Not Quite Right features discussions that are unfiltered and uncensored,
and may include themes that are inappropriate for younger listeners.
Also, I swear a lot something doesn't seem
quite right.
Welcome to Not quite right.
My name's Ed and I'm Amanda, and welcome to the 4th Daredevil for the
January 2026 Not Quite Right prize.
Daredevils are people who've signed up for the privilege of having their story
torn apart.
In the podcast, we will read the story, talk about the story, break it down,
share our thoughts, and hopefully all learn something in the
process.
This author shared some comments in his general feedback when he entered the
story and he said, I stumbled on your podcast a few months
ago as an author just starting out.
I love what you're doing.
You guys do great critiques, you're funny and your advice is good.
Kee U the excellent work.
And to that I say nice try, Kenny.
That's not gonna work, I'm afraid.
But I appreciate the sentiment.
Thank you.
So yes, I've already perhaps revealed, but the author today who is subjecting
himself to our wrath is Kenny Penn.
So first timer.
Yeah.
So first time Daredevil and first time entrant as well, which is great.
Just raw dogging and on a daredevil first time all the way.
Balls deep as that.
Oh, dear.
Mine.
Was this flesh fiction?
A bit lost, But this is what you signed up for.
Let's get ready.
That's right.
And Kenny, you've written for the losing team.
Team Amanda.
All right.
Just need to remind everyone, I know you're really enjoying it.
So, Amanda, what were the prompts?
So our word prompt on Team Amanda, this round was draw,
Our action was chasing.
And the kicker was to prominently feature a law of some kind in your story.
And you have the honour and privilege of reading this story.
I do, so this is thanks be given by Kenny Penn.
Harper shouldered through the Hyde Park crowd,
feigning disinterest as she glanced backward.
The bloke in the brown coat was still following a silver badge featuring a bird
with outstretched wings pinned high on his chest, lungs constricted.
Goddess help me.
Ahead, a young girl stood fiddling beside an
alley.
Harper broke for it, leaping over the instruments case like a
long jumper and sprinting across the asphalt.
Hey, the detective shouted.
Stop.
Right, Harper thought, dodging a rubbish bin and sentenced Mum
to slow starvation.
She saw another alley on the ride and cut toward it as the bloke's footsteps
pounded the ground in her wake, running full pelt.
Too late, she realised she'd run into a blind alley
in World.
Heart pounding, the detective's bulky frame blocked the
way back.
Hello, love.
He leered, slowing to a leisurely walk.
Harper's frantic gaze swept the shadowed brick buildings on either side.
All the shop exits were shut, and the units opposite them held only
small windows, the curtains drawn.
Taking a deep breath, she met the ******** cold dark eyes.
Leave me alone, you bent ******.
His grin deepened.
Can't do that love, you know that.
He opened his coat, revealing the pistol at his side.
Never killed a self proclaimed witch before.
How much is the Reed network paying you to off me?
He shrugged.
Enough.
You can't think you'll get away with shooting me here, Harper said,
hands raised and backing away.
Not with the festival only 30 metres away.
They'll hear it.
But between the street musicians songs and the roar of the Hide and Seek
festival, she had serious doubts about that.
Don't matter, the detective sneered.
He padded something bulging in his left coat pocket.
I attempted to arrest you and you pulled a gun.
I had no choice.
Arrest me?
Harper asked, incredulous.
The back of her shoulders thumped against the alleys wall.
For what?
Section 40 of the SA Summary Offences Act pretending to have powers to defraud
another, punishable by up to two years
imprisonment.
You can't prove that Mister Reed will testify that you offered to plague his
dear sister with nightmares about her fiance.
He paid you handsomely for this service, and yet she's still married.
He came to me.
Papa knew she shouldn't have taken the job, but Taro and palm ratings had slowed.
She and Mum needed food and a place to live.
I didn't promise she would listen.
Smirking, the detective unholstered his pistol.
Tell it to the devil, *****.
Harper shrieked and clenched her trembling hands into fists.
Suddenly, the detective shadow twisted like a snake
and leaped from the ground, coiling around his throat.
His eyes bulged, his mouth opening wide as he dropped the
gun, choking and clawing at his neck.
It was over in seconds.
Once the ******* fell, Harper stepped carefully around him,
turned up the alley and tipped the fiddler before melting back into the
crowd.
Thanks be given.
Thank you Kenny for your story and Kenny has left us a voicemail which we will
play for you now.
Hi Ed, Amanda, my name is Kenneth Penn and I am from the
United States in North Carolina.
I'm really excited to hear you guys tear my short story up.
I had a hard time deciding which prompt to go with,
but ultimately went with Amanda's because I love learning and doing a bit of
research and I thought it would be cool to find some obscure law in Australia and
write a story around it.
We frequently hear the phrase write what you know and that's always sat wrong with
me because what is fiction if not writing about an experience that isn't yours?
From my story, I decided to write from the perspective
of an Australian woman as I am neither Australian or woman.
I'd love for one of the things you guys discuss to be how authentically
Australian the story sounded.
What did I miss and where did I go overboard?
Thanks for doing this.
I love your show and I promise not to cry overly much when you're through.
Anyways, have a great day.
So thank you, Kenny.
And you certainly don't know Australian women if you think Amanda's going to go
easy on you here.
Some Australian women are nice.
There's none in this room.
None in this room.
Well, you're the only Australian woman here.
So why don't you respond to Kenny's question about authenticity?
Sure.
I mean, this character, I mean, she's a witch.
So let's just set that aside.
Although you know, my writers group is called The Coven,
so I do feel I can speak on that basis as well.
I will say she didn't feel particularly Australian,
but she didn't not feel Australian either.
She just felt like a young woman.
There were some phrases in here that were not particularly Australian and,
and probably the main one that comes to mind is the idea of fiddling or a fiddler.
That's not a term we use to describe a musician.
Usually we use it to describe something else.
So that's potentially a little bit distracting.
We would say someone playing the violin and of course a fiddle and a violin are
different instruments.
And so I get that there is such a thing as a fiddler,
but you would probably get a different reaction saying that here in Australia
where our brains immediately go to the gutter, the movie Fiddler on the Road,
it's a different connotation.
But you know, I don't want to belabour that point,
but it it did strike me as probably not something that felt particularly
authentic in an Australian context.
And the other thing I will mention, because you did mention a specific S
Australian law, which I did look up, there is a Hyde Park in Australia.
The the most famous Hyde Park is in Sydney and it's a big park where you
might have something called a hide and seek festival In SA,
I believe there's a suburb called Hyde Park, but it's not a park,
it's a suburb kind of thing.
So there's that.
But look, you don't sort of specify that it's
Australian, even the law, you've just said SA, not S Australian.
So it's not really an issue as such.
I mean, I think there's some little niggles there.
And I think in that situation what you would need is a beta reader who is an
Australian woman to tell you that information because that's not really the
kind of thing you can research.
Authenticity is hard to like research.
You need someone to tell you where you've gone astray.
Having said that, I don't think there's anything
particularly problematic in here.
Yeah, I mean, I've got a few comments as well.
Not from a woman, from an Australian.
I guess the location setting in Hyde Park, I would have assumed Sydney,
but also some ambiguity because there's also a Hyde Park in London.
So at first I'm like, am I in London or am I in Sydney?
I wasn't sure.
So that kind of had to come together in the context.
And in fact, it wasn't until I really read the brief
explanation that was clear that it was Australia and not England.
You know, essay could be somewhere in the UK,
who knows?
Or it could stand for something else entirely.
Exactly.
Yeah.
So I think well done on the details such such as mum spelled MUM and rubbish bin.
I know Americans like to say trash can and so on.
So there are a few things there that I think that you did well that to localise.
Actually.
I also want to call out the silver badge featuring a bird with outstretched wings,
which is in fact the police badge in SA.
So clearly you did your research on these things.
I will say, though, that the concept of alleys, for me,
it's not really an Australian thing.
Like there's alleys, but they're not, it's not like New York where there are
lots and lots of alleys.
Alleys in even in our cities are kind of few and far between.
Like they exist, but you don't get lost in them.
Like you don't run through them and get lost in them.
Very few alleys that would fit that description.
Yeah.
I mean, it's possible.
But yeah, even the term alley is not necessarily
one that we would use.
So it's funny, isn't it, these little details and how they impact
your voice.
But, you know, I didn't really read this as an
Australian specific story because it's not mentioned,
so it didn't stand in the way of the flow of the story.
And certainly as a reader, as an Australian woman who reads and
absorbs a lot of American culture and fiction,
the idea of running down alleys is fine.
I understand what that is.
You know, it's not something foreign to me.
I mean, technically it is, but it's not so foreign that I can't
understand it.
All that being said, let's go, let's take a step backwards to the title.
And the title is Thanks Be Given, which is a phrase that appears only once,
I believe, and that's in the final line.
So I guess when we talk about titles recalling the story and also reflecting
the themes of the story, you know, it doesn't have to do that all the time.
And we always give this caveat.
But it does help if your title is memorable and unique and points at the
central thing in your story that will help us remember it.
And in this case, I think Thanks Be Given is not a
particularly strong theme or thematic idea in this story.
It happens to be the last line, but for me,
doesn't necessarily recall the story, but it's fine as a title.
I mean, I think potentially just spitballing top
of my head kind of thing, that idea of hide and seek,
so hide Hyde to match Hyde Park could have been something you could have played
with as an alternative that might have felt a little bit more unique to this
story.
Definitely could have fiddled with that a bit.
Oh dear.
But let's get into the story proper.
So let's talk about those opening lines, OK?
Harper shouldered through the Hyde Park crowd,
feigning disinterest as she glanced backward.
The bloke in the brown coat was still following a silver badge featuring a bird
with outstretched wings pinned high on his chest.
So I like this idea of the badge, you know,
implying that he's a police officer.
And of course, we learned very quickly that he's a
detective.
To be honest, I'm not sure that the badge would
necessarily be the thing that she's noticing.
I'm not even sure if our police wear badges in a prominent way like that.
Like, they're more likely to probably have iron
on patches and things like that than an actual metal badge.
Yeah.
But aside from that, she's far away.
Yeah.
Looking back, feigning disinterest, is she really homing in on that badge or
is she thinking about something else?
And I, I do think it's important that he's a
police officer.
But is she focused on the bird with its outstretched wings?
You know, that's going that step further to imply
that she's really looking at the bird on the badge.
So that's something that I would challenge.
But I do like that this opening starts in a place of action.
You know, we're already moving through the streets
and we do get that kind of idea of a bustling crowd, which I like.
I think you could play into that more like some smells and sounds of what's
going on in this festival.
And I think that could be really fun to really drop the reader into exactly when
we are because it's it's not necessarily clear what time period we're looking at
here and where we are in the world and sort of what's going on around us.
And I don't think it would take any more than a sentence to really give us quite
an evocative sensory experience of this festival.
Like, it's quite a compelling scene.
You know, I'd love to get a bit more of a sense of
this hide and seek festival.
Like, it sounds pretty cool.
Yeah.
Look, just going back to the the description of
the bloke in the brown coat, I didn't on first reading,
I didn't pick that up as police officer.
So bloke in a brown coat, silver badge, because you don't really know what kind
of story this is going to be.
Like could be anything really, could be a secret society or something
like we, we don't know.
So I would have just explained that he's a detective, a detective straight up.
I mean, I think this is an attempt at showing,
right?
We're looking at the badge, we're looking at the code and we're kind
of implying this guy's following her and we're getting a sense that something's
not right.
We're definitely getting that sense.
But the badge kind of kind of implies some sort of authority.
So I like that there's an attempt here at showing,
but I'm not sure that we're focused on the right elements of showing here.
So we can know he's a detective, but give us something else that's not
right about him.
Like what makes him look like he's shady?
Why is she running away from him?
Something to consider, because I do think showing is something
to strive for.
I just think it's about, well, what are we showing and what's our
objective here?
I do like the the next line where she says Goddess helped me as a moment of
showing, I guess in a way it's not called out that
she's a witch and it's not until later, but that kind of gives you a little bit
of a hint.
Yeah, I would have liked the hint about the
witch stuff to be a little bit stronger.
I agree.
I think that moment is good.
I think we just needed a little bit more of that because it's not until halfway
through the story when the detective says never killed a self proclaimed witch
before that we get any sense of that being the conflict.
And I think setting that up right from the outset probably would have allowed us
to follow that a little bit more.
Because when that is mentioned, it feels like a bit of a jackknife in
tone.
We've got quite a contemporary seeming scene with normal characters doing normal
things and then all of a sudden we're mentioning that she's a potentially a
witch halfway through the story.
And I think that's shocking in a way that is maybe a bit distracting.
We want to take the reader along a little bit more with.
Yeah, no, that's true.
And especially because this is from her perspective that you do have the
opportunity to weave some more of those elements through the story.
Yeah.
And Goddess help me is is great as a first one.
And then just even maybe one more.
But that's really clear.
And it could be an action beat.
Like, what is she doing?
What is she saying to reveal that about herself?
So there's a line that comes up in a moment.
So Wright Harper thought dodging the rubbish bin and sentenced mum to slow
starvation.
I'm not sure what that means.
There's a little bit of back story there, like who is her mother?
Like, why would this sentence her to slow
starvation?
And we can kind of guess at that.
But seeing as you're raising it here, it's a point of confusion,
especially at this point in the story where we don't really know anything about
Harper.
She's being chased by a detective.
We assume that she's guilty or she's done something right.
And so how does mum go into the picture?
And that's not really explained unless I've missed it.
No, and I don't.
Mum doesn't really come back again.
So what that does is that I really like it sets up the stakes and the motivations
for her.
Why is she on the run?
Why has she potentially done something questionable?
And it's got to do with looking after her mum by the sounds of things.
And that's a really powerful motivator.
And the stakes are pretty high if you think your mum's going to starve if you
were to go to gaol, for example, or be killed by this dodgy detective.
So I think that stuff's all great and it sets up her motivation.
But we don't ever really pay that off in later in the story.
We don't further develop that.
And so the stakes don't ever really feel resolved in that way.
She just kind of runs away and the detective catches up with her and then
they have their standoff and then it's all over.
We don't see Mum, we don't see how that plays out for her.
So I think potentially, if you're going to keep those as the
stakes, then we need to see how that impacts mum
later on.
Otherwise, you can maybe rework the stakes to be
something more immediate for Harper in that moment that she might starve or that
she might.
Well, the real stakes here, that she might be killed.
Yeah.
And just a general comment as well on these opening paragraphs.
And I guess we're talking about the first half of the story before the truth comes
to light, before the dialogue happens and we start
to get a few more details.
We're in a chase scene, right, where there's one person being by another.
And I feel like to be invested in a chase scene,
you need to know who those people are and why and whose side are you on.
And as a reader, I'm not sure whose side I'm on really in
this case.
I mean, probably leaning towards the protagonist
here because they're the protagonist, but I don't really know who's in the
right and who's in the wrong and or what she's been accused of doing.
Exactly.
Yeah, it's great to drop us into the action,
but it's hard to connect emotionally to action unless you're invested in the
characters.
So I think it's important to get us invested in the characters early on.
And maybe that's just a beat in the opening line where Harper is shouldering
through the crowd and we get a little bit more of her and who she is and why she's
there and and what she suspects of this detective that's following her so that we
can say, OK, well, we're on your side, Let's see what happens.
Yeah, I do think always there's an opportunity
in the story to set the stakes really early,
what the character wants and what will happen if they don't get it.
I think that needs to pretty much come right after the setup.
So I would say typically in the very opening paragraph or two,
you would be setting up The Who, crucially, the main character.
You'd be setting up the where.
What are we looking at here?
And you'd be setting up often the when is this a contemporary story?
Is it set in the future of the past?
Like we will probably assume it's contemporary unless we're given
information otherwise.
So those things should be set up in the first couple of paragraphs and then very
shortly thereafter.
In a story like this of this length, it's the stakes,
it's what does this character want and what will happen if they don't get it.
And I do think that's missing in this scene.
We sort of tangentially mention Mum a little bit,
but we don't really develop that idea.
So I wonder if Kenny did have an Australian beta reader,
because there are some other little phrases in here that feel Australian,
like running full pelt.
I think that I feel like that's an Australianism.
I don't think I've heard an American say that.
Also, hello, love.
Like that wouldn't be an American thing like this.
So there's a few things in here that are that feel Australian.
I don't know if you'd say authentically Australian, but definitely Australian.
Yeah, for sure.
And this line, Leave me alone you bent ******.
What you might really say is leave me alone.
Stone the flame and crows house.
Crikey, get off the ******* grass, you mongrel trongo.
I could say a lot of things.
No, that's totally fun, that one.
What I really love most about this story is that it's like a real fun action
adventure story.
You know it starts in medius race like we're we're running already and it's
moving through the action quickly and it's conflict from the outset and all of
that.
Like I think that's nice.
It keeps up that pace and I do like as well there's this fantasy element woven
in.
But you know, we often critique fantasy and say that
it's hard to do in flash fiction, but I think it worked here.
Like it's it's enough because we've got that contemporary setting.
We don't need to do all this world building.
All we're doing is sort of talking about her and her powers.
And I think that that's enough for a piece of flash fiction.
So I think Kenny handled that well.
But if we're talking fast paced action and stuff,
I just want to talk about maybe an opportunity here.
So one opportunity is around stage direction.
And this is something we mentioned in one of our previous Daredevils this round.
It was Corrosion's story, just around the action beats of the
character and what we're choosing to show now in an action adventure story.
Like, there's a lot happening in a 500 work
piece of fiction.
Telling us where someone is looking, telling us that they're taking a deep
breath, to me is not particularly compelling.
It's fine.
Like, it does give us information that she's
stressed and that, you know, gives us an idea of where she's looking.
But it also just feels kind of inconsequential.
And I think in an action story, we've got this kind of sassy protagonist.
What else could she be doing that Sassia that's sort of more problematic,
That's kind of, you know, trying to fight him off,
not just glancing around and looking for exits,
but what is she actually doing to escape?
Does she climb a fence and he'd grab her?
Like, what?
What is she doing?
So I do think, but that's an opportunity.
Just looking at some of these action beats and saying, is this doing enough,
you know, to really make it feel exciting?
Yeah.
She could be casting spells or.
Yeah, or building up to that.
You know, we've already said that we would like
more of that.
Which aspect?
So how is she revealing at that about herself throughout this story,
through her actions, words, thoughts, I think could really elevate that action
for us and make it feel more personal to her and make it feel more exciting as
well as part of the plot and not just as an aside.
All right.
So he catches her in the alley and there's an exchange about the read
network.
We get a little bit of back story there about the fact that he is a crooked cop.
His pretext is Section 40 of the essay Summaries Offences Act.
And you did research this one.
Yeah, I looked it up.
So I'll read out this section.
Getting on ostly like in the good old days, looking at looking up my laws.
Love it.
Section 40 of the Summary Offences Act 1953 of SA,
which is titled Acting as a spiritualist, medium, et cetera.
With intent to defraud says a person who, with intent to defraud,
purports to act as a spiritualist or medium,
or to exercise powers of telepathy or clairvoyance or other similar powers,
is guilty of an offence.
The maximum penalty is $10, 000 or imprisonment for two years.
So pretty full on.
So just an aspect of fraud, I suppose.
Just being very clear that we're not cool with fake spiritualists defrauding people.
Yeah, then it's fine.
So, great source of inspiration for this
story.
Very compelling and did make for a fun character in a fun scene.
Just a challenge, I would say around that is maybe to wear
that research a little more lightly.
So, you know, when the detective's talking and she's
like, arrest me for what?
And he starts sort of repeating the language of the ACT.
I mean, that's something that a legitimate cop
would do is, is sort of read you your rights and and
tell you what you're being arrested for.
What would a crooked cop do?
I don't think he gives a **** about the summary offences act.
Well, he goes on to say like, he's essentially going to frame her and
shoot her anyway.
So he doesn't need that pretext at all.
When it comes down to it, that's it.
So I love that that's where the story originated and that that was the
inspiration for the story.
But I'm not sure that that overt phrasing served the story in this occasion.
And we don't need that from a judging perspective.
Like, we're happy for that brief explanation
afterwards to tell us what the law was that she was breaking and how you found
that inspiration.
But yeah, in terms of storytelling, I'm not sure it flowed as like a natural
thing for him to say.
So that can be distracting.
So after the little exchange around, I guess explaining why she's a target,
that she's slighted, Mr Reed, we get to, I guess, the climax of the story.
That's where the detective pulls out his pistol and is about to shoot her.
And the witchiness comes alive in that moment.
Yeah.
And it's a really cool scene, this idea of the shadow twisting like a
snake and kind of strangling him.
Now that's your Australian **** right?
Yeah.
Even the shadows of snakes over here, it's kind of cool.
Well, no, but seriously, I loved that.
I thought that was a really cool moment.
And that's the payoff for this kind of fantasy story, right?
The cool stuff that can happen that can't happen in real life is what we come here
for.
And I thought that was very visual.
I could see it.
And in fact, my only critique of that is more like
more of that, because that was really cool.
A little bit maybe a foreshadowing for that.
And then to build to that as more of a big climactic moment,
it maybe felt a little bit too easy.
It's like he pinned her and then suddenly he's getting choked.
Like, what was it that kind of caused that to
happen?
What was the catalyst for this moment to occur?
We don't even see her cast a spell or call on the goddess again,
if that's in fact what she's doing.
It just starts happening in front of her.
And you know, that's possible.
It's a moment for her where she didn't realise she had real power.
But we we don't really explore that.
So I think it needs to be coming from her.
Yeah.
So look, I think it was a really fun concept and a
really active chase scene.
I think it's all all about making the most of the scene that you've got,
because I think it is a it is a great one.
I do think that we need that catalyst.
We need something to really trigger that climax of the story and to bring in some
irony maybe into that ending.
Like, what does it all mean when she when she
wins the day?
You know, we sort of don't get a sense of that.
But I love that we've got this fantasy aspect,
but it's grounded in like a scene that we can picture.
I think my favourite part is that scene with the snake.
I think that's really, really cool.
So good fun and a great place to take this inspiration you had of this obscure
lore.
So let's before we wrap up, let's jump into the prompts.
Yeah.
So the word prompt here was the word draw, and we had the curtains drawn in the
windows of of the apartments in the alley, and that one slipped into the background.
Pretty.
Yeah, absolutely.
And, you know, I don't know how many curtains we had
that were drawn, but it wouldn't have been many.
So that was a nice little different use there.
The action of chasing was, of course, incredibly prominent throughout the story.
So that's a big tick on that one and clearly a big inspiration for the story.
And finally, of course, the law was very prominent.
We had this obscure law that really fed into the whole theme of the story.
And it is a fun story.
Like, you can make a novel out of this, I feel.
Yeah, definitely.
And I hope you do.
But yeah, thank you so much, Kenny.
I really enjoyed that story.
I hope you aren't crying overly much, as you say, and that you have, in fact,
kept your promise not to do so.
It is, of course, all said, with love.
Absolutely.
And Kenny, you do have it in your part.
So we'll be seeing more of your work next round, which we're looking forward two.
Absolutely.
But before we go, I also just wanna say a big thank you on
behalf of our listeners to Kenny for putting yourself out there like you've
come in guns blazing on your very first try.
You have been very brave.
I know it's not easy.
All of the Daredevils this round, I feel we've been quite openly critical.
Hostile.
Yeah.
Hostile.
Openly hostile.
And so, you know, it's tough.
It's bloody tough.
And you've done that not just for yourself,
but for everybody else listening.
So huge Congrats to you for that.
And I hope that, you know, the first listen's probably the hardest.
I hope that you can come back, listen again,
and maybe enjoy thinking about your story from a fresh perspective.
Take the things that you agree with and then leave the things that you don't,
which is what we hope everybody does with the feedback they receive on their art.
But that wraps it up for this episode and we'll be back in a week's time with our
fifth and final Daredevil for the round.
And until then, right on, right on.
We hope you enjoyed this special Daredevil episode of Not Quite Right.
If you have thoughts on this story, follow us on social media and join the
conversation.
And if you'd like to participate in the next round of the competition,
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That's WRITE Something doesn't seem quite right.
Ahead, a young girl stood fiddling beside an
alley.
I knew I wasn't going to.
I wouldn't know and I knew it.