Not Quite Right features discussions that are unfiltered and uncensored,
and may include themes that are inappropriate for younger listeners.
Also, I swear a lot.
Something doesn't seem quite right.
Welcome to Not Quite Right.
My name's Ed and I'm Amanda.
And welcome to the 5th and final Daredevil for the January 2026 Not Quite
Right Prize for Flash Fiction.
Now, Daredevils, our people have signed up for the honour
and privilege of having their story absolutely annihilated on the podcast.
Which is fun, isn't it?
It's fun for everyone involved.
Except for the Daredevil.
Only masochists need apply, which is every writer, let's be real.
But some are masochists in private and some prefer their pain to be more public.
But for the rest of us sadists, we can watch from a distance.
From a safe distance.
What's the safe word here on the Daredevil?
Please only I only know unsafe words.
So we will read out the story, we'll talk about the story, break it down,
share our thoughts, and hopefully all will learn something in
the process.
In addition to our schadenfreude from watching our poor Daredevil get
annihilated.
And who is in the hot seat today?
In the the devilishly hot seat is Marianna Saran, First time Daredevil,
first time Daredevil, second time entrant.
And Mariana has chosen well and chosen the winning team this round.
Which team?
Which team was that, Amanda?
Well, it depends how you look at it, because if you look at which team had the
winner on it, then it's Team Amanda.
I don't think that's how it works.
I think.
Well, you did ask me, which was a dumb.
That was a bad move on my part.
No, Mariana's chosen correctly and wisely, and she's chosen Team Ed,
the winning team.
All right, well, what were your prompts this round?
And Team Ed prompts were the word quick, the action of planting something,
and the kicker of having a character who is a flawed protagonist.
So let's read the story, shall we?
All right, let's show.
And the story is called All in God's Plan by Marianna Saran.
You're not my mum.
There it is, the 4 words I never wanted to hear,
the phrase that's been gnawing at me steadily for the past 14 years.
I continue planting my rose.
A thorn nixed me, drawing blood.
It's an omen.
I look up, smiling.
She's expressionless, stone cold.
I've never seen my bubbly, quick witted sweetheart this way.
Lucille, don't be ridiculous.
Of course I am.
I dust my hands of earthy remnants and stand to meet her gaze.
Reaching deep into her pocket, Lucille retrieves a crumpled piece of
paper, her eyes boring into me.
I admire their green hue, her beautiful long Auburn hair and
flecked nose, none of which she's inherited from me.
I note her usual rosy lips are grey.
Unravelling the sheet, wrinkled letters spread to spell missing.
It winds me.
The photo of two year old Lucille sits puckered on the page next to a computer
generated expectation of her appearance.
It's accuracy is annoying.
I've loved this little puppet since first wrapping my arms around her on that
overcast day in June.
It was down South, Not a parent insight, this helpless tiny tot,
abandoned in the middle of the road, riding her tricycle.
No helmet, no protection from the world's atrocities.
Fate had it that I came along.
It was all in God's plan.
I opened my mouth to protest.
Lucille interjects before I can draw breath.
Don't even think about lying.
I've already called the police.
I grab her hand, yanking her in, thrashing like an animal that's been
given a hit.
She evades capture.
Baby, where's this coming from?
My voice, a gentle whisper from the girls at school.
Mum, wait, can I even call you that?
Well, that's right, you're not my ******* mum, are you?
Language, young lady, don't you ******* tell me what to do.
Lucille's tone offends me.
The girl facing me is suddenly unrecognisable.
I guess blood really is thicker than water.
Ungrateful little ****.
14 years of unconditionally loving this kid means nothing to her.
Where's my real mum?
The venom strikes quick and deep.
Your real mum.
I'm your real mum.
The girls at school, they saw this online.
She waved the evidence, slicing my face.
When I rescued Lucille, the web wasn't for children.
Now anyone can access the entangled lies, forever swirling in the cloud.
I thought moving Interstate would leave the loose ends across the border.
I was wrong.
Honey, I hate you.
Tears spill.
I saved you.
Your mother didn't care about you.
She didn't deserve you.
Lucille takes a loose brick from the pavement and hurls it at my head.
Dancing lights pull into our driveway.
Please understand.
I I love you.
You'll always be my daughter.
Lucille's eyes swell.
Thank God she knows I love her.
I'll never think of you again.
The words fire like an assault rifle, leaving wounds beyond repair.
Two officers approach, cuffing me.
Casey Allenby, you're under arrest for the abduction of
Sally Montgomery.
Thank you for your story, Marianna.
And Marianna has left us a voicemail, which we'll play now.
Hello, My name's Mariana Sarin, and I'm the author of All in God's Plan.
The inspiration for this story has been drawn upon a lifetime as a journalist,
where good people do bad things, and sometimes they convince themselves
that those bad things are not so bad.
I also hope that there was a twist in my story in that people assumed Lucille had
perhaps been a adopted, but at the end, obviously, we find out that she was,
in fact, abducted.
So thank you, Marianna, for your story and for your message.
I think we should just get straight into it.
Yeah, for sure.
And we will start with the title, which is all in God's plan.
And that is a phrase that appears kind of around the middle of the story and maybe
hints potentially at the frame of mind perhaps of our protagonists here are very
flawed protagonists.
And there's a title.
I think it's fine.
I think it works, it does the job.
I don't think religion is a major theme necessarily in the story.
And so I wouldn't, I would say that it didn't recall the
story for me and it didn't like echo that central theme.
But as a title, it's fine.
Yeah.
And you know, you say this at other times, like using that kind of cliche phrase
doesn't necessarily feel special or unique with the story.
So it does pay to think that through a little bit.
But yeah, you know, it's not a problematic title.
It's just one where maybe there's an opportunity to to elevate.
I guess in this case the cliche phrase of all in God's plan is presented ironically,
like the fact that it is perhaps a righteous phrase that is used in a way
that is not so righteous.
I suggest it often is.
But anyway, it's a conversation for another time.
OK, let's get into the story and the opening
line.
You're not my mum.
And Marianna, in your message, you indicated starting off with maybe
some assumptions of adoption coming through.
And actually, the first time I read this story,
my first assumption was it was like a stepmom situation.
Yeah, because me too.
A common way you would hear that, or maybe not.
You're not my mum, but you're not my real mum kind of thing.
And yeah, that would be a common experience for
step parents to have a child sort of act out at that age and say, well,
you can't tell me what to do.
Yeah.
And more acting out of this kind of of teen rebellion rather than what we come
to learn in this story.
So, you know, Mariana mentioned that in her message,
and I feel like she successfully delivered that twist.
Yeah, which is good.
You know, we often say it's hard to pull off A
twist in a 500 word story, and she did.
So that's a big tick there.
And maybe talking high level as we go through.
I think this is a well constructed story.
We start off with a interjection into a very calm moment,
which is our protagonist just planting flowers in the garden and slowly
escalating and adding more detail and adding more urgency,
I guess right up until the end where she's carted away in handcuffs basically.
So I think just as a high level comment, generally,
I think that's that's handled quite well.
We do get that story progression.
We have a beginning, we move into our middle,
we have an ending, and it's not a vignette,
it's a complete story.
That's true.
I mean, we do spend a fair bit of time inside
this characters head, which I said this, I believe in our longest episode.
I do actually think it's quite appropriate to spend some time in the
head of a flawed protagonist.
I do think you need to see their thought process to really appreciate what they're
doing and why.
And I did feel in this case that I understood the protagonist.
I wouldn't go so far as to say, you know, I resonated with her or could appreciate
what she was doing.
I mean, who would want to steal a child?
That's a really interesting question to ask at this time in 2026 with certain
files flying here, there and everywhere.
I suggest there are a few people who would like to steal a child.
But anyway, all that aside, I did feel like it made sense to me.
You know, I could follow her thinking, even though obviously it's deeply flawed
thinking.
And I think that was a real strong suit here because I think that's crucial,
you know, and also good use of first person,
because one of the things that works here is the contrast between the main
character who's expressing her own thoughts in the first person never really
gives up the idea that she's acting righteously and for the good.
And what we see are details that seep in that prove that that's actually not the
case.
I think another thing that Mariana is doing well here is giving us the thoughts,
but then having the character say different things.
And I think that can be really satisfying as a reading experience as well.
Yeah.
Having the thoughts conflict with the action.
Yeah, you've got.
Yeah.
So there's conflict already inherent in that.
And then from there, there's conflict interpersonally between
the characters as well.
Yeah.
I guess if I could offer a criticism on that, that is what you're here for.
So go on.
Thank you.
Thank you for your permission.
Permission to criticise.
Granted, although there is that conflict inherent
in the scene, we don't really get much in terms of
agency from our protagonist.
Our protagonist the whole time is working in the garden and maintaining her
innocence up until she gets carted away, and there isn't really much that she has
any control over.
I guess she's trying to change opinions or she's trying to, like,
state her opinion, but what unfolds is really without her
input.
She could be saying anything in that situation and nothing would really change.
Yeah, she's kind of almost just sort of like,
forget about it, it's fine.
And, you know, the daughter is escalating there or the
not daughter is escalating, but the main character is quite
emotionally static throughout the story.
We don't really get that stress coming through.
We, I mean, not to be unfair because she does start
to get, she starts swearing and, you know, sort of thinking a little bit darker
thoughts like ungrateful little **** and whatnot.
But the implications here are huge.
And I'm not sure that her reaction maybe fits the stakes here.
And, you know, she may not be fully be aware of the
stakes.
She's clearly not operating from a place of logic.
So it's safe to say she might not fully understand what's going on.
However, the one thing that you're for 14 years
you've been trying to avoid coming to the surface has come to the surface.
And you're kind of like, no, no, no, that's that's not true.
You're, you're my daughter and, you know, just kind of arguing instead of melting
down, which you imagine might be the case.
Yeah.
And she might be forced to confront those lies and this cognitive dissonance that's
been in her head for the last 14 years.
And how does she unravel in that moment?
And what is she doing?
Because she's trying to speak, but the daughter interjects and she tries
to say something, but the daughter interrupts.
And I think, what's she doing?
Like, how is she panicking?
What is she just still calmly planning her rose?
We do have this moment where she grabs her daughter's hand and tries to yank her
and the daughter pulls away.
But I don't know, I did.
I guess I wasn't feeling that sense of urgency that maybe should have been there.
But what does come through is what Marianna mentioned in her message is that
people in this situation, her experience, and this is based on some level of real
life experience, is that people who do wrong things often
don't see themselves as being bad people.
They they see their actions as morally justifiable and good in various ways
ordained by God.
Yeah.
And look, another thing I want to point to was the
daughter in this relationship, who I think is an interesting character
and I feel could have been developed a little bit more because we don't get her
perspective.
But we see that she's been shown this image and it looks annoyingly like
herself from the main character's perspective,
which has prompted her to realise that she had been kidnapped many years ago.
But I wonder if her reaction could have been a bit more nuanced because this is
someone who presumably has known no other mother.
And we're in this situation where she's already phoned the police and she's
basically waiting for the police to come on the basis of a computer generated
image.
But I feel like in reality, if I imagine a person in that position,
they may feel deeply conflicted because they have a they've got some questions.
They've got some questions, like not just answers.
Yeah.
Her mother in quotes would you would expect to have been like a loving,
caring mother that had raised her, who she would feel a strong attachment
for, more so than her unknown parents.
And I would expect her to feel quite conflicted about that.
And maybe there would be a moment where she would not phone the police but work
through that conflict with her mother and kind of come to these realisations.
And we don't get that conflict.
We don't get her conflict.
And I think that might be something that is missing from this story.
Yeah.
I mean, we get this sort of back and forth
between them.
Yeah.
But yeah, there's not sort of new information added
in that back and forth.
It's kind of like, you're not my mum.
Yes, I am.
Yeah.
No, you're not.
And where's the kind of reveal of the harsh truth that proves it?
Like, we've got this picture, this missing photo.
Where's the discovery of an old photo of your own hidden away somewhere?
Or where's the question over why you never had a birth certificate?
Or, you know, these things that might be big,
big clues of what's really going on, Maybe more convincing than a missing
poster that with a girl on it that just happens to look a lot like you.
There are some other details definitely that could have been worked in to
emphasise that.
But I think what Marianna's done very well here is kept it to a scene because
when we start talking about all these other elements and, and you know,
the finding out as opposed to like the coming to terms with,
we're talking about different scenes and different settings and it is hard to like
condense all that down.
So she has done well to fit that all into a scene.
But yeah, there there is some opportunity, I think,
to explore the daughter side of things in a more nuanced way,
or maybe one that adds to the conflict and adds to the drama of the scene.
We're talking about these big themes.
And I think that that's how this story is like.
It presents well as a story.
And so it becomes about like the bigger thoughts,
the deeper thoughts about what this story represents and how it connects
emotionally.
But, you know, on a practical level, I did feel that this story needed to be
set up a little bit more at the outset.
And maybe that's a little bit of what's missing.
So we've got you're not my mom.
There it is the 4 words I never wanted to hear.
Now I know that it's Mariana's intention here to set up that twist, right?
And to have us think it's a step mum or adopted mum or similar.
And one thing that's a little bit of a bugbear for me in the opening of a story
is a hanging line of dialogue without someone to speak it.
And so we've got this.
You're not my mum.
Now that's a dramatic thing to say.
We know it's a child.
Well, I mean, we assume it's a child, right?
We get that's the immediate image that comes to mind.
We don't know it's a 14 year old girl and we don't know who she's saying it to and
what their deal is.
And so we've just got these, these words spoken in a black void
basically.
And we need more than that.
We, we do learn fairly soon that the mother
character is trying to plant a rose.
So we get that it's in a garden, we don't really get any sensory details
of that garden.
We get the, the pricking of the thorn, but we sort of aren't dropped into a
visual scene there.
We're just given there's a rose and look, that's OK because we're focused on the
action that's happening in that garden.
But I suggest, you know, wouldn't hurt to get just a little bit
more of where we are and what that represents.
Because I know that it was intentional to have this pricking of the thorn and,
and that sort of stuff and, and to work with that as a theme.
So I think you could expand on that a little bit,
but I guess top line comment just being we probably needed a little bit more
there and perhaps even a little bit more before the conflict begins because we're
dropped right into the middle of it, meaning we don't really get the beginning
of this story.
We've sort of dropped right into the middle.
And it's great to drop into the middle of action,
but it's not necessarily great to drop into the middle of a story,
if that makes sense.
Yeah, like establishing that relationship
before it breaks down a little bit, which is tough because, as you say,
we want this one scene.
Yeah, look, it is challenging in the constraints here.
And that's the thing, I think.
I think Marianna's done a great job to build the story as she has in the scene.
But yeah, inevitably there are these elements that
are missing.
I think the difficulty becomes, you know, if we talk about beginning,
middle and end and all that sort of stuff.
We have talked about this in a couple of Daredevils already this round,
but we have a story where there's a back and forth but there's not a cause and
effect.
The cause has happened already, you know, she's found and the effect even has
happened already.
Lucille's friends have found this missing poster.
They presented it to her.
She's felt confident enough in that to decide this is not her real mother.
We don't get an insight into any of that action and then it's just a back and
forth of you're not my mum, Yes, I am.
And and a bit of back story.
Whereas what we probably needed to get was something happens which causes
something else to happen and that causes a reaction, you know,
action reaction to build towards the climax of this story.
And the climax is that she's arrested, but even the police have already been
called as well.
So there's no catalyst sort of revealed in this story to bring us to that point.
It's already happened, basically, and we're just watching it unfold.
And I think that's a challenge that we've seen a couple of times in these stories
and something that bears repeating.
You really need for the story, for a plot to progress,
for the action and reaction to really build towards that climate.
I guess what we're not calling out, and as I read through this story is the
prose, because on a sentence level, as I'm reading through it,
I don't really have major concerns about that.
Yeah, no, at a sentence level, I think it's it's working.
I think maybe the challenge for this story is that what we're presented with
here works in itself as a package.
But because it's a 500 word piece of fiction,
we haven't been able to connect with the characters in maybe the way that we
needed to for this story.
But we don't get to see any of that 14 years of bonding and relationship
building where you think this person is your mother, like that's huge.
So we don't get any insight into that.
And then we also don't get the heartbreak that would go with that, which is huge.
Like, I can't imagine, right.
And not just heartbreak of like, you're not my real mum when I thought you
were, but you stole me.
Holy ****.
What's wrong with you?
And what does this mean?
And my whole life's a lie.
Like for a 16 year old to be confronted with that would be absolutely shattering.
And I don't really feel like we get that shattering.
We get, well, I called the police, so now you're getting arrested and I'm
never going to think of you again.
Like really, you're not going to think about this
constantly every day for the rest of your life.
Like Oh my God, like real trauma.
So I feel like maybe that's where we were lacking the emotional aspect of this.
We've got the drama of it, and I think that ticks the boxes.
But we don't have the real human emotion on both sides that would accompany this
kind of epic scenario.
Yeah.
Look, I do like as we move through the story,
when I rescued Lucille, the web wasn't for children.
Now anyone can access the entangled lies forever swelling in the cloud, you know,
again, reinforcing this idea.
And this is this is another one I think we've mentioned on a past episode that
the Team Ed stories leaned heavily into character as opposed to the Team Amanda
stories.
And this one is it is that character study is that understanding this
character and what motivates her.
And this is another moment of cognitive dissonance where the character is calling
things lies that are actually the truth and giving us a bit of insight into her
thinking.
But as we then go to the ending, and I think in my notes and also other
judges notes, here we have the ending that comes very
abruptly of the two officers cuffing her and arresting her.
And that last line of Casey Allenby, you're under arrest for the abduction of
Sally Montgomery, is probably important exposition on one
level, as in it kind of solidifies what's
happening and calling back that twist.
I think by that point in time, we do get it.
We do get what's happened.
So it's probably not necessary.
I think what you want to do is focus on the relationship between the two people
here and the police coming in and taking her away is not really part of the story
that you're trying to tell here.
And that gives you a little bit more time back to then focus in on that
relationship a bit more.
Yeah.
And I think you need to, I think for this to really feel resonant
as something that's happened, you know, real,
we do need more of that emotion and that heartbreak and that absolutely earth
shattering loss of sense of self that would come.
And that's a big ask.
Like, that's a lot to be able to convey such
huge emotion.
But you know, I think that's what we work towards.
And I think emotional resonance is always a strong goal to have because I think
that's how we connect to story.
Like a story can be very clever, but how we connect is through real human
emotion and resonating with other people's experience and having empathy
for other people's experience.
And while I do have some empathy for this flawed protagonist,
it doesn't get over the line for me.
I sort of needed a little bit more realness for this to come off as a real
story.
But, you know, it's, it's a very strong concept,
very interesting, you know, and engaging story.
So in that regard, I think it did exactly what it set out to
do.
I guess what I would have liked to have seen and what maybe would have landed it
on the long list is more attention to that emotional side of things.
Yeah.
Look, I agree.
You've got a very strong premise here.
Obviously that's a compelling situation and just to emphasise that you do have
two characters here, 22 characters that are both quite complex
and I think 1 character is being focused on here.
But there's an opportunity to explore 2 characters and also their relationship
and how this event has impacted their relationship.
When we talk about single effect and emotional payloads at the end of the
story, that's really where you want to focus
your effort of, of how you can enhance that.
And I think there's definitely a lot, a lot to explore there.
And your strong point in this story there, there are many.
The structure is great, the prose is great,
but from a an emotional perspective, there's a little bit more to do there to
really kind of sell the story.
Yeah.
So thank you Marianna.
I hope that has shed a little bit of light onto our thinking there.
A lot working in your favour and maybe some points of focus for next time around.
So we hope you will join us again.
I mean, we've jumped around a bit there, haven't we?
We've sort of gone here and there and everywhere with our feedback.
So hopefully you're able to organise those thoughts in your own mind and and
take from them what you will, what's useful to you.
But yeah, thank you so much for jumping into this
experience.
I hope it was a little bit enjoyable.
Do you think it ever is?
I don't know.
Question.
I don't know.
I as I've said before, I'm not sure if it's something that I
could do.
Yeah, It's we.
We always appreciate our daredevils for going through the pain on everyone's
behalf.
They're a bit like a sacrificial lamb.
Yeah.
Like a cautionary tale.
Yeah.
Maybe that's the analogy, and we look forward to reading your next
story, which I will in fact be meeting with you
about because you've gone with the coaching option for the next round.
Something a bit more private, which is probably a smart idea.
Let's be real and lick your wounds.
But yeah, I'm really looking forward to that and to
seeing what you deliver next and how that compares and whether any of our advice
was, in fact, useful.
And you can hold Amanda accountable for all of the **** that she said in this
episode.
So there's that.
Absolutely.
So thank you.
And that brings the January round to its conclusion.
Yeah.
Our first ever write off our little baby.
What an experience.
That was a lot of fun.
And I'm looking forward to April.
Yeah, we've got a fun theme for April.
I'm super psyched for that one.
Yes, I'm excited too.
I mean, this January round has been chaos for us
behind the scenes.
Like the actual judging of this comp went quite smoothly and quite quickly.
But we've had so much other stuff going on.
We've been recording **** we've been preparing, you know,
our collection of smutty stories.
We've been doing all the regular stuff that we do for this competition.
Many, many things therein.
Busy, busy, busy time for us.
But hopefully we're starting to see the light at the end of that tunnel.
And we look forward to seeing everyone in April.
And if you don't have a ticket, what's wrong with you?
Go to the website, sign up.
Yeah.
And we're looking forward to April.
It's gonna be lots of fun.
Fun theme, fun prompts.
It's gonna be amazing.
Don't miss out.
You're so convincing right now.
I love it.
If for no one else, do for yourself.
You don't want to do anything you're gonna regret for the rest of your life.
And if you miss out on the April Not Quite Right prize,
you're going to regret it till the day you die.
So that was the hard sell for you.
But we'll see you all back very soon for the April round.
But until then, right on, right on.
We hope you enjoyed this special Daredevil episode of Not Quite Right.
If you have thoughts on this story, follow us on social media and join the
conversation.
And if you'd like to participate in the next round of the competition,
head over to our website at notquiteright. com.
That's WRITE something doesn't seem quite right.