Not Quite Right features discussions that are unfiltered and uncensored,
and may include themes that are inappropriate for younger listeners.
Also, I swear a lot.
Something doesn't seem quite right.
Welcome to Not quite right.
My name's Ed and I'm Amanda, and we are here with our second Daredevil
for the April 2026 Not Quite Right Prize for Flash Fiction.
Daredevils are people who have signed up for the honour and the privilege of being
absolutely eviscerated by us on the podcast, in some cases up to five times,
up to five times.
So we'll read the story, we'll RIP it apart and hopefully all
learn something together.
And I cannot think of a more worthy recipient of a beating today then fifth
time daredevil slash Baredevil Holly Sadowski.
She loves it.
She loves a bit of a a whipping Holly Mia Sadowski, I think we shall say.
But you know, we love Holly.
We love, we love how she comes to us with
something different each.
I'm always challenging us in new and exciting ways and this story is no
exception.
Now Holly is writing for Team Amanda this time around.
Sorry, what were your prompts?
So my prompts were the word St, the action of breaking out and of course
the kicker, which was to feature a break dancing move
of some kind.
And as we've explained in earlier episodes,
that could be a literal break dancing move in the story or the name of a break
dancing move that you kind of interpreted in a different way.
But I will say before we kick off that Holly actually managed to squeeze 7
different break dancing moves into this story.
So keep your ears open for those.
I mean, a lot of our veterans would now have a
good awareness of what some of the break dancing moves are that they might not
have otherwise had.
So keep your ear out for those.
But should we, should we get into the story?
Should we drag everyone else into this experience along with us?
Let's do that.
Let's do it.
So here is Vigilante **** Mia's version by Holly Sadowski.
Mia Pavlovsky glowers at the man doing the **** slide away from her at a snail's
pace, the smeared faecal matter he dragged
himself through trailing like mucin across the kitchen tiles.
He's really ******* up her first murder, which admittedly is on brand for him,
though maybe she should have been more exact measuring out the poison.
She grabs her phone and opens the murder for him.
Vigilante ****.
The monkey swings at Pose Poison.
How'd the Visine work?
The man cries out as another fart rips out of him and she types a response.
Pose Poison.
Let's just say it backfired.
She covers her nose with her shirt.
Jesus, Jeff, you've really let yourself go.
Mia, please, please.
She picks up a knife, it's blade glinting in the morning sun.
That never swayed you when I said it when I was 12, you ****.
She mentally adds.
Jeff crawls towards her.
You were so sweet when I married your mum, wasn't my fault.
He extends his **** stained hands in supplication.
He grabs her ankles and Yanks her feet from under her.
Mia's tailbone slams onto the floor, knocking the wind out of her.
Idiot rule #5 on the forum explicitly states keep a safe distance from the
target until they're tied down.
She struggles to her feet, the soles of her converse sliding through
the wet excrement as Jeff scrambles to the back door and wrenches it open.
The forum didn't say anything about potential breakouts, however.
Help, help.
Mia grabs Jeff's collar and hauls him inside,
giving him a swift kick to The Nutcracker for good measure.
She glances up and down the street, but there's no sign of anyone at this
hour.
The neighbours are still sitting in the pews.
Mia learned long ago that people aren't inclined to leap into action at a
disturbance coming from Jeff's house.
She handcuffs him and locks the door.
Then, with hands shaking, she types a quick missive pose.
Poison.
He tried to make a run for it.
Three dots flash on the screen and she waits for the reply.
Don't kill me.
Jeff starts bawling, adding snot and saliva to the mix.
Her phone Dings and she glances at the screen.
Munch milk.
Cut those vocal cords.
Queen Monkey swings and him.
Mia looks up just in time for Jeff to projectile vomit onto her T shirt.
The warmth trickles between her cleavage, the rancid acidity overwhelming her
senses.
No one had told her murder would involve so many different bodily fluids.
*** **** it.
She manages to keep her gag reflex in check,
barely as she reaches for the knife.
Munch mill and monkey swings are right, it's time to end this.
Red spatters the walls and ceiling and the floor.
Mia didn't even want to think about cleaning that.
Maybe she could just burn the house down for the insurance payout.
Jeff sits by the back door, divvied up amongst 5 bags to drop off in
different neighbourhoods.
She glows with the virgin flair of her first murder.
Well, thank you for your story, Holly.
And now might be a good time to mention that the author is Holly Sadowski from
Kansas.
Not the other Holly Sadowski serial killer, not serial killers,
alleged killers.
Like, oh, absolutely.
For real alleged.
Actually, I don't think she was charged with that.
It was just a mysterious body buried under the house.
But anyway, if you're Googling Holly Sadowski,
give her the benefit of the doubt is all I'm going to say.
But we have a message from Holly, so why don't we let her speak for herself?
Yes, let's play that now.
Hi Ed and Amanda, this is Holly Sadowski from Kansas,
here for my 5th Daredevil.
And the story is Vigilante **** Mia's version,
a little play on Taylor Swift there.
And it was actually inspired by Amanda's Google search of me when she found my
namesake in Philadelphia, who I believe had been charged with what
insurance fraud and maybe a body was found in her yard.
So that was the basis.
And then I sort of went off the rails from there.
I would apologise, but we all know I don't mean it.
But I guess my question would be how to elevate my riding to actually land on the
short list.
And I realised that is all subjective and I know there's so many other good write
great writers out there.
Thanks you guys so much.
So the holy thanks for clarifying.
It was insurance fraud and maybe some murder, maybe a bit of murder.
What's a bit of murder between friends?
Yeah, I think Holly has a very valid question
and I think it is a question that's been playing on her mind for some time.
Like, I know you guys like my stuff because we
have said that repeatedly and she has long listed and so on.
But how do we get from there to the next level?
And of course, that's the question everybody's asking,
right?
How do I get to the next level?
Chloe in our last Daredevil was like, how do I get from the shortlisting to the
win?
You know, we're never happy are we in This is the
human condition.
But you know, it's a perfectly valid question.
And I think hopefully, like in these Daredevils or wherever
really doing is commenting on the story that we received.
And that's what we can do today with this one.
But I think also there are probably some overarching ideas that maybe we can share
with everybody who has this same question.
Like, how do we break out of just, you really like my story, too.
You loved my story and you wanted it to win.
And I have some thoughts on that.
I assume you do too, Ed.
Yeah, absolutely.
Hi Ed, the editor here.
While editing this episode, I noticed a few annoying pops and clicks.
I've tried to fix them as best I can, but I can't get rid of them all.
Thanks for bearing with us.
So let's start with the title, which was Vigilante **** Mia's version,
which as Holly has pointed out, is a reference to Taylor Swift.
So what do you think about this title?
Look, I think it sets up the tone of this story
very well.
You know, the lighthearted tone.
I mean, I hesitate to say lighthearted.
This is obviously a very dark story, but it's told in a very lighthearted way.
I think the use of **** there in the title is very apartment as well.
I feel like the story really delivered on that aspect.
Look, I'm not a Taylor Swift fan in particular.
I'm not against Taylor Swift.
I like the music, but not a big Taylor fan.
So I guess that didn't particularly resonate with me or elevate this,
but it does, I guess put a bit of character around as
well.
So we're setting up the story with this person is a Taylor Swift fan,
which I know Holly is a Taylor.
I think it's more to the point, I would say like I would break down this
title into two parts.
So the vigilante **** I think works really well, sets the tone.
And also **** is introduced fairly early on in the story as well.
So definitely connecting back into the story in a way that's like surprising and
not cliche Mia's version.
Mia being obviously the main character.
There is a connection there, but it's also not a strong connection.
It's a reference to Taylor Swift.
That's not really like that relevant to the story.
So it might be a distraction, I think.
I think calling it vigilante **** might have just been the better way to go.
Yeah.
And look, I think as well, you know, if you did want to have that Taylor Swift
influence, then you would need to pay that off.
So in the story, like she's murdering to a Taylor Swift
song that's meaningful to her and that it is meaningful for a reason.
That's it's relevant to this story as well and it's not just like a throw away.
Well, she did give him a swift kick to The
Nutcracker, so there's that.
What's that?
A swift kick?
Is that like a diamante platform here kick or something?
A diamante stiletto kick.
But let's talk about the story itself.
Let's get into it so it opens on Mia Pavlovsky glowers at the man doing the
**** slide away from her at a snail's pace.
The smeared faecal matter he dragged himself through,
trailing like mucin across the kitchen tiles.
Isn't that just, you know, she's dropped us into the.
She's she.
Yeah.
Look, I mean, as you said, this does paint a picture and a very
vivid picture.
I would maybe move some things around here.
But look, this is is the tone.
This is what you're going for, right?
There's comedy, violence, there's **** there's all sorts of
inappropriate stuff happening.
Always funny, not always be honest.
Well, we are laughing serious.
Well, look, I also have to obviously point out that
Holly has named her point of view character here right in the opening,
which of course I love.
And I don't just love it for no reason.
I love it because now we know who we're looking at.
And Mia being a name that kind of establishes probably a bit of an age
range, and I think that's important information.
It's obviously in the title as well.
So now we know who we're looking at.
I would say that this is a rather long sentence and I think this is something
that I would say for a lot of stories because we've got the challenge in the
opening of a story to deliver so much.
And it's the same in a novel, like in your first chapter or your first
page, you've gotta do this.
You gotta set up the character, you gotta set up the setting,
you've gotta have the the stakes and the goal and all of these things that you're
trying to do and the hook, right?
The hook, all of that.
And when it's a piece of flash fiction, you're trying to do that in the first
paragraph.
So there's a lot going on.
And I think what ends up happening is what's happened here,
which is that a little bit too much has been crammed in together.
And I think it does need a little bit of breathing room in this case.
And in many cases, it's as simple as breaking it down into
two sentences instead of 1.
And you wouldn't need any more words, depending on how you phrase that.
So I would do that.
And the reason is not just for no reason, right?
I don't just say that as an arbitrary piece of advice.
It helps with reading flow.
And that is something that can be the difference,
if Holly's asking between a long listed story and a short listed story.
A story that flows and feels easy to read can be a more pleasing experience.
And we don't even always know that that's happening.
You know, I do, I, I pay attention to that.
I have this critical brain now when I read stories.
But a lot of readers wouldn't be able to tell you what the issue was.
But in many cases, it's like my flow is getting interrupted.
And so the story doesn't feel smooth.
And it's a subtle thing, but it can impact the reading experience.
So just something to look at.
Generally speaking, this is a rule of thumb I take from my
day job, which is try not to have any more than
around 26 words in a sentence at most.
And even that is a is quite a long sentence.
So this sentence has 31 words in it, and that's a very long sentence.
So 26.
Stupid rule of thumb, but it works.
Yeah, it's it's a good idea to just to help you
assess that maybe you've gone over.
And look, I don't think that there's anything wrong
necessarily with a long sentence.
I think the issue here is the amount of stuff that's happening and the way it
diverts your gaze from one thing to another.
We're starting with Mia.
We're watching her glower at a man and he's **** sliding away.
And in what manner?
And, and what is he unleashing as he does it,
as he trails?
And what does that trail look like?
And where is he?
So there's all of these concepts that are kind of coming out very quickly that
we've got to absorb.
Yeah.
And just from a Poe perspective, I love that.
That's a great image.
It's very disgusting, which is really leaning into the
emotional experience of this story.
But that snail metaphor doesn't really continue on.
And I would have liked it to, to be honest.
You've given us something really powerful there.
This snail metaphor.
Use it again.
What does this tell us about him as a character?
Like, let's not just say that as a throwaway
kind of visual.
Let's use that.
Everything should be working towards, like, doing more than one job.
Having said all that about long sentences, that sounds a little bit unfair given
that Chad Frame Story made the shortlist.
Yeah, which I'm not going to go and count it,
but it was probably 150 words, a lot of words in one sentence.
And so it's not to say you can't do that in Chad Frame Story.
I would argue that we did have reading flow because it was this stream of
consciousness and then one thought flowed into the next.
And once you sort of understood that that's what you were looking at,
it became easy to follow that.
Whereas in this case, I don't think that expectation is set for
that long sentence in the same way, and it doesn't work quite the same way.
So, I mean, call me hypocritical, and indeed I am hypocritical,
and that's fine, but that's my feedback for this story.
What I think Holly was really trying to do with this opening is shock us.
Right.
And on that front Tick.
Yeah.
And you did.
I ran this with my jaw on the floor.
I'm like.
And you would think by now I would be unshockable, but I'm not.
I absolutely read something like this and it does make me sit up and pay attention,
which is a huge job of that opening.
So there's a lot of positives going on here with this opening of this story.
I agree.
I will say that there were quite a few stories I read this round that had an
opening line that shocked me or like drew me in and I was like, yes, take me there.
Like where are you going to go from here?
And often the disappointing thing is that it doesn't go somewhere else.
It goes there in the first line and then it kind of keeps keeps going there.
And I'm not saying about this story in particular.
I'm just saying, like, there is more to it than just grabbing
your attention in the first line.
You need to kind of take us somewhere surprising.
And often it's about going somewhere different.
You know, you can start in **** and end up in like
a really touching, heartfelt moment.
Like, that's surprising.
And that has happened in this competition.
Yeah, no, it's true.
So I know.
Look, I think that probably is a valid
criticism of this story that we start kind of at the climax,
almost like at the at the most shocking part.
And then it's difficult, like, where do you go from there?
So, well, where do we go?
Let's get into it.
So the next line is he's really ******* up her first murder,
which admittedly is on brand for him, though maybe she should have been more
exact measuring out the poison.
I like this, you know, which admittedly is on brand for him.
Like, that's a little bit of characterization
there that I think is subtle and great.
We understand just from that alone that there's an intimate relationship here.
This isn't just some random dude.
This is a guy she has a history with.
And I think that's good.
That's like a little bit of subtext there.
Look.
Well, let's just take a little step back, I think,
because I think my challenges for this story are a little bit more bigger
picture.
Like, we can get into the detail of sentence
level, and I'm sure we will.
But I think there's a bigger issue at play here.
And that is my question to Holly, which is what is your goal as the author
with this story?
Now, I suspect the goal was to shock and amuse,
right?
In which case you've done it.
You have done that.
You have shocked us, You have amused us.
Tick success.
But I'm not sure that this plays out in a way that is satisfying as a story.
It is shocking, it is entertaining, but it doesn't leave us with this sense
of satisfaction, this kind of complete package of a
classic story.
And I think there are a lot of authors this round and certainly in Team Amanda
there were.
And I think we've developed this reputation now in the Not quite right
prize for valuing stuff like this, valuing the shock value,
valuing the humour and the in jokes and the personality that comes through in
these stories.
And we absolutely do.
And I want to make that very clear, but I also want to draw a distinction
between like, I guess this assumption that that's all
it takes and it's not.
So certainly there have been stories that have risen right up the shortlist with
little in jokes, references even to us.
You know, we talked about in the last episode about
Shadow, Sharon and Arsene, Andy, our darlings.
And we appreciate those little in jokes.
But the story also has to work outside of this competition.
And to some extent, if you want a little peek behind the
curtains of the judging process, you're almost setting yourself up for an
even bigger mountain to climb.
Because when you write something that is clearly targeted for us, and in this one,
not so much.
I mean, I think that's something Holly's done
more so in the past.
But when you write something that is targeted for us or targeted at just
hitting our particular funny bones, we know that.
And we have to almost say, like, take a step out of ourselves and be more
objective and say, does this story work outside of this
competition?
Is it something that other people would find satisfying?
Or are we just being arrogant ***** and liking the story because it's written for
us?
And so, yeah, I think that is a challenge that people
face.
And if your objective is to entertain us, you will do that.
And you will absolutely do that.
And we will love your story.
And we'll swap it around and we'll have a giggle.
You might get a dishonourable mention or whatever it might be,
and if that's your goal for the story, great.
But if you want to win the competition, and Holly does, she's made that clear,
she wants to get shortlisted or more.
No doubt everybody who enters the competition thinks about winning the
competition.
And so I think we need to step outside of that and perhaps to some extent,
stop trying to write to what you believe our preferences are and start to write
from yourself what you want to express because I,
I don't think even we know what our preferences are.
Yeah.
You know, they ebb and flow.
One day I find this fantastic, and the next day, you know,
it's something completely different.
We love the variety.
We love all sorts of different types of stories.
I think what we love, generally speaking, is authenticity in one way or another.
And to be surprised.
Yeah.
So give us something that you feel we just put two poems,
like in 1st and 2nd place after saying in the past that we we didn't love poetry
for flash fiction.
So like, surprises.
Yeah.
And look, you know, if we're talking about, like I said,
we're we're looking for more general feedback of how do we get onto the
shortlist.
One big thing we've talked about it many times is what we call the element of
surprise.
Now Holly has done that.
OK.
So tick on that.
You have absolutely delivered the element of surprise.
You've shocked us with this story.
But that is just one element.
So you've absolutely delivered on that element.
And then there are a whole bunch of other things that we can also look at.
And one of those being big one, was it satisfying?
So satisfaction comes from those elements of like cohesion.
We've got a consistent theme.
It's clear what's happening, and we're left with something at the end
of the story.
Satisfaction is like where Poe comes in, like bringing all things together,
pointing in the same direction.
And then we've also got emotional resonance is another big one that will
get a story on the shortlist.
So there's a few different things here and we can look at those separately.
But yeah, all that to say is, you know, like I said,
if your goal is to shock us and amuse us, you've done that.
But if your goal is to get on the shortlist,
then you have to deliver the satisfying story as well.
I think what Holly is going for in terms of satisfaction here, the stories,
the revenge fantasy angle, right?
So we have, which speaks to you personally again,
but so we have a protagonist here who's been abused as a child and she's seeking
revenge, her abuser.
I think what might work against this for me is, you know,
the unreality of the situation, right?
We have the murder forums and all of this fun stuff get gets thrown into the story
that for me, like detracts from the seriousness of
like the crime and the issue here, right?
The issue of child molestation, let's say.
The other stuff kind of gets in the way really of of us feeling connection to the
character and feeling like, oh, we actually want her to to take him out
and do the thing and get her revenge.
Well, we talked in the shortlist episode when
we were referring to the point story, which was about, you know,
sending off the John Travolta footage to aliens and having their reaction.
That in a comedy, what can work is you've got the, you know,
wild premise, but everything else around that is normal.
Everything else around that feels real.
And so it's contrasting to that wild premise.
So we have here, it's all wild, you know, from start to finish.
And there's sort of nothing to ground that.
Yeah, for us.
And I think that was a challenge for this one,
that we've got this very detached homicidal woman here and we can't relate
and we can't sort of empathise.
And look, you don't need to have someone who's like
likeable.
Of course, we've talked before and, and certainly in the last round of the
competition about villain protagonists and so on.
It's more about getting into their head.
But it's very difficult to get into the head of someone who's so detached from
reality.
Yeah, that's a good point.
I, I guess I don't really feel in the way
that she acts that she's motivated by what he's done.
Like she's not angry about that.
She's not like feeling that in that moment.
She's kind of floating around being cool, you know what I mean?
So I wonder, would like, it may be an interesting thinking about,
like, how do you ground this?
Yeah.
That maybe we start off with that protagonist who's like the vigilante,
and then maybe she just breaks down and is hit with those emotions and it becomes
real for a moment even.
Look, there's always options.
And it comes down to what the author wants to do.
I think the point here is, And it comes to the emotional resonance
side of things.
And speaking for myself, I did not find this to be an emotionally
resonant story.
And you know, I've come to this realisation more
recently, and this is in conversation with other
writers who I talk to, who I beat beta read for and so on, that,
you know, I'm quite fixated on the emotional
experience of the story.
I'm aware of that about myself when I'm critiquing stories.
But I think there's two ways of going about things.
And one is emotional resonance and a story that moves you,
and the other is entertainment.
And I don't think those two things necessarily need to crossover.
It's great when they do.
That can lift something even higher.
But it is OK for a story to just be really, really entertaining,
just like it might be OK for a Netflix show or whatever to just be really,
really entertaining and not particularly moving.
And I would say that this story is, as it stands,
is leaning towards entertainment, which is fine.
But I think if you're going for entertainment, then it's a challenge.
If you're introducing these sort of deeper themes,
I don't think you can just gloss over them and just expect the audience to
gloss over them too.
I think they need to be addressed.
It's like we talked about hanging a Lantern.
We talked about that in previous episodes, hanging a Lantern on something and
there's no lanterns here.
We're just, we're just getting this sort of wild
premise and it's just rolling along almost without us in a way.
We're not following the action.
We're sort of left behind a little bit because we're still waiting to kind of
get it.
I think if you're going to write an an entertaining story as opposed to an
emotionally resonant story, then that's when you really need these
things like the building drama and the high stakes and the punchy dialogue and
all of these other things that lean into a entertaining story.
And in this case, like you said, Ed, the story kind of starts with a bang and
then we don't really escalate from there.
And I think you need to, I think it sort of needs to build and
build and build and then kind of leave us with a little bit of a surprise at the
end.
You can escalate from **** to like, I don't know where you escalate from
there.
That's that's one problem.
Like you can only go into challenging Holly to escalate from these first.
Well, well, we go from ***** to farts, which I think is probably a step back
really in terms of the humour.
Like we start from the bottom, but like, I think we have to go in a different
direction.
We have to, we have to end in a different place to
where we started.
And I don't think we really do.
No, I mean, this story doesn't really have a turning
point, right?
Like, you know, if you look at a classic story structure,
we have the midpoint and sort of something is revealed at the midpoint
that kind of reframes everything or pushes us towards the climax in a way
that wasn't there in the beginning.
And in this story, we don't really have a turning point
where it shifts from one thing to another.
So having said all that, I do like the way that these characters
back stories come through in the dialogue without a whole lot of exposition.
You make a good point that we're on the entertainment side, right?
So we're not getting into the emotional side necessarily of what this situation
is, but still, I feel these characters could use a
little bit more dimensionality to them.
And when you talk about entertainment, I think back to Zombie Babe by Louise,
which was a winning story a few rounds ago.
And that was an entertaining story, like start to finish, funny, hit,
all the notes.
But it also did reveal so much of its characters.
It had those movie references.
It had like the relationship references, the insecurities.
All of that stuff came through in every beat that it hit.
We don't really get much in this relationship apart from just the fact
that there was that earlier abuse like that is mentioned.
And then we kind of move on to the logistics of how she's trying to kill
this guy, but it's not really working.
And at the same time, while it's not really working,
we don't really get the impression that there is a real major obstacle for her to
overcome.
We start off with the fact that she's pretty much got him where she wants him,
right?
And she's got some issues with, like, everything playing out the way she wants
it to and it doesn't.
But we don't get the the feeling it's not going to work out.
Yeah.
I mean, he sort of knocks her over at one point,
but she immediately stands up again, He calls out,
but there's no one there to hear.
So yeah, like these moments that could have
dramatic potential, that dramatic potential is kind of ripped
away because they don't have a consequence.
Now, I guess a bigger piece of feedback about
this story that I think I would apply to quite a few of the stories that I
received this round in Team Amanda is that it feels a little bit more like a
sequence of events than a story.
So things are happening one after the other.
But we've talked about dominoes.
I did bring them up in the long List episode that one thing is not causing the
next, so when that story opens, we're already in the midst of it.
But from there, Mia's behaviour does not cause a reaction
in Jeff that then causes an action from Mia that then causes a reaction
throughout the story to build towards a climax.
So things are just happening.
He's slipping around, then he says help and then he pulls her
over.
But when he pulls her over, nothing happens because he pulled her
over.
And an example of more of a domino effect would be that he pulls her over and she
slips and then as a result of slipping, she sees something on the ceiling,
you know, because she slipped over.
And then as a result of that, she does something else or he pulls her
over and he starts to overpower her.
And then they have this interaction where it takes her right back to the days when
he abused her, and all of a sudden, she's not in power anymore and she's that
little girl again.
And then as a result of that, something happens.
Like, these are options and probably more
dramatic than the story calls for, you know,
which is meant to be this kind of comedy, really.
Yeah.
Like, I hope it's clear what I'm saying, that we kind of need the events to flow
from each other and not just be happening in a sequence.
Yeah, look, I agree.
And I think that there's another resource that you have to leverage here,
and that's the forums that she's referring to for her advice.
And I don't feel that that's really paid off that well in the story.
Like, yeah, they're almost her cheer squad,
like the whole way through.
They're like, yeah, you know, go queen kind of thing.
Yeah.
I mean, that that was a question that was raised
in some of the initial comments on this story was basically, why is that there?
Yeah.
Like, why is she going on these forums?
And of course, Vigilante **** is the name of the forum
that she's on.
But as you say, it's not really paid off.
Like it's there, but it doesn't have a consequential
reason for being there.
And it needs to, especially because it's given so much of
the word count.
That's the thing with this story.
And we talk about it being satisfying or whatever that there's all these pieces,
but they're not really coming together as a whole, a cohesive whole.
They are just coexisting and I guess it's about structuring it so that you're
delivering a specific message with all of that.
Like I mentioned earlier, the snail, you know,
we've got the snail over here and we've got the forum here and we've got the,
you know, if people are familiar with the break
dancing moves, a couple of those with the forum
usernames.
So that's good fun and that's a really creative and interesting use of that
prompt.
So it's a tick on that front.
And I do, of course, love her own forum name,
which is Pose Poison.
I do have to point that out.
But yeah, like I think thinking a little bit more
strategically about, well, why are all these elements here?
And almost to the point of like, if I removed that element,
it would ruin the story kind of thing.
And I'm not sure that any of those are intrinsic to the story, but they could be,
you could absolutely make any of them intrinsic to to the story.
It's about like paying it off.
But in terms of like some good stuff that we've got going on here.
I really love some of these.
I mean, they're horrible.
But some of these visuals like he extends his **** stained hands and supplication.
It's just such a visceral kind of image.
And certainly obviously those opening lines as well, like **** sliding away,
the smeared faecal matter he dragged himself through,
trailing like mucin across the kitchen tiles.
Like, that's so disgusting and so wonderful.
And so I think that Holly has a really artful use of these words to her evil
ends, and I support that wholeheartedly.
I have to say, yeah, we move into this ending scene because
she says, like, it's time to end it.
And what she's overcoming in that moment is her gag reflex.
In fact, the fact that it's gotten way too messy
for her.
We've got **** we've got blood, we've got farts,
all other bodily fluids floating around the place.
The impact, the emotion that comes through in the end.
What Holly's relying on to sell the story is that idea of revenge.
Yeah.
Which, you know, when we say bring your real emotion to
the forefront in your stories, I think Holly has, like,
bringing that frustration, that deep frustration.
And like, Holly has made the long list before but
hasn't made the shortlist yet.
And really just ramping it up like thinking about like,
what more do you want from me kind of thing and delivering powerful,
visceral and very visual and disgusting piece of work, you know,
and I applaud that.
I think that's great.
Like, absolutely.
Bring us what you're feeling.
And just because this particular story didn't quite land for some of the reasons
that we've mentioned doesn't mean it wasn't the right way to go.
I think, you know, we've read several of Holly's stories now
for everyone to enjoy, and I think we did all enjoy them.
Right.
Some of Holly's stories are the most memorable.
Yeah.
So like, is that not worth it?
Yeah.
You know, something in itself, I said on social media,
Holly's the people's Princess.
And this is the thing.
Like, that's a good way to be as well.
You know, you can be the one who brings the chaos.
And that is a very exciting and fun and joyful thing to bring to the competition.
So I just want to highlight that and say that I appreciate it every single time.
So it's not all about the pointy trophy.
And I know it can feel like that because what Holly is probably really searching
for is not the prizes and the trophy.
I'm sure they're up on that list.
But as we mentioned before, the validation, right,
I want to be up there.
Tell me I'm good enough as a writer.
And I want to say that you are good enough.
And as you mentioned yourself in your comments,
that it is subjective and there are a lot of other great writers and there are.
And, you know, sometimes it's their turn and sometimes
it's not their turn.
We had Athena LAW this round come back for a second bite of the 1st place cherry,
which is very wonderful for Athena.
But there have been rounds when Athena failed to longlist as well.
So this isn't just you are good enough or you are not.
This is like you bring us a story.
Each story has its own strengths, weaknesses, challenges,
opportunities that we can look at.
And, you know, that's where good beta readers come in.
And I know Holly does have beta readers as well.
And all just dragging each other up, basically.
Yeah, I understand the desire to want to
elevate and get onto the shortlist and win.
Like, obviously we can say all the positives
that Holly has, but definitely that desire is still there.
And I think we need to answer that.
I will say what you're not lacking.
Like there's no issue here with the writing and with the prose.
I think the the premise is great.
I think, Holly, all your stories have a great premise and
always very original.
Yeah.
And look, I'd like to compare this story to some
other great stories that sort of follow along this kind of theme.
And I'm thinking here of Dexter.
Yeah.
Right.
So Dexter, the famous serial killer, serial killer, and which I'm, you know,
I'm not super familiar with that show, but I do know the premise of Dexter and
what he's about in his back story.
And I think that that adds a certain element.
We know about Dexter, why he does what he does,
and we can empathise with why he does what he does.
And so it flows logically.
And so on that level, it's a story that we can get on board
with.
I think as well about other wild like villains.
I'm thinking of the Joker, one of my favourite villains.
And I think in particular of the Joaquin Phoenix version of the Joker,
where again we get insight into this character and why they are the way they
are.
And as a result of that, we develop some empathy and then we care
about what they're doing.
And so this is my personal bias, but I do always come to a story looking
for some kind of emotional connection, even if that emotional connection is just
like, this is really funny, but caring about the character and the
outcome of the story for them.
And I think for us to care about the outcome of a story on behalf of a
character, the character really needs to care about
it a lot as well.
And look, as much as Mia is committing her first
murder here, she doesn't seem that particularly.
She's kind of just going with the flow a little bit and until the outcome there.
So the more passionate you make your character about the outcome,
then the more passionate you're probably going to make the reader about the
outcome as well.
But yeah, thank you, Holly.
Hopefully that has shed some light onto our thinking and we, as always,
we look forward to your next entry.
Absolutely.
You know, we've had a lot of bits and pieces of
feedback.
I feel like we've sort of been dancing all over the place.
And I'm not sure how helpful that is and how confusing that is.
But I think my overarching piece of feedback about this story is that it
feels a little disjointed.
And, and what we really need is for that
cohesion to happen and for it all to sort of be wrapped up in more of a neat little
package.
And I think that's totally doable.
So it just comes down to refining the experience that you want the reader to
have.
And if you just want the reader to be shocked, done, tick.
But if you want the reader to not only be shocked,
but also leave the story feeling shocked, you know, like having a lingering feeling,
then it comes down to what journey are you going to take us on through this?
So we've given some ideas already on how you might structure more of a journey
with this story.
And look, please don't ever hesitate to come at us
with whatever wild premise totally you would like to share at that time.
We are always here for it.
And look, at some point it's going to hit.
Yeah, 100%.
But that's all we've got time for this episode of Not Quite Right.
We'll be back in a week's time with our third Daredevil for this round.
But until then, right on, right on.
We hope you enjoyed this special Daredevil episode of Not Quite Right.
If you have thoughts on this story, follow us on social media and join the
conversation.
And if you'd like to participate in the next round of the competition,
head over to ourwebsite@notquiteright.com.
That's WRITE.
It doesn't seem quite right.
The man cries out as another fart rips out of him.
Giggle.
A break.
How am I supposed to do it?
Seriously now?
The man cries out as another fart rips out of him.
Can't say fart.
I watched this video recently and this guy was like an Aussie guy was saying how
he hates how Americans say fart.
It's too aggressive.
He's like fart.