The following is a special presentation of the Not Quite Right Podcast,
in which we discuss in detail entries to our ****** flash fiction competition,
the Not Quite Right Prize for Flesh Fiction.
This episode contains adult themes and is not appropriate for listeners under the
age of 18.
And mum, if you're still listening, that's on you.
Something doesn't seem quite right.
Well, hello.
Hi, my name's Ed and I'm Amanda, and welcome back to another not quite
right baredevil.
So baredevils are people who have signed up for the honour and privilege of having
their sexy story hammered, rammed.
Whatever verb you choose, someone's getting ****** tonight.
It's our baredevil.
Or it's us.
Yeah, there's a lot like that.
You.
This time, me.
This time it is my turn to read this story.
But look, we will read the story.
We will talk about the story.
We'll share our thoughts and feelings and opinions and hopefully we will all learn
something in the process.
Maybe we'll all feel something in the process too.
Something hard.
I'm struggling.
Look, we've we've had some drinks.
Yeah, we've we've recorded one Bare Devil and
we've loosened up a little bit.
A little bit.
Possibly too much.
You might Hopefully not too much.
That line is a really thin line.
It is.
I've I've noticed.
And what have you done about it?
Is this a intervention?
Is this like an accusation we should think about maybe introducing our bare
devil, you reckon?
OK.
And our bare devil today is Zara Eloise Row, who is a regular comp entrant.
And hi Zara and 1st timer from a bear slash dare devil perspective.
So as we like to say, get out your Lube.
And it's especially as you like to say, as I like to say,
it's a verbal ticket this time, but especially for this episode because
we are delving deep into this sexy story.
And when you delve deep, you need some Louvre, some Louvre,
you need some Lube when you delve deep.
That's what I like to say.
It's what my mum always told me.
So Zara, hopefully you've got your Lube and your
wine prerequisites for a Bare Devil.
We've got our look, no comment on the loop,
but we've got our wine.
So that's can I make a comment on the loop And you make there isn't any.
Let's be clear about that.
So as we said on our various flesh fiction episodes,
it's a bit of a plant theme for flesh fiction.
And we're not sure if it came from, you know,
it could be either a response to our make the unsexy irresistible theme,
or perhaps there is a latent plant fetish that maybe is undiagnosed at large in the
population.
You say undiagnosed, but I, you know this, you're thinking about autumn bettinger
right now.
Well, I mean, I wasn't, but now I am.
I was thinking about myself.
I I love a plant.
Yeah.
In that way, though.
Well, what do they say when once you hit.
I don't know what age it is.
I think people say 35 like you've gotta either run a marathon,
start bird watching or get really into plants.
Yeah, like that's your options in life.
Yeah.
And I went with plants.
OK, let's not diagnose Amanda.
No, let's not.
It's not about you.
It's it's about Zara Eloise Row.
And it's worth highlighting here that this story was third place in the IT was
how many category has been called out now Podium episode.
Mm, hmm.
Didn't get rich.
I'm.
So I'm very excited to hear it now, you know,
sometimes we get really critical.
Or maybe they didn't make the cut.
This one made the cut.
So we're going to have to try extra hard to find extra hard,
challenging things to say about this story.
I'm sure we will find some.
And on that note, why don't we just read out the story?
I'll read it.
Yeah.
Why don't I do it?
Please give you a break.
Well, here is Plant Daddy Dave by Zara Eloise
Row.
Meet Dave.
It's a drizzling Monday and he's taking the day off because, well,
why the **** not?
If he's going to be a cog in the corporate machine until he's decrepit,
the least he's owed is his meagre allowance of paid days off.
He pumps his morning wood with speed, fist the whacking against his hairless
pubis.
He forgoes the Lube beside his bed and doesn't bother edging or gooning.
This ***** as perfunctory as brushing his teeth.
Before long he tenses with the rigour of an orgasm which he catches in his palm
and spreads over his ****.
His prized monument shrinks to its cornerstone and he rolls out of bed to
shower, revelling in his stress free start to the
day.
Dave decided long ago he'd never settled down like his simping mates.
He feels vindicated whenever they complain about controlling wives or gold
digging girlfriends.
The only time Dave likes women is when he's ******* them,
and he only ***** women he can DND, dominate and discard.
Dave emerges from his bathroom in dressing gown and Yeti slippers,
sniffs some coke and pads downstairs.
The curtains are drawn in his living room, but he doesn't worry about being
disturbed.
His suburban neighbours don't bother him because he doesn't indulge small talk or
gossip.
He lights a spliff, puts Wes Anderson's Fantastic Mr.
Fox on his wired screen, then sinks into his couch.
On his coffee table is the star of today's show,
a tiny paper square with a :).
He ignores his dealer's advice to not try acid alone his first time,
and to emphatically avoid mixing it with other drugs.
This tiny square won't conquer him.
A real alpha male.
He places it under his tongue and waits.
The first thing Dave notices is the dragon coiled on a horde of laundry
treasure in The Cave under his stairs, snoring in time with gentle waves from
the Persian rug sea in the hallway, he watches with quiet appreciation until
the room plunges Into Darkness.
The film's finished, and Dave's bereft.
He's seen it a million times, but today it's like the characters have
abandoned him for an underground party.
He's not invited to come back.
He shouts, kicking the table.
His outburst wakes the dragon, whose discontent rumbles from The Cave
like Thunder.
Knock it off, you petulant little prick.
Dave pouts, shamed by the beast.
You're being rude to your guests.
My guests?
Dave looks around, surprise.
The room's packed with people cheering for him, their honoured host.
His heart swells.
Nobody's ever thrown him a party.
Alexa, play disco biscuits, he says, clapping the mood lights on.
The syncopated beat of Sheikh's Le Freak shimmies inside him,
and he works the room.
He does lines with bearskin and the yetis, then referees a dance off between the
William Morris birds and the Brass Monkey.
Mafia nymphs lure him to the ethereal portal of his framed Waterhouse.
He longs to be weightless in their waters, to become their Hylas,
nestled in their soft, round breasts.
But the portal won't let him in, **** he needs to touch to be touched.
Even his hand weren't satisfied this ***** euphoria.
Then he spots her, a willowy naiad with viny tresses,
long legs covered in mud.
Dave's a moth to a flame, and the closer he gets,
he sees it's not mud coating the naiad's legs, it's melted chocolate.
He pictures spreading it over his body, her licking it off.
Oh, Fern's getting lucky, and the Venetian masks titter from the
wall.
Dave ignores them, but he's glad to have the naiad's name.
Hey, Fern.
He plays a cool, runs a hand through his hair.
What a dance.
She pulls him close.
I thought you'd never ask.
Her Petrichor perfume wafts over him, and Dave grinds against her,
pushed into sensory overload when her limbs multiply and roam his body.
I want you, Fern.
He growls, feral.
I want you to ride my face until you squirt in my mouth,
then beg me to **** you hard.
Fern grabs his chin, establishing dominance.
You're a filthy little plant Daddy, aren't you?
Dave surrenders immediately.
I'm a filthy little plant daddy, here to please you.
Fern flicks her tongue inside his ear, sending shivers down his spine.
Dave groans.
Oh no woman has ever brought him so close with so little foreplay.
Pathetic.
She pushes him away laughing.
Now get on the floor, show everyone how desperate you are to
please me, Dave Neals eager to worship.
He kisses Ferns feet, works tender, bites up her chocolate coated legs,
finds her warm wet *****.
Ferns prickly ***** chafe against his skin, but he buries his face inside her.
Knowing his humiliation is being witnessed only makes him harder.
He reaches for his straining **** but Fern whips his hand away.
No touching yourself unless I say, she says.
Stand up, you need to be punished.
Dave obeys, wondering how long he can hold out
against this exquisite edging.
Get naked, then bend over table legs.
OpenTable beckons Dave, who feels a tinge of insecurity in his
buff Chrome body.
He strips down and assumes the position.
Prince's sex shooter starts and Fern's hips sway the funky beat.
She leaves Dave waiting, spread eagle until his legs begin to
shake.
Crack.
Tell me the rule.
Crack.
Dave's **** twitches with each stinging slap against his ***.
No touching unless you say.
The whips turn to caresses and Dave humps table pining for some relief.
Looks like Daddy hasn't learned.
Who thinks I should punish his *******?
The revellers holler their agreement.
Do you want me inside you, Daddy?
Yes, fill my ***.
Dave cries, inhibitions fully lowered.
Fern probes her Bony finger into his puckering sphincter.
Oh, deeper.
Oh **** this feels good.
What a greedy little *** taking my whole finger.
Dave gasps as Fern hits his * ****.
Please can I come?
He begs, ******* Table, who bucks under him,
scraping against the floor.
Come for me.
Fern orders.
Dave shoots his *** over table, then lays there, sheened in sweat,
savouring the ecstasy.
As Fern pulls out, he turns, scoops her into his arms.
Let's go somewhere quieter.
He carries her from the room like a bride, but in the hallway,
the Persian rug sea is tumultuous, and Dave isn't feeling brave.
Come on, I know somewhere better.
Dave grabs his keys and they skirt the choppy waters to the front door.
Outside, the sky expands like a balloon being
blown, replacing the dreary morning with a
bright Vista.
On the drive is Dave's spaceship, waiting to fly the lovers away.
He lays Fern down inside, strokes her face,
sucks her budding ******* resumes worshipping at her pussy's altar.
Don't stop, Daddy, keep tongue ******* me.
Dave senses that Ferns close, but the moment's ruined by a banging on
the spaceship.
Dave.
Good heavens.
A giant shrew that sounds like his neighbour Mrs Frodsham,
Pierce through the window.
What are you doing to that thing?
Thing.
Dave's irate.
**** *** you bigoted old ****.
The shrew leaves momentarily, then returns with reinforcements.
Let's get you inside, mate, Says another shrew, concerned,
fighting amusement on his face.
But Dave won't let hate win.
He lifts Fern, kicks the spaceship's door open,
and bowls past the shrews into his house.
Hold on, he shouts, wading into the sea.
Fern wraps around him.
Dave dives in and cuts through the waves with broad strokes until they reach the
shores of his room.
**** me, Daddy, Fern whispers.
Dave's **** is sensitive from the day's efforts,
but a chorus backed sunlight beside the cloud bed illuminates his sacred Lube.
He empties the bottle and thrusts inside Fern, pumping hard and fast.
Finally, she screams.
Water me, Daddy.
Spray me like it's drought season and you're breaking the law.
Teeth clenched with his exertion, Dave comes one last time,
then collapses into Fern's arms.
Mr Freeman, can you hear me?
Dave's shaken awake by a hand on his shoulder.
He tries to speak but wretches, his mouth clogged with soil.
What's going on?
We've had some concerned calls from your neighbours.
A woman's voice.
This time his vision focuses on the two police officers leaning over him,
trying to keep a straight face.
We're just performing a Wellness check.
Dave looks around.
His pristine white sheets are smeared brown and his weeping ficus is under the
covers with him.
I'm OK, Elvis's just his brain catches up.
Adverse reaction to new medication.
He throws some pants on and sees them out, registering the destruction of his hall
runner from his earlier swimming.
His traitorous keys dangle in the open front door,
reminding him he went outside today to cement his shame.
The whole close is out enjoying the spectacle, including Mrs Frodsham.
There's no redemption from this, Dave acknowledges shutting the door.
He'll always be their naked neighbour who ******* a tree.
Maybe, he thinks, ignoring Fern's faint pleas to rejoin her,
it's time I got a girlfriend.
Thank you Zara, that was properly hilarious.
Love that reading it.
Thank you.
I've just brought something up on my phone.
I just want you to consider this like, would you **** this plant?
This is a weeping.
This one in particular, I would say that it is lacking in visible
orifices.
That's a as a start.
Uh huh.
I'm not sexually attracted to that plant, no,
but I'm also not on a whole bunch of LSD or whatever the ****.
What about this, this moment here?
How do you feel about that?
Now they're talking now that you're getting right into the.
I've zoomed in on the trunk, which is like a, it's just in twined.
It's a, it's kind of sexual.
It is.
I don't know if it's kind of sexual or if I've just been reading a lot of flesh
fiction.
Yeah, I think you've been reading a lot of
flesh fiction.
So thanks, Zara.
And Zara has left us a message, so we'll play that now.
Hey guys, Zara, Eloise Rowe here coming to you from
Liverpool in the UK.
Just wanted to say a quick thank you for the Flesh Fiction competition.
It's been such an amazing experience from start to finish and especially the
editorial process with Amanda.
Loved trading puns with you.
So I have two questions for you both.
Firstly, when I write scenes I see them in my mind
like a film or ATV show before writing them.
Or sometimes I'll hear sentences in my internal monologue.
So character point of view is something that I don't typically struggle with even
when the character is far removed from my personality like Dave is.
Also like Amanda.
I have not ****** Houseplant, but I'm interested to see from a reader
and I guess technical editorial standpoint,
how well that translates and if there were any areas where I perhaps took for
granted that the reader didn't have my point of view to immediately get certain
aspects in the scenes.
Secondly, what tips do you have for people writing
outside of their genres, aside from reading that genre?
This was really out of my comfort zone, and one of the reasons I opted for The
Bare Devil was because I felt like if I could handle ****** fiction of mine being
read aloud, I'd be able to handle anything as a
writer.
Because I don't like comedy and all the ****** fiction I have written,
it's confined to my notes app for some vague future use.
So I'd be glad of any broadly transferable tips when it comes to
writing outside of your preferred genres.
OK, thank you.
Bye.
So thank you, Zara.
And let's maybe respond to a couple of your questions before we get into the
story.
I guess the first comment you made around seeing things as like a movie when you're
writing, and I think that's a really good approach.
Yeah, we often say about writing that it is
very visual, it's multi sensory.
But personally, when I'm reading something,
I'm visualising what's taking place.
And I think making sure that you have that visual connection with a reader,
I think it's important, especially in a story like this,
which is very, it's like a very visual story of
slapstick in there.
And it's absolutely the kind of thing that you want to physically picture this
to amplify the comedy.
And do you know what I would say?
I don't typically picture stories that much in my mind.
I'm not a super visual person in that sense.
But in this case I did.
And I think it was because we were being fed those very visual details as well,
and sensory details.
Like you're picturing this guy swimming on the floor in his rug.
And it's hilarious.
And Zara asked, like, how well did that translate?
So I guess the question is, how well did I get the picture out of my
head and onto the page so that someone else coming to this is seeing what I see.
And I think probably pretty well, like, I can't speak to what Zara's image is
versus what mine is.
But like I said, I don't normally picture things.
And I was picturing this whole thing.
And so your second question, Zara was around like,
how do you write outside your comfort zone almost or outside your regular genre?
The only thing I can add to this is just from my own experience of writing for
flesh fiction, which is outside of my comfort zone and
part of it for me.
I didn't read a lot of erotica to do that really,
and I haven't read all that much prior to flesh fiction.
I would say I've read a fair bit now, but probably the only advice I would give
based on my experience is just to try to get comfortable being outside of your own
comfort zone and try to connect with what that genre has to offer and what a reader
gets out of that genre.
Yeah.
And push yourself to deliver that because it may not be the thing you're used to
delivering on the page, but if you can at least put yourself in
that frame of mind, get uncomfortable and embrace that.
And I think there's an extension of that.
When you say get uncomfortable, I think it's important to also get
uncomfortable with a new genre.
You can't expect to just start writing and be the expert.
Yeah, I think you learn by doing, you know,
and I think there'd be a few people out there listening who started writing for
this competition and who are now thinking, that was fun, I want to do it again.
Some of those people did really well, maybe surprised themself in this
competition.
Other people maybe were disappointed by the outcome.
But like, if it's your first time, you can't expect to win.
Or like, you might, you get lucky and you have other talents
and they translate well.
But it's OK to learn.
It's OK to be **** at stuff for a while and to just learn.
And I think we forget that as adults sometimes.
Like we get to a point in our career where we kind of know what we're doing.
We get to a point maybe where our children are old enough that we're like,
well, we haven't killed them yet.
I think that, you know, they're doing OK.
And, and all of these things where we get to
this comfortable point, like speaking for myself in middle age,
very comfortable.
And we forget what it's like to be new at stuff and to suck at it and for that to
just be fine.
So as an extension of reading, which I think is great advice,
absolutely read in the genre you want to write in,
but also just bloody write in it and that's OK.
And bring your own think to it as well.
You can also, of course educate yourself.
You can go and learn about if it's ****** fiction,
like what are the things about that make good ****** fiction?
I published an article with Adult Matchmaker on that and it had some tips.
You can listen to these Bare Devil episodes if you want some tips,
but that's just our opinion.
But it will start you thinking along that track of like, well,
what is it about this genre that's different that I need to do that maybe I
wasn't doing before?
And I do think there are some very specific techniques that set ******
fiction apart.
Some of those I think Zara handles really well.
Like, sensory detail, for example, is a big factor in ****** fiction.
And I think this story delivered a lot of sensory detail.
So I guess just keep doing it.
If you like it, have fun.
Just do it.
Yeah.
And you made the podium with this.
So.
Yeah.
So you've got some talent.
And we just love this story.
It's a great comedy and very sexy.
And the points I made about getting outside of your comfort zone,
you certainly did.
I mean, I assume you did.
I've assumed this is not your comfort zone.
Actually, I have to say Zara got a little bit
defensive in that comment there when she when she left her voicemail, like, oh,
and this is this is not me at all.
And and I've never ****** a houseplant.
And, and you know, and I, I would say the same.
I've never ****** a houseplant.
Yeah, we can all comfortably say that.
Yeah, let's get that on the table.
None of us here has ever ****** on this plant on the table.
Have you ****** a table?
Tea table?
It shouldn't need to be said.
No, I have not.
I feel like Bill Clinton right now.
Is it because you're intimidated by its buff Chrome body or why is this about me?
I'm not the bare devil.
OK, moving swiftly along, let's talk about the title because,
you know, a plus.
No notes on this one.
This is a great title.
Great fun.
All the things we say about titles recalls the story is a lot of fun is
creative.
It's the tones in your mind or we were on Rabbits podcast the other day,
a Rabbits pod van podcast.
And this very story title came up and was a topic of conversation like it is on
title alone.
A great story and great title is one thing.
And then having the story back it up is another thing.
And the story 100% backs it up.
But it's this is a case of the title elevating the story,
the story elevating the title.
And it's like this great feedback loop that makes everything better.
I'm trying to not go in a sexual direction with these references.
So yeah, so far so good.
All right, so let's get into the story and this.
We are not going line by line because we'll be here all bloody night.
I tell you what, though, I went line by line with Zara in the
edits for Yeah collection and it was fun.
It's fun to get into the weeds, if you will, on this story.
I'm sure probably a lot of what I'm going to say is not going to be a surprise to
Zara right now, but we will share it with everyone.
OK, well fill us in then.
Amanda, let's talk about the opening.
Fill you in like a pot, let's say.
Well, look, you know, I did get into the detail,
and we don't necessarily have to go like that level of detail.
All right, well, let's just start with the opening,
which is meet Dave.
It's a drizzling Monday and he's taken the day off because, well,
why the **** not?
If he's going to be a cog in the corporate machine until he's decrepit,
the least he's owed is his meagre allowance of paid days off.
Relatable, totally relatable, and sets up a a character that we can all
relate to, but also, you know, great voice from the outset.
The whole Meet Dave thing I think works really well here and creates that fun
atmosphere right off the bat.
We know he's got a day off.
We know he's got time to do what he's about to do.
So we're not stressed about what else he has going on in his life.
I guess that's the least of our worries.
Yeah.
And, you know, straight into that he pumps his morning
wood with speed.
And what I loved about this part of the scene as well as we've got his great
voice, but we're also getting hints about who he
is as a person.
So these lines, like he doesn't bother edging or gooning,
you know, these are kind of like chronically online
terms, I would say men's terms.
And that starts to give you a hint at like, who he is.
Also, he's hairless pubis like that he that he
trims his ***** maybe to make his member be larger.
I don't know.
Why'd you get that information from the Internet where you spend too much time?
OK, well, no.
Well, I guess we're left to question why maybe
is the point there.
But this in particular, I really love this line.
His prized monument shrinks to its cornerstone.
Love it.
It's and we've got this sort of offset between this like chronically online,
kind of, shall I say, loser kind of guy versus this view he has
of himself.
Like he's got this expensive artwork kind of thing.
He's got a Persian rug and you know, he's prized monument and all of that.
He's got this view of himself.
But then maybe the reality is a little bit different.
And I think all of that is building a very strong picture and it's really fun
as well.
Like that contradiction.
So all of that is fantastic.
And it has to be said that this was a third placing story.
So a lot of my feedback when we were going through the editing process was
like, I love this bit, I love this bit, I love this bit too.
And I, I think that's how it went going through.
And we did get into detail at certain points of like, oh,
switch this word around and like, break this sentence up.
So we did get down to that level.
But one thing I did suggest to Zara, so once we get to he's watching the Wes
Anderson film, he ignores his dealer's advice to not try
acid alone for the first time and to emphatically avoid mixing it with other
drugs.
And I suggested at that point maybe to dramatise that a bit,
like the remembered dialogue from that conversation with the dealer,
because it's sort of summarised it out.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
It's not necessarily a detail we need to dwell on.
But yeah, what's he actually remembering there Like
this?
It's sort of a little bit of a mouthful, you know,
to emphatically avoid mixing it with other drugs.
Like, is that what he's thinking or is he
actually remembering what the deal is saying?
So what I did also love was how quickly and easily Zara dropped us into this
hallucination.
Like, one minute he's watching a movie, the next minute there's a dragon under
the stairs.
And none of us are questioning anything we've set up.
We're ready to go when the dragon appears.
It's not a shock.
Yeah, there's no time passes moment here.
We're just straight in, which makes a lot of sense.
We know enough about Dave to move on at this point.
We've got our setup.
I did, however, suggest a scene break there.
We didn't have one.
So.
And that's more from a print publishing point of view that you have a double line
break and, you know, start a new scene.
Some people separate it with little asterisks or whatever,
but it just gives you that beat to realise time's passed, OK.
And you don't even have to say that.
One thing that I found a little difficult was there was this mention of the Wes
Anderson film, but I actually lost that.
And I think you probably covered it well when you were reading there.
But I didn't really register that he was watching a film.
And so that kind of confused me a little.
And maybe that's just reflective of me not paying enough attention.
But sometimes I think if a detail's kind of just dropped in,
you risk the reader forgetting you've mentioned it.
And that's where beta readers can come in and go hang on.
I forgot he was watching a film.
Can you sort of put in a little reminder of that?
And so that's that role there in the editing process as well.
To just say he's my experience as a reader.
It may not be everyone, but that bit was lost on me.
Yeah.
I mean, there's some minor points there.
And just around the the film, it's not really critical to the plot.
And I wonder if it's the idea of watching a movie like Fantastic Mr.
Fox with it's like weird animations is what's setting up kind of the visuals of
this next scene.
But it's not actually that critical to the plot.
And he could be doing anything.
He's watching the movie, he takes the drugs,
and then the movie ends.
I think maybe that's the issue.
It was kind of glossed over so quickly that we didn't really ever linger in that
moment long enough for it to register.
That's what he was doing.
I mean, and maybe this comes back to Zara's
question where she's saying I can picture this all in my mind.
Yeah.
How well is that translating?
Well, maybe that's an example of a moment where
as Sara's writing, she's picturing him on the couch and he's
watching this film.
And that's there's a whole extra bit of like direction that happens there that
didn't actually come onto the page where he sits in front of the TV and he's
watching it for a little while before he has this moment.
I feel like there was maybe an opportunity there because while Fantastic
Mr.
Fox, it's been a long time since I've seen
that movie, but I've never seen it.
So.
But thematically, does it fit?
Yeah, really what you're trying to say here.
And it to some degree, again, the quirkiness of it and the weird stuff
happening might lead in.
But I wonder if it would be better to have a movie like what's the one from the
80s with the carnivorous plant, Little Shop of Horrors or something like
that.
You know, something plant related that features a
plant quite heavily that might then inspire the next moments with the plant.
Maybe there is that moment in Fantastic Mr.
Fox that I'm forgetting about because it again, has been a while.
But yeah, maybe thematically, if you're kind of going into plants,
what is the trigger that makes plants in this state of mind that he's in,
that makes plants become the focal point for him?
Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, there's a lot of options here because you
could take it a lot of different ways.
I don't know.
Fantastic Mr.
Fox.
So that's another issue, I guess, that you're trying to create something
but maybe not all readers are really picking up on because it's not enough of
a pop culture reference for everyone to sort of reliably get it.
Like you might with like, Jurassic Park or something.
Like something more popular than.
Is there a movie that's more reflective of who he is as a person as well?
Like, what kind of movie would Dave watch?
Like if he's the kind of person who's maybe a bit of a loser,
but who has a pretty high, I think that does hit that.
OK.
Because, you know, not to generalise, but it is a bit of a film, bro movie.
OK, Right.
You know, for a certain type.
So that could be the angle.
Well, I mean, clearly it is.
And I guess that's just a part that was lost on me, but it didn't matter.
Like, it's not like it, I was confused.
I just moved on and didn't notice it, I guess.
And maybe had I been more familiar with the movie,
maybe that moment would have resonated with me more and I wouldn't have had that
issue of sort of forgetting he was watching the film and stuff.
But look, then we get the dragon, right?
And again, that that kind of idea of, well, we're going from Fantastic Mr.
Fox to dragon to plant.
And while it is all tied up in the drug kind of induced thing,
maybe there's an opportunity to make it a little bit more cohesive in terms of the
characters, the cast of characters that are coming
out.
I don't know the dragon, where does it come from in the inputs
into this acid trip?
Don't speak to a dragon to me, if you if that makes sense.
Not that it's terribly out of place.
Like if if he's on drugs and he's hallucinating,
a dragon might be the kind of thing that you see.
But I'm just not sure where it's coming from.
I guess.
I guess in a movie, you might start with, as we have here,
the items in the room and then like, and they get foreshadowed earlier in the
movie.
You know, he interacts with these items in his home
earlier in the film, and then once his acid trip hits,
they all start to pay off because they're coming back again.
So I think that works.
Like, we haven't, I guess, really been introduced to all of those
items before they start appearing in the hallucination.
But if this was a film, you would have perhaps seen them.
And yeah, maybe there's an opportunity there to
refine it.
One thing I did challenge in my feedback to Zara was just around the items that
are in Dave's home and how that resonated with me in terms of his characters.
So there's this mention of a framed Waterhouse,
and I'm not familiar with that name.
I'm not big into art.
So, you know, we just casually mention Waterhouse.
That's a little bit of assumed knowledge there.
But once I looked it up, I'm thinking, OK, this is interesting that this guy would
have this painting in his home.
It was interesting to me that he would have a Persian rug in his home,
that he would have Venetian masks on the wall.
It didn't fit, I guess with, you know, you're saying film bro.
Like it didn't fit with this view I had of him being sort of chronically online
and stuff like that.
Certainly fit from a sense of he likes fancy things and he likes to sort of
surround himself with fancy things.
They make him feel like a big man.
But I don't know, the choice of things like there was sort
of a femininity about it a little bit and and things like that,
that to me weren't playing into or feeding into that character that had been
established in the start with the edging and the gooning and all of this sort of
stuff.
So I did challenge some of that Zara push back on some of that.
So those items remain.
But like the nymphs, like I just wasn't sure.
Is this the guy who's picturing nymphs as the first thing and you know that he
pictures when he's having this hallucination?
I don't know.
My opinion is that it doesn't fit, but it does add a bit of colour too that
is maybe unexpected and interesting.
I think something should be said for, you know,
maybe throwing in a few details that set up your character.
You could give the online references the movie,
maybe one other thing and then let the reader kind of put those together and get
a picture of the character.
But could be the case that if you start adding to that,
it gets a little bit muddled because now you're kind of,
you might be thinking about two or three different kinds of people that might have
some of those qualities, but not necessarily all of those
qualities.
And now you're trying to pack in quite a complex character into a story.
We don't need to know maybe all of that about the character.
It's not all adding value necessarily.
Yeah, At some point it it, it stops being we're getting to know this
character and becomes like, how do I reconcile all of these things I
know about the character and which are relevant to and pay it off?
Kind of.
Yeah, exactly.
And pay it off.
Yeah.
I guess there's a couple of ways of looking at it.
And so one is, you know, if we're talking about refining a story
in the art of storytelling, and we talk about flash fiction,
very short fiction, every element of your story needs to be
adding value, contributing to either character
development or to the plot.
If it's not doing that, why is it there?
It's like you're telling your friend a story.
Why are you giving me this detail?
Because then later they go, hang on, what happened there?
You like, Oh no, no, no, forget about that.
That had nothing to do with it.
That's kind of the experience of the reader.
And you think, well, if you're going to put it in,
you need to pay it off.
Otherwise why is it there?
And if it's not getting paid off if for example you have a dragon that you never
hear from again in the story.
Why was the dragon there in the 1st place?
Now, that's all valid questions.
And the other way to look at it is this is entertainment and this is just giving
a visual.
And Zara has described it as like, I had this image in my head and you can
picture the movie scene where all of this chaotic **** is happening and all it is,
is an acid trip.
It doesn't have to make sense, you know?
So there's that side of it as well where it's OK to just be like,
it's chaos and there's crazy **** happening and it's just for entertainment
and not for like reader satisfaction and storytelling, you know?
And I would probably tend towards caring more about the storytelling and wanting
to refine it and wanting to think through which elements I feature and which maybe
can make the cutting room floor.
But as you said, I don't think there's anything here
that's like ruining the story or anything like that that needs to go.
It's more an option that's available to consider.
Is this adding value at least as entertainment or towards the plot or
character, or is it something that's maybe in my
head but not necessarily value add?
I mean, and to that point, as we kind of step through this story,
there's not a whole lot really that, you know,
personally that I'm going to be able to add to this because it's a lot of fun.
And the words on the page, the characters that are evoked here,
we've got, like, the dragon, we've got the nymphs,
then we've got Fern herself.
All of them are a lot of fun.
And they've all got great lines.
And they say some funny **** and, like, it's all great.
Like, once the story gets going, it really gets going.
Yeah.
I mean, again, like, looking into the detail in the editing
process, there were little things.
Like, for example, when Table is first mentioned as a
character, it's not clear that Table is a character.
It's capitalised.
And it takes you kind of a few seconds to go.
Hang on.
That sentence didn't ring right in my ear.
Why not?
Oh, OK, Table is like sentient now, a kind of thing.
And so that just needed to be signposted a little better.
And it's the same when we get to the other characters too.
We've got the Yetis, which are the Yeti slippers.
But again, by the time that was mentioned again,
I'd forgotten he had left Yeti slippers.
So when it's the yetis, I didn't know what that meant.
And it's talking about the William Morris birds and the Brass Monkey Mafia.
These are references that are lost on me.
I don't know what those things are that are being referenced there.
So just a little bit of signposting so that we can share in that vision,
because I think some of those things are quite specific and some just needed a
little bit more, tiny bit more hand holding for the reader
to picture what was happening.
Yeah, there are a lot of different elements.
You know, it's hard as a reader, especially like first reading.
These are all washing over you, and there's so many little references,
so many little details that you're not going to remember every one of them.
And when they come back, when one of them does come back a second
time to become relevant to the plot, it might feel like it's a new thing.
Yeah.
I mean, even the Waterhouse, right?
The mention of his framed Waterhouse and Waterhouse is capitalised.
I didn't immediately picture a painting.
In hindsight that's obvious.
But at the time my brain, I will tell you, my brain was Waterhouse like a pool house,
like it was a building, which okay is wrong and that's me.
But like, I didn't see a painting there.
So if we're sort of assuming people know what a Waterhouse is and what Venetian
masks are and know what Venetian masks are.
So that one was OK for me, but might not be OK for other readers as
well.
So yeah, like, I think maybe some of these things are a
little too casually mentioned as as if we might know what they are.
And as you say, there's quite a few of them.
So maybe just if we were able to reduce the number of them,
we could maybe linger on them a little bit more and let them have a little bit
more meaning than just they're there.
Like, what else are they bringing?
What's the subtext of a Venetian mask?
What's the subtext of a Persian rug?
Like what?
Apart from just being there in this scene, what else are they giving us?
But so many great lines in this that were really fun to read.
Like water me daddy spray me.
Like it's drought season and you're breaking the law.
I love that.
And I think, look, I think lines like that really can just
carry a story if you've got enough surprising kind of moments like that.
I actually suggested an edit to that line.
Yeah.
To say hose me, daddy.
Yeah, but I like that as well.
Like, it's single effect.
Yeah.
Look, a couple of technical things that might
be helpful to other writers in this story.
So one of the things I pulled up a couple of times was, so we've got the line.
Dave's **** twitches with each stinging slap against his *** and nothing wrong
with that, but something that I would often suggest
is to describe the actions in the order that they occur.
So the slap happens before his cocktwitch.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but like really,
if the reader's following along, which bit are they seeing 1st?
And if we're seeing it out of order, then it can be a little bit confusing.
So there are a couple of instances of that, but that's easily fixed.
Yeah.
And it's it's minor, but it does take a moment as a reader to,
like, shuffle things in your mind as you kind
of replay that scene.
Yeah.
So like another example, Dave gasps as Fern hits his * ****.
And I mean, this is possibly a personal pet peeve or
preference sort of thing, but something's happening as something
else is happening.
And sometimes that's appropriate, but more often than not,
I prefer to just have the action happen.
So Fern hits his * **** then he gasps, He's not gasping and it's happening.
It's like A cause and effect thing.
So not happening at once, but something caused the other thing to
happen.
Even if it's a split second later.
It does often mean, I mean, if you're going to rephrase things that
way, it does mean that you've got to split
into two sentences really and add a little bit more to it.
Just, it's just, and Fern hits his * **** and Dave gasps.
It's just, and it's, it's not an extra word or anything like,
again, personal preference.
And you know, that's probably not an example that's
particularly triggering for me, but there are others where it's like
those two things aren't happening at the same time.
They are happening separately to each other.
And I don't think it's appropriate to sort of describe them as if they're
happening at the same time.
Another line that I guess I challenged was outside the sky expands like a
balloon being blown, replacing the dreary morning with a
bright Vista.
I suggested instead, outside the sky expands like a bright
balloon.
That's it.
Yeah.
I think that idea of that expanding like a balloon is really beautiful.
And I think that's the thing you want to emphasise.
So you just get rid of everything else.
If you've ever taken a lot of drugs and stepped outside,
like that's a pretty good description of what happens.
Does it make the sound effect too, like that stretching rubber sound effect?
So let's go into, I guess the climax and the ending.
And look what I just want to call out as we look at that climax that Zara hasn't
shield away from a little bit of explicitness.
Yeah.
Like we're getting some tongue *******.
We're getting getting some ***** action.
Even though it's plant *****.
We all understand it's action.
It's explicit.
Love to see it.
Yeah.
And what is also really fun is when you're reading this knowing it's a
******* houseplant.
Yeah.
And then the narrator is talking about him coming back in and he's wading
through the Persian rug sea.
And then he's like, there's dirt everywhere and the plants
with him in the bed.
And you're just picturing what's actually happening.
And as the reader, Dave's not in on it yet.
You're watching it.
You know exactly what's happening, and it's ******* hilarious.
And then when the other characters start to come in, he's like, he comes too,
and there's police officers there, and they're trying hard not to laugh.
It's just like chef's kiss.
Yeah.
Great moment.
Yeah.
And I think the way that that kind of the whole wrap up of the story is handled,
I think that's quite good.
I think it's pretty much the logical conclusion to this story is that, like,
the drugs wear off at some point and he has to face reality.
I feel like he gets off a bit lightly, though, after those escapades.
He was outside naked, naked, having sex with a plant.
And I feel like the repercussions might be a little bit more severe under some
circumstances.
So I don't know.
But he's he's he's contrite.
That moment though, where he looks at the door and the keys
are in the open door and he's like, I went outside today.
That's such a good moment.
But as you say, maybe the reaction could have been hit a
little bit harder there.
But because it's a comedy, I guess we don't want to go too far into
the dark side either.
Yeah.
And I'm not sure what the best moment to leave the story on is.
So we end the story on it's time I got a girlfriend.
So I guess a few options.
You can leave it there on that thought It's time I got a girlfriend.
That kind of links back to maybe the kind of person this character is.
I like that, though.
I like this idea of this circularity.
And it is that, right?
We come in, he's like taking a day off work.
He's chronically online.
He's just ************ all the time.
And then we get to the end and it's like, OK, too far,
like gone too far and I need a girlfriend.
I think that's great.
I actually really like that as an ending.
One thing I did suggest to Zara was maybe bringing in Mrs Frodsham and her husband
again, like they're mentioned sort of in passing
at the ending there, like the the neighbours have made a call
and all that sort of thing.
But to again, pay that off, you've got those characters and now
you've introduced police as well.
OK, that's fine because that's escalating.
But like, let's let those characters do some of
this wrap up.
Not just he's all in his head like oh **** this is happening.
But like, what's the dialogue between him and Mrs
Frodsham now?
I think that's a great idea.
What if Mrs Frodsham had turned up instead of the police like and she was
holding a little pot and spayed?
Oh, hello.
What?
Where's your head going?
Mrs Fosham?
Isn't she?
She's sweat to plants.
She's a gardener, alright.
She's seen Dave how Dave takes care of a plant.
Listen, she's a shrew.
What you.
You're saying she needs her?
She needs her pot filled, right?
Yeah.
She needs to see her garden grow kind of thing.
She needs to see his garden grow.
OK.
And.
Yeah.
Alright.
Well, I mean, that's not where my head work,
but I did enjoy that little detour there.
That's good.
That's good fun.
Mine was more.
OK, what was yours?
Well, more the judgmental shrew is back again
and and has more.
Well, she was judgmental and then she's like,
maybe I see how you worked your tongue into those roots.
Exactly.
Now you're now you're getting it.
I'm on board now.
I'm fully on board.
Alright, well, that's an option available to you, Zara.
But like, on the whole, great ending.
We all got there, if you know what I mean.
We take your pardon.
I thought you weren't into plans.
What's happened?
We all appreciated it, let's say.
And I mean, maybe that's the time to address this.
Was it sexy?
It was sexual.
Was it sexy, like at at times, I think it was a little bit.
He was into it.
And I think that's the secret, right?
We've said this before about other stories,
including the kink and taboo stories or whatever.
It doesn't have to be your thing.
If the character is really into it.
He was really, he was really.
It's not that I go, oh, OK, now I want to have sex with a plant
because I don't.
But like the emotions there.
You're like, all right, this guy's having a good time.
Well, look, Dave definitely made the unsexy
irresistible in that moment.
So well done, Dave, and well done, Zara.
Great story.
You made the podium.
You already knew it was a great story and you've already had Amanda's line edit,
so there's plenty for you to think about, but hopefully we've given you a little
bit more there.
Yeah, and we did.
I think you had some great insights there, Ed, that I enjoyed as well.
Took us on a few different other optional paths as well.
But I think what might be interesting to some of our listeners is to maybe grab a
copy of Flesh Fiction and see what changed.
Yeah.
What did we edit?
What did Zara agree with?
Because of course we don't expect the authors to agree with all of our
suggestions.
What stayed, what went, how did things change?
And yeah, just compare.
And we haven't mentioned it on the previous Baredevil,
which is like so stupid of us.
But Flesh Fiction is available on our website right now if you head over to the
website and click on the books link in the menu.
Yes, please.
Do you buy a copy?
Please do tell all of your friends.
We would love for this book to, like go viral and for every author in
this book to just become instafamous overnight because they bloody deserve it.
Yeah, and 31 stories in that book.
So which Zara's is one in the first volume,
plus another two volumes coming out this year.
It's like ******* 90 stories or something.
I mean, it's just like, my maths is not that great,
but it's like a Persian rug.
Sea of sea of come.
Alright, let's come to the chase.
You men are always cutting to the chase, *** **** it.
Skipping the foreplay.
Come inside the mind of a man.
But thank you Zara.
That was a wonderful story.
And look, we loved reading it the first time,
we loved reading it the second time, and we are looking forward to publishing
it and sharing it with the world in its final form.
It's edited, polished form.
I will say, even though this story came third,
it is still a huge act of bravery to put it out there,
to put your name on it and to say I made this with my own brain.
You know, I'm here for it.
Obviously, I absolutely loved it and you found your
audience.
So thank you so much.
And thank you for submitting to like all the detailed critique and for being such
a willing critique partner in that editing process as well because it does
make it go a lot smoother.
But yeah, that brings us to the end of this bare
devil.
But we couldn't let you go without a little verbal spanking.
No.
So our resident Dom Elise is here to give you a little message.
Sarah.
Oh, you're a naughty one, aren't you?
You like to make a misogynist?
**** a tree and roll in the dirt.
What a dirty girl.
If you want to please me though, you have to go harder.
Give him a cactus next time.
So take that, Zara.
So we'll be back in a week's time, The 3rd and final Bare Devil.
And look, it's none other than the infamous Holly
Burn Sadowski from Kansas, the Not the Kansas 1.
So look forward to that in a weeks time.
But until then, right on, right on.
We hope you enjoyed this special Daredevil episode of Not Quite Right.
If you have thoughts on this story, follow us on social media and join the
conversation.
And if you'd like to participate in the next round of the competition,
head over to ourwebsite@notquiteright.com.
That's WRITE something doesn't seem quite right.
What's wrong with me?
You're drunk.
You're giving drunk.