go, we have to get your the top pick because
we would like to offer the winner of your top pick their choice of one of your
books.
So which story earned your top pick in the comedy category?
I think because it's off the top of my head and and I'd finished quite a few
months ago, I finished my judging.
If I can still remember that plastic surgery one.
OK, then that obviously is a story.
That's OK.
There were so many of them that were really clever but that one the Doctor won
definitely spring to mind months and months, months after having read them.
So on that theme then I've got a book coming out in April of and that is a skit
on Love Island.
You know, that programme is a big in Australia.
My niece was on that show a couple of years ago on Love Island.
So I got all the behind the scenes gossip and that is a show very much.
The people are beautiful, aren't they?
And it's all about the lip fillers and the eyelashes and the hair extensions.
So I'm wondering if that book, which is called Coupling Up,
that might be an excellent prize for your winner.
MMM sounds good.
Otherwise, any of the girls trilogy that I have out
because I used to live in Spain, just up the road from a place called
Benidorm.
And for anyone listening in Australia that hasn't been to Spain,
Benidorm is where all the big stag and hen do's go.
It's all about the booze, really, the cocktails, the drinking.
Everyone's dressed up to the nines.
The girls just Wanna have Sun is the first of that trilogy.
So whoever wrote that story Skin Deep might enjoy those those stories, too.
I think so.
And I can vouch for those.
They're hilarious.
Yeah.
So let's announce the winner.
So the winner of Joe's top pick, Skin Deep is Crystal Vase.
So congratulations, Crystal, on your win.
Crystal Vase.
And yes, that is a pen name.
Oh well, well done, Crystal.
Fantastic effort.
Really enjoyed the story so much.
Well, thank you so much, Joe, for all your help with judging.
I know it was a big ask and you had one of the biggest categories.
In fact, probably the IT was categories.
So we did lump you with a lot of work there.
And we really appreciate your time not only in judging,
but also today in chatting with us.
So thank you very much.
Thank you and keep up the good work guys.
You're you're really smashing it.
I love to listen to the podcast.
I love the books that have come out with all of everybody's hard working.
It's brilliant.
And for those of you who think Joe's romantic comedy sounds like it's up your
alley, so to speak, we'll be putting a link in the show notes
for that.
So before we get to what everyone wants to hear,
which is our reading of our first little piece of ****** fiction,
we wanted to talk a little bit more generally about the category.
So ****** comedy, I know this is one that you were looking
forward to on some level.
This was like, to me, one of the whole reasons that we ran this
con, like just for fun.
You know, we'd been talking about Chuck Tingle and
all that inanimate object romance.
I'd written my own, you know, for writing battle and found it
incredibly fun.
And I know our not quite writers are often just as unhinged as me.
So I was really excited to see what everyone would do with the theme and with
this opportunity to just write something a little bit maybe different to what they
might otherwise be writing.
And I was not disappointed.
Like the titles alone were hilarious and we shouted some out in the long list
episode.
But we also had a huge array of inanimate objects, erotica,
and they didn't all feature in the comedy category, but many did.
So I just thought it might be a good opportunity to just quickly talk about
that.
So across all six categories, we had 28 stories that featured inanimate
objects as one of the parties to the sexual activity.
So that was amazing.
They included everything from a sex doll, mm hmm,
which you might expect to a curling iron.
MMM, a Roomba supermarket self checkout C pap
machine, a pizza, a sentient house, a volcano,
bottled water and even an Ethernet cable.
Very sexy Ethernet cable.
Look, that's something we really wanted to
encourage as well with the theme, you know?
Yeah, unsexy, irresistible.
Exactly.
Just a bit of fun.
And so some of those were hilarious.
And like I said, they didn't all feature in the comedy
category, but they were pretty much all hilarious
as well.
So really, really enjoyed those creative takes.
But just on that, I suppose, like if we're just talking about comedy
as a category and things we noticed, And I would say that the one challenge,
and if people are reflecting back on their own stories in this category,
the one challenge that probably cropped up more often was that the story kind of
really leaned on its clever concept, maybe sometimes at the expense of the
actual erotica in some cases.
So it never really got from funny to sexy.
Like I was having a great time.
Yeah, reading these stories, piercing myself, laughing.
But when it came down to judging the top stories,
I also really wanted to see something that was going to be sexy as well.
Yeah, I agree.
And I think, you know, comedy is a thing in its own right and
erotica is a thing in its own right.
So there's that's two elements now that are being balanced in the story.
I guess on a personal level, I don't know for right.
Comedy is the genre for me for that reason, I guess,
because for me it's either either it's funny or it's hot,
kind of it's really hard to do both.
I think it's probably a little bit different for you maybe.
Well, maybe.
I mean, we were talking about this on our private
chat.
You know, I was calling myself a Lola sexual, right?
Because I was really enjoying this category and it was like,
I personally think it is a huge turn on if someone is really funny,
like actually a sexy thing to be very funny.
And so I don't think those are mutually exclusive kind of feelings.
Like I mean, ROM com right is different, but it's a whole genre on its own where
those two things come together.
And the best ROM coms are both the best ROM coms are really funny,
but also really have this romantic story, characters that we love,
characters that we want to get together in the end really badly.
You know, those are the things that make a a great
ROM com.
And same goes here.
Like what what makes a great ****** fiction?
Well, one that is funny, but where that funniness feeds into what
makes it sexy, where the result is that everyone's
having a great time because it's hilarious and sexy.
And that's what the appeal is.
Something being spicy doesn't necessarily mean as well that it needs to like have a
happily ever after at the end or anything like that.
You can sort of take it down a comedic route in terms of where the story ends as
well.
And it is challenging, as you say, to do all of those things successfully.
And it was challenging.
And that's, you know, some of these stories rose to the top
because of that, because they managed to tick all those
boxes.
Yeah.
That was a common theme with a lot of the stories, actually.
Like we had to decide between how well it fit into the category versus how ******
and sexy it was because we really have to prioritise that in this comp because
that's the whole point of the comp, right?
Yeah.
Needed to have at least some major element of that and ideally a balance of
both.
So looking forward to sharing some of those stories with you.
And you mentioned comedic roots and let's share a couple of those comedic roots
with you now, right.
So in 3rd place, we've actually got two.
Third place, I think it's a tie for this category.
We just couldn't decide.
We could not decide the only category that we have two, 4,
but we just couldn't bear to choose between these.
Yeah, it was impossible because we've said this
before, but it's not comparing apples and apples.
So each story had its strengths and it's like which one came out on top,
if you will?
And we just weren't able to make that decision.
And how do you choose which is your favourite child?
Just impossible.
So we thought, hey, why not?
We will actually just.
Yeah, call it, we'll call it agonising over this for
like an hour.
And then we just thought, what?
We don't really have to decide, do we?
No, exactly.
We make up the rules.
We make up the ******* rules.
And who's gonna complain about an extra prize?
So the third place get us for this category and all the categories will win
a ****** novel by Nikki Sex.
So you can check out Nikki Sex by searching her up on Amazon.
Mm Hmm.
She's got a whole lot of of novels out, one of which is going to be 1 by each of
our third place getters, so we'll be getting in contact with these
third placeholders to get their address and post out their prize.
So an equal 3rd place.
We had Plant Daddy Dave by Zara Eloise Rowe, who's a regular contestant,
I believe in the not quite right prize.
I recognise Sarah's name.
And in terms of bringing the unhinged comedy, this was it.
Like this was a completely unhinged in this story,
a a single guy who maybe doesn't wanna be single,
takes some drugs and ends up in a intimate encounter with a houseplant.
We've all been there.
I mean, I do.
I love a bit of gardening, you know, we love a bit of gardening,
if you know what I'm saying.
How I haven't ****** a houseplant to date.
But no, this story was completely ridiculous.
So, so funny.
Pretty spicy.
It was quite spicy.
Like it didn't shy away from quite graphic descriptions of what was going on,
but also huge comedic element.
Basically, he gets discovered by his neighbours at
the end and it's all just, it all just comes unravelled at the end.
I guess what I loved about this story was its shock value #1 like,
it just went really hard into crazy territory.
And I guess you could say maybe it had that sort of,
it was all a dream element of it.
Like you, you pull it back and it's actually a guy
on drugs.
But it made it believable in that way.
Unfortunately, I don't really wanna believe that that
sort of things going on.
But yeah, absolutely.
Laugh out loud funny.
Yeah.
I think what's old for me as well is the fact that, of course,
it's laced with like the whole absurdity of the situation, right?
It's hard to be turned on by by someone having sex with a plan.
But he was turned on.
The character was turned on.
And that came through in the writing, I think emotional resonance.
Exactly.
And look, I just want to comment as well.
There were there were several stories involving plant sex, a lot of.
So that's the thing that I believe that's the thing.
Oh, hello.
OK.
We've uncovered a bit of a niche here.
So congratulations, Zara.
We'll be sending your book out to you very soon.
And the other story in equal 3rd place is Smoke Show by Nicholas Sparks,
which I'm fairly confident is a pen name.
Oh, you think so?
And that's Nicholas KNICKERLESS without one's knickers, if you were exactly.
This isn't an inanimate object romance, I guess,
but it's actually from the perspective of the inanimate object.
So it's a cigarette basically being smoked,
but the language of the cigarette being smoked you can.
It's clear that that cigarette really wants to be smoked and relishes every
minute of the experience.
I think what I really liked about this one was the clever concept.
So basically the whole premise of this story was that the human sex is just the
foreplay and the smoking of the cigarette is what they all really came here for.
And so one might argue that the whole post coital cigarette is already kind of
sexy.
But like speaking for myself, smoking is a very unsexy thing and
certainly the consequences of smoking are quite unsexy.
So I think that was a perfect use of the theme there as well, even though, I mean,
there wasn't sex happening.
It was the smoking of a cigarette.
But it was described in very, very sexual terms,
which were also very punny and hilarious while being pretty spicy, too.
Yeah.
So congratulations.
And, Nicholas, you'll be receiving your book very soon.
But now, Amanda, it's time to pop your cherry.
Oh, dear.
Are you ready?
No, no, I mean, I am excited.
It's probably a good time to reveal that this second place story actually earned
the honour of my top pick overall of all the stories.
So while it wasn't the winner in this category or overall winner,
it was the one that I loved.
You know, this one got got my heart.
I thought it was incredibly funny, incredibly clever take on the theme.
And so as my top pick, the author of this story,
in addition to their second place prizes, will be getting a book from us too.
So the talented second placeholder for this category will be winning a bottle of
wine from our friends at Naked Wines, as well as a Witch's Cauldron grinder
from Odyssey Toys.
So Odyssey Toys specialises in fantasy sex toys.
MMM.
So a witch's cauldron and grinder.
If your imagination is running wild now, you can go on the website and the flash
fiction page and look at a a picture of that.
And if you're not sure what a grinder is or what its purpose is,
I'll leave you to look that one.
We do hope our second place getter appreciates and enjoys their prizes.
So with all of that said, our second placeholder in the ******
comedy category and my personal top pick for Flesh Fiction 2025 is our friend
Tommy by S Therese.
One more minute, Liam calls from the bathroom.
He told me he needed to take care of business before things could continue.
When men have said that in the past, I assume they're taking a ****.
I suppose the current situation wasn't too far off considering the circumstances.
I met Liam on Bumble.
We'd gone back and forth about our first date for days.
I wanted cocktails in a dimly lit bar, but Liam,
apparently much more sensible than me, wanted to meet at a cafe.
Dating during the day made me nervous.
One night stands and city pubs felt safe, despite being the definition of risky for
a woman.
I'd struggled to let anyone in since my last boyfriend,
and while I'd moved on and had more sweaty nights with strangers than I'd
care to admit, the idea of going on a date sober made my
stomach churn.
But I was nearly 36 and 1 cat purchase away from spinsterhood,
so I agreed to meet Liam at the cafe.
I was pleasantly gobsmacked when he walked up to me.
He was dressed in dark jeans and a crisp white tea that made his olive skin pop.
Avery.
Liam said, flashing a smile of perfect white teeth.
Yep.
I shrugged, painfully awkward and trying to ignore
the sweat beading on my lip.
It's me.
He gave me a quick hug and engaged in the usual small talk before ordering some
drinks.
Too Mucha lattes to go.
This tastes like grass.
Liam said after we left the cafe, strolling along Smith St.
Wait, you don't like matcha?
Liam grinned coyly.
I panicked and copied you.
Don't judge me.
He shot me a faux embarrassed look that made my heart bump.
He was cute.
I nudged him playfully.
It's good for your gut, just hold your nose and down it.
Liam chuckled.
Trust me, it won't be good for my gut.
He told me about his Crohn's after that and Tommy.
I was diagnosed young so my gastro told me to give the ostomy a name to make it
less scary.
Tommy felt like a natural choice.
He looked at the ground while explaining that he usually waits until the 2nd date
to talk about it, but wanted to do things differently this
time.
Be more open, more honest.
And I quietly pondered, wondering if I should say what I wanted
to say before thinking **** it.
If he wanted open and honest, then here it was.
So does that mean you don't have to **** like, ever?
Because I've **** myself maybe twice this year.
Honestly, your situation sounds like a superpower.
Liam burst out laughing.
What the ****?
I don't have anything fancy like Crohn's, just plain old IBS,
but like really ****** IBS.
Like picture sixes or sevens on the Bristol stool chart on a good day.
Actually, don't picture that.
I giggled nervously.
I'd always had to hide my irritable bowel from men I dated.
This was freeing.
Liam's eyebrows knitted together as he stared at me.
I took another sip of March and stared back, hoping I was still giving.
Cute and mysterious despite describing the exact consistency of my bowel
movements.
He set down the marcher and grabbed my hands.
His fingers were wet from the condensation,
but otherwise soft and warm to touch.
Avery.
I can't explain it, but that's got to be one of the sexiest
things I've ever heard.
You might think that things just exploded after that, that he kissed me,
revelling in the gurgling sounds of my bowels while I stroked his thigh with one
hand and ostomy with the other.
But that didn't happen.
He was too much of A gentleman and just smiled, saying he'd like to see me again.
So we went on more dates, movies, brunch, bowling.
So many dates and not a single kiss.
But sexual tension hung heavily, threatening to smother us,
and my crush on Liam grew bigger each and every day.
Three weeks passed by before he finally suggested dinner and drinks.
Night time dimly lit date, my favourite.
I'd spent extra care getting ready that evening,
living on a slinky dress that hugged my body and made my **** look fantastic.
When the light hit just right, you could make out the shape of my
******* through the sheer fabric.
I hoped Liam would notice.
He arrived at the bar a few minutes after me.
I was already sitting in a booth with two Negronis in hand.
He slid in beside me, eyes lingering on my chest before looking
at the drinks.
Avery, alcohol can make things complicated for
me.
Oh **** I'm sorry.
I said, embarrassed for assuming he drank.
Does it make you unwell?
No, it doesn't make me unwell, it just makes Tommy feel faster.
I blinked, still not really understanding.
Does that matter?
Yes and no.
The bag being empty is.
He cleared his throat nervously.
Sometimes desirable or certain activities.
Realisation hit me.
Activities.
He was thinking about activities.
I closed the space between US and pressed against him.
My ******* grazed his bicep as I pulled his face towards me and kissed him.
I feel his breath catch as our lips meet.
His scent washes over me, strawberries, peppermint, and a hint of antiseptic.
Liam's hands move from my back to my hair before finally slipping underneath my
dress.
I push my hips towards him, feeling his fingers brush against my soft
lace underwear and whisper in his ear.
Let's get out of here.
Liam leads me towards the bedroom as soon as we arrive at his apartment,
lust heavy in his eyes.
My heart thuds in my ears as I follow.
He sits me down on the bed and tells me to make myself comfortable,
then disappears into the bathroom.
Minutes later, Liam returns, naked except for a pair of briefs.
He shuffles out tentatively, still half cast in darkness.
I hope this is OK, He whispers.
I think.
Well, obviously before realising that he's not
talking about being half naked, he's talking about Tommy.
It's hard to make out, but it looks like he's rolled the bag up
and secured it with a bulldog clip.
It's so he won't, you know, flap around.
He shifts from foot to foot in the doorway.
I stand up and cross the room, then kneel down so I'm level with Liam's
crotch and Tommy.
It twitches slightly as I watch, as though aware of my gaze.
Can I touch it?
I ask.
Liam laughs.
You're strange Avery, yes, you can touch him.
I gently stroke the olive skin around Tommy and watch as it twitches again.
Are you making a move?
Liam chuckles.
No, Tommy does his own thing, usually he just embarrasses me,
but I think he likes you Tommy.
I repeat, giggling.
It really is the perfect name.
I stand up and pull off my dress, tossing it aside.
Liam watches, his cheeks are flushed and his bulge
aggressively presses against his briefs.
He leads me back to the bed and gently lowers me down.
His hands hover on my hips, tugging at the edge of my underwear.
Is this OK?
He asks.
Yes.
I say, exhaling into his neck.
Soon now underwear is off, tossed onto the floor by my dress between
kissing my stomach, hips and thighs.
I hear Liam rummaging in the night stand and then the telltale RIP of oil.
And this is OK?
He says, pressing against me.
I grin.
Absolutely.
Liam pushes into me, filling me in all the right places.
He's big, but we fit together perfectly.
He kisses my neck and I moan as we move together.
My body hums with electricity everywhere he touches.
I knock my fingers in his hair and pull him closer, deeper.
I vaguely notice a metallic click followed by a tap against my stomach.
I look down and realise it's Tommy.
The clip has fallen off.
He's untethered and going off.
The way he's rubbing against my hips wants to join the fun.
****.
Liam says, reaching downward.
Don't.
I groan into his ear.
I like it.
Liam crushes his mouth against mine and thrusts harder.
We move together in perfect synchronicity, me, Liam and Tommy.
I draw back and Liam pushes forward, filling all the space and Tommy tap, tap,
taps.
We're the perfect team.
We reach a crescendo at the same time I explode as Liam spills into the condom.
He groans into the crook of my neck with pleasure, following suit.
Tommy lets out a soft wet gurgle, making the bag feel warm and full between
our bodies.
Liam doesn't apologise this time.
He just laughs, mouth still pressed against my neck.
We all came together.
I say, smiling at the ceiling.
I pull him closer and start mentally planning for our next date,
already excited for the next three way with me, Liam and his friend Tommy.
So congratulations S Therese for your story and a huge well done to Amanda for
getting through that one.
I did struggle.
It's challenging to try and put on a sexy voice when you have an Australian accent.
I know it works for the Hemsworths.
But anyway, I hope I did that some level of justice.
It was definitely very, very fun to read.
Absolutely leapt off the page for me.
Most of our listeners probably know that my husband is paraplegic,
so I guess we are in that disability community.
So to see such fun representation of something that I guess is generally seen
as unsexy and problematic, to find a fun way of bringing that into
the sex scene I think was a highlight for me.
And it's what made it stand out for those who are in the community, I guess.
Like it is just a part of life and it's possibly difficult to understand for
someone on the outside, but you definitely have to have a sense
of humour if you want to live this life.
And I think this story was such a good representation of that and, and I really,
really appreciated it for that reason.
Yeah.
And what I liked about this story as well, I mean,
this is the ****** comedy category.
And so it definitely had the comedic elements.
It's a lot of ******** taking place and a lot of, you know,
IBS and awkward situations, which is very comedic.
But really, it has that heart, right?
It has that romantic heart.
And I guess like the yearning from the the female lead and the acceptance from,
I guess both parties to each other.
It was very, very romantic and lots of fun as well.
Yeah.
And just I guess back to the disability representation thing,
because I think when you are in that world,
like the characters you see are like overcoming their disability and they're
like, heroic.
It's like, oh, even though your life is so difficult,
you manage to, like, still be happy or whatever it might be.
But for me, this is real.
This is real.
And being able to show a couple who can have fun with it and have a laugh,
but still find each other incredibly sexy.
And in this case, really pushing the envelope there to make
it a threesome with this ostomy.
And not just I love you in spite of it or whatever, but like,
this is the sexy thing now.
I love this about you.
Like that was such a great take on the theme and really well done.
Like in a way that felt believable.
I felt the character's emotion through that and that's what made it stand out.
It's also just really well written, fun dialogue, really bouncy,
and it stays funny throughout.
It's not just like one gap bag and we're done.
It's like the whole thing is just, you know,
we were talking earlier about ROM coms and how like pairing Eroticism and comedy
should be something that we can do.
And I think that this story did that successfully.
So well done, estuaries, well done.
And enjoy your forthcoming bottle of wine and Witch's Cauldron Grinder whipping up
in interesting brew with those items.
So that was our second place.
And as we mentioned, we will be reserving our winner for the
category for the final episode.
But if you are on the long list and you're in this category,
you still have a chance to win the category and the whole comp.
So stick around for that and also stick around for some more great stories.
One other thing worth mentioning is that these three stories that we've mentioned
in equal 3rd, 2nd place today, as well as the winning story for this
category, we'll be approaching all those authors
with a request to appear in our flesh fiction collection that we'll be
publishing.
So if we mentioned your story, we'll be contacting you about that soon.
And I think we mentioned this in the long last episode,
but we'll include stories that didn't even make the longest because there was
some that we really wanted to feature, which, you know, we mentioned earlier,
there were stories that were funny but maybe weren't a sexy or whatever,
like to put the excellent stories that we'll be approaching those authors as
well.
So stick around and we'll be back very soon with the next category.
Until then, right on, right on.
Thank you for listening to Not Quite Right.
If you'd like to reach us via email or follow us on social media,
you can find all the links on our website notquiterightpodcast.com.
That's WRITE.
And if you enjoyed the show, we'd love it if you could leave us a five
star review on your favourite podcasting app.
Something doesn't seem quite right.
Hopefully that doesn't come through.
If you're hearing a buzzing right now, it may be coming from your own room.
Sorry if you're hearing that buzzing, That's just the prize box going off.
Someone forgot to turn it off before they put it back in the packet.
If you get any prizes and they've been opened, sorry not sorry.
It's getting a good wash before you.
What's a good idea?
No, I I haven't made love with any of the
prizes.
Just to Jesus Christ.
We don't have an object romance.