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Not Quite Right features discussions that
are unfiltered and uncensored,

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and may include themes that are
inappropriate for younger listeners.

59e9305b-0532-419b-aa74-629493c452d6-0
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Also, I swear a lot.

9d8ce737-7fce-45c2-9784-ab1e6b7692e2-0
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Something doesn't seem quite right.

bb1046d5-612c-4ca0-8a06-e1f0bd2e08f4-0
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Welcome to Not quite right.

f23df638-b12a-4537-96b6-ec5e519091bd-0
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My name's Ed and I'm Amanda,
and we are here with our second Daredevil

f23df638-b12a-4537-96b6-ec5e519091bd-1
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for the April 2026 Not Quite Right Prize
for Flash Fiction.

4fbb6c83-8c17-4860-b805-9772fa0fb448-0
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Daredevils are people who have signed up
for the honour and the privilege of being

4fbb6c83-8c17-4860-b805-9772fa0fb448-1
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absolutely eviscerated by us on the
podcast, in some cases up to five times,

4fbb6c83-8c17-4860-b805-9772fa0fb448-2
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up to five times.

3820a6a3-577a-4aa7-a0fb-c6a428400062-0
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So we'll read the story,
we'll RIP it apart and hopefully all

3820a6a3-577a-4aa7-a0fb-c6a428400062-1
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learn something together.

70e69c3e-8bbf-4ef0-9220-284d05ab702c-0
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And I cannot think of a more worthy
recipient of a beating today then fifth

70e69c3e-8bbf-4ef0-9220-284d05ab702c-1
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time daredevil slash Baredevil Holly
Sadowski.

c1d3f3b5-6f9e-4923-82c6-1514e5cf1551-0
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She loves it.

99e27c19-a0a1-4aa9-84e2-2a19fe423dc4-0
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She loves a bit of a a whipping Holly Mia
Sadowski, I think we shall say.

570734c5-ad61-4203-81d0-d72d152d1586-0
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But you know, we love Holly.

2c2b5306-7466-4fcb-a560-9fb7a09b282c-0
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We love,
we love how she comes to us with

2c2b5306-7466-4fcb-a560-9fb7a09b282c-1
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something different each.

769625bc-d905-4e42-bb4c-b78062cfe067-0
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I'm always challenging us in new and
exciting ways and this story is no

769625bc-d905-4e42-bb4c-b78062cfe067-1
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exception.

49f6f286-2746-4329-8e1d-f1e7f69228be-0
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Now Holly is writing for Team Amanda this
time around.

c580fe09-450a-48ee-8579-26eb55b56499-0
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Sorry, what were your prompts?

88237b28-eedb-431c-94b1-00867a83dc28-0
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So my prompts were the word St,
the action of breaking out and of course

88237b28-eedb-431c-94b1-00867a83dc28-1
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the kicker,
which was to feature a break dancing move

88237b28-eedb-431c-94b1-00867a83dc28-2
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of some kind.

94227b24-f61e-424a-a307-6b7b2bdb708f-0
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And as we've explained in earlier
episodes,

94227b24-f61e-424a-a307-6b7b2bdb708f-1
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that could be a literal break dancing
move in the story or the name of a break

94227b24-f61e-424a-a307-6b7b2bdb708f-2
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dancing move that you kind of interpreted
in a different way.

c086a7db-0ba6-4582-9551-fa01794f02b3-0
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But I will say before we kick off that
Holly actually managed to squeeze 7

c086a7db-0ba6-4582-9551-fa01794f02b3-1
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different break dancing moves into this
story.

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So keep your ears open for those.

d6a68e23-a669-4903-b330-f6fa33309566-0
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I mean,
a lot of our veterans would now have a

d6a68e23-a669-4903-b330-f6fa33309566-1
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good awareness of what some of the break
dancing moves are that they might not

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have otherwise had.

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So keep your ear out for those.

074c880e-c9ef-4ea5-b2b3-08a91134fb76-0
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But should we,
should we get into the story?

891d3006-9127-4929-bec6-ff4e10dd1cea-0
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Should we drag everyone else into this
experience along with us?

8ce59df1-6925-4fe7-af67-28303a64dc3c-0
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Let's do that.

e0ff9810-bb51-4534-85da-5ec72e77aafc-0
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Let's do it.

9132a5e3-0d44-408b-859e-904f52343042-0
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So here is Vigilante **** Mia's version
by Holly Sadowski.

291b8248-8927-4100-adf5-b967cc8c4388-0
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Mia Pavlovsky glowers at the man doing
the **** slide away from her at a snail's

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pace,
the smeared faecal matter he dragged

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himself through trailing like mucin
across the kitchen tiles.

0926a211-4187-4430-9a5d-16c15a7a8d08-0
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He's really ******* up her first murder,
which admittedly is on brand for him,

0926a211-4187-4430-9a5d-16c15a7a8d08-1
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though maybe she should have been more
exact measuring out the poison.

c1c90bd0-9e28-471b-8f2a-03ee7f208176-0
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She grabs her phone and opens the murder
for him.

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Vigilante ****.

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The monkey swings at Pose Poison.

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How'd the Visine work?

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The man cries out as another fart rips
out of him and she types a response.

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Pose Poison.

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Let's just say it backfired.

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She covers her nose with her shirt.

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Jesus, Jeff,
you've really let yourself go.

a16f79b1-e18b-457b-a25a-2ff2d83cdea5-0
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Mia, please, please.

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She picks up a knife,
it's blade glinting in the morning sun.

f36f9440-8608-4809-b08c-2707c823cbbb-0
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That never swayed you when I said it when
I was 12, you ****.

46958674-329d-49bf-b72b-a6e288021915-0
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She mentally adds.

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Jeff crawls towards her.

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You were so sweet when I married your mum,
wasn't my fault.

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He extends his **** stained hands in
supplication.

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He grabs her ankles and Yanks her feet
from under her.

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Mia's tailbone slams onto the floor,
knocking the wind out of her.

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Idiot rule #5 on the forum explicitly
states keep a safe distance from the

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target until they're tied down.

e9c9fb89-9f23-4f97-aa50-e31e8e007e12-0
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She struggles to her feet,
the soles of her converse sliding through

e9c9fb89-9f23-4f97-aa50-e31e8e007e12-1
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the wet excrement as Jeff scrambles to
the back door and wrenches it open.

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The forum didn't say anything about
potential breakouts, however.

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Help, help.

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Mia grabs Jeff's collar and hauls him
inside,

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giving him a swift kick to The Nutcracker
for good measure.

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She glances up and down the street,
but there's no sign of anyone at this

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hour.

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The neighbours are still sitting in the
pews.

8b5f9b8f-f890-449e-8b1b-b8b604350ce2-0
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Mia learned long ago that people aren't
inclined to leap into action at a

8b5f9b8f-f890-449e-8b1b-b8b604350ce2-1
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disturbance coming from Jeff's house.

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She handcuffs him and locks the door.

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Then, with hands shaking,
she types a quick missive pose.

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Poison.

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He tried to make a run for it.

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Three dots flash on the screen and she
waits for the reply.

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Don't kill me.

74c52eaf-9d4e-4622-827a-b446401faa4b-0
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Jeff starts bawling,
adding snot and saliva to the mix.

ce8c1678-3dd1-4fba-a07f-88284a24f513-0
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Her phone Dings and she glances at the
screen.

e3f15dbc-16a3-4c65-8387-9855071b9bc1-0
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Munch milk.

1befbf38-6a49-45e6-9e5a-2754b2b86e09-0
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Cut those vocal cords.

9240abf4-da55-4b83-99b9-fa2fd8b72796-0
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Queen Monkey swings and him.

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Mia looks up just in time for Jeff to
projectile vomit onto her T shirt.

e86280af-53c9-40d2-95c0-c7c2e81dde7f-0
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The warmth trickles between her cleavage,
the rancid acidity overwhelming her

e86280af-53c9-40d2-95c0-c7c2e81dde7f-1
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senses.

53c84b81-527a-4e4d-a035-2c701f010b6a-0
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No one had told her murder would involve
so many different bodily fluids.

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*** **** it.

19cf4df3-2d2a-46ed-8c17-e8a7e1dc6902-0
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She manages to keep her gag reflex in
check,

19cf4df3-2d2a-46ed-8c17-e8a7e1dc6902-1
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barely as she reaches for the knife.

067e0e87-ed12-4152-b316-ea3fbe7d2ad2-0
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Munch mill and monkey swings are right,
it's time to end this.

336531a5-6bba-49d6-bcf3-33f3aec2ca63-0
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Red spatters the walls and ceiling and
the floor.

71fd6bd6-b23e-4c89-b06c-c7c354ad1334-0
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Mia didn't even want to think about
cleaning that.

2e3fadec-5468-4717-a61c-22659c8a39b7-0
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Maybe she could just burn the house down
for the insurance payout.

66b1bda4-6505-495b-b5a0-78823a4c9bb6-0
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Jeff sits by the back door,
divvied up amongst 5 bags to drop off in

66b1bda4-6505-495b-b5a0-78823a4c9bb6-1
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different neighbourhoods.

6d4033b9-5afc-49af-8e3d-ee50d4fdd0b4-0
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She glows with the virgin flair of her
first murder.

991c829d-42a5-41a4-9890-5119d6148f1b-0
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Well, thank you for your story, Holly.

93a7e85f-f8b3-4e1d-93e2-ed50daa5020a-0
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And now might be a good time to mention
that the author is Holly Sadowski from

93a7e85f-f8b3-4e1d-93e2-ed50daa5020a-1
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Kansas.

29747b17-417d-403d-98e4-8d35baee3b21-0
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Not the other Holly Sadowski serial
killer, not serial killers,

29747b17-417d-403d-98e4-8d35baee3b21-1
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alleged killers.

f258d091-0aa2-4a78-a25e-1fb3cd955778-0
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Like, oh, absolutely.

b749e292-37ab-4b3c-adb9-6a191ea3c301-0
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For real alleged.

44cceba9-8301-463f-9b9c-84796b901d98-0
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Actually,
I don't think she was charged with that.

1243dc92-8cb0-4d13-a8be-5fcdd4b922c4-0
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It was just a mysterious body buried
under the house.

4627cb15-16ce-4899-b35c-04612b3c4aeb-0
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But anyway,
if you're Googling Holly Sadowski,

4627cb15-16ce-4899-b35c-04612b3c4aeb-1
00:06:47.662 --> 00:06:50.490
give her the benefit of the doubt is all
I'm going to say.

4e9eb865-788c-4ad9-bba9-72fc855bb9ae-0
00:06:52.200 --> 00:06:55.560
But we have a message from Holly,
so why don't we let her speak for herself?

2fcbc030-f5e9-4908-9292-2a847d312db7-0
00:06:55.920 --> 00:06:56.960
Yes, let's play that now.

045bf582-cf8a-43f8-ba2b-6324c6c65eca-0
00:06:59.840 --> 00:07:03.485
Hi Ed and Amanda,
this is Holly Sadowski from Kansas,

045bf582-cf8a-43f8-ba2b-6324c6c65eca-1
00:07:03.485 --> 00:07:05.240
here for my 5th Daredevil.

fc437452-629a-4694-825c-407a6aea943d-0
00:07:05.840 --> 00:07:09.056
And the story is Vigilante **** Mia's
version,

fc437452-629a-4694-825c-407a6aea943d-1
00:07:09.056 --> 00:07:11.520
a little play on Taylor Swift there.

3c1f8e1d-b074-4e3f-96d1-f74098bbac4d-0
00:07:12.320 --> 00:07:18.952
And it was actually inspired by Amanda's
Google search of me when she found my

3c1f8e1d-b074-4e3f-96d1-f74098bbac4d-1
00:07:18.952 --> 00:07:24.578
namesake in Philadelphia,
who I believe had been charged with what

3c1f8e1d-b074-4e3f-96d1-f74098bbac4d-2
00:07:24.578 --> 00:07:29.280
insurance fraud and maybe a body was
found in her yard.

36d8d7b5-d79f-4954-aad8-f2af69e46353-0
00:07:30.200 --> 00:07:31.640
So that was the basis.

e64aba83-fc1b-4f4d-a30d-c37cea6afdcc-0
00:07:31.640 --> 00:07:34.840
And then I sort of went off the rails
from there.

c19ec8f3-dbe3-49db-ad5a-23b1791945d3-0
00:07:35.440 --> 00:07:38.440
I would apologise,
but we all know I don't mean it.

d453d1e1-1a2b-41a2-9b6a-317a4445bcce-0
00:07:38.920 --> 00:07:48.301
But I guess my question would be how to
elevate my riding to actually land on the

d453d1e1-1a2b-41a2-9b6a-317a4445bcce-1
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short list.

325cecc6-f962-442b-a78f-d5e954fef490-0
00:07:49.760 --> 00:07:54.401
And I realised that is all subjective and
I know there's so many other good write

325cecc6-f962-442b-a78f-d5e954fef490-1
00:07:54.401 --> 00:07:55.760
great writers out there.

d8edcb68-0a49-486a-8a92-886c555a55c3-0
00:07:56.080 --> 00:07:57.240
Thanks you guys so much.

ecf8bfa9-b5b6-4441-b2ac-74727c9db3f5-0
00:07:58.520 --> 00:07:59.840
So the holy thanks for clarifying.

83f61ff2-3c22-4e03-be07-e574cba6dcad-0
00:07:59.840 --> 00:08:04.120
It was insurance fraud and maybe some
murder, maybe a bit of murder.

c5a0923f-0a32-46e3-bb8e-d38569ac62fc-0
00:08:04.840 --> 00:08:06.760
What's a bit of murder between friends?

dc081e31-564e-461a-a8a5-1657857742ff-0
00:08:08.240 --> 00:08:10.230
Yeah,
I think Holly has a very valid question

dc081e31-564e-461a-a8a5-1657857742ff-1
00:08:10.230 --> 00:08:13.520
and I think it is a question that's been
playing on her mind for some time.

521860dd-1765-4fd9-b96c-12ab39c27a51-0
00:08:13.520 --> 00:08:16.009
Like,
I know you guys like my stuff because we

521860dd-1765-4fd9-b96c-12ab39c27a51-1
00:08:16.009 --> 00:08:19.240
have said that repeatedly and she has
long listed and so on.

03928f48-1e64-454c-950e-f36288b4eefa-0
00:08:19.240 --> 00:08:21.200
But how do we get from there to the next
level?

ca2ec290-3139-4ecb-8607-a320b2718957-0
00:08:21.200 --> 00:08:22.967
And of course,
that's the question everybody's asking,

ca2ec290-3139-4ecb-8607-a320b2718957-1
00:08:22.967 --> 00:08:23.160
right?

d0f3a132-5932-44af-be8f-003884e76828-0
00:08:23.160 --> 00:08:24.800
How do I get to the next level?

ff7b0bdc-dcdc-492f-ae03-265f685cb46b-0
00:08:25.240 --> 00:08:28.935
Chloe in our last Daredevil was like,
how do I get from the shortlisting to the

ff7b0bdc-dcdc-492f-ae03-265f685cb46b-1
00:08:28.935 --> 00:08:29.120
win?

abfebb7a-f10e-45a7-8608-a4f2ae5bcde1-0
00:08:29.120 --> 00:08:31.332
You know,
we're never happy are we in This is the

abfebb7a-f10e-45a7-8608-a4f2ae5bcde1-1
00:08:31.332 --> 00:08:32.040
human condition.

df274153-40f4-4b7a-8759-53f655858555-0
00:08:32.040 --> 00:08:34.120
But you know,
it's a perfectly valid question.

8d65236f-e724-4bdf-8125-26344de941f1-0
00:08:34.120 --> 00:08:36.845
And I think hopefully,
like in these Daredevils or wherever

8d65236f-e724-4bdf-8125-26344de941f1-1
00:08:36.845 --> 00:08:39.480
really doing is commenting on the story
that we received.

6db8ac3f-2c76-4c85-bc99-efdb44e113e6-0
00:08:39.480 --> 00:08:41.840
And that's what we can do today with this
one.

49aeac48-710b-4cf2-8e09-960c4661a803-0
00:08:41.840 --> 00:08:46.036
But I think also there are probably some
overarching ideas that maybe we can share

49aeac48-710b-4cf2-8e09-960c4661a803-1
00:08:46.036 --> 00:08:48.160
with everybody who has this same question.

c0233e55-7e80-4d9b-9012-db685838c229-0
00:08:48.160 --> 00:08:52.280
Like, how do we break out of just,
you really like my story, too.

40cb7290-be8e-4c62-8736-2af3e776afdf-0
00:08:52.280 --> 00:08:54.960
You loved my story and you wanted it to
win.

0e28221b-08f1-41e1-9364-2651b153a6cd-0
00:08:54.960 --> 00:08:56.240
And I have some thoughts on that.

89813a83-2c02-4922-ba2a-ce909cb2f754-0
00:08:56.320 --> 00:08:57.440
I assume you do too, Ed.

c561df6d-192a-4368-9f82-cb3298f15a97-0
00:08:57.440 --> 00:08:58.160
Yeah, absolutely.

8c67d45c-113b-4796-b27c-08f324a798b2-0
00:09:01.680 --> 00:09:03.800
Hi Ed, the editor here.

16da537b-366b-4a73-a509-257c27d076e9-0
00:09:04.360 --> 00:09:08.880
While editing this episode,
I noticed a few annoying pops and clicks.

178ad275-0506-449e-8e90-886481c7485f-0
00:09:09.240 --> 00:09:12.480
I've tried to fix them as best I can,
but I can't get rid of them all.

f046d2a5-46ef-4432-b924-4cbcc241b3ee-0
00:09:12.840 --> 00:09:14.080
Thanks for bearing with us.

d07ca701-7d42-4cec-bc83-e67440d59395-0
00:09:18.440 --> 00:09:23.509
So let's start with the title,
which was Vigilante **** Mia's version,

d07ca701-7d42-4cec-bc83-e67440d59395-1
00:09:23.509 --> 00:09:28.080
which as Holly has pointed out,
is a reference to Taylor Swift.

9e0fdb46-60cd-4e9b-86c1-84ecf4dfd7c2-0
00:09:28.080 --> 00:09:30.480
So what do you think about this title?

9a32065d-2e3b-4642-8030-25af0d2fc7a5-0
00:09:30.880 --> 00:09:32.998
Look,
I think it sets up the tone of this story

9a32065d-2e3b-4642-8030-25af0d2fc7a5-1
00:09:32.998 --> 00:09:33.440
very well.

9fbeb5e5-bb52-455f-a1a7-73c96bb3de0c-0
00:09:33.640 --> 00:09:35.120
You know, the lighthearted tone.

a0175c78-fffd-4d05-af6e-501f2d7fbb81-0
00:09:35.280 --> 00:09:36.920
I mean, I hesitate to say lighthearted.

d4ec6dec-746f-42b0-a1ce-adc43ed20450-0
00:09:36.920 --> 00:09:40.800
This is obviously a very dark story,
but it's told in a very lighthearted way.

d1a7403c-7a09-479c-8c72-ab00218c7c95-0
00:09:41.160 --> 00:09:44.160
I think the use of **** there in the
title is very apartment as well.

a39a4463-61d7-466e-af52-4ccb78c874e8-0
00:09:44.160 --> 00:09:47.680
I feel like the story really delivered on
that aspect.

cc821cc7-46da-4d61-b5d8-6a3d79c68999-0
00:09:48.080 --> 00:09:50.360
Look,
I'm not a Taylor Swift fan in particular.

1fcb4fda-6e6c-4f6a-8f2c-b34687aa5d54-0
00:09:50.360 --> 00:09:51.440
I'm not against Taylor Swift.

448623d3-b0ab-4859-915e-97959486a5b0-0
00:09:51.440 --> 00:09:53.800
I like the music,
but not a big Taylor fan.

1abcad99-772f-47d3-b0e5-17aab7eb4889-0
00:09:53.800 --> 00:09:58.010
So I guess that didn't particularly
resonate with me or elevate this,

1abcad99-772f-47d3-b0e5-17aab7eb4889-1
00:09:58.010 --> 00:10:01.259
but it does,
I guess put a bit of character around as

1abcad99-772f-47d3-b0e5-17aab7eb4889-2
00:10:01.259 --> 00:10:01.560
well.

57f8d66c-c04b-43fd-8433-6b2a43bf0183-0
00:10:01.560 --> 00:10:05.773
So we're setting up the story with this
person is a Taylor Swift fan,

57f8d66c-c04b-43fd-8433-6b2a43bf0183-1
00:10:05.773 --> 00:10:07.640
which I know Holly is a Taylor.

15dd7913-acdc-43e1-9dfa-8eef921c5f8f-0
00:10:08.480 --> 00:10:12.083
I think it's more to the point,
I would say like I would break down this

15dd7913-acdc-43e1-9dfa-8eef921c5f8f-1
00:10:12.083 --> 00:10:13.120
title into two parts.

1ef30f8b-7dd8-484c-b4ed-afc1b730d9f0-0
00:10:13.120 --> 00:10:16.240
So the vigilante **** I think works
really well, sets the tone.

9268e0fa-431c-4db7-87f3-3e6ff1f54b38-0
00:10:16.240 --> 00:10:20.120
And also **** is introduced fairly early
on in the story as well.

c067ff7e-365d-4ea7-b804-59dd31150976-0
00:10:20.120 --> 00:10:24.704
So definitely connecting back into the
story in a way that's like surprising and

c067ff7e-365d-4ea7-b804-59dd31150976-1
00:10:24.704 --> 00:10:26.120
not cliche Mia's version.

55e89d51-abeb-4438-8620-ad06dab0d9c7-0
00:10:26.120 --> 00:10:27.960
Mia being obviously the main character.

2910df4a-3c45-4375-bd71-aa9c80c334e4-0
00:10:28.160 --> 00:10:30.640
There is a connection there,
but it's also not a strong connection.

729388ca-c03c-4e76-aa0b-f68f7b9cd393-0
00:10:30.640 --> 00:10:31.920
It's a reference to Taylor Swift.

d4386b9e-cf46-495a-92fc-8b73d4107540-0
00:10:31.920 --> 00:10:34.400
That's not really like that relevant to
the story.

d6bbc9cb-90f6-4eca-907d-825e2c23559f-0
00:10:34.400 --> 00:10:35.880
So it might be a distraction, I think.

950ae17c-770a-4cc3-ac7e-d64721398816-0
00:10:35.880 --> 00:10:39.800
I think calling it vigilante **** might
have just been the better way to go.

b588c8d3-e618-4988-9dc7-cffc0b2b1c1a-0
00:10:40.120 --> 00:10:40.560
Yeah.

25614e5e-ba92-4f1f-a391-fc8694ae003a-0
00:10:40.560 --> 00:10:44.491
And look, I think as well, you know,
if you did want to have that Taylor Swift

25614e5e-ba92-4f1f-a391-fc8694ae003a-1
00:10:44.491 --> 00:10:46.880
influence,
then you would need to pay that off.

2f05cc1d-d7e5-45ea-b50c-97142c0e35a9-0
00:10:46.920 --> 00:10:50.404
So in the story,
like she's murdering to a Taylor Swift

2f05cc1d-d7e5-45ea-b50c-97142c0e35a9-1
00:10:50.404 --> 00:10:54.760
song that's meaningful to her and that it
is meaningful for a reason.

fc6d53af-e907-44c3-a305-22eef358b9c5-0
00:10:54.760 --> 00:10:58.200
That's it's relevant to this story as
well and it's not just like a throw away.

ea7a211f-7322-456e-bf42-640139d568e8-0
00:10:58.200 --> 00:11:00.477
Well,
she did give him a swift kick to The

ea7a211f-7322-456e-bf42-640139d568e8-1
00:11:00.477 --> 00:11:01.960
Nutcracker, so there's that.

ccd5b052-7837-4dc5-81a4-393c180fb231-0
00:11:02.120 --> 00:11:02.640
What's that?

7a560757-9a9e-4299-a82b-c4f7a7e09327-0
00:11:03.000 --> 00:11:03.760
A swift kick?

b30c6c69-43ac-4e70-a8ff-b5f5fcd074fb-0
00:11:07.440 --> 00:11:10.640
Is that like a diamante platform here
kick or something?

6393eb57-4ee9-4d07-bb92-26ab132127fb-0
00:11:10.720 --> 00:11:12.280
A diamante stiletto kick.

20c13e0c-b42e-45f4-a04e-511b03e05a49-0
00:11:12.960 --> 00:11:14.800
But let's talk about the story itself.

84124bcc-5c59-4122-8f62-744a1588aeb8-0
00:11:15.080 --> 00:11:20.501
Let's get into it so it opens on Mia
Pavlovsky glowers at the man doing the

84124bcc-5c59-4122-8f62-744a1588aeb8-1
00:11:20.501 --> 00:11:23.640
**** slide away from her at a snail's
pace.

3ef4cb19-8af4-4c83-a382-5ce28b56c472-0
00:11:23.640 --> 00:11:27.031
The smeared faecal matter he dragged
himself through,

3ef4cb19-8af4-4c83-a382-5ce28b56c472-1
00:11:27.031 --> 00:11:29.920
trailing like mucin across the kitchen
tiles.

91801c80-2777-47c5-a7e5-f386e56de3b8-0
00:11:30.080 --> 00:11:32.720
Isn't that just, you know,
she's dropped us into the.

6e408ad1-f568-4619-807f-0535929818b3-0
00:11:32.720 --> 00:11:34.280
She's she.

87d45325-75a3-4ee7-9679-c36d098d8417-0
00:11:34.440 --> 00:11:34.880
Yeah.

4881e4d7-1e7c-4d39-8a12-f0a4d12207b8-0
00:11:34.920 --> 00:11:35.120
Yeah.

b293a500-8475-4419-803b-e783a7d5745b-0
00:11:35.120 --> 00:11:38.697
Look, I mean, as you said,
this does paint a picture and a very

b293a500-8475-4419-803b-e783a7d5745b-1
00:11:38.697 --> 00:11:39.480
vivid picture.

913f9062-2965-4766-a208-544018192003-0
00:11:39.480 --> 00:11:42.080
I would maybe move some things around
here.

7762b32f-9a5f-44de-9184-f6db274e6e4e-0
00:11:42.080 --> 00:11:43.280
But look, this is is the tone.

ee9091d5-e335-4448-a4af-b6b1262636da-0
00:11:43.280 --> 00:11:44.480
This is what you're going for, right?

98cecfb9-b145-46e5-b6a9-86732f684ce8-0
00:11:44.480 --> 00:11:47.733
There's comedy, violence,
there's **** there's all sorts of

98cecfb9-b145-46e5-b6a9-86732f684ce8-1
00:11:47.733 --> 00:11:49.360
inappropriate stuff happening.

04a39428-fa99-412e-a1bc-fa3c75826c93-0
00:11:49.360 --> 00:11:53.080
Always funny, not always be honest.

d02c585e-a7a9-49fb-a45d-8b78bc3d9014-0
00:11:55.960 --> 00:11:57.240
Well, we are laughing serious.

2ac9f033-d6d1-4532-8dad-6a9a5fb058c6-0
00:12:01.680 --> 00:12:04.173
Well, look,
I also have to obviously point out that

2ac9f033-d6d1-4532-8dad-6a9a5fb058c6-1
00:12:04.173 --> 00:12:07.577
Holly has named her point of view
character here right in the opening,

2ac9f033-d6d1-4532-8dad-6a9a5fb058c6-2
00:12:07.577 --> 00:12:08.680
which of course I love.

caff23d7-e2d1-4ae6-8b44-3824637b915a-0
00:12:08.680 --> 00:12:10.360
And I don't just love it for no reason.

8a87441c-2f07-4606-891d-656aad89cfcb-0
00:12:10.360 --> 00:12:13.760
I love it because now we know who we're
looking at.

d2d2a333-30e4-40c8-b66f-c3438a437ddb-0
00:12:13.760 --> 00:12:17.617
And Mia being a name that kind of
establishes probably a bit of an age

d2d2a333-30e4-40c8-b66f-c3438a437ddb-1
00:12:17.617 --> 00:12:20.280
range,
and I think that's important information.

1458e195-ed00-4a9f-b172-86b32ae11d8d-0
00:12:20.320 --> 00:12:21.440
It's obviously in the title as well.

f5340058-b789-42a1-9910-6a78dff0361f-0
00:12:21.440 --> 00:12:23.000
So now we know who we're looking at.

b987f779-dd2e-472f-826f-f19f750090b8-0
00:12:23.360 --> 00:12:27.643
I would say that this is a rather long
sentence and I think this is something

b987f779-dd2e-472f-826f-f19f750090b8-1
00:12:27.643 --> 00:12:31.872
that I would say for a lot of stories
because we've got the challenge in the

b987f779-dd2e-472f-826f-f19f750090b8-2
00:12:31.872 --> 00:12:33.959
opening of a story to deliver so much.

f99662c3-094b-4047-9a10-d1cb8fc2a43d-0
00:12:34.160 --> 00:12:36.884
And it's the same in a novel,
like in your first chapter or your first

f99662c3-094b-4047-9a10-d1cb8fc2a43d-1
00:12:36.884 --> 00:12:37.920
page, you've gotta do this.

99096c11-7214-4c7a-9248-5bdd0ff60bc2-0
00:12:37.920 --> 00:12:40.722
You gotta set up the character,
you gotta set up the setting,

99096c11-7214-4c7a-9248-5bdd0ff60bc2-1
00:12:40.722 --> 00:12:44.428
you've gotta have the the stakes and the
goal and all of these things that you're

99096c11-7214-4c7a-9248-5bdd0ff60bc2-2
00:12:44.428 --> 00:12:45.920
trying to do and the hook, right?

7cf9bb32-c1b6-4648-83c8-e388e0f85ffc-0
00:12:45.920 --> 00:12:47.000
The hook, all of that.

eb4e6f71-1fe0-4bd1-8c4c-a07dc63a3eef-0
00:12:47.000 --> 00:12:50.297
And when it's a piece of flash fiction,
you're trying to do that in the first

eb4e6f71-1fe0-4bd1-8c4c-a07dc63a3eef-1
00:12:50.297 --> 00:12:50.720
paragraph.

68b8f63c-3ff7-4127-b55f-5b4954dbb6bb-0
00:12:50.720 --> 00:12:52.160
So there's a lot going on.

e6103db9-1214-4fe2-9b88-5298c803b734-0
00:12:52.200 --> 00:12:54.695
And I think what ends up happening is
what's happened here,

e6103db9-1214-4fe2-9b88-5298c803b734-1
00:12:54.695 --> 00:12:57.440
which is that a little bit too much has
been crammed in together.

0087b5b1-e429-408d-8ba6-8498fec09a3c-0
00:12:57.440 --> 00:13:00.760
And I think it does need a little bit of
breathing room in this case.

21a2f436-aa43-458d-8d7a-f18c2ad1394f-0
00:13:00.880 --> 00:13:03.871
And in many cases,
it's as simple as breaking it down into

21a2f436-aa43-458d-8d7a-f18c2ad1394f-1
00:13:03.871 --> 00:13:05.240
two sentences instead of 1.

5c301c0b-610e-4252-8b70-3cc4265da2d4-0
00:13:05.560 --> 00:13:09.360
And you wouldn't need any more words,
depending on how you phrase that.

34832408-982b-4215-b7b2-6b967320a646-0
00:13:09.840 --> 00:13:11.400
So I would do that.

5d38574c-37d6-40a6-a841-9ecc48978824-0
00:13:11.400 --> 00:13:13.880
And the reason is not just for no reason,
right?

4bb6a3ac-b8d4-46a5-9280-a417e8fa842b-0
00:13:13.880 --> 00:13:16.560
I don't just say that as an arbitrary
piece of advice.

9be4cc79-fef6-4db9-984f-89ef04a80e69-0
00:13:16.920 --> 00:13:18.600
It helps with reading flow.

5bbecc76-58d1-4630-a14b-7832493e21ee-0
00:13:18.840 --> 00:13:21.348
And that is something that can be the
difference,

5bbecc76-58d1-4630-a14b-7832493e21ee-1
00:13:21.348 --> 00:13:24.960
if Holly's asking between a long listed
story and a short listed story.

449dd9fe-4c61-4eb7-a807-60427b8dcc8a-0
00:13:25.320 --> 00:13:30.640
A story that flows and feels easy to read
can be a more pleasing experience.

f0a6ef8a-7976-4307-b707-ff8196e276c6-0
00:13:30.640 --> 00:13:33.160
And we don't even always know that that's
happening.

61dd5963-d44c-48a4-9d24-8e1909563b7e-0
00:13:33.320 --> 00:13:35.520
You know, I do, I,
I pay attention to that.

f09c50f3-b98b-484b-9f69-09461c1c080a-0
00:13:35.520 --> 00:13:37.840
I have this critical brain now when I
read stories.

4d34fca0-43df-47a0-8a31-e7329092d92c-0
00:13:37.840 --> 00:13:40.600
But a lot of readers wouldn't be able to
tell you what the issue was.

6c93d7d5-723f-46dc-9507-3d033c64f9c2-0
00:13:41.000 --> 00:13:43.880
But in many cases,
it's like my flow is getting interrupted.

b9848617-5d4e-4afb-a649-2d7ea949ef2e-0
00:13:43.880 --> 00:13:46.360
And so the story doesn't feel smooth.

a86ce857-1bdf-4680-8cfa-2906f6bc3919-0
00:13:46.920 --> 00:13:50.160
And it's a subtle thing,
but it can impact the reading experience.

1706c8a0-b4a7-4cbd-8cd0-5f9a5f8901f8-0
00:13:50.160 --> 00:13:51.880
So just something to look at.

3f516538-1f81-4f18-bd02-27d64c2cc339-0
00:13:51.880 --> 00:13:55.965
Generally speaking,
this is a rule of thumb I take from my

3f516538-1f81-4f18-bd02-27d64c2cc339-1
00:13:55.965 --> 00:13:59.288
day job,
which is try not to have any more than

3f516538-1f81-4f18-bd02-27d64c2cc339-2
00:13:59.288 --> 00:14:01.920
around 26 words in a sentence at most.

eb1fda5b-ee81-405b-94c5-5fbb75932b97-0
00:14:01.960 --> 00:14:04.240
And even that is a is quite a long
sentence.

4e30cfdd-a4c2-4613-a7e8-cac78f3311aa-0
00:14:04.240 --> 00:14:08.720
So this sentence has 31 words in it,
and that's a very long sentence.

5b658b4f-fc7f-4cf9-8e7b-185af2df7d2c-0
00:14:08.720 --> 00:14:09.760
So 26.

59fc8534-cd70-4f22-a24e-68a5b6042254-0
00:14:10.600 --> 00:14:12.760
Stupid rule of thumb, but it works.

dbb32fdb-b7c8-4ecc-b8ad-5580ef5410dc-0
00:14:12.840 --> 00:14:14.875
Yeah,
it's it's a good idea to just to help you

dbb32fdb-b7c8-4ecc-b8ad-5580ef5410dc-1
00:14:14.875 --> 00:14:16.360
assess that maybe you've gone over.

5b3f337e-d5ba-4fdb-bc4c-779a95905d62-0
00:14:16.360 --> 00:14:18.880
And look,
I don't think that there's anything wrong

5b3f337e-d5ba-4fdb-bc4c-779a95905d62-1
00:14:18.880 --> 00:14:20.480
necessarily with a long sentence.

7d212052-7ff5-4f8c-b140-79fe60524aa3-0
00:14:20.640 --> 00:14:25.104
I think the issue here is the amount of
stuff that's happening and the way it

7d212052-7ff5-4f8c-b140-79fe60524aa3-1
00:14:25.104 --> 00:14:27.680
diverts your gaze from one thing to
another.

e7aa7aa1-f157-405c-a0bf-e8896a23df23-0
00:14:27.680 --> 00:14:28.840
We're starting with Mia.

60596d21-9476-4543-bf78-87eb67519b8b-0
00:14:28.840 --> 00:14:33.680
We're watching her glower at a man and
he's **** sliding away.

719d3178-cbf3-4f6b-b2c9-e8ace4338344-0
00:14:33.680 --> 00:14:35.040
And in what manner?

7af6c206-85d8-467d-92b1-05c0e030c73c-0
00:14:35.040 --> 00:14:37.690
And,
and what is he unleashing as he does it,

7af6c206-85d8-467d-92b1-05c0e030c73c-1
00:14:37.690 --> 00:14:38.440
as he trails?

a1c834d1-3af9-4fa5-9625-b7f300b69c42-0
00:14:38.440 --> 00:14:39.960
And what does that trail look like?

91817630-437e-45a8-a0db-bfdb68b23f27-0
00:14:39.960 --> 00:14:40.920
And where is he?

248829f8-528a-4bbe-acaa-466f9f7568ff-0
00:14:41.120 --> 00:14:44.663
So there's all of these concepts that are
kind of coming out very quickly that

248829f8-528a-4bbe-acaa-466f9f7568ff-1
00:14:44.663 --> 00:14:45.560
we've got to absorb.

6b4521be-5d81-4fc5-b53f-227308a6bb9e-0
00:14:45.600 --> 00:14:45.880
Yeah.

70434819-eff4-45b4-a657-97285c06b13c-0
00:14:46.200 --> 00:14:48.840
And just from a Poe perspective,
I love that.

a51db93b-a215-4921-a3c5-bf00b33568e3-0
00:14:48.840 --> 00:14:50.080
That's a great image.

1a323136-2634-4088-becb-8117021d2264-0
00:14:50.080 --> 00:14:53.844
It's very disgusting,
which is really leaning into the

1a323136-2634-4088-becb-8117021d2264-1
00:14:53.844 --> 00:14:56.240
emotional experience of this story.

a6ada63c-aaf6-49cd-baf0-c088deb1860e-0
00:14:56.720 --> 00:15:00.240
But that snail metaphor doesn't really
continue on.

e1263f3b-12cd-4731-9551-8bf1e181f4a7-0
00:15:00.640 --> 00:15:02.280
And I would have liked it to,
to be honest.

f2742da7-6969-4329-a1ae-b0ad26fc2824-0
00:15:02.280 --> 00:15:03.960
You've given us something really powerful
there.

8efe274d-35d0-4c5d-b9a5-86f9a863fd6c-0
00:15:03.960 --> 00:15:04.880
This snail metaphor.

f9ca8962-0621-4ccf-ab83-e896e01fb9ec-0
00:15:05.080 --> 00:15:05.920
Use it again.

100fb08e-38f0-4ded-a5b2-a7efaad5d83e-0
00:15:06.160 --> 00:15:08.640
What does this tell us about him as a
character?

d0843e13-9a60-438a-8b0a-2b93c070995e-0
00:15:08.640 --> 00:15:10.950
Like,
let's not just say that as a throwaway

d0843e13-9a60-438a-8b0a-2b93c070995e-1
00:15:10.950 --> 00:15:11.720
kind of visual.

4bd32c8e-bb06-4697-8932-5dd603d0f470-0
00:15:12.000 --> 00:15:12.920
Let's use that.

a0cf73fc-3a46-45f6-b392-b88a2c8f9b28-0
00:15:12.920 --> 00:15:16.200
Everything should be working towards,
like, doing more than one job.

ae0e4d52-52d1-4bad-8852-508b80329c97-0
00:15:16.640 --> 00:15:22.243
Having said all that about long sentences,
that sounds a little bit unfair given

ae0e4d52-52d1-4bad-8852-508b80329c97-1
00:15:22.243 --> 00:15:25.080
that Chad Frame Story made the shortlist.

f6a00cbf-eb9d-4515-a0dd-b20b4efeebaf-0
00:15:25.360 --> 00:15:27.571
Yeah,
which I'm not going to go and count it,

f6a00cbf-eb9d-4515-a0dd-b20b4efeebaf-1
00:15:27.571 --> 00:15:30.600
but it was probably 150 words,
a lot of words in one sentence.

c40fafb3-8545-4ac8-97e3-553a8805afbc-0
00:15:30.600 --> 00:15:34.720
And so it's not to say you can't do that
in Chad Frame Story.

16cf90cd-ff13-4539-9916-d76fe4ffdafe-0
00:15:34.720 --> 00:15:38.696
I would argue that we did have reading
flow because it was this stream of

16cf90cd-ff13-4539-9916-d76fe4ffdafe-1
00:15:38.696 --> 00:15:41.760
consciousness and then one thought flowed
into the next.

f9dd3227-c46e-4177-adf7-557dc1c7522b-0
00:15:42.200 --> 00:15:45.112
And once you sort of understood that
that's what you were looking at,

f9dd3227-c46e-4177-adf7-557dc1c7522b-1
00:15:45.112 --> 00:15:46.360
it became easy to follow that.

51c54a87-f549-41e5-8fec-1f6427355473-0
00:15:46.600 --> 00:15:48.958
Whereas in this case,
I don't think that expectation is set for

51c54a87-f549-41e5-8fec-1f6427355473-1
00:15:48.958 --> 00:15:51.760
that long sentence in the same way,
and it doesn't work quite the same way.

2271107f-a442-4be4-9494-d0cdef4712f3-0
00:15:51.760 --> 00:15:55.216
So, I mean, call me hypocritical,
and indeed I am hypocritical,

2271107f-a442-4be4-9494-d0cdef4712f3-1
00:15:55.216 --> 00:15:58.240
and that's fine,
but that's my feedback for this story.

53c8f2e1-cfec-4973-84f1-979c02098af7-0
00:15:58.320 --> 00:16:01.960
What I think Holly was really trying to
do with this opening is shock us.

82385035-e607-4098-8575-80f2255da77f-0
00:16:02.280 --> 00:16:02.400
Right.

468ff6a5-f88f-47ed-aa24-7beffbf0fc9a-0
00:16:02.480 --> 00:16:04.240
And on that front Tick.

0882ea41-34ef-4e41-859e-7fa6cf71bbd9-0
00:16:04.440 --> 00:16:04.680
Yeah.

3c791ebc-47ee-4d03-8bec-2454f62ce4dc-0
00:16:04.800 --> 00:16:05.360
And you did.

264c5f5c-89c2-46a1-9a2e-f18e3e3c2ae4-0
00:16:05.480 --> 00:16:07.160
I ran this with my jaw on the floor.

922346d7-7b2e-4f9d-8daa-6e8bec052763-0
00:16:07.160 --> 00:16:07.480
I'm like.

d91e4095-ad5a-4716-83ef-edacaae36ac0-0
00:16:07.840 --> 00:16:11.760
And you would think by now I would be
unshockable, but I'm not.

208737e3-9175-4d5c-ad16-393bcbae23e4-0
00:16:11.760 --> 00:16:15.876
I absolutely read something like this and
it does make me sit up and pay attention,

208737e3-9175-4d5c-ad16-393bcbae23e4-1
00:16:15.876 --> 00:16:17.640
which is a huge job of that opening.

2e87fda6-5008-4e56-bda9-baf50320c056-0
00:16:17.640 --> 00:16:22.640
So there's a lot of positives going on
here with this opening of this story.

226604bd-314a-4455-bc92-4794c3b9bc77-0
00:16:22.800 --> 00:16:23.400
I agree.

83a8ccc3-e587-4909-af84-7b7354117d7e-0
00:16:23.440 --> 00:16:27.686
I will say that there were quite a few
stories I read this round that had an

83a8ccc3-e587-4909-af84-7b7354117d7e-1
00:16:27.686 --> 00:16:32.320
opening line that shocked me or like drew
me in and I was like, yes, take me there.

3a5b520e-979a-4803-acb2-8fcd12e0df4b-0
00:16:32.680 --> 00:16:34.360
Like where are you going to go from here?

f005e72f-4167-4c28-a6d4-97044f79653d-0
00:16:34.440 --> 00:16:39.120
And often the disappointing thing is that
it doesn't go somewhere else.

ddf8293b-5fc3-49fc-bd24-f8d6f3b8b22c-0
00:16:39.320 --> 00:16:42.960
It goes there in the first line and then
it kind of keeps keeps going there.

7e87744f-5364-4311-abc6-28fbb8f669e5-0
00:16:42.960 --> 00:16:44.960
And I'm not saying about this story in
particular.

d9e776c8-79dd-42bb-8000-f2b4f708f1b8-0
00:16:44.960 --> 00:16:47.779
I'm just saying, like,
there is more to it than just grabbing

d9e776c8-79dd-42bb-8000-f2b4f708f1b8-1
00:16:47.779 --> 00:16:49.280
your attention in the first line.

494bb987-37a2-43a6-b5d2-431b4463bfd0-0
00:16:49.280 --> 00:16:51.840
You need to kind of take us somewhere
surprising.

68dc2000-bfb1-4ee3-b3a5-b9a39ad82147-0
00:16:52.280 --> 00:16:55.000
And often it's about going somewhere
different.

2385ec87-0323-4f13-b1a1-ab89e727edb4-0
00:16:55.080 --> 00:16:58.339
You know,
you can start in **** and end up in like

2385ec87-0323-4f13-b1a1-ab89e727edb4-1
00:16:58.339 --> 00:17:00.640
a really touching, heartfelt moment.

ea6175e0-cea1-4d85-8302-5679c2a14a3d-0
00:17:00.640 --> 00:17:01.960
Like, that's surprising.

a3aa37b4-08a5-435a-a466-d3ccd33e81c9-0
00:17:02.280 --> 00:17:04.160
And that has happened in this competition.

5889a3aa-43c5-45a4-916d-2dc6fb6a73ad-0
00:17:04.160 --> 00:17:06.160
Yeah, no, it's true.

022ebe2e-be12-4834-a8d7-d0719933b1b8-0
00:17:06.160 --> 00:17:06.720
So I know.

ff53f5ab-b704-41d6-8f98-636e0ad77a91-0
00:17:06.760 --> 00:17:08.896
Look,
I think that probably is a valid

ff53f5ab-b704-41d6-8f98-636e0ad77a91-1
00:17:08.896 --> 00:17:12.239
criticism of this story that we start
kind of at the climax,

ff53f5ab-b704-41d6-8f98-636e0ad77a91-2
00:17:12.239 --> 00:17:14.760
almost like at the at the most shocking
part.

cad92005-efcf-45be-a702-74fcdad604d4-0
00:17:15.160 --> 00:17:17.600
And then it's difficult, like,
where do you go from there?

9ec497df-d25c-414e-9b73-b56e21a49dcf-0
00:17:18.280 --> 00:17:19.760
So, well, where do we go?

7509046f-cecd-41b1-8ec4-c8a6552a074d-0
00:17:19.960 --> 00:17:20.800
Let's get into it.

68e7e1d8-4247-4728-a326-5a82353071f7-0
00:17:20.920 --> 00:17:24.240
So the next line is he's really *******
up her first murder,

68e7e1d8-4247-4728-a326-5a82353071f7-1
00:17:24.240 --> 00:17:28.432
which admittedly is on brand for him,
though maybe she should have been more

68e7e1d8-4247-4728-a326-5a82353071f7-2
00:17:28.432 --> 00:17:30.120
exact measuring out the poison.

9badc1fa-90c8-49b6-8fb1-05f4c473d127-0
00:17:30.520 --> 00:17:33.480
I like this, you know,
which admittedly is on brand for him.

46c48f86-942e-4538-a77a-c8bc749ff627-0
00:17:33.480 --> 00:17:35.774
Like,
that's a little bit of characterization

46c48f86-942e-4538-a77a-c8bc749ff627-1
00:17:35.774 --> 00:17:37.720
there that I think is subtle and great.

0c855dec-e460-483d-8455-e3059ed94d9d-0
00:17:37.840 --> 00:17:41.280
We understand just from that alone that
there's an intimate relationship here.

e601b5e6-375c-4855-b5af-c63d65eef862-0
00:17:41.280 --> 00:17:42.840
This isn't just some random dude.

a1bacc92-ecad-43c0-82ab-e715f333c378-0
00:17:42.840 --> 00:17:44.480
This is a guy she has a history with.

74669471-db58-4ef0-b6d3-eb1a8414deed-0
00:17:44.480 --> 00:17:45.280
And I think that's good.

58b1836b-63c6-4d60-a620-cc124a526b9b-0
00:17:45.560 --> 00:17:47.200
That's like a little bit of subtext there.

c5f69066-71d6-4e58-b04b-83159b3c7575-0
00:17:47.400 --> 00:17:47.600
Look.

6d150760-3f03-4378-85bf-27e2146f6500-0
00:17:47.640 --> 00:17:50.400
Well, let's just take a little step back,
I think,

6d150760-3f03-4378-85bf-27e2146f6500-1
00:17:50.400 --> 00:17:54.406
because I think my challenges for this
story are a little bit more bigger

6d150760-3f03-4378-85bf-27e2146f6500-2
00:17:54.406 --> 00:17:54.840
picture.

9184de07-20af-4d68-81de-603eb4d5b08e-0
00:17:54.840 --> 00:17:56.787
Like,
we can get into the detail of sentence

9184de07-20af-4d68-81de-603eb4d5b08e-1
00:17:56.787 --> 00:17:58.000
level, and I'm sure we will.

a0e9f483-1ec7-4e5a-929f-630038ec6c3f-0
00:17:58.560 --> 00:18:00.840
But I think there's a bigger issue at
play here.

8c5a29e2-2452-4987-ac1c-f03e446cf52d-0
00:18:01.200 --> 00:18:06.573
And that is my question to Holly,
which is what is your goal as the author

8c5a29e2-2452-4987-ac1c-f03e446cf52d-1
00:18:06.573 --> 00:18:07.720
with this story?

87df5116-af90-47b2-9cb8-8931729e27d9-0
00:18:07.800 --> 00:18:11.746
Now,
I suspect the goal was to shock and amuse,

87df5116-af90-47b2-9cb8-8931729e27d9-1
00:18:11.746 --> 00:18:12.240
right?

2a52bc96-ef55-4fc3-a40f-9e8741db20b0-0
00:18:12.240 --> 00:18:13.680
In which case you've done it.

9fdb642a-aabd-43e2-a7f2-bd0a603ac192-0
00:18:13.680 --> 00:18:14.520
You have done that.

83e4e793-fb60-4d2c-8cd3-4c474b2ea721-0
00:18:14.520 --> 00:18:16.320
You have shocked us, You have amused us.

08a8d182-20a1-4718-a654-5859a81526da-0
00:18:16.640 --> 00:18:18.000
Tick success.

8fe91dc1-9e55-4f03-a940-bc3c18f197c3-0
00:18:18.720 --> 00:18:24.840
But I'm not sure that this plays out in a
way that is satisfying as a story.

3a5e6800-1e4d-4f6b-bd55-4a3f9daf93c6-0
00:18:25.480 --> 00:18:30.703
It is shocking, it is entertaining,
but it doesn't leave us with this sense

3a5e6800-1e4d-4f6b-bd55-4a3f9daf93c6-1
00:18:30.703 --> 00:18:34.277
of satisfaction,
this kind of complete package of a

3a5e6800-1e4d-4f6b-bd55-4a3f9daf93c6-2
00:18:34.277 --> 00:18:35.240
classic story.

74c7da3f-ca8b-4994-86d1-a89b90c2eeae-0
00:18:35.240 --> 00:18:39.769
And I think there are a lot of authors
this round and certainly in Team Amanda

74c7da3f-ca8b-4994-86d1-a89b90c2eeae-1
00:18:39.769 --> 00:18:40.400
there were.

dd9f616e-8768-4be4-ab55-1505b0f74fb7-0
00:18:40.720 --> 00:18:44.973
And I think we've developed this
reputation now in the Not quite right

dd9f616e-8768-4be4-ab55-1505b0f74fb7-1
00:18:44.973 --> 00:18:48.568
prize for valuing stuff like this,
valuing the shock value,

dd9f616e-8768-4be4-ab55-1505b0f74fb7-2
00:18:48.568 --> 00:18:53.241
valuing the humour and the in jokes and
the personality that comes through in

dd9f616e-8768-4be4-ab55-1505b0f74fb7-3
00:18:53.241 --> 00:18:54.080
these stories.

7e576a8f-0f63-40e5-b616-c5768e3d6760-0
00:18:54.080 --> 00:18:55.560
And we absolutely do.

eeb4e609-e90d-4858-8609-3b121fb786ce-0
00:18:55.560 --> 00:18:59.901
And I want to make that very clear,
but I also want to draw a distinction

eeb4e609-e90d-4858-8609-3b121fb786ce-1
00:18:59.901 --> 00:19:03.069
between like,
I guess this assumption that that's all

eeb4e609-e90d-4858-8609-3b121fb786ce-2
00:19:03.069 --> 00:19:04.360
it takes and it's not.

e4769290-05b8-4571-a613-fb12ceb7cafb-0
00:19:04.600 --> 00:19:10.189
So certainly there have been stories that
have risen right up the shortlist with

e4769290-05b8-4571-a613-fb12ceb7cafb-1
00:19:10.189 --> 00:19:12.880
little in jokes, references even to us.

a777eb21-8417-4b47-aac0-13af1282da27-0
00:19:12.880 --> 00:19:15.296
You know,
we talked about in the last episode about

a777eb21-8417-4b47-aac0-13af1282da27-1
00:19:15.296 --> 00:19:17.480
Shadow, Sharon and Arsene, Andy,
our darlings.

23e77686-5775-47cf-86ee-fb78e2968487-0
00:19:17.800 --> 00:19:19.960
And we appreciate those little in jokes.

f7d69819-e7a1-4b27-8065-cab4e6d625e3-0
00:19:19.960 --> 00:19:22.680
But the story also has to work outside of
this competition.

910c5bf3-e509-436a-a01f-6109ce479f40-0
00:19:23.120 --> 00:19:26.136
And to some extent,
if you want a little peek behind the

910c5bf3-e509-436a-a01f-6109ce479f40-1
00:19:26.136 --> 00:19:30.052
curtains of the judging process,
you're almost setting yourself up for an

910c5bf3-e509-436a-a01f-6109ce479f40-2
00:19:30.052 --> 00:19:31.639
even bigger mountain to climb.

940dea07-89b9-469b-a024-83ed986fadfe-0
00:19:32.160 --> 00:19:36.842
Because when you write something that is
clearly targeted for us, and in this one,

940dea07-89b9-469b-a024-83ed986fadfe-1
00:19:36.842 --> 00:19:37.520
not so much.

e1fb8055-1848-44a5-8c32-22da403f5986-0
00:19:37.520 --> 00:19:39.109
I mean,
I think that's something Holly's done

e1fb8055-1848-44a5-8c32-22da403f5986-1
00:19:39.109 --> 00:19:39.800
more so in the past.

2eb62efc-2d4a-48b5-8dbe-6e1ce05b06ff-0
00:19:39.800 --> 00:19:44.073
But when you write something that is
targeted for us or targeted at just

2eb62efc-2d4a-48b5-8dbe-6e1ce05b06ff-1
00:19:44.073 --> 00:19:47.000
hitting our particular funny bones,
we know that.

f8f862b4-14e8-4e73-b20d-21a04fd290da-0
00:19:47.280 --> 00:19:51.845
And we have to almost say, like,
take a step out of ourselves and be more

f8f862b4-14e8-4e73-b20d-21a04fd290da-1
00:19:51.845 --> 00:19:55.299
objective and say,
does this story work outside of this

f8f862b4-14e8-4e73-b20d-21a04fd290da-2
00:19:55.299 --> 00:19:56.040
competition?

7aa4076c-676e-47c5-b991-ade031d6aa1f-0
00:19:56.240 --> 00:19:59.000
Is it something that other people would
find satisfying?

4f836014-680b-406b-94f5-0bec7244cb24-0
00:19:59.000 --> 00:20:03.399
Or are we just being arrogant ***** and
liking the story because it's written for

4f836014-680b-406b-94f5-0bec7244cb24-1
00:20:03.399 --> 00:20:03.560
us?

c27210a2-0d65-4373-addc-228ecaa0cc78-0
00:20:03.840 --> 00:20:06.658
And so, yeah,
I think that is a challenge that people

c27210a2-0d65-4373-addc-228ecaa0cc78-1
00:20:06.658 --> 00:20:06.920
face.

4184afee-4d6a-4ee1-8972-cd06af6fa0ae-0
00:20:07.240 --> 00:20:11.880
And if your objective is to entertain us,
you will do that.

40f87aff-ff7f-4593-ba9a-210d03a33a43-0
00:20:12.080 --> 00:20:13.360
And you will absolutely do that.

628db9a1-6d40-4c44-a9c6-719004509223-0
00:20:13.360 --> 00:20:14.360
And we will love your story.

eb4f14e2-b7eb-4be2-ae26-1dde0d6f8546-0
00:20:14.360 --> 00:20:16.040
And we'll swap it around and we'll have a
giggle.

7f0ce2ca-2aea-4f8b-a895-d23a98d6277e-0
00:20:16.480 --> 00:20:18.953
You might get a dishonourable mention or
whatever it might be,

7f0ce2ca-2aea-4f8b-a895-d23a98d6277e-1
00:20:18.953 --> 00:20:20.760
and if that's your goal for the story,
great.

0eb41f7d-221e-47ed-966c-66eeb9f21605-0
00:20:21.080 --> 00:20:24.594
But if you want to win the competition,
and Holly does, she's made that clear,

0eb41f7d-221e-47ed-966c-66eeb9f21605-1
00:20:24.594 --> 00:20:26.240
she wants to get shortlisted or more.

deb90fab-2191-441c-838f-1d7971a701d6-0
00:20:26.240 --> 00:20:29.490
No doubt everybody who enters the
competition thinks about winning the

deb90fab-2191-441c-838f-1d7971a701d6-1
00:20:29.490 --> 00:20:30.040
competition.

0b0fb481-bade-4212-b1a0-02cdf20544a9-0
00:20:30.320 --> 00:20:35.192
And so I think we need to step outside of
that and perhaps to some extent,

0b0fb481-bade-4212-b1a0-02cdf20544a9-1
00:20:35.192 --> 00:20:40.388
stop trying to write to what you believe
our preferences are and start to write

0b0fb481-bade-4212-b1a0-02cdf20544a9-2
00:20:40.388 --> 00:20:43.637
from yourself what you want to express
because I,

0b0fb481-bade-4212-b1a0-02cdf20544a9-3
00:20:43.637 --> 00:20:47.079
I don't think even we know what our
preferences are.

c06bbe34-a61a-4fa4-ba28-d22c1cd25787-0
00:20:47.120 --> 00:20:47.400
Yeah.

ee48793a-975f-48f8-9af9-99ac3fdd8ea5-0
00:20:47.560 --> 00:20:49.000
You know, they ebb and flow.

cbdad8b1-e070-4286-8a40-2d73e5ed0ff5-0
00:20:49.560 --> 00:20:52.839
One day I find this fantastic,
and the next day, you know,

cbdad8b1-e070-4286-8a40-2d73e5ed0ff5-1
00:20:52.839 --> 00:20:54.840
it's something completely different.

cf3f6b7e-83f2-4453-9eaf-20b2009a6dba-0
00:20:54.840 --> 00:20:55.880
We love the variety.

31e3ec6c-f146-4b8e-a74e-c65a0f7217e1-0
00:20:55.880 --> 00:20:58.120
We love all sorts of different types of
stories.

109be632-a6f3-4516-a107-0a25d5005539-0
00:20:58.400 --> 00:21:02.080
I think what we love, generally speaking,
is authenticity in one way or another.

1c0ba580-40d8-4d7b-adde-f407ed2339c3-0
00:21:02.080 --> 00:21:03.360
And to be surprised.

f1e60a2b-c722-4d23-92ac-2c06d9eea789-0
00:21:03.480 --> 00:21:03.760
Yeah.

4e41b001-8efe-4a08-add8-bc2f4bc0ba39-0
00:21:03.760 --> 00:21:07.173
So give us something that you feel we
just put two poems,

4e41b001-8efe-4a08-add8-bc2f4bc0ba39-1
00:21:07.173 --> 00:21:11.940
like in 1st and 2nd place after saying in
the past that we we didn't love poetry

4e41b001-8efe-4a08-add8-bc2f4bc0ba39-2
00:21:11.940 --> 00:21:13.000
for flash fiction.

97f1420f-0f9f-4615-9348-43300453dab3-0
00:21:13.000 --> 00:21:14.400
So like, surprises.

ba8d8d1c-79c7-4bce-8632-65118d9feb5b-0
00:21:14.440 --> 00:21:14.760
Yeah.

e7b40e3f-9c46-4e9a-bf01-b315e7089fe5-0
00:21:14.760 --> 00:21:16.957
And look, you know,
if we're talking about, like I said,

e7b40e3f-9c46-4e9a-bf01-b315e7089fe5-1
00:21:16.957 --> 00:21:19.734
we're we're looking for more general
feedback of how do we get onto the

e7b40e3f-9c46-4e9a-bf01-b315e7089fe5-2
00:21:19.734 --> 00:21:20.120
shortlist.

a67fbd0a-45d3-434f-9d10-24a3e86b8100-0
00:21:20.440 --> 00:21:24.922
One big thing we've talked about it many
times is what we call the element of

a67fbd0a-45d3-434f-9d10-24a3e86b8100-1
00:21:24.922 --> 00:21:25.440
surprise.

ba71c5b8-595a-4331-8cef-43d4acb89fcd-0
00:21:25.720 --> 00:21:27.320
Now Holly has done that.

2e850c12-7438-49be-914f-84e172c50b50-0
00:21:27.400 --> 00:21:27.760
OK.

c2cc954b-5d1a-4c5e-bffc-f1de2adda22b-0
00:21:27.760 --> 00:21:28.920
So tick on that.

81dbf508-5209-4f28-a5c8-28bb196103b3-0
00:21:28.920 --> 00:21:31.320
You have absolutely delivered the element
of surprise.

c09c34cc-9694-4962-ada8-48696cec7624-0
00:21:31.320 --> 00:21:32.880
You've shocked us with this story.

175e0f4c-e8ea-47ae-8c7b-e6c2de80247b-0
00:21:32.880 --> 00:21:34.040
But that is just one element.

bf0c09ff-35e9-435d-b85e-28e00f46a576-0
00:21:34.440 --> 00:21:36.800
So you've absolutely delivered on that
element.

dc2fec2f-2274-4c41-8d56-c3954fdea005-0
00:21:37.200 --> 00:21:39.840
And then there are a whole bunch of other
things that we can also look at.

644fdb1a-0410-4b79-8a6a-9bc54f3b58a9-0
00:21:39.840 --> 00:21:43.400
And one of those being big one,
was it satisfying?

1186e6d6-ca66-4807-a13f-155355e8372b-0
00:21:43.920 --> 00:21:47.920
So satisfaction comes from those elements
of like cohesion.

a6a354dc-bfc5-48d8-9cff-5cfd4985d8b7-0
00:21:47.920 --> 00:21:49.280
We've got a consistent theme.

26672af3-8ca9-41ae-ac35-1fc4fba58601-0
00:21:49.280 --> 00:21:53.530
It's clear what's happening,
and we're left with something at the end

26672af3-8ca9-41ae-ac35-1fc4fba58601-1
00:21:53.530 --> 00:21:54.320
of the story.

80e1dd3e-cd12-48be-a3c0-53953346f5bc-0
00:21:54.680 --> 00:21:58.117
Satisfaction is like where Poe comes in,
like bringing all things together,

80e1dd3e-cd12-48be-a3c0-53953346f5bc-1
00:21:58.117 --> 00:21:59.520
pointing in the same direction.

cd6bb63b-b2a6-40f6-accc-8fef43047012-0
00:21:59.840 --> 00:22:03.676
And then we've also got emotional
resonance is another big one that will

cd6bb63b-b2a6-40f6-accc-8fef43047012-1
00:22:03.676 --> 00:22:05.200
get a story on the shortlist.

4d0a0ef9-6806-45e9-ac79-b789b7c7cf10-0
00:22:05.200 --> 00:22:08.160
So there's a few different things here
and we can look at those separately.

027eabb3-3937-42ff-9724-f9e0c8936774-0
00:22:08.600 --> 00:22:10.851
But yeah, all that to say is, you know,
like I said,

027eabb3-3937-42ff-9724-f9e0c8936774-1
00:22:10.851 --> 00:22:13.400
if your goal is to shock us and amuse us,
you've done that.

8e485196-cf20-447c-bda5-ec0f52bc2b31-0
00:22:13.400 --> 00:22:15.686
But if your goal is to get on the
shortlist,

8e485196-cf20-447c-bda5-ec0f52bc2b31-1
00:22:15.686 --> 00:22:18.480
then you have to deliver the satisfying
story as well.

a727d365-159d-4b57-af27-35d8cd85e937-0
00:22:18.800 --> 00:22:24.099
I think what Holly is going for in terms
of satisfaction here, the stories,

a727d365-159d-4b57-af27-35d8cd85e937-1
00:22:24.099 --> 00:22:26.400
the revenge fantasy angle, right?

97c1b827-7df8-4470-adea-c30453204fa5-0
00:22:26.440 --> 00:22:29.406
So we have,
which speaks to you personally again,

97c1b827-7df8-4470-adea-c30453204fa5-1
00:22:29.406 --> 00:22:34.213
but so we have a protagonist here who's
been abused as a child and she's seeking

97c1b827-7df8-4470-adea-c30453204fa5-2
00:22:34.213 --> 00:22:35.400
revenge, her abuser.

ba7976bc-0114-4d33-b801-e1f055eda4e3-0
00:22:36.000 --> 00:22:39.528
I think what might work against this for
me is, you know,

ba7976bc-0114-4d33-b801-e1f055eda4e3-1
00:22:39.528 --> 00:22:41.840
the unreality of the situation, right?

dbe77fa7-4c15-4da1-9d3a-b4854fe35388-0
00:22:41.840 --> 00:22:47.436
We have the murder forums and all of this
fun stuff get gets thrown into the story

dbe77fa7-4c15-4da1-9d3a-b4854fe35388-1
00:22:47.436 --> 00:22:50.875
that for me,
like detracts from the seriousness of

dbe77fa7-4c15-4da1-9d3a-b4854fe35388-2
00:22:50.875 --> 00:22:53.639
like the crime and the issue here, right?

75ade331-a66e-4c41-9b6e-33d8c99a68c1-0
00:22:53.640 --> 00:22:55.840
The issue of child molestation, let's say.

4b4635ed-6983-4745-a6f0-c4b1703108f2-0
00:22:56.480 --> 00:23:01.408
The other stuff kind of gets in the way
really of of us feeling connection to the

4b4635ed-6983-4745-a6f0-c4b1703108f2-1
00:23:01.408 --> 00:23:05.736
character and feeling like, oh,
we actually want her to to take him out

4b4635ed-6983-4745-a6f0-c4b1703108f2-2
00:23:05.736 --> 00:23:07.960
and do the thing and get her revenge.

364d9f32-7fee-4626-8852-1cfe07223d2d-0
00:23:08.000 --> 00:23:10.987
Well,
we talked in the shortlist episode when

364d9f32-7fee-4626-8852-1cfe07223d2d-1
00:23:10.987 --> 00:23:15.209
we were referring to the point story,
which was about, you know,

364d9f32-7fee-4626-8852-1cfe07223d2d-2
00:23:15.209 --> 00:23:20.080
sending off the John Travolta footage to
aliens and having their reaction.

451f2346-b989-4268-9685-faed2dedea73-0
00:23:20.360 --> 00:23:23.606
That in a comedy,
what can work is you've got the, you know,

451f2346-b989-4268-9685-faed2dedea73-1
00:23:23.606 --> 00:23:26.640
wild premise,
but everything else around that is normal.

b45c9dd0-850b-4b7d-9184-bf6a88a92f68-0
00:23:26.920 --> 00:23:28.800
Everything else around that feels real.

878ee603-c5ef-409e-9efb-3575c440a7a4-0
00:23:28.800 --> 00:23:32.360
And so it's contrasting to that wild
premise.

e0ae2a5c-480a-4619-8bdd-f1d6cee4c35c-0
00:23:32.360 --> 00:23:36.400
So we have here, it's all wild, you know,
from start to finish.

cbb235e1-7953-4466-aa17-a06329b4736e-0
00:23:36.400 --> 00:23:39.280
And there's sort of nothing to ground
that.

0244b626-aa1f-4be8-9cfd-c490ed8c41e8-0
00:23:39.280 --> 00:23:40.120
Yeah, for us.

ff5daa0c-9b2b-4051-8f1e-15d2d9d3ea50-0
00:23:40.120 --> 00:23:42.872
And I think that was a challenge for this
one,

ff5daa0c-9b2b-4051-8f1e-15d2d9d3ea50-1
00:23:42.872 --> 00:23:47.264
that we've got this very detached
homicidal woman here and we can't relate

ff5daa0c-9b2b-4051-8f1e-15d2d9d3ea50-2
00:23:47.264 --> 00:23:49.080
and we can't sort of empathise.

fb90cfdc-4475-4443-a4bc-db11455118b9-0
00:23:49.480 --> 00:23:51.798
And look,
you don't need to have someone who's like

fb90cfdc-4475-4443-a4bc-db11455118b9-1
00:23:51.798 --> 00:23:52.200
likeable.

f6ee1c2c-75a9-4c5f-81bf-4cd5bc769138-0
00:23:52.320 --> 00:23:56.088
Of course, we've talked before and,
and certainly in the last round of the

f6ee1c2c-75a9-4c5f-81bf-4cd5bc769138-1
00:23:56.088 --> 00:23:58.600
competition about villain protagonists
and so on.

c008dbdd-1d93-49a3-ae9f-0e8519ba1bf4-0
00:23:58.920 --> 00:24:00.760
It's more about getting into their head.

063170f8-bf8e-4285-989a-ef5bab499bf9-0
00:24:00.760 --> 00:24:04.537
But it's very difficult to get into the
head of someone who's so detached from

063170f8-bf8e-4285-989a-ef5bab499bf9-1
00:24:04.537 --> 00:24:04.920
reality.

f50d5d48-0b65-4af6-b855-fc28f03377d4-0
00:24:04.920 --> 00:24:05.760
Yeah, that's a good point.

0e1c020d-ca4b-4d43-9b83-250b3f335012-0
00:24:05.760 --> 00:24:08.245
I,
I guess I don't really feel in the way

0e1c020d-ca4b-4d43-9b83-250b3f335012-1
00:24:08.245 --> 00:24:11.440
that she acts that she's motivated by
what he's done.

fbc3870e-8ab7-40f2-a923-97d95bc843f8-0
00:24:11.440 --> 00:24:13.160
Like she's not angry about that.

ace45eac-16ff-4833-882c-cab59e66f2d8-0
00:24:13.160 --> 00:24:15.120
She's not like feeling that in that
moment.

e669d145-a02b-4d2a-afaf-9c9f916f857e-0
00:24:15.120 --> 00:24:18.840
She's kind of floating around being cool,
you know what I mean?

2a47e9e4-ec8b-4838-bc12-1cb5295eb9c1-0
00:24:19.480 --> 00:24:22.509
So I wonder, would like,
it may be an interesting thinking about,

2a47e9e4-ec8b-4838-bc12-1cb5295eb9c1-1
00:24:22.509 --> 00:24:23.840
like, how do you ground this?

3900c1ec-47bf-442e-a3a6-03e0db61de4e-0
00:24:23.920 --> 00:24:24.120
Yeah.

aeb61aa4-73de-47de-b770-0a978e00fc13-0
00:24:24.120 --> 00:24:28.415
That maybe we start off with that
protagonist who's like the vigilante,

aeb61aa4-73de-47de-b770-0a978e00fc13-1
00:24:28.415 --> 00:24:33.307
and then maybe she just breaks down and
is hit with those emotions and it becomes

aeb61aa4-73de-47de-b770-0a978e00fc13-2
00:24:33.307 --> 00:24:34.680
real for a moment even.

3ba79c80-0365-415f-bdc5-aa56b8d89607-0
00:24:34.760 --> 00:24:36.080
Look, there's always options.

1f4e4bef-a31e-4c79-b31c-b97eef5fab8e-0
00:24:36.080 --> 00:24:38.360
And it comes down to what the author
wants to do.

06b98c7f-d420-4132-8dc4-36c5537a84ae-0
00:24:38.640 --> 00:24:42.235
I think the point here is,
And it comes to the emotional resonance

06b98c7f-d420-4132-8dc4-36c5537a84ae-1
00:24:42.235 --> 00:24:43.040
side of things.

5270037c-e739-4a9f-b62e-8e82559ac988-0
00:24:43.040 --> 00:24:47.407
And speaking for myself,
I did not find this to be an emotionally

5270037c-e739-4a9f-b62e-8e82559ac988-1
00:24:47.407 --> 00:24:48.400
resonant story.

fd55ed30-fa18-4d5a-a7d8-a9aa875d6076-0
00:24:48.720 --> 00:24:51.499
And you know,
I've come to this realisation more

fd55ed30-fa18-4d5a-a7d8-a9aa875d6076-1
00:24:51.499 --> 00:24:54.278
recently,
and this is in conversation with other

fd55ed30-fa18-4d5a-a7d8-a9aa875d6076-2
00:24:54.278 --> 00:24:57.966
writers who I talk to,
who I beat beta read for and so on, that,

fd55ed30-fa18-4d5a-a7d8-a9aa875d6076-3
00:24:57.966 --> 00:25:00.518
you know,
I'm quite fixated on the emotional

fd55ed30-fa18-4d5a-a7d8-a9aa875d6076-4
00:25:00.518 --> 00:25:01.880
experience of the story.

ed55f7a4-2b6a-4836-b962-ff409fa72f3c-0
00:25:01.880 --> 00:25:05.160
I'm aware of that about myself when I'm
critiquing stories.

db90aa7c-aefc-4304-b395-739523ffa80b-0
00:25:05.320 --> 00:25:07.120
But I think there's two ways of going
about things.

ead0974c-65fa-4dc6-bd8e-2fe3b224d0bd-0
00:25:07.120 --> 00:25:10.240
And one is emotional resonance and a
story that moves you,

ead0974c-65fa-4dc6-bd8e-2fe3b224d0bd-1
00:25:10.240 --> 00:25:11.880
and the other is entertainment.

ea67a39c-a468-42eb-b0d1-6d68dd249a43-0
00:25:12.360 --> 00:25:15.240
And I don't think those two things
necessarily need to crossover.

524a74df-4533-45ac-b966-51a1659729aa-0
00:25:15.240 --> 00:25:16.280
It's great when they do.

3a9b71ec-1a9f-4131-9619-f2aece43c8e5-0
00:25:16.720 --> 00:25:18.640
That can lift something even higher.

88a35bf2-726e-4683-be92-957ca7a1b83e-0
00:25:18.640 --> 00:25:22.546
But it is OK for a story to just be
really, really entertaining,

88a35bf2-726e-4683-be92-957ca7a1b83e-1
00:25:22.546 --> 00:25:27.054
just like it might be OK for a Netflix
show or whatever to just be really,

88a35bf2-726e-4683-be92-957ca7a1b83e-2
00:25:27.054 --> 00:25:30.000
really entertaining and not particularly
moving.

1e9f94f8-b25e-4aca-a0a7-15909e64a9e7-0
00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:33.393
And I would say that this story is,
as it stands,

1e9f94f8-b25e-4aca-a0a7-15909e64a9e7-1
00:25:33.393 --> 00:25:36.720
is leaning towards entertainment,
which is fine.

acd0e181-06e0-4720-aa39-28d95e648d6a-0
00:25:36.760 --> 00:25:40.600
But I think if you're going for
entertainment, then it's a challenge.

ade78d7d-cf76-458a-97ee-9badc9f2b5f2-0
00:25:40.600 --> 00:25:43.534
If you're introducing these sort of
deeper themes,

ade78d7d-cf76-458a-97ee-9badc9f2b5f2-1
00:25:43.534 --> 00:25:47.849
I don't think you can just gloss over
them and just expect the audience to

ade78d7d-cf76-458a-97ee-9badc9f2b5f2-2
00:25:47.849 --> 00:25:49.000
gloss over them too.

0dbe0da2-6f6a-4a91-b7b4-0b11665ce83c-0
00:25:49.520 --> 00:25:51.640
I think they need to be addressed.

de633780-20af-4023-aab5-f5fc1f18f5ad-0
00:25:51.640 --> 00:25:53.480
It's like we talked about hanging a
Lantern.

0d2687f1-a5dd-49ea-9fc6-f3685dd7ddca-0
00:25:53.480 --> 00:25:57.205
We talked about that in previous episodes,
hanging a Lantern on something and

0d2687f1-a5dd-49ea-9fc6-f3685dd7ddca-1
00:25:57.205 --> 00:25:58.400
there's no lanterns here.

2aab42ff-4703-4061-acba-fdf90b712a5c-0
00:25:58.400 --> 00:26:01.192
We're just,
we're just getting this sort of wild

2aab42ff-4703-4061-acba-fdf90b712a5c-1
00:26:01.192 --> 00:26:04.840
premise and it's just rolling along
almost without us in a way.

e9b21429-e22a-40cb-8794-3531b617371d-0
00:26:05.160 --> 00:26:07.280
We're not following the action.

ae901919-e72d-493e-b972-693100f60f0a-0
00:26:07.280 --> 00:26:10.510
We're sort of left behind a little bit
because we're still waiting to kind of

ae901919-e72d-493e-b972-693100f60f0a-1
00:26:10.510 --> 00:26:10.800
get it.

5c8d7d5e-f295-426a-820c-cd06777f2912-0
00:26:10.880 --> 00:26:15.464
I think if you're going to write an an
entertaining story as opposed to an

5c8d7d5e-f295-426a-820c-cd06777f2912-1
00:26:15.464 --> 00:26:19.560
emotionally resonant story,
then that's when you really need these

5c8d7d5e-f295-426a-820c-cd06777f2912-2
00:26:19.560 --> 00:26:24.389
things like the building drama and the
high stakes and the punchy dialogue and

5c8d7d5e-f295-426a-820c-cd06777f2912-3
00:26:24.389 --> 00:26:28.240
all of these other things that lean into
a entertaining story.

882d8ad6-de00-4ccc-881d-b1adca5bf990-0
00:26:28.640 --> 00:26:33.228
And in this case, like you said, Ed,
the story kind of starts with a bang and

882d8ad6-de00-4ccc-881d-b1adca5bf990-1
00:26:33.228 --> 00:26:35.640
then we don't really escalate from there.

39cab516-6ead-44df-ad71-4fb502e61030-0
00:26:35.640 --> 00:26:38.279
And I think you need to,
I think it sort of needs to build and

39cab516-6ead-44df-ad71-4fb502e61030-1
00:26:38.279 --> 00:26:41.672
build and build and then kind of leave us
with a little bit of a surprise at the

39cab516-6ead-44df-ad71-4fb502e61030-2
00:26:41.672 --> 00:26:41.840
end.

21a1f6fb-6369-4981-a93a-788418d3e722-0
00:26:42.360 --> 00:26:46.277
You can escalate from **** to like,
I don't know where you escalate from

21a1f6fb-6369-4981-a93a-788418d3e722-1
00:26:46.277 --> 00:26:46.600
there.

0b5412eb-a033-4f51-83ce-2ec4c162f55b-0
00:26:46.600 --> 00:26:48.160
That's that's one problem.

f8502591-fffd-418e-a262-d7c05a10ba01-0
00:26:48.160 --> 00:26:52.040
Like you can only go into challenging
Holly to escalate from these first.

3e30d321-8118-43d0-8929-84c51d60dc47-0
00:26:52.120 --> 00:26:56.437
Well, well, we go from ***** to farts,
which I think is probably a step back

3e30d321-8118-43d0-8929-84c51d60dc47-1
00:26:56.437 --> 00:26:58.120
really in terms of the humour.

5d41461a-7836-43c1-b3a1-e3541dd086b4-0
00:26:58.120 --> 00:27:03.580
Like we start from the bottom, but like,
I think we have to go in a different

5d41461a-7836-43c1-b3a1-e3541dd086b4-1
00:27:03.580 --> 00:27:04.280
direction.

80b2bbea-861f-4ee6-b93a-b477aa1f2aa3-0
00:27:04.280 --> 00:27:06.560
We have to,
we have to end in a different place to

80b2bbea-861f-4ee6-b93a-b477aa1f2aa3-1
00:27:06.560 --> 00:27:07.320
where we started.

9478bde2-5df5-49cb-9cd2-5740cae14b58-0
00:27:07.320 --> 00:27:08.640
And I don't think we really do.

3c529300-956e-4711-8143-868695910322-0
00:27:08.640 --> 00:27:11.177
No, I mean,
this story doesn't really have a turning

3c529300-956e-4711-8143-868695910322-1
00:27:11.177 --> 00:27:11.800
point, right?

93746d19-2a3c-4d26-9c6b-058cf0d41cf9-0
00:27:11.800 --> 00:27:14.734
Like, you know,
if you look at a classic story structure,

93746d19-2a3c-4d26-9c6b-058cf0d41cf9-1
00:27:14.734 --> 00:27:18.325
we have the midpoint and sort of
something is revealed at the midpoint

93746d19-2a3c-4d26-9c6b-058cf0d41cf9-2
00:27:18.325 --> 00:27:22.069
that kind of reframes everything or
pushes us towards the climax in a way

93746d19-2a3c-4d26-9c6b-058cf0d41cf9-3
00:27:22.069 --> 00:27:23.839
that wasn't there in the beginning.

df9575b5-b388-4343-aff3-7b6536ee58e1-0
00:27:23.840 --> 00:27:26.948
And in this story,
we don't really have a turning point

df9575b5-b388-4343-aff3-7b6536ee58e1-1
00:27:26.948 --> 00:27:29.280
where it shifts from one thing to another.

21853eed-a641-4834-8ff2-273be5d4fbb9-0
00:27:29.880 --> 00:27:33.523
So having said all that,
I do like the way that these characters

21853eed-a641-4834-8ff2-273be5d4fbb9-1
00:27:33.523 --> 00:27:37.840
back stories come through in the dialogue
without a whole lot of exposition.

7e951c11-23e7-4744-b5ea-aa1adb2f679b-0
00:27:38.240 --> 00:27:41.040
You make a good point that we're on the
entertainment side, right?

e84fa0bf-6ca7-4f43-b44c-eeb87a6d192d-0
00:27:41.040 --> 00:27:46.028
So we're not getting into the emotional
side necessarily of what this situation

e84fa0bf-6ca7-4f43-b44c-eeb87a6d192d-1
00:27:46.028 --> 00:27:49.208
is, but still,
I feel these characters could use a

e84fa0bf-6ca7-4f43-b44c-eeb87a6d192d-2
00:27:49.208 --> 00:27:51.640
little bit more dimensionality to them.

be7a2f35-85db-455f-9c82-52edc24b848a-0
00:27:52.040 --> 00:27:56.182
And when you talk about entertainment,
I think back to Zombie Babe by Louise,

be7a2f35-85db-455f-9c82-52edc24b848a-1
00:27:56.182 --> 00:27:58.520
which was a winning story a few rounds
ago.

3926e281-0f98-49c1-88f6-af28527492e2-0
00:27:58.840 --> 00:28:02.473
And that was an entertaining story,
like start to finish, funny, hit,

3926e281-0f98-49c1-88f6-af28527492e2-1
00:28:02.473 --> 00:28:03.200
all the notes.

291e0319-2ea1-4c57-9f06-a5c45ec64548-0
00:28:03.200 --> 00:28:06.720
But it also did reveal so much of its
characters.

554b73fe-a5c1-4f37-8c96-abc60b4842cb-0
00:28:07.240 --> 00:28:09.040
It had those movie references.

994a58ed-e86b-4fda-a75e-e6284ca8d5c6-0
00:28:09.040 --> 00:28:12.280
It had like the relationship references,
the insecurities.

62080094-17f9-4ac9-97c5-ade1bbb93ca0-0
00:28:12.640 --> 00:28:15.560
All of that stuff came through in every
beat that it hit.

965a07e5-5899-49c5-a21c-18cd00761d0c-0
00:28:15.880 --> 00:28:19.622
We don't really get much in this
relationship apart from just the fact

965a07e5-5899-49c5-a21c-18cd00761d0c-1
00:28:19.622 --> 00:28:22.680
that there was that earlier abuse like
that is mentioned.

b7eebebf-3615-43b7-8296-35d9b966c8ed-0
00:28:22.800 --> 00:28:26.693
And then we kind of move on to the
logistics of how she's trying to kill

b7eebebf-3615-43b7-8296-35d9b966c8ed-1
00:28:26.693 --> 00:28:28.720
this guy, but it's not really working.

a96a788b-6d55-41a9-bef6-19b9c9f67739-0
00:28:28.760 --> 00:28:31.763
And at the same time,
while it's not really working,

a96a788b-6d55-41a9-bef6-19b9c9f67739-1
00:28:31.763 --> 00:28:36.410
we don't really get the impression that
there is a real major obstacle for her to

a96a788b-6d55-41a9-bef6-19b9c9f67739-2
00:28:36.410 --> 00:28:36.920
overcome.

7b7b7bf3-00c2-4d20-80e7-e94e61f314d8-0
00:28:37.320 --> 00:28:42.450
We start off with the fact that she's
pretty much got him where she wants him,

7b7b7bf3-00c2-4d20-80e7-e94e61f314d8-1
00:28:42.450 --> 00:28:42.840
right?

51730b92-cca7-4b56-997a-eec3e5bee943-0
00:28:42.840 --> 00:28:46.726
And she's got some issues with, like,
everything playing out the way she wants

51730b92-cca7-4b56-997a-eec3e5bee943-1
00:28:46.726 --> 00:28:47.760
it to and it doesn't.

3806bf37-97da-416b-b66c-83bed7a2e51b-0
00:28:48.160 --> 00:28:51.000
But we don't get the the feeling it's not
going to work out.

b0212363-19fc-4d39-93f9-f513da0adff7-0
00:28:51.040 --> 00:28:51.200
Yeah.

8ad3407f-859d-46b5-a41f-b45cb98e6120-0
00:28:51.240 --> 00:28:53.715
I mean,
he sort of knocks her over at one point,

8ad3407f-859d-46b5-a41f-b45cb98e6120-1
00:28:53.715 --> 00:28:56.292
but she immediately stands up again,
He calls out,

8ad3407f-859d-46b5-a41f-b45cb98e6120-2
00:28:56.292 --> 00:28:57.960
but there's no one there to hear.

23712b4b-fd0d-411a-8a75-3263f530065f-0
00:28:58.240 --> 00:29:00.316
So yeah,
like these moments that could have

23712b4b-fd0d-411a-8a75-3263f530065f-1
00:29:00.316 --> 00:29:03.243
dramatic potential,
that dramatic potential is kind of ripped

23712b4b-fd0d-411a-8a75-3263f530065f-2
00:29:03.243 --> 00:29:05.320
away because they don't have a
consequence.

a8715883-31d2-44c5-8ba4-bd0136737f59-0
00:29:05.320 --> 00:29:07.848
Now,
I guess a bigger piece of feedback about

a8715883-31d2-44c5-8ba4-bd0136737f59-1
00:29:07.848 --> 00:29:11.969
this story that I think I would apply to
quite a few of the stories that I

a8715883-31d2-44c5-8ba4-bd0136737f59-2
00:29:11.969 --> 00:29:16.201
received this round in Team Amanda is
that it feels a little bit more like a

a8715883-31d2-44c5-8ba4-bd0136737f59-3
00:29:16.201 --> 00:29:17.960
sequence of events than a story.

0a6abc4e-fcd1-4fa4-998a-19fb29d6f925-0
00:29:17.960 --> 00:29:20.080
So things are happening one after the
other.

36cbebe5-3e0b-47c6-835c-87c476f225b5-0
00:29:20.440 --> 00:29:21.720
But we've talked about dominoes.

ec044f1c-d5ad-434e-bf66-67bae688d8a8-0
00:29:21.720 --> 00:29:25.926
I did bring them up in the long List
episode that one thing is not causing the

ec044f1c-d5ad-434e-bf66-67bae688d8a8-1
00:29:25.926 --> 00:29:29.440
next, so when that story opens,
we're already in the midst of it.

fbae04b6-a4c7-4cd2-96b2-def401fc6979-0
00:29:29.440 --> 00:29:32.841
But from there,
Mia's behaviour does not cause a reaction

fbae04b6-a4c7-4cd2-96b2-def401fc6979-1
00:29:32.841 --> 00:29:37.064
in Jeff that then causes an action from
Mia that then causes a reaction

fbae04b6-a4c7-4cd2-96b2-def401fc6979-2
00:29:37.064 --> 00:29:39.880
throughout the story to build towards a
climax.

3de4c5a1-3c7c-475b-8f94-c2f6a0f33013-0
00:29:39.880 --> 00:29:41.200
So things are just happening.

eead96af-9e34-4b0e-8f6b-79153a4c47b7-0
00:29:41.200 --> 00:29:45.308
He's slipping around,
then he says help and then he pulls her

eead96af-9e34-4b0e-8f6b-79153a4c47b7-1
00:29:45.308 --> 00:29:45.640
over.

c8e5b2dd-3ca5-466f-b471-f3cef64e5f5e-0
00:29:45.640 --> 00:29:48.651
But when he pulls her over,
nothing happens because he pulled her

c8e5b2dd-3ca5-466f-b471-f3cef64e5f5e-1
00:29:48.651 --> 00:29:48.880
over.

2e4d8167-f6ff-4777-898f-5d5d19f8873e-0
00:29:49.040 --> 00:29:53.908
And an example of more of a domino effect
would be that he pulls her over and she

2e4d8167-f6ff-4777-898f-5d5d19f8873e-1
00:29:53.908 --> 00:29:58.361
slips and then as a result of slipping,
she sees something on the ceiling,

2e4d8167-f6ff-4777-898f-5d5d19f8873e-2
00:29:58.361 --> 00:30:00.440
you know, because she slipped over.

51157cb2-6122-47d2-86d7-ccd544479fad-0
00:30:00.440 --> 00:30:04.956
And then as a result of that,
she does something else or he pulls her

51157cb2-6122-47d2-86d7-ccd544479fad-1
00:30:04.956 --> 00:30:07.280
over and he starts to overpower her.

bea41d3e-6635-4569-99f1-6e86e451ca4b-0
00:30:07.280 --> 00:30:11.731
And then they have this interaction where
it takes her right back to the days when

bea41d3e-6635-4569-99f1-6e86e451ca4b-1
00:30:11.731 --> 00:30:15.914
he abused her, and all of a sudden,
she's not in power anymore and she's that

bea41d3e-6635-4569-99f1-6e86e451ca4b-2
00:30:15.914 --> 00:30:16.879
little girl again.

97e0f2bf-f136-48e9-abb2-aa47e9869650-0
00:30:16.880 --> 00:30:18.760
And then as a result of that,
something happens.

1cf4343f-df09-4c21-a136-187c6a5bf6d2-0
00:30:18.760 --> 00:30:21.028
Like,
these are options and probably more

1cf4343f-df09-4c21-a136-187c6a5bf6d2-1
00:30:21.028 --> 00:30:23.459
dramatic than the story calls for,
you know,

1cf4343f-df09-4c21-a136-187c6a5bf6d2-2
00:30:23.459 --> 00:30:26.159
which is meant to be this kind of comedy,
really.

075f754b-e105-4ad4-a9e1-69ddbbbb3b23-0
00:30:26.520 --> 00:30:26.880
Yeah.

5a0c2f87-98b6-459e-badf-d937112e9fa7-0
00:30:26.880 --> 00:30:31.153
Like, I hope it's clear what I'm saying,
that we kind of need the events to flow

5a0c2f87-98b6-459e-badf-d937112e9fa7-1
00:30:31.153 --> 00:30:34.160
from each other and not just be happening
in a sequence.

91a41441-f0dc-4ad8-811b-4a76a85d6324-0
00:30:34.600 --> 00:30:35.400
Yeah, look, I agree.

efd0bdec-4a89-41fb-a8c4-93f68cbbe8ae-0
00:30:35.400 --> 00:30:39.274
And I think that there's another resource
that you have to leverage here,

efd0bdec-4a89-41fb-a8c4-93f68cbbe8ae-1
00:30:39.274 --> 00:30:42.520
and that's the forums that she's
referring to for her advice.

1e1a660e-66a1-49df-bd84-44f28f77641c-0
00:30:42.520 --> 00:30:45.840
And I don't feel that that's really paid
off that well in the story.

bc48513f-6e37-4d3a-8a22-986661f645a7-0
00:30:45.840 --> 00:30:48.120
Like, yeah,
they're almost her cheer squad,

bc48513f-6e37-4d3a-8a22-986661f645a7-1
00:30:48.120 --> 00:30:49.520
like the whole way through.

d3ada596-69ec-401a-ad68-b077d0c148f4-0
00:30:49.520 --> 00:30:51.840
They're like, yeah, you know,
go queen kind of thing.

542b9375-eab1-40c2-96cd-d42e9c2375ff-0
00:30:51.840 --> 00:30:52.080
Yeah.

8466a337-77b4-41da-b8f1-fb0fda2596d4-0
00:30:52.280 --> 00:30:54.954
I mean,
that that was a question that was raised

8466a337-77b4-41da-b8f1-fb0fda2596d4-1
00:30:54.954 --> 00:30:59.320
in some of the initial comments on this
story was basically, why is that there?

aef6e1d1-188b-442e-8e9a-f232c8c749eb-0
00:30:59.480 --> 00:30:59.600
Yeah.

1e523e4d-68fb-49de-b38b-b5436555ba59-0
00:30:59.600 --> 00:31:01.400
Like, why is she going on these forums?

c519dda8-ef38-42ea-89e1-cf2caaa8cdae-0
00:31:01.400 --> 00:31:03.886
And of course,
Vigilante **** is the name of the forum

c519dda8-ef38-42ea-89e1-cf2caaa8cdae-1
00:31:03.886 --> 00:31:04.520
that she's on.

ebd83968-110e-4350-b1d1-82d8dd1098a4-0
00:31:04.920 --> 00:31:06.360
But as you say, it's not really paid off.

3a955674-b7bc-4066-9ebe-6d29229613bb-0
00:31:06.360 --> 00:31:09.595
Like it's there,
but it doesn't have a consequential

3a955674-b7bc-4066-9ebe-6d29229613bb-1
00:31:09.595 --> 00:31:11.000
reason for being there.

16f0ab22-f99d-4ea0-a29d-9c9b2e6a1b1e-0
00:31:11.440 --> 00:31:14.141
And it needs to,
especially because it's given so much of

16f0ab22-f99d-4ea0-a29d-9c9b2e6a1b1e-1
00:31:14.141 --> 00:31:14.840
the word count.

03290e35-cd5d-40a3-a3cc-3baba8f93614-0
00:31:15.320 --> 00:31:16.800
That's the thing with this story.

8400bea9-3885-454e-a9c8-269ed1e61320-0
00:31:16.800 --> 00:31:21.098
And we talk about it being satisfying or
whatever that there's all these pieces,

8400bea9-3885-454e-a9c8-269ed1e61320-1
00:31:21.098 --> 00:31:24.760
but they're not really coming together as
a whole, a cohesive whole.

0aa05f5f-b664-41f9-8313-e4416204d9b7-0
00:31:24.760 --> 00:31:30.430
They are just coexisting and I guess it's
about structuring it so that you're

0aa05f5f-b664-41f9-8313-e4416204d9b7-1
00:31:30.430 --> 00:31:33.920
delivering a specific message with all of
that.

e126e5fe-a929-444c-b2ed-15ff0f6515cd-0
00:31:33.920 --> 00:31:36.255
Like I mentioned earlier, the snail,
you know,

e126e5fe-a929-444c-b2ed-15ff0f6515cd-1
00:31:36.255 --> 00:31:40.132
we've got the snail over here and we've
got the forum here and we've got the,

e126e5fe-a929-444c-b2ed-15ff0f6515cd-2
00:31:40.132 --> 00:31:42.517
you know,
if people are familiar with the break

e126e5fe-a929-444c-b2ed-15ff0f6515cd-3
00:31:42.517 --> 00:31:44.903
dancing moves,
a couple of those with the forum

e126e5fe-a929-444c-b2ed-15ff0f6515cd-4
00:31:44.903 --> 00:31:45.399
usernames.

5b4378fa-da4b-4dbd-ac00-fdf67dc154a5-0
00:31:45.400 --> 00:31:50.161
So that's good fun and that's a really
creative and interesting use of that

5b4378fa-da4b-4dbd-ac00-fdf67dc154a5-1
00:31:50.161 --> 00:31:50.600
prompt.

c0303632-e9a0-4562-ab94-aba880aa8bea-0
00:31:50.600 --> 00:31:52.240
So it's a tick on that front.

87cace49-3165-4476-a214-86c66fc92f9e-0
00:31:52.400 --> 00:31:55.173
And I do, of course,
love her own forum name,

87cace49-3165-4476-a214-86c66fc92f9e-1
00:31:55.173 --> 00:31:56.440
which is Pose Poison.

28020bcd-94ea-4257-88ff-3c45bb3fe580-0
00:31:56.440 --> 00:31:58.000
I do have to point that out.

cde96720-b6d1-4b8c-9527-42ac5f33d81a-0
00:31:58.400 --> 00:32:01.036
But yeah,
like I think thinking a little bit more

cde96720-b6d1-4b8c-9527-42ac5f33d81a-1
00:32:01.036 --> 00:32:04.200
strategically about, well,
why are all these elements here?

a82a23a7-6af8-4547-a736-f47f1f708a87-0
00:32:04.200 --> 00:32:08.069
And almost to the point of like,
if I removed that element,

a82a23a7-6af8-4547-a736-f47f1f708a87-1
00:32:08.069 --> 00:32:10.520
it would ruin the story kind of thing.

3d826adf-65f0-49ef-8372-35b6c601a798-0
00:32:10.520 --> 00:32:14.804
And I'm not sure that any of those are
intrinsic to the story, but they could be,

3d826adf-65f0-49ef-8372-35b6c601a798-1
00:32:14.804 --> 00:32:18.200
you could absolutely make any of them
intrinsic to to the story.

82d9a4c5-d708-4938-b0e2-5265f79d0a71-0
00:32:18.200 --> 00:32:19.560
It's about like paying it off.

a528a02e-4698-4049-a14c-666ed71f5804-0
00:32:19.960 --> 00:32:22.960
But in terms of like some good stuff that
we've got going on here.

4d42af60-1464-4067-8c1a-c31582c7f4dd-0
00:32:23.200 --> 00:32:24.640
I really love some of these.

c3672afe-552b-4e8c-98fd-332d2cb64bc8-0
00:32:24.760 --> 00:32:25.760
I mean, they're horrible.

e3c0cb86-937b-4ac9-b3c5-c22da94695f6-0
00:32:25.760 --> 00:32:30.800
But some of these visuals like he extends
his **** stained hands and supplication.

8533b04e-4b66-4e3f-9ca5-337ac2d08b9c-0
00:32:31.120 --> 00:32:33.840
It's just such a visceral kind of image.

48807a79-a39a-42c8-b6ea-22fef15f552f-0
00:32:33.840 --> 00:32:37.372
And certainly obviously those opening
lines as well, like **** sliding away,

48807a79-a39a-42c8-b6ea-22fef15f552f-1
00:32:37.372 --> 00:32:39.849
the smeared faecal matter he dragged
himself through,

48807a79-a39a-42c8-b6ea-22fef15f552f-2
00:32:39.849 --> 00:32:41.960
trailing like mucin across the kitchen
tiles.

ca18936f-1edf-4ac7-9348-9198229ddd11-0
00:32:41.960 --> 00:32:44.920
Like,
that's so disgusting and so wonderful.

d2bc874d-410a-4ccb-9d12-87acf4f91e80-0
00:32:45.400 --> 00:32:50.322
And so I think that Holly has a really
artful use of these words to her evil

d2bc874d-410a-4ccb-9d12-87acf4f91e80-1
00:32:50.322 --> 00:32:52.880
ends, and I support that wholeheartedly.

1e566363-eac4-4d1d-a9d6-4c1e5117eed6-0
00:32:52.880 --> 00:32:56.080
I have to say, yeah,
we move into this ending scene because

1e566363-eac4-4d1d-a9d6-4c1e5117eed6-1
00:32:56.080 --> 00:32:58.000
she says, like, it's time to end it.

9d6d7065-6883-487a-a7af-ff4897d7777d-0
00:32:58.080 --> 00:33:01.640
And what she's overcoming in that moment
is her gag reflex.

4094b26c-b4b2-4f19-a800-607e73eddd90-0
00:33:01.720 --> 00:33:03.989
In fact,
the fact that it's gotten way too messy

4094b26c-b4b2-4f19-a800-607e73eddd90-1
00:33:03.989 --> 00:33:04.360
for her.

73b756b6-82b0-43a1-a073-f16aad0a54ae-0
00:33:04.800 --> 00:33:07.210
We've got **** we've got blood,
we've got farts,

73b756b6-82b0-43a1-a073-f16aad0a54ae-1
00:33:07.210 --> 00:33:09.720
all other bodily fluids floating around
the place.

5e5a283b-3764-4bd7-bc17-bd5696ad53a2-0
00:33:10.320 --> 00:33:13.080
The impact,
the emotion that comes through in the end.

9e6addbb-7e08-4953-a4e1-f514bc622306-0
00:33:13.080 --> 00:33:18.440
What Holly's relying on to sell the story
is that idea of revenge.

dabfcc40-2692-4845-926a-bc9342d59cc4-0
00:33:18.440 --> 00:33:18.760
Yeah.

e825ec2c-2be2-430f-a809-3dfb05115584-0
00:33:18.840 --> 00:33:22.200
Which, you know,
when we say bring your real emotion to

e825ec2c-2be2-430f-a809-3dfb05115584-1
00:33:22.200 --> 00:33:25.560
the forefront in your stories,
I think Holly has, like,

e825ec2c-2be2-430f-a809-3dfb05115584-2
00:33:25.560 --> 00:33:28.560
bringing that frustration,
that deep frustration.

c80cfd5e-b5ad-4114-8892-d9774fd456c4-0
00:33:28.560 --> 00:33:31.010
And like,
Holly has made the long list before but

c80cfd5e-b5ad-4114-8892-d9774fd456c4-1
00:33:31.010 --> 00:33:32.480
hasn't made the shortlist yet.

1fb2fe96-12e2-4dab-b157-f618e098db0a-0
00:33:32.840 --> 00:33:36.612
And really just ramping it up like
thinking about like,

1fb2fe96-12e2-4dab-b157-f618e098db0a-1
00:33:36.612 --> 00:33:41.261
what more do you want from me kind of
thing and delivering powerful,

1fb2fe96-12e2-4dab-b157-f618e098db0a-2
00:33:41.261 --> 00:33:45.640
visceral and very visual and disgusting
piece of work, you know,

1fb2fe96-12e2-4dab-b157-f618e098db0a-3
00:33:45.640 --> 00:33:46.920
and I applaud that.

479ac636-43dc-4d13-89fd-ce230320c74f-0
00:33:46.920 --> 00:33:47.680
I think that's great.

1bfce7bd-21bb-40a0-a3ec-2cd83ba450d0-0
00:33:47.680 --> 00:33:48.720
Like, absolutely.

4456a8f8-fe30-4802-ac3b-8c00ea2a88ec-0
00:33:48.720 --> 00:33:50.760
Bring us what you're feeling.

54c8d032-2d0d-44f7-b300-f2264b610cf8-0
00:33:50.760 --> 00:33:55.020
And just because this particular story
didn't quite land for some of the reasons

54c8d032-2d0d-44f7-b300-f2264b610cf8-1
00:33:55.020 --> 00:33:58.440
that we've mentioned doesn't mean it
wasn't the right way to go.

f75d15d1-7b29-4559-8ece-8258d04e2744-0
00:33:58.440 --> 00:34:01.659
I think, you know,
we've read several of Holly's stories now

f75d15d1-7b29-4559-8ece-8258d04e2744-1
00:34:01.659 --> 00:34:04.720
for everyone to enjoy,
and I think we did all enjoy them.

8e5bad84-6cf8-4da9-82c4-efa8ddd90bd9-0
00:34:04.720 --> 00:34:05.000
Right.

6548c01c-a49c-4e2a-8921-eaacbbdf572e-0
00:34:05.000 --> 00:34:07.520
Some of Holly's stories are the most
memorable.

06ae0899-3b7b-4ac8-a856-ef82e61a04ff-0
00:34:07.640 --> 00:34:07.880
Yeah.

ce75b023-8651-4cd4-9151-4ab579ffc6a6-0
00:34:07.880 --> 00:34:09.760
So like, is that not worth it?

acac35a5-d487-4aff-a8ea-f566aa416f96-0
00:34:10.040 --> 00:34:10.560
Yeah.

cee5d419-54ae-4336-b7e0-15d0b194eb1b-0
00:34:10.560 --> 00:34:13.251
You know, something in itself,
I said on social media,

cee5d419-54ae-4336-b7e0-15d0b194eb1b-1
00:34:13.251 --> 00:34:14.720
Holly's the people's Princess.

5432fc4e-3f7a-4554-9a7a-fd94502aeaf9-0
00:34:15.120 --> 00:34:15.960
And this is the thing.

eaff0805-4f54-4ecb-99a7-c928b8965119-0
00:34:15.960 --> 00:34:18.240
Like, that's a good way to be as well.

de6419a8-5209-45e7-baac-db12be793bc7-0
00:34:18.240 --> 00:34:21.320
You know,
you can be the one who brings the chaos.

fd356fba-7d9e-40d5-880b-c91b73967eb9-0
00:34:21.760 --> 00:34:26.560
And that is a very exciting and fun and
joyful thing to bring to the competition.

bfc04207-f634-4e18-bfb1-8d9cc9595cc9-0
00:34:26.560 --> 00:34:30.640
So I just want to highlight that and say
that I appreciate it every single time.

28e42b9b-dac0-4eda-87c9-ab61ce60f7f4-0
00:34:30.640 --> 00:34:32.920
So it's not all about the pointy trophy.

2a0d8b58-8ba0-4b73-95f5-fff2fce68c98-0
00:34:32.920 --> 00:34:37.148
And I know it can feel like that because
what Holly is probably really searching

2a0d8b58-8ba0-4b73-95f5-fff2fce68c98-1
00:34:37.148 --> 00:34:39.080
for is not the prizes and the trophy.

fd6e2c02-2b82-4382-9e24-6c4f5eb32211-0
00:34:39.080 --> 00:34:40.480
I'm sure they're up on that list.

f4ad95da-e685-477b-8501-df514e62c2d8-0
00:34:40.480 --> 00:34:43.553
But as we mentioned before,
the validation, right,

f4ad95da-e685-477b-8501-df514e62c2d8-1
00:34:43.553 --> 00:34:44.880
I want to be up there.

b90475d6-41a1-4e6d-93e8-2055c40bf66f-0
00:34:44.880 --> 00:34:47.200
Tell me I'm good enough as a writer.

4a2939d5-4c55-4d9d-81e9-0a37ff10beb0-0
00:34:47.280 --> 00:34:49.400
And I want to say that you are good
enough.

4e67fce7-524a-4ee2-bc7b-675bd4f70ef9-0
00:34:49.840 --> 00:34:52.705
And as you mentioned yourself in your
comments,

4e67fce7-524a-4ee2-bc7b-675bd4f70ef9-1
00:34:52.705 --> 00:34:57.480
that it is subjective and there are a lot
of other great writers and there are.

2b9a20d3-a886-45ae-9deb-3f1c65c34f2d-0
00:34:57.600 --> 00:34:59.829
And, you know,
sometimes it's their turn and sometimes

2b9a20d3-a886-45ae-9deb-3f1c65c34f2d-1
00:34:59.829 --> 00:35:00.640
it's not their turn.

0a45c115-f580-4936-b579-7f68a45aa7ae-0
00:35:01.200 --> 00:35:06.274
We had Athena LAW this round come back
for a second bite of the 1st place cherry,

0a45c115-f580-4936-b579-7f68a45aa7ae-1
00:35:06.274 --> 00:35:08.440
which is very wonderful for Athena.

9e096761-645e-4c01-b302-d1d4dabc3758-0
00:35:08.440 --> 00:35:11.320
But there have been rounds when Athena
failed to longlist as well.

77879d55-10c6-4f89-b9fc-2724616a477e-0
00:35:11.320 --> 00:35:14.440
So this isn't just you are good enough or
you are not.

6289eafd-09ae-4378-ac17-1c4d0e8df66b-0
00:35:14.440 --> 00:35:16.520
This is like you bring us a story.

5e18a6b3-38ac-4cbe-b8ee-bac838b5a098-0
00:35:16.800 --> 00:35:20.280
Each story has its own strengths,
weaknesses, challenges,

5e18a6b3-38ac-4cbe-b8ee-bac838b5a098-1
00:35:20.280 --> 00:35:22.320
opportunities that we can look at.

9607ccab-7c0f-4439-8be3-680096bd9098-0
00:35:22.360 --> 00:35:24.800
And, you know,
that's where good beta readers come in.

c1a36823-bf14-4e09-b011-ece5e71e36f7-0
00:35:24.800 --> 00:35:27.480
And I know Holly does have beta readers
as well.

d6f0d190-e153-41ee-9dec-3452ce8085d0-0
00:35:27.720 --> 00:35:30.480
And all just dragging each other up,
basically.

203db5d5-b585-4328-8662-f6bfbaaf7919-0
00:35:30.600 --> 00:35:33.687
Yeah,
I understand the desire to want to

203db5d5-b585-4328-8662-f6bfbaaf7919-1
00:35:33.687 --> 00:35:37.000
elevate and get onto the shortlist and
win.

562beb8e-7f75-48f1-ab0d-e07862e82a42-0
00:35:37.000 --> 00:35:39.492
Like,
obviously we can say all the positives

562beb8e-7f75-48f1-ab0d-e07862e82a42-1
00:35:39.492 --> 00:35:42.760
that Holly has,
but definitely that desire is still there.

00c1656b-65c4-49e9-9d14-28141e39aa77-0
00:35:42.760 --> 00:35:43.920
And I think we need to answer that.

942a64ea-e4fe-451c-ab5c-f8d213d1ae86-0
00:35:44.400 --> 00:35:47.040
I will say what you're not lacking.

7f9b8c16-a8a5-4c8e-9ab0-104db5c37fff-0
00:35:47.120 --> 00:35:50.760
Like there's no issue here with the
writing and with the prose.

82cc6156-8319-4a25-90e3-fe1489206de1-0
00:35:51.320 --> 00:35:53.440
I think the the premise is great.

c3dd17a2-d6e2-4a32-a3b2-66b31f9baf0d-0
00:35:53.440 --> 00:35:56.787
I think, Holly,
all your stories have a great premise and

c3dd17a2-d6e2-4a32-a3b2-66b31f9baf0d-1
00:35:56.787 --> 00:35:58.000
always very original.

019f336d-c063-431f-a439-24151393bdbc-0
00:35:58.080 --> 00:35:58.400
Yeah.

83dadf8f-f6b3-446e-8b42-927bc7ac0c0e-0
00:35:58.400 --> 00:36:01.246
And look,
I'd like to compare this story to some

83dadf8f-f6b3-446e-8b42-927bc7ac0c0e-1
00:36:01.246 --> 00:36:05.080
other great stories that sort of follow
along this kind of theme.

f2961c3d-fa07-4770-a46d-bc5153777a10-0
00:36:05.080 --> 00:36:06.560
And I'm thinking here of Dexter.

17d926dd-6259-4aed-805b-7213d228a0a3-0
00:36:06.720 --> 00:36:06.840
Yeah.

d53afea5-e2f9-40cf-8e15-86a29f24f544-0
00:36:06.840 --> 00:36:07.200
Right.

5196e0e1-c7c8-4207-86bc-090cff5d1dd5-0
00:36:07.200 --> 00:36:11.301
So Dexter, the famous serial killer,
serial killer, and which I'm, you know,

5196e0e1-c7c8-4207-86bc-090cff5d1dd5-1
00:36:11.301 --> 00:36:15.509
I'm not super familiar with that show,
but I do know the premise of Dexter and

5196e0e1-c7c8-4207-86bc-090cff5d1dd5-2
00:36:15.509 --> 00:36:17.320
what he's about in his back story.

31b395c9-a512-420f-a490-d5688b4991fd-0
00:36:17.320 --> 00:36:19.800
And I think that that adds a certain
element.

56dda870-7172-415a-9a53-54a8193366b3-0
00:36:19.800 --> 00:36:22.622
We know about Dexter,
why he does what he does,

56dda870-7172-415a-9a53-54a8193366b3-1
00:36:22.622 --> 00:36:25.680
and we can empathise with why he does
what he does.

e729adfe-379d-43d2-b352-47a796fa24e4-0
00:36:25.680 --> 00:36:27.120
And so it flows logically.

d5ee7c01-cb76-41bd-a892-5723b61c6b89-0
00:36:27.480 --> 00:36:30.913
And so on that level,
it's a story that we can get on board

d5ee7c01-cb76-41bd-a892-5723b61c6b89-1
00:36:30.913 --> 00:36:31.200
with.

f1fd22d2-bc95-45f2-a858-0d9f6a6afc17-0
00:36:31.800 --> 00:36:35.040
I think as well about other wild like
villains.

d1e5cdfd-45b8-4214-9283-4a0b16e3f0b5-0
00:36:35.040 --> 00:36:37.600
I'm thinking of the Joker,
one of my favourite villains.

d4091b62-6412-4601-87a8-0eb8e853fdbf-0
00:36:37.600 --> 00:36:41.224
And I think in particular of the Joaquin
Phoenix version of the Joker,

d4091b62-6412-4601-87a8-0eb8e853fdbf-1
00:36:41.224 --> 00:36:45.155
where again we get insight into this
character and why they are the way they

d4091b62-6412-4601-87a8-0eb8e853fdbf-2
00:36:45.155 --> 00:36:45.359
are.

43baf867-a0fe-4743-9d9a-747321379786-0
00:36:45.400 --> 00:36:48.562
And as a result of that,
we develop some empathy and then we care

43baf867-a0fe-4743-9d9a-747321379786-1
00:36:48.562 --> 00:36:49.760
about what they're doing.

cbc405d4-03a4-44ba-8356-a7e4b7c3550d-0
00:36:50.160 --> 00:36:54.522
And so this is my personal bias,
but I do always come to a story looking

cbc405d4-03a4-44ba-8356-a7e4b7c3550d-1
00:36:54.522 --> 00:36:59.363
for some kind of emotional connection,
even if that emotional connection is just

cbc405d4-03a4-44ba-8356-a7e4b7c3550d-2
00:36:59.363 --> 00:37:03.367
like, this is really funny,
but caring about the character and the

cbc405d4-03a4-44ba-8356-a7e4b7c3550d-3
00:37:03.367 --> 00:37:05.160
outcome of the story for them.

687c1a2f-f3c6-4f92-9f32-d77210ade93d-0
00:37:05.240 --> 00:37:08.506
And I think for us to care about the
outcome of a story on behalf of a

687c1a2f-f3c6-4f92-9f32-d77210ade93d-1
00:37:08.506 --> 00:37:10.898
character,
the character really needs to care about

687c1a2f-f3c6-4f92-9f32-d77210ade93d-2
00:37:10.898 --> 00:37:11.680
it a lot as well.

82392000-1f36-452c-b647-25f7a4a84760-0
00:37:11.680 --> 00:37:14.700
And look,
as much as Mia is committing her first

82392000-1f36-452c-b647-25f7a4a84760-1
00:37:14.700 --> 00:37:17.720
murder here,
she doesn't seem that particularly.

82a4b184-6504-4d12-a31a-a72d3301e610-0
00:37:17.720 --> 00:37:21.480
She's kind of just going with the flow a
little bit and until the outcome there.

2cdca462-c9de-4e61-a10d-586c6924ba93-0
00:37:21.480 --> 00:37:24.320
So the more passionate you make your
character about the outcome,

2cdca462-c9de-4e61-a10d-586c6924ba93-1
00:37:24.320 --> 00:37:27.591
then the more passionate you're probably
going to make the reader about the

2cdca462-c9de-4e61-a10d-586c6924ba93-2
00:37:27.591 --> 00:37:28.280
outcome as well.

aeb7be14-ed88-403a-9b72-3e512e633315-0
00:37:28.840 --> 00:37:30.120
But yeah, thank you, Holly.

299619fd-bc1a-4fbb-b176-9902d27c6132-0
00:37:30.160 --> 00:37:33.955
Hopefully that has shed some light onto
our thinking and we, as always,

299619fd-bc1a-4fbb-b176-9902d27c6132-1
00:37:33.955 --> 00:37:35.800
we look forward to your next entry.

12505082-c198-4ae0-bb36-a983175ba3e2-0
00:37:36.240 --> 00:37:37.000
Absolutely.

1d25c86c-97db-40b5-a980-777425aadd2a-0
00:37:37.240 --> 00:37:39.429
You know,
we've had a lot of bits and pieces of

1d25c86c-97db-40b5-a980-777425aadd2a-1
00:37:39.429 --> 00:37:39.840
feedback.

a45a1b45-ca20-4d01-af57-3174fc8c45eb-0
00:37:39.840 --> 00:37:42.080
I feel like we've sort of been dancing
all over the place.

ee2891b8-e278-420b-9854-46466a21fa56-0
00:37:42.080 --> 00:37:45.000
And I'm not sure how helpful that is and
how confusing that is.

626fb414-354a-42cb-8b85-c0c89a685f70-0
00:37:45.000 --> 00:37:49.247
But I think my overarching piece of
feedback about this story is that it

626fb414-354a-42cb-8b85-c0c89a685f70-1
00:37:49.247 --> 00:37:50.760
feels a little disjointed.

45bafba2-fe83-4c4b-8608-1806d65255ec-0
00:37:50.760 --> 00:37:52.856
And,
and what we really need is for that

45bafba2-fe83-4c4b-8608-1806d65255ec-1
00:37:52.856 --> 00:37:57.150
cohesion to happen and for it all to sort
of be wrapped up in more of a neat little

45bafba2-fe83-4c4b-8608-1806d65255ec-2
00:37:57.150 --> 00:37:57.560
package.

7afdd50a-a90b-4415-88a6-9af798bdf968-0
00:37:57.680 --> 00:37:59.360
And I think that's totally doable.

544f932c-ab79-4f4c-9b66-be26d22191b6-0
00:37:59.560 --> 00:38:04.029
So it just comes down to refining the
experience that you want the reader to

544f932c-ab79-4f4c-9b66-be26d22191b6-1
00:38:04.029 --> 00:38:04.320
have.

890bfe81-4a67-4aad-bffe-12357f45079b-0
00:38:04.320 --> 00:38:07.280
And if you just want the reader to be
shocked, done, tick.

763761ce-49ab-4694-ab3e-59a66ce05484-0
00:38:07.560 --> 00:38:10.500
But if you want the reader to not only be
shocked,

763761ce-49ab-4694-ab3e-59a66ce05484-1
00:38:10.500 --> 00:38:15.400
but also leave the story feeling shocked,
you know, like having a lingering feeling,

763761ce-49ab-4694-ab3e-59a66ce05484-2
00:38:15.400 --> 00:38:19.840
then it comes down to what journey are
you going to take us on through this?

8f659bbd-af2c-4f56-a226-8ea736d7a58f-0
00:38:19.840 --> 00:38:23.864
So we've given some ideas already on how
you might structure more of a journey

8f659bbd-af2c-4f56-a226-8ea736d7a58f-1
00:38:23.864 --> 00:38:24.680
with this story.

b9810fb7-5c32-4fd7-96b6-2a42df7bd0d0-0
00:38:24.840 --> 00:38:28.015
And look,
please don't ever hesitate to come at us

b9810fb7-5c32-4fd7-96b6-2a42df7bd0d0-1
00:38:28.015 --> 00:38:32.560
with whatever wild premise totally you
would like to share at that time.

b3aae92a-248c-4b4a-8754-9e3e1cbf9080-0
00:38:32.560 --> 00:38:33.760
We are always here for it.

d10a2324-5acd-4821-af9b-9658cc120d80-0
00:38:33.760 --> 00:38:36.480
And look, at some point it's going to hit.

8a3fb101-f773-4b29-b403-30f8d4e7af45-0
00:38:36.480 --> 00:38:37.960
Yeah, 100%.

107a0372-64d5-4bbd-b5e4-9ca00fa087b8-0
00:38:38.640 --> 00:38:43.160
But that's all we've got time for this
episode of Not Quite Right.

4d25120c-97e0-4a70-a68b-1185930e7477-0
00:38:43.960 --> 00:38:47.560
We'll be back in a week's time with our
third Daredevil for this round.

4f52b535-8d28-45de-b096-75524607dcf8-0
00:38:47.800 --> 00:38:50.760
But until then, right on, right on.

08c502ca-cca3-4c79-80d1-254798757236-0
00:38:53.360 --> 00:38:56.720
We hope you enjoyed this special
Daredevil episode of Not Quite Right.

9816ca43-f177-4576-a533-9894990b3a6f-0
00:38:57.040 --> 00:39:00.892
If you have thoughts on this story,
follow us on social media and join the

9816ca43-f177-4576-a533-9894990b3a6f-1
00:39:00.892 --> 00:39:01.560
conversation.

435766b7-a01e-4fd4-84e1-1e183677d383-0
00:39:01.880 --> 00:39:05.649
And if you'd like to participate in the
next round of the competition,

435766b7-a01e-4fd4-84e1-1e183677d383-1
00:39:05.649 --> 00:39:07.880
head over to ourwebsite@notquiteright.com.

1f650759-4c46-4953-8a8d-fa7accdf6ad7-0
00:39:08.200 --> 00:39:10.480
That's WRITE.

275237ed-4b12-4b62-9c18-938c3f8ea88a-0
00:39:13.760 --> 00:39:14.880
It doesn't seem quite right.

49dbcef6-af21-4acb-bd7b-0a6251379cec-0
00:39:20.500 --> 00:39:23.420
The man cries out as another fart rips
out of him.

39edd78a-2cd4-4d4f-8589-7911e72d0bba-0
00:39:32.980 --> 00:39:33.300
Giggle.

b44bc386-b7e1-4c96-811c-18011bf2d721-0
00:39:33.300 --> 00:39:34.020
A break.

e49e6a12-58d7-4879-bc77-1a631c627a07-0
00:39:35.340 --> 00:39:36.300
How am I supposed to do it?

c86795ef-41f3-44f6-b584-d3362f050adc-0
00:39:36.300 --> 00:39:37.020
Seriously now?

4d41b3c6-1077-4b32-8f05-22cfe94c0faa-0
00:39:37.580 --> 00:39:40.820
The man cries out as another fart rips
out of him.

b06f4aca-7769-4bb7-9298-a5359d15f02d-0
00:39:41.140 --> 00:39:43.060
Can't say fart.

9df94b76-13cf-43a6-a689-634b6aafad45-0
00:39:45.040 --> 00:39:49.943
I watched this video recently and this
guy was like an Aussie guy was saying how

9df94b76-13cf-43a6-a689-634b6aafad45-1
00:39:49.943 --> 00:39:51.880
he hates how Americans say fart.

0bf6a4b4-57d5-4f0c-be28-6d44888a15cb-0
00:39:51.880 --> 00:39:52.760
It's too aggressive.

363f7eda-9eba-4e2b-9bd0-fb1773f0573d-0
00:39:52.760 --> 00:39:55.680
He's like fart.