WEBVTT

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Not Quite Right features discussions that
are unfiltered and uncensored,

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and may include themes that are
inappropriate for younger listeners.

f38aef8e-251f-4cce-b589-db21729e0c80-0
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Also, I swear a lot.

5914faef-4486-46f3-af53-870cc8565b8b-0
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Something doesn't seem quite right.

7e19284b-ea43-4a2c-8732-cc3183f07aaa-0
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Welcome to Not Quite Right.

ece148dc-4e1e-4ae9-a70b-f9655a84437e-0
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My name's Ed and I'm Amanda.

c9d1b50d-6ce1-4da4-a754-078871ba5feb-0
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How are you going?

545d28e9-b814-41c4-8840-d9fef0241266-0
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A couple of drinks already.

6bfdfeeb-edf1-44d5-9138-a86f682a4197-0
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I'm a little bit concerned about how this
is going to go for both me and our

6bfdfeeb-edf1-44d5-9138-a86f682a4197-1
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Daredevil.

20f57657-3281-48eb-aabe-f405684bba26-0
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Yes, Well, you're slightly drunk.

b4685e96-184b-4ac7-a4b8-c25a118ca9a4-0
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I'm in a really weird mood.

379f9b47-8c34-465a-95f5-51d737277cd2-0
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You are in a I'm like half elated.

62d541b3-1792-4256-8a5b-3d79aed6a3b3-0
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I'm half about to have a nervous
breakdown.

8555a08c-5772-4e34-9f61-841a8739ee02-0
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It's the vicissitudes of life,
vicissitudes pulling and pushing on me in

8555a08c-5772-4e34-9f61-841a8739ee02-1
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every direction.

c618074d-2716-4d0c-9ddf-04aaad54ff95-0
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And I don't know what's going on.

099f5f56-c827-4ae7-a4b9-fbd029d4be67-0
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So it's the only fun one for our
daredevil today.

1b37c04e-a5f8-4461-8ed4-b673c9f99a7c-0
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Red flag is when you start using the word
versus a chance that's that's a sign that

1b37c04e-a5f8-4461-8ed4-b673c9f99a7c-1
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something is not OK.

99cc35a6-1854-4236-a4c1-bdfa05090494-0
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It's definitely not quite right here and
not quite right today.

8a6c5cca-75f9-4fed-8192-5778bdbb2e35-0
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OK, well at least we're on brand.

39bd0b01-c29b-483d-b2d9-b95da833ea55-0
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So welcome to the 4th Daredevil for the
April round of the Not Quite Right Prize

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for Flash Fiction.

10e2ba61-342a-4e9a-812a-bf09a9dd6553-0
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And Daredevils are people who have signed
up for the honour of being torn into

10e2ba61-342a-4e9a-812a-bf09a9dd6553-1
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little pieces by Amanda and I on the
podcast.

6de37f8a-87a1-4b4b-ac9f-6dc26fbf8a86-0
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Torn into Vicissitude, if you will.

3b4379d1-fff2-41d9-964f-d4f930279e03-0
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So we'll read the story,
we'll talk about the story,

3b4379d1-fff2-41d9-964f-d4f930279e03-1
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share our thoughts and opinions,
and hopefully we'll learn something in

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the process.

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Today's brave daredevil is Lisa Vitali.

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So Lisa's been entering not quite right
prize since April of 2025,

23f210b2-4157-4fe0-9336-5c4138744ec0-1
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where she actually received a wild card.

9e67f6ce-4524-489a-8262-a1bc08da70c3-0
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That was from me for her story A New
Bloom,

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which I remember it was about a kind of
an older couple meet cute.

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Very nice story,
but Lisa hasn't made the long list since

c8324ce0-818c-43f9-acc0-cfe5c2c174b4-1
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that story.

3695b979-34c4-4884-9715-0118653f606e-0
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All right, rub it in.

5d07d4fb-6d41-47f1-85be-c76e0329c4d8-0
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So no doubt she has signed up for a
daredevil to find out why.

dafdf92b-8f38-46ad-bf9d-3d2297d39c98-0
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Good strategy, to be honest.

953eef3f-bffe-4f3d-94a6-afb026ac010c-0
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So Lisa's written for Team Amanda this
round.

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Woo you.

4d4b1ff8-5f9d-4c63-852b-e20799b54eea-0
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So my team had the word St the action of
breaking out and the kicker of

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prominently featuring a break dancing
move.

a93e5cb9-c19d-4f3f-98a7-4d059d1d880e-0
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And you have the honour of reading this
story today.

6b2c9aff-4c2d-4cc7-bce2-b638489cd838-0
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I do.

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And so here is Amy and Abby go day
drinking in the Hunter Valley by Lisa

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Vitali.

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If you enjoy your fingers,
don't feed them to the Peacocks.

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Amy's drinking her wine.

52d2e830-367c-44c8-9d4c-84657414775f-0
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I know because the winery Splatoon echoes
when I spit out mine.

a24dbc08-37df-4927-92f6-657c21e13b8a-0
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***** she promised breakfast before wine
tasting, Swore we'd eat early.

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Yet here we are,
third winery and not even a breadcrumb

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all morning.

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I'd kill for a ******* Gherkin.

eb968a11-b0ad-4a73-b8df-c3447a007e3b-0
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The sommelier catches my eye and drops
down to break out a bottle of Pinot Noir.

abf5c94a-357b-4c97-8dcd-cbdaa2aebedd-0
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He's super hot.

6d3ad79b-18f7-4864-89fc-d3557f47a54a-0
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Blue eyes,
curly brown hair pulled into a bun.

e52b7ec2-3b8f-41ff-adaa-386ce6dcce0a-0
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I'm pretty sure he's got a six pack to go
with that ***** *** currently sticking in

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my face.

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Amy's shoving her glass forwards,
leaning so her **** spill forwards too.

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**** how do you enjoy our Chardonnay wine?

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Fabio asks,
grabbing a Corkscrew to open the pinot.

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He pours half a glass each.

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I sway in my seat.

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Delish.

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What do you say?

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Bloody brilliant.

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Amy tries to affect an Australian accent.

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Picking up her glass to Australia.

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She cheeses me.

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You girls know the local toast yet here
you say.

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Cheers.

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Big ears,
Juan Fabio smiles at me and you say,

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pointing at Amy.

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Same goes big nose.

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I pour at my nose.

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It's not that big.

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******* rude *** Australians.

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I take a chug, swallowing the juicy,
very red liquid, hints of vanilla.

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Finally Amy winks.

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Abby doesn't always like to swallow.

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I cough, tasting wine.

399e1a75-cca7-419e-a541-7a626ed01eb2-0
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A loud meow like sounds startles me and I
spill my glass.

e18e5549-c0ad-48f8-977e-8f4dfcf63c38-0
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What the hell?

9916b60d-ab97-464c-bcab-b3e68e7c8626-0
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I whirl around.

099b3777-2909-407c-82bd-8083f976a3be-0
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Another meow.

79349cd2-b1fd-4a68-9da7-b0380c7c7008-0
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Ah, the Peacocks wine.

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Fabio wipes down the bar and refills my
glass.

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My fingers graze his as I grab it so soft
I burp.

6460a147-5af4-4b2d-93f9-d3cec17f00d4-0
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They usually hang out across the street
till midday, then wander over for a feed.

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Yeah, your sign.

ec76ed5e-bb8d-4334-bd75-2462f143d256-0
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They're not really going to eat our
fingers, right?

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Amy smiles,
her teeth sculled grotesquely from the

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wine.

d050c3d4-7dd8-4b45-a7b4-609d47330c85-0
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Speaking of eating, I slur.

42374ef3-ff88-4123-bc66-d5fa37118451-0
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You got any pretzels?

0cdb845d-ebf6-44a6-995a-ae725f6bbb7a-0
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Wine, Fabia.

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So nuts.

c95eb1ae-621c-4077-9d08-d0916793ee95-0
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I chuckle, thinking.

70c218f2-c28c-414f-a7ce-faa590b14db7-0
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**** I devour a roasted Peacock.

a0b5c68d-f5d8-49d3-bfb0-6dddfb70bac9-0
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Amy laughs.

e67857bf-afb2-443d-b466-44b53aefb3d6-0
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You'd eat a Peacock?

1e57f73c-52a4-4544-a82b-45cc1f697e5c-0
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And did you just call him wine, Fabio?

4066ca9d-4fb1-4d74-a602-ce98c98aeb09-0
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Oh, my God.

08c6dd91-8a1e-4346-a2a6-eca4cf588e7e-0
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So dramatic, Abby.

6db324cd-112e-4dd6-b122-ecf4d243df25-0
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We'll get food.

adb71528-0a86-4204-b81a-20cf77219caf-0
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Promise.

56ae91d8-439c-4dbb-9224-4da3aee37387-0
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She's I said that out loud.

cb7a3821-ab99-44e1-8bb8-dfbbfc3501ca-0
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I look at Wine Fabio.

8df9005b-3cd4-4a6e-a505-3bec8f8be6ac-0
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He's laughing as he opens a merlo,
then winks at me.

c13f8c7d-2d26-49bf-baff-71ec8b1cb1ee-0
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Yeah,
those Peacocks are more dangerous than

c13f8c7d-2d26-49bf-baff-71ec8b1cb1ee-1
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drop bears.

4b1d746d-0e11-4e31-8e22-ad657890af28-0
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Drop bears, Abby, let's see the Peacocks.

ad381eaa-5dee-494d-93a0-ba5e8cfcbba8-0
00:06:08.240 --> 00:06:10.240
She's already up, glass in hand.

2a7d68a2-ff9d-4209-b9f9-51447d701d4f-0
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I lurch after her.

d5026e6e-19ee-45e4-8895-b6ac4c928697-0
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One of the birds is strutting towards Amy,
who's got her hand out like she's going

d5026e6e-19ee-45e4-8895-b6ac4c928697-1
00:06:17.085 --> 00:06:18.200
to pet the damn thing.

60d989d0-5086-4df6-9ec1-eeff29c2ce78-0
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A flash of blue,
green and red as an unholy shriek fills

60d989d0-5086-4df6-9ec1-eeff29c2ce78-1
00:06:23.858 --> 00:06:26.779
the air,
followed by the tinkling of breaking

60d989d0-5086-4df6-9ec1-eeff29c2ce78-2
00:06:26.779 --> 00:06:27.160
glass.

43b6b730-537a-46a6-b0f0-5993ca73a5ef-0
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Amy grabs her hand, howling.

b4bd574f-3c6a-462d-b85b-5f76068a3661-0
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****.

a8d23085-bd39-4ed8-91be-1123abdcbaf7-0
00:06:31.760 --> 00:06:32.720
You right, mate?

889d4636-8c3a-404d-990e-130871d251be-0
00:06:33.560 --> 00:06:33.880
Wine.

80615282-7060-49eb-9808-6f877bcf32df-0
00:06:33.880 --> 00:06:35.240
Fabio rushes over.

05b88d0f-6d4e-400e-9261-7bd938589f39-0
00:06:35.600 --> 00:06:37.280
Amy's flopping on the ground.

9e9b228d-8444-48c5-bc73-b274a583f1f8-0
00:06:38.400 --> 00:06:43.680
Aye, sip my Merlot, Abby ice from the bar.

8252880c-7b1e-49ec-8e59-d519ebb1ca3c-0
00:06:44.160 --> 00:06:44.920
He barks.

270e11ee-5a5b-4108-835a-9822d9d109e3-0
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I nod and run.

78e09527-b60b-4cea-b7e0-c0a1035018db-0
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He knows my name.

bab2733e-1f9b-4b5d-8eb3-5cc10acce2fa-0
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We get Abby sorted with an ice pack and
wine.

02d75599-06b3-48e8-ba33-98fd45183855-0
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Fabio looks at me.

0d4007cc-70b4-4920-9c8f-3d1958a05316-0
00:06:56.840 --> 00:06:57.680
Name's Mark.

9af042b0-5b66-4d58-929f-905f706448a3-0
00:06:59.000 --> 00:07:03.560
We don't have roasted Peacock,
but we serve wood oven pizza next door.

3b1c8d60-28bf-4e94-870a-e9c0d6f4aa68-0
00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:06.680
Fancy some lunch?

9a0f6aaa-ae45-4377-943a-04c760c5cdd2-0
00:07:20.080 --> 00:07:21.560
So thank you, Lisa, for your story.

bc43cd31-1f33-4e5e-8676-2ef85554984a-0
00:07:22.080 --> 00:07:25.120
And Lisa's left us a voicemail,
so we'll play that now.

09f3fd02-dc68-4793-a002-b23ba388c2ae-0
00:07:28.000 --> 00:07:29.760
Ed and Amanda, it's scurvy.

5360055d-b26f-4bb7-8222-dcd6ea432c29-0
00:07:29.760 --> 00:07:31.280
Some of you know me as Lisa.

017a2e69-c298-4bb4-b41c-14364a94637c-0
00:07:31.280 --> 00:07:33.360
I have no idea what I'm doing.

08604c99-c140-4b94-a341-3108e1a2e446-0
00:07:33.360 --> 00:07:37.880
I did this as punishment for myself for
not submitting a story in January.

0786e886-438f-4a0b-bbeb-72d1354f95b3-0
00:07:38.440 --> 00:07:41.720
But I am really excited to hear you guys
destroy my story.

c8a4bbc2-41d8-4b3b-953e-39e50a286df7-0
00:07:42.120 --> 00:07:47.649
I am interested in what works for you,
what didn't work for you, and feel like,

c8a4bbc2-41d8-4b3b-953e-39e50a286df7-1
00:07:47.649 --> 00:07:50.760
well,
not completely an unreliable narrator.

3e4fbe64-1ab6-44a0-86dc-c2dc7256f239-0
00:07:50.800 --> 00:07:55.600
There is a little bit of an unreliable
narrator and that ties into the ending.

2c2fde27-3849-4f9e-b69d-d6db87fa9e92-0
00:07:56.080 --> 00:08:00.240
Some people see it as ROM com and to me
it's kind of open ended.

87493c2a-6851-41db-acf1-06de3152f6b2-0
00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:04.015
He might just be like,
you guys need lunch and here's the

87493c2a-6851-41db-acf1-06de3152f6b2-1
00:08:04.015 --> 00:08:04.640
restaurant.

067f04c7-edcb-46a1-b6d0-4779d0073ab8-0
00:08:05.160 --> 00:08:07.548
So yeah,
interested to hear what you guys have to

067f04c7-edcb-46a1-b6d0-4779d0073ab8-1
00:08:07.548 --> 00:08:08.600
say and super excited.

6f31dd10-bc03-4e78-bda8-fd2b227a58d3-0
00:08:08.720 --> 00:08:09.240
Thanks.

e3e6240d-9328-433c-a755-d3a07b18112b-0
00:08:09.240 --> 00:08:09.640
Bye.

95e1122e-8019-4ac4-84fb-175cd97ab153-0
00:08:11.480 --> 00:08:14.338
So thank you,
Lisa and an interesting comment about the

95e1122e-8019-4ac4-84fb-175cd97ab153-1
00:08:14.338 --> 00:08:15.360
unreliable narrator.

546a6a45-a43c-47f4-b6e0-f895a53b7b0e-0
00:08:15.360 --> 00:08:18.417
We've got like a a drunk narrator in this
scenario,

546a6a45-a43c-47f4-b6e0-f895a53b7b0e-1
00:08:18.417 --> 00:08:22.885
and it seems that she's unreliably
narrating like her own thoughts and what

546a6a45-a43c-47f4-b6e0-f895a53b7b0e-2
00:08:22.885 --> 00:08:25.530
she thinks are thoughts coming out as
words,

546a6a45-a43c-47f4-b6e0-f895a53b7b0e-3
00:08:25.530 --> 00:08:28.000
which I which I did enjoy about the story.

b9b20000-043e-430b-b209-e1ad36352e86-0
00:08:28.640 --> 00:08:30.640
Have you ever had that happen to you,
Amanda?

e30253b8-ae30-413e-9f6c-19dd3793beb2-0
00:08:30.800 --> 00:08:34.040
What saying something out loud that you
thought that you were?

45d98ff8-59f4-416e-907b-463cbdf401e3-0
00:08:34.160 --> 00:08:35.240
I've got a question for you.

654a6faa-0a14-4f40-a55c-0681b975f99c-0
00:08:35.240 --> 00:08:41.274
Have you ever like group emailed the
entire office something that one time

654a6faa-0a14-4f40-a55c-0681b975f99c-1
00:08:41.274 --> 00:08:42.160
talk about?

b1804f13-5bb2-4d54-9864-9deef26d538c-0
00:08:43.440 --> 00:08:48.080
Let's just agree to not press either of
each others bruises right now.

5370559f-9dd3-4ee6-8788-f43610dce1cc-0
00:08:48.200 --> 00:08:50.480
Okay, that's agreed.

d395b530-97be-4775-acfe-8c78a8164c8f-0
00:08:51.560 --> 00:08:53.966
All right, well,
let's get into the story then,

d395b530-97be-4775-acfe-8c78a8164c8f-1
00:08:53.966 --> 00:08:55.520
and we'll start with the title.

0dd4708b-8db3-4ac6-bf06-b5a0ac1d510d-0
00:08:55.600 --> 00:08:59.440
And the title is Amy and Abby go day
drinking in the Hunter Valley.

7e04d4e5-9902-4212-899f-f86c4362be72-0
00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:03.367
The Hunter Valley is actually just up the
road from where we are,

7e04d4e5-9902-4212-899f-f86c4362be72-1
00:09:03.367 --> 00:09:05.360
and day drinking up there sounds lovely.

3ab96bb0-75e6-43be-87e2-08554ea17652-0
00:09:05.600 --> 00:09:05.920
Yeah.

9429eb02-1fcc-43c8-8156-acb5b8eeeebf-0
00:09:05.920 --> 00:09:09.908
So it's a vineyard region,
all the wineries, great Shiraz,

9429eb02-1fcc-43c8-8156-acb5b8eeeebf-1
00:09:09.908 --> 00:09:15.114
I guess it's famously like a day trip
destination if you just want to go get

9429eb02-1fcc-43c8-8156-acb5b8eeeebf-2
00:09:15.114 --> 00:09:15.520
drunk.

2b330d9d-26f6-4d15-bcb6-29817e2319c6-0
00:09:15.520 --> 00:09:18.920
So you might have like hens parties and
things like that go up there.

4ed208ba-5bc8-4ff8-831a-5baa02a78ac4-0
00:09:18.920 --> 00:09:21.680
You might have a little dirty weekend up
there kind of thing.

0e4642c0-963f-4ad8-9cb7-7955e96e2370-0
00:09:22.080 --> 00:09:24.600
But yeah,
beautiful region and perfect setting.

fe581a7e-d860-4754-a307-1ec7e4dfb830-0
00:09:24.920 --> 00:09:25.040
Yeah.

df38d415-c8fb-4857-bc97-ee704112a360-0
00:09:25.040 --> 00:09:27.844
You can hire a little bus or jump on a
little tour,

df38d415-c8fb-4857-bc97-ee704112a360-1
00:09:27.844 --> 00:09:30.217
and they'll take you from winery to
winery,

df38d415-c8fb-4857-bc97-ee704112a360-2
00:09:30.217 --> 00:09:33.400
and you slowly get more and more drunk as
the day goes on.

f7807f01-2cfe-468c-9c95-be74d5e0f1da-0
00:09:33.400 --> 00:09:34.120
Slowly.

1f3a2fdf-2aa0-4ce2-bb65-cc82d80a6fd2-0
00:09:35.520 --> 00:09:37.040
Yeah, I think this title works.

fed8615e-89b3-4b43-8f91-9fe9918c4d4d-0
00:09:37.040 --> 00:09:38.400
I mean, it's a comedy, right?

e885bc63-c511-4aab-a5c0-8970e959236e-0
00:09:38.400 --> 00:09:41.160
And so I think the title sets that up
pretty well.

b515de4c-23d0-477d-8a6b-b26a86557c5a-0
00:09:41.400 --> 00:09:44.524
We've got our characters mentioned,
we've sort of got the whole set up there

b515de4c-23d0-477d-8a6b-b26a86557c5a-1
00:09:44.524 --> 00:09:46.512
in the title,
which means you can sort of launch

b515de4c-23d0-477d-8a6b-b26a86557c5a-2
00:09:46.512 --> 00:09:48.865
straight into the story,
which I think is a good strategy

b515de4c-23d0-477d-8a6b-b26a86557c5a-3
00:09:48.865 --> 00:09:49.880
sometimes with the title.

df2c9012-80f0-41d4-9419-bbf56a4c9098-0
00:09:50.240 --> 00:09:51.560
Yeah, it sets the scene right there.

fa4cbf80-5f60-40c6-8848-9e0fe1820a3b-0
00:09:51.960 --> 00:09:54.586
So one thing I just want to highlight
though, and it's a,

fa4cbf80-5f60-40c6-8848-9e0fe1820a3b-1
00:09:54.586 --> 00:09:58.299
it's a bit of a side note because I don't
necessarily think it's an issue in this

fa4cbf80-5f60-40c6-8848-9e0fe1820a3b-2
00:09:58.299 --> 00:10:00.381
story,
although I do want to get to something

fa4cbf80-5f60-40c6-8848-9e0fe1820a3b-3
00:10:00.381 --> 00:10:00.880
about this.

deded0e7-94ca-4eb7-97c9-80b4f06caa10-0
00:10:00.880 --> 00:10:05.117
But it's common piece of advice to sort
of not give your characters names

deded0e7-94ca-4eb7-97c9-80b4f06caa10-1
00:10:05.117 --> 00:10:08.840
starting with the same letter,
which seems really stupid, right?

957133dc-e5de-4b8a-803f-582631a499f5-0
00:10:08.840 --> 00:10:12.169
Of course, out in the real world,
people have names starting with the same

957133dc-e5de-4b8a-803f-582631a499f5-1
00:10:12.169 --> 00:10:12.480
letter.

0018e370-7ae0-43ae-98ae-22205465bfe6-0
00:10:12.800 --> 00:10:13.400
That's OK.

fe42e939-a343-4544-876e-3d5900989f67-0
00:10:13.400 --> 00:10:14.440
Or even similar names.

0b19e2bf-3bcd-4c90-8911-37a38dfa69fc-0
00:10:14.440 --> 00:10:17.295
And Amy and Abby are not only starting
with the same letter,

0b19e2bf-3bcd-4c90-8911-37a38dfa69fc-1
00:10:17.295 --> 00:10:18.840
they're also quite similar names.

ce51dd71-ef23-4cdb-90a3-4716e1e8bb39-0
00:10:18.840 --> 00:10:21.360
2 syllables starting with a with why kind
of thing.

971d2020-d0f3-4313-9d81-f6ab2a734ee6-0
00:10:21.840 --> 00:10:25.666
And the reason why you would normally
recommend against that is because it can

971d2020-d0f3-4313-9d81-f6ab2a734ee6-1
00:10:25.666 --> 00:10:28.912
be difficult for a reader to
differentiate those two characters in

971d2020-d0f3-4313-9d81-f6ab2a734ee6-2
00:10:28.912 --> 00:10:31.480
their mind and can start to get a little
jumbled up.

00da8077-becd-4b2e-bba2-b4e730554729-0
00:10:31.880 --> 00:10:37.400
It just becomes an artistic choice of how
we are managing the readers reading flow.

457cdc62-3d2f-4ce0-97aa-9ec3cb7363e1-0
00:10:37.520 --> 00:10:41.817
And it can be useful to give more
different names to help achieve that flow,

457cdc62-3d2f-4ce0-97aa-9ec3cb7363e1-1
00:10:41.817 --> 00:10:44.551
even if you know it's not about being
realistic,

457cdc62-3d2f-4ce0-97aa-9ec3cb7363e1-2
00:10:44.551 --> 00:10:46.840
it's about what works in a story setting.

0cdb72bc-1830-4601-8f82-4da0ac8eed40-0
00:10:47.120 --> 00:10:51.281
And I would say that while I don't
necessarily have an issue with the names

0cdb72bc-1830-4601-8f82-4da0ac8eed40-1
00:10:51.281 --> 00:10:54.292
Amy and Abby,
there was a big typo in this story where

0cdb72bc-1830-4601-8f82-4da0ac8eed40-2
00:10:54.292 --> 00:10:55.880
the wrong name was mentioned.

22827c61-133f-4e52-8599-fd3346fb16e2-0
00:10:55.880 --> 00:11:00.416
And I think that might have even been
Lisas own confusion around who was who in

22827c61-133f-4e52-8599-fd3346fb16e2-1
00:11:00.416 --> 00:11:01.040
this story.

e58b9f26-2ba1-4dbb-8e1a-66c33aae921f-0
00:11:01.040 --> 00:11:02.840
And that's the risk that you run,
I suppose.

7a368af5-2e54-480f-a79e-025dbd4137f4-0
00:11:02.840 --> 00:11:05.440
And it's obviously a very,
very easy thing to fix.

b5bb722b-b059-4aa8-b251-00215ff519c9-0
00:11:05.880 --> 00:11:08.000
So just to be clear, it's towards the end.

5ee827f1-68fc-4b83-b34e-9bde58c4449f-0
00:11:08.000 --> 00:11:12.680
So our point of view character is Abby
and the friend is Amy.

81254ada-0bc6-4e02-9c16-a7c0c258e6d8-0
00:11:12.920 --> 00:11:16.400
But then right towards the end,
we have Amy flopping on the ground.

a477040b-ea48-4686-aa4b-f9d0f874aadd-0
00:11:16.480 --> 00:11:19.080
I sip my Merlot Abby ice from the bar.

2dcb3385-eed9-4d3e-8feb-ad48a49f580f-0
00:11:19.080 --> 00:11:20.840
He barks so he knows my name.

65083479-5b50-4be7-80d2-b15d78b4ea37-0
00:11:21.080 --> 00:11:24.080
And then it says we get Abby sorted with
an ice pack.

4164645a-84b4-49f4-adc2-5476913efd47-0
00:11:24.080 --> 00:11:24.560
It should be.

0af194df-d5cd-4930-8862-e7d36ea7af9b-0
00:11:24.560 --> 00:11:26.000
We get Amy sorted with an ice pack.

9618d1a2-403a-4056-8256-b72f38c6e762-0
00:11:26.360 --> 00:11:27.480
Very, very minor issue.

f2d2c129-c38e-4df3-9c4e-e50478e90131-0
00:11:27.480 --> 00:11:29.960
But at the same time,
that's like the final lines.

5bfd4d6b-3288-43f1-a0a3-504297099c1f-0
00:11:30.400 --> 00:11:32.840
It's a stumbling block for the reader
right there at the end.

2f1481fe-ecf2-40e1-a77e-f5dc713143d8-0
00:11:32.840 --> 00:11:33.640
That's not ideal.

33a6e3f4-5090-4ec1-8ec2-a0de023abe9e-0
00:11:33.840 --> 00:11:37.440
It could be the unreliable narrator
slipping in once again.

4886c9b1-ae71-4584-8eda-46f7a62c4c7a-0
00:11:37.480 --> 00:11:39.440
She's so drunk she's forgotten her own
name.

39b17f00-49d1-4359-a8f5-f71d075093df-0
00:11:39.520 --> 00:11:40.960
It could indeed be that.

514c6b27-0ea6-434d-8846-dc31989f1d99-0
00:11:41.080 --> 00:11:42.920
Yes,
Hunter Valley has that effect on people.

7db2db93-de8d-4ac3-8b9a-156f37359010-0
00:11:44.200 --> 00:11:45.040
Yeah, I think you're right.

d6e1fe27-28f3-4926-a5c2-fc107750495e-0
00:11:45.040 --> 00:11:46.360
And I didn't pick up on that.

1c13cd07-8c43-4325-a319-98c5002ce44f-0
00:11:46.360 --> 00:11:50.840
But I do remember rereading this story
again before this recording and having a

1c13cd07-8c43-4325-a319-98c5002ce44f-1
00:11:50.840 --> 00:11:55.320
moment where I had to kind of stop and go
back and go hang on, which one's Amy?

999ce809-d3a8-4e82-b1d2-c33e9aee861f-0
00:11:55.320 --> 00:11:55.960
Which one's Amy?

4fe31f99-0962-4fdd-92e2-91ac75df5407-0
00:11:55.960 --> 00:11:57.760
And reread a few sentences there.

68709202-deed-46ea-be72-8205a6ada383-0
00:11:57.760 --> 00:11:59.640
So definitely good advice there.

90c148bd-7eff-48d9-94f5-fcc165cf3468-0
00:12:00.040 --> 00:12:02.120
OK, so moving on to the story.

e66ddc8b-d483-4372-9465-947037941fcf-0
00:12:02.120 --> 00:12:05.537
And the opening line is,
if you enjoy your fingers,

e66ddc8b-d483-4372-9465-947037941fcf-1
00:12:05.537 --> 00:12:07.640
don't feed them to the Peacocks.

d8bd3df0-572a-4949-a631-e4bf7c0a6c90-0
00:12:07.880 --> 00:12:12.626
And that line is presented in italics as
kind of a stand alone statement that

d8bd3df0-572a-4949-a631-e4bf7c0a6c90-1
00:12:12.626 --> 00:12:13.600
opens the story.

d696cbf0-b9d2-4f68-b7fb-1c00c78b8659-0
00:12:14.000 --> 00:12:16.797
And maybe, you know,
I think it's clarified a little bit later

d696cbf0-b9d2-4f68-b7fb-1c00c78b8659-1
00:12:16.797 --> 00:12:19.240
in the story that this is a sign that
they're reading.

f9f12248-e3ec-4b8f-aa5f-2433b817e8a1-0
00:12:19.240 --> 00:12:23.851
But when you do read that, initially,
it comes across almost as just a thought,

f9f12248-e3ec-4b8f-aa5f-2433b817e8a1-1
00:12:23.851 --> 00:12:27.080
maybe just in the way that's presented in
italics here.

746a6220-4110-4710-80ea-4587517b5fe6-0
00:12:27.440 --> 00:12:27.800
Yeah.

76355d49-388c-4a06-b341-0ef00980b716-0
00:12:27.800 --> 00:12:32.420
So I think as a general piece of advice,
I'd really strongly recommend against

76355d49-388c-4a06-b341-0ef00980b716-1
00:12:32.420 --> 00:12:34.760
having what I call this disembod bodied.

c5006a22-a5f4-4d3e-9dcb-a2d81f509114-0
00:12:34.880 --> 00:12:36.040
Usually it's dialogue.

6e91c851-6f04-41ce-8b6e-73b46576bc37-0
00:12:36.040 --> 00:12:39.184
In this case,
it's it's a sign and it's not dialogue,

6e91c851-6f04-41ce-8b6e-73b46576bc37-1
00:12:39.184 --> 00:12:41.280
but it's not attributed to anything.

91889fc0-eb18-4afd-b97e-5ac9d795f8e0-0
00:12:41.280 --> 00:12:45.249
And as readers, while it is,
and I think the objective here is to it's

91889fc0-eb18-4afd-b97e-5ac9d795f8e0-1
00:12:45.249 --> 00:12:46.200
like hook, right?

abfc6757-e733-4e42-9286-1a5b70cd4f43-0
00:12:46.200 --> 00:12:46.920
It's a hooking line.

4bf115f2-201a-4142-8865-0896b7b44d56-0
00:12:46.920 --> 00:12:49.080
It's interesting and absolutely tick.

23989e07-4499-46e5-89de-b5e927fa682f-0
00:12:49.080 --> 00:12:50.400
It works on that basis.

4162d316-1122-480f-ad4c-6c3e1273c9cd-0
00:12:50.640 --> 00:12:54.840
But we don't have any context for,
as you said, is that someone's thought?

3abceb18-0eb4-4ba6-a242-df91cb30d0ed-0
00:12:55.200 --> 00:12:58.280
Is it someone saying that like,
where is this line coming from?

407c4d95-fd15-4dcd-ace2-2cdc242fde76-0
00:12:58.280 --> 00:13:01.948
And then we ignore that to move on
immediately to another line which doesn't

407c4d95-fd15-4dcd-ace2-2cdc242fde76-1
00:13:01.948 --> 00:13:03.520
relate specifically back to that.

b0be3db4-2fb9-4042-bac8-a99e24bcd3b3-0
00:13:04.080 --> 00:13:05.640
That can be a little disorienting.

2f839f7f-2fdc-40c5-b09e-6c9c6db2a816-0
00:13:05.640 --> 00:13:08.600
And so while it is hooking,
it's also confusing.

c7313bc2-c570-4832-8ed9-0c414fde325e-0
00:13:08.600 --> 00:13:11.689
So I would really strongly recommend
against that and to say, look,

c7313bc2-c570-4832-8ed9-0c414fde325e-1
00:13:11.689 --> 00:13:13.280
tell us it's a sign right up front.

460b1451-6cb2-4041-abd8-3c2a67d71afa-0
00:13:13.800 --> 00:13:15.080
There's no reason not to.

c1b46337-055b-4ce5-a175-11404dd4ccb6-0
00:13:15.320 --> 00:13:19.806
You can still have the hooking component
of like the threat of someone's fingers

c1b46337-055b-4ce5-a175-11404dd4ccb6-1
00:13:19.806 --> 00:13:22.907
being bitten off,
but you have some clarity around what

c1b46337-055b-4ce5-a175-11404dd4ccb6-2
00:13:22.907 --> 00:13:25.400
exactly are we looking at here in the
scene.

c1a06cdd-d28f-4130-a416-6eef51e77bf2-0
00:13:25.800 --> 00:13:28.600
And I think that's really important when
you're trying to drop us into the scene.

fad457eb-5123-4243-a7f8-eb8140d6429c-0
00:13:28.600 --> 00:13:28.920
Yeah.

0edf201e-ddd2-4028-a6e8-6fb319d37cdb-0
00:13:29.200 --> 00:13:33.158
What I do like that Lisa has done here
with several elements and one of them is

0edf201e-ddd2-4028-a6e8-6fb319d37cdb-1
00:13:33.158 --> 00:13:36.918
the Peacocks is foreshadowed these things
that happened later in the story,

0edf201e-ddd2-4028-a6e8-6fb319d37cdb-2
00:13:36.918 --> 00:13:39.639
so introduced them early and then paid
them off later.

8c85831d-37d2-4605-80fb-2d3e603da492-0
00:13:39.640 --> 00:13:39.920
Yeah.

80080de1-9a14-4de8-a6c3-0812e65de889-0
00:13:39.920 --> 00:13:42.128
I mean,
it does create that satisfying sense of

80080de1-9a14-4de8-a6c3-0812e65de889-1
00:13:42.128 --> 00:13:42.680
circularity.

e67bdb7d-56c0-4bf3-b79f-61cb27ee0349-0
00:13:42.680 --> 00:13:44.560
Brought something in at the start that we
pay off.

16a6f5a1-164f-41ab-9fbe-3df5e56561d1-0
00:13:44.560 --> 00:13:47.680
Then at the end there is something I want
to just add on that.

1e730a38-be32-4306-9654-bb3030e41cd8-0
00:13:47.680 --> 00:13:48.920
I think it's a structural thing.

8eb57a9e-0b55-4733-b014-18a6b33d81a4-0
00:13:48.920 --> 00:13:51.400
We talked about it in the last Daredevil
episode.

ccba9f9f-1fab-4c09-a7a6-e672809a78ec-0
00:13:51.400 --> 00:13:53.000
I think it applies here as well.

026363ec-b6cd-4b25-996a-49dde05a4781-0
00:13:53.320 --> 00:13:56.643
So while I love that circularity of what
we've we've got there,

026363ec-b6cd-4b25-996a-49dde05a4781-1
00:13:56.643 --> 00:13:58.720
it's not really setting up a scene goal.

e087dfd4-0574-4d57-946d-3bda2cf47d7f-0
00:13:58.880 --> 00:14:01.560
And you don't have to do all these things.

7184ec90-2b7e-4604-88a2-a6530b864cdc-0
00:14:01.560 --> 00:14:03.942
But in my view,
it would have been helpful in this story

7184ec90-2b7e-4604-88a2-a6530b864cdc-1
00:14:03.942 --> 00:14:05.280
to have some sort of scene goal.

d8a5fc3d-b654-488a-a793-00854e44d87a-0
00:14:05.600 --> 00:14:09.658
So if the scene goal is to not get bitten
by the Peacocks, for example,

d8a5fc3d-b654-488a-a793-00854e44d87a-1
00:14:09.658 --> 00:14:11.800
and then we do, that's a story, right?

820bc4e7-db49-466e-ad3d-40015723b442-0
00:14:11.800 --> 00:14:14.426
But if we just have that sign and it's
sort of separate,

820bc4e7-db49-466e-ad3d-40015723b442-1
00:14:14.426 --> 00:14:18.160
and then we have a whole story that plays
out, which is about these two friends.

b96c1406-c1a3-4580-8f69-140503931743-0
00:14:18.600 --> 00:14:22.446
There's a bit of a ****** dynamic there,
making fun of each other for drinking or

b96c1406-c1a3-4580-8f69-140503931743-1
00:14:22.446 --> 00:14:25.776
not drinking This guy there that one of
them at least is attracted to,

b96c1406-c1a3-4580-8f69-140503931743-2
00:14:25.776 --> 00:14:29.200
or both of them are attracted to,
and they're kind of fighting over him.

c50623c2-300f-45e9-a559-7df0c28d13cf-0
00:14:29.560 --> 00:14:31.600
It's really got nothing to do with the
Peacocks.

dcb2e00a-7bd8-424d-9213-c41b520ee11c-0
00:14:31.600 --> 00:14:35.978
So we've kind of spent the whole story on
other things only to then come back to

dcb2e00a-7bd8-424d-9213-c41b520ee11c-1
00:14:35.978 --> 00:14:37.600
the Peacocks again at the end.

03392d4f-00af-4cfc-be53-7c98d6697ebe-0
00:14:37.960 --> 00:14:40.997
And while I like that kind of bookending
of that story,

03392d4f-00af-4cfc-be53-7c98d6697ebe-1
00:14:40.997 --> 00:14:45.120
you kind of need the middle to fit with
that and I'm not sure that it does.

bc306046-5fca-4bce-bb63-e3dfc807a0c7-0
00:14:45.120 --> 00:14:49.593
And so I think what would have been more
helpful is if there was kind of like a

bc306046-5fca-4bce-bb63-e3dfc807a0c7-1
00:14:49.593 --> 00:14:53.787
clear single which related to the
Peacocks or even if it didn't relate the

bc306046-5fca-4bce-bb63-e3dfc807a0c7-2
00:14:53.787 --> 00:14:56.640
Peacocks,
it's there right side by side with that.

796cce58-7373-42a1-b0f6-b07022b0dc01-0
00:14:57.000 --> 00:14:58.840
And that plays out over the scene.

4089b5b2-8028-4b02-ac15-0eede1e2a3f2-0
00:14:58.840 --> 00:15:01.998
So the Peacocks are there the whole time
and like coming in and out,

4089b5b2-8028-4b02-ac15-0eede1e2a3f2-1
00:15:01.998 --> 00:15:02.960
you know what I mean?

f31bc8f7-08dd-4cdf-baf5-641f4c01a190-0
00:15:02.960 --> 00:15:05.920
Rather than just kind of they're there at
the start and they're there at the end.

9868aa2d-6e92-4882-9977-5d4e3a67e1fa-0
00:15:06.440 --> 00:15:09.115
You know,
we talked last time about the Domino's,

9868aa2d-6e92-4882-9977-5d4e3a67e1fa-1
00:15:09.115 --> 00:15:11.738
like,
one thing impacting another until the end,

9868aa2d-6e92-4882-9977-5d4e3a67e1fa-2
00:15:11.738 --> 00:15:15.805
rather than just kind of these things
happening independently of each other

9868aa2d-6e92-4882-9977-5d4e3a67e1fa-3
00:15:15.805 --> 00:15:18.000
only to sort of come together at the end.

b6d34112-d246-4b5c-8b9a-8e290344e026-0
00:15:18.120 --> 00:15:18.480
Yeah.

73f4c808-8e4d-4bde-b202-03d6d17d6644-0
00:15:18.840 --> 00:15:23.930
There are a few goals and desires that
come through for our main character, Abby,

73f4c808-8e4d-4bde-b202-03d6d17d6644-1
00:15:23.930 --> 00:15:24.800
in this story.

b8989a3e-3cf9-4479-b0a1-cfe8f357f1db-0
00:15:24.800 --> 00:15:28.866
And I think maybe one of the challenges
that I had connecting with her and her

b8989a3e-3cf9-4479-b0a1-cfe8f357f1db-1
00:15:28.866 --> 00:15:32.160
goals is that there are a few different
things floating around.

7307b2eb-248b-4f2e-9e98-7322cd98cbe1-0
00:15:32.280 --> 00:15:34.633
She's attracted to this man who's
sommelier,

7307b2eb-248b-4f2e-9e98-7322cd98cbe1-1
00:15:34.633 --> 00:15:36.360
this sommelier who's serving her.

f61a3858-70a3-4569-a089-2dba17ad7984-0
00:15:36.360 --> 00:15:40.673
And that's one thing underlying
everything is just like she's hungry and

f61a3858-70a3-4569-a089-2dba17ad7984-1
00:15:40.673 --> 00:15:44.160
she's day drinking and she can't stop
thinking about food.

f4761e7f-b3f5-474a-b9a8-25b1e4c36cda-0
00:15:44.160 --> 00:15:46.480
So she's got these things that are
floating around and I'm.

efdc6225-6882-445c-bc5d-d27fac86aa9a-0
00:15:47.040 --> 00:15:51.621
I'm not sure really which one I want to
latch onto and have drawn to,

efdc6225-6882-445c-bc5d-d27fac86aa9a-1
00:15:51.621 --> 00:15:53.520
like a satisfying conclusion.

988b239e-6cb2-4c80-b00a-ac3d2894edec-0
00:15:53.520 --> 00:15:56.080
They are both kind of fairly low stakes.

d5514adf-bac3-4148-b3d8-12373cfa7e32-0
00:15:56.160 --> 00:15:56.840
I don't know.

621d7a1c-cf5a-443e-bbbb-a353c661d1ce-0
00:15:56.960 --> 00:15:58.520
I think the food thing is very high.

0dc9e30e-299b-4b39-8426-074c1a5011d3-0
00:15:59.040 --> 00:16:00.080
I get very well.

74021989-43b5-4da3-876c-b0ef6cdf132a-0
00:16:00.080 --> 00:16:02.720
When you're in that mood, it,
it feels like life or death.

5bc99a7b-717b-43f1-9f3f-e89c7280b494-0
00:16:02.760 --> 00:16:04.640
But she's ready to eat a roasted Peacock.

33930f92-dd7a-4965-a135-3fa57a0967f0-0
00:16:04.840 --> 00:16:05.160
Yeah.

955aff96-989e-401d-b89f-590abcb8c827-0
00:16:05.160 --> 00:16:05.760
She's hungry.

e80c44d3-dc6c-495e-a7ca-dac612b3bcc8-0
00:16:06.440 --> 00:16:07.240
We've all been there.

235c3c45-f6fc-4ba8-865a-a5a2ff4137d0-0
00:16:07.240 --> 00:16:08.400
A few drinks.

552e1e3d-4aac-4ea1-9b19-a7dfece2a427-0
00:16:08.480 --> 00:16:09.600
You haven't eaten properly.

f7b98156-fbcc-4301-b29a-5539b11e9bec-0
00:16:09.600 --> 00:16:09.900
Mm.

14ec71b5-dfda-4d28-b867-5529667d4eb5-0
00:16:09.900 --> 00:16:10.200
Hmm.

6ce73ced-0ccb-468f-ba8b-fe82573c7b82-0
00:16:10.200 --> 00:16:10.320
Yeah.

1a39dc41-595a-43b6-a8f2-bd9f8bceef56-0
00:16:10.360 --> 00:16:10.640
Yeah.

37a5f9eb-4e66-4316-a139-7ae985d5b0f8-0
00:16:10.640 --> 00:16:13.680
And look,
I think the scene goal here is food.

e4e66941-476e-4bff-b68f-2135e1ad6359-0
00:16:13.800 --> 00:16:15.240
That's what's set up for us.

4da79862-87e8-43ae-a952-5627b96f266a-0
00:16:15.240 --> 00:16:17.440
And then that's not paid off in the
climax, right.

70e76f4d-6da2-460e-898d-583a635c804a-0
00:16:17.440 --> 00:16:20.451
We've got this full setup that she's
starving and she's ****** *** at her

70e76f4d-6da2-460e-898d-583a635c804a-1
00:16:20.451 --> 00:16:23.585
friend because she hasn't even had a
crumb and she's getting quite drunk and

70e76f4d-6da2-460e-898d-583a635c804a-2
00:16:23.585 --> 00:16:24.400
all of these things.

19d30c82-9e71-4fc5-824b-b026834b4f6e-0
00:16:24.400 --> 00:16:25.520
It's all the setup.

8b4d2c29-b4ac-4df0-81c5-582d6e89f671-0
00:16:25.520 --> 00:16:27.840
But then the ending doesn't have any
bearing on that.

757093bb-14f9-4e90-80d5-2669796cdca7-0
00:16:28.040 --> 00:16:29.080
Like take that back.

cfbf23b1-7521-4774-b0a4-888cd32ee08f-0
00:16:29.080 --> 00:16:33.307
We do because we talk about the pizza
next door and that does come up at the

cfbf23b1-7521-4774-b0a4-888cd32ee08f-1
00:16:33.307 --> 00:16:35.832
ending,
but it's not really the resolution to

cfbf23b1-7521-4774-b0a4-888cd32ee08f-2
00:16:35.832 --> 00:16:37.040
this particular story.

243f2d96-46ee-4253-ad21-ed16a125eea6-0
00:16:37.360 --> 00:16:38.960
And so I think that's an issue.

ca028880-5d3c-4fd9-b449-5f50478ded7d-0
00:16:38.960 --> 00:16:42.762
I think that if we stick a little bit
more closely to seeing goal and then

ca028880-5d3c-4fd9-b449-5f50478ded7d-1
00:16:42.762 --> 00:16:46.514
obstacles getting in the way of that
seeing goal and then ending with the

ca028880-5d3c-4fd9-b449-5f50478ded7d-2
00:16:46.514 --> 00:16:49.760
conclusion where you either achieve or
don't achieve that goal,

ca028880-5d3c-4fd9-b449-5f50478ded7d-3
00:16:49.760 --> 00:16:53.360
you tend to have a more coherent,
cohesive feeling package of a story.

0b604b58-c3c0-46e2-bd34-bfb3094b3303-0
00:16:53.640 --> 00:16:55.320
So I was thinking about this as well.

834a46d5-aef8-4e1d-aeb9-7b81caa38cbe-0
00:16:55.320 --> 00:16:59.340
And I know where we're kind of jumping
around a little bit and we're now

834a46d5-aef8-4e1d-aeb9-7b81caa38cbe-1
00:16:59.340 --> 00:17:03.415
thinking about the story overall,
but but trying to just work out because

834a46d5-aef8-4e1d-aeb9-7b81caa38cbe-2
00:17:03.415 --> 00:17:07.601
what I think Lisa has done very well is
set up those goals of being hungry,

834a46d5-aef8-4e1d-aeb9-7b81caa38cbe-3
00:17:07.601 --> 00:17:10.080
of having this man that she's interested
in.

90524aa1-f382-4760-9d54-c9a7b1e48e88-0
00:17:10.320 --> 00:17:14.040
She set up the Peacocks as part of the
story, which again gets paid off.

b7455b91-b09d-4dbd-827b-2cd0e0f73599-0
00:17:14.400 --> 00:17:17.560
All those things do actually reach a
resolution at the end of the story.

a7f4a321-5640-4975-a043-54257dfd6607-0
00:17:18.200 --> 00:17:23.408
What I think is an issue here is that the
main character doesn't actually have any

a7f4a321-5640-4975-a043-54257dfd6607-1
00:17:23.408 --> 00:17:25.480
agency in achieving any of those.

8f9a1eec-1429-4754-9ed0-0707e07c1e6f-0
00:17:25.680 --> 00:17:30.305
So we're not presented with this story
arc where she has these desires and she

8f9a1eec-1429-4754-9ed0-0707e07c1e6f-1
00:17:30.305 --> 00:17:32.120
needs to seek to overcome them.

04670bec-405b-48a8-9d08-f57c0f85492a-0
00:17:32.120 --> 00:17:35.134
She finds a way to do it,
there's some change and she gets what she

04670bec-405b-48a8-9d08-f57c0f85492a-1
00:17:35.134 --> 00:17:35.400
wants.

cc2de1b3-5d6a-4a53-b453-0dc8bcea4ed2-0
00:17:35.960 --> 00:17:40.518
It really is the Peacocks that do the
work and she is just there being drunk

cc2de1b3-5d6a-4a53-b453-0dc8bcea4ed2-1
00:17:40.518 --> 00:17:43.360
and it falls in her lap essentially at
the end.

3c37dfbd-e567-481a-92c0-fe41ae44e347-0
00:17:43.360 --> 00:17:48.276
So the last line feels almost like a Deus
Ex machina, like Peacocks turn up,

3c37dfbd-e567-481a-92c0-fe41ae44e347-1
00:17:48.276 --> 00:17:50.320
and now she gets what she wants.

8d805902-83d0-4e88-88ef-7a42ec324037-0
00:17:50.520 --> 00:17:54.583
So I think, again, back to your Domino's,
you know, if there was some agency,

8d805902-83d0-4e88-88ef-7a42ec324037-1
00:17:54.583 --> 00:17:58.490
if there was something that caused that
sequence of events on Abby's part,

8d805902-83d0-4e88-88ef-7a42ec324037-2
00:17:58.490 --> 00:18:01.719
that may have been a little bit more
satisfying as an ending.

a34a0bc5-9cc4-4397-8ec4-5824ddd214f0-0
00:18:01.800 --> 00:18:03.657
Yeah,
I think it's all about having this

a34a0bc5-9cc4-4397-8ec4-5824ddd214f0-1
00:18:03.657 --> 00:18:04.880
cohesion of concept, right?

bd47fdd9-12f2-443d-a03f-9a4389684242-0
00:18:04.880 --> 00:18:06.240
We've got a few ideas here.

3feafb97-b6ac-460f-8cf2-991de77beb9a-0
00:18:06.240 --> 00:18:08.960
And then you're right,
they do get paid off.

749ccf1d-ea0e-475d-87e3-8964064e6fb7-0
00:18:08.960 --> 00:18:11.160
They're not just sort of mentioned and
then forgotten.

4049d729-3dca-4af0-a5dc-711e9349a849-0
00:18:11.200 --> 00:18:15.450
But there needs to be like a thread from
start to finish of these things impacting

4049d729-3dca-4af0-a5dc-711e9349a849-1
00:18:15.450 --> 00:18:16.680
each other to get there.

9432f5e7-7cd3-4576-8ac6-7924818b9c44-0
00:18:16.680 --> 00:18:18.760
And I think we've made that point clear.

c8738b3c-a27f-463f-b1b3-f2799102fa35-0
00:18:18.760 --> 00:18:21.080
I do think that that is a challenge in
this story.

68bf34a5-0d2d-4ed0-a3c5-364fb6a6d53b-0
00:18:21.080 --> 00:18:25.829
And it's probably the main challenge in
this story because what this story does

68bf34a5-0d2d-4ed0-a3c5-364fb6a6d53b-1
00:18:25.829 --> 00:18:29.095
have a lot of,
and what I'm realising more and more is

68bf34a5-0d2d-4ed0-a3c5-364fb6a6d53b-2
00:18:29.095 --> 00:18:30.520
very important is voice.

9a7ce3eb-8bbc-44fe-81f1-c0532d3d00ab-0
00:18:30.880 --> 00:18:32.320
The voice is really strong.

c06a11cc-764c-417b-8c57-ad019b1c94c6-0
00:18:32.320 --> 00:18:34.320
We have really fun characters here.

b027b9d3-f9a6-4ff9-b229-51b747919098-0
00:18:34.680 --> 00:18:39.360
We have this kind of caddy dynamic which
brings in the drama and the tension.

7c7970fb-3eb0-4a7d-92bc-c641dbd35abf-0
00:18:39.360 --> 00:18:40.160
And I love that.

50634b60-1359-482d-8a45-8b8f95db53d2-0
00:18:40.160 --> 00:18:42.893
Like,
I guess you set yourself up with a little

50634b60-1359-482d-8a45-8b8f95db53d2-1
00:18:42.893 --> 00:18:46.880
bit of a challenge if you have a
character who is a bit caddy, right?

f29eccc6-a21e-4403-ab01-d38aedd361ff-0
00:18:46.880 --> 00:18:50.416
And she is, she's like, oh,
like that's pretty full on to say about

f29eccc6-a21e-4403-ab01-d38aedd361ff-1
00:18:50.416 --> 00:18:51.040
your friend.

fe1f7d39-06fe-402e-83c6-2f12d5717cf4-0
00:18:51.480 --> 00:18:55.624
So that I guess is a challenge that to
get the reader on side and to care about

fe1f7d39-06fe-402e-83c6-2f12d5717cf4-1
00:18:55.624 --> 00:18:57.800
this character's goals and what they want.

d6e10682-23d2-4460-ad0f-18dd299a4d2e-0
00:18:57.840 --> 00:19:00.159
You know,
you kind of want the reader to sort of be

d6e10682-23d2-4460-ad0f-18dd299a4d2e-1
00:19:00.159 --> 00:19:01.720
barracking for your main character.

e176d000-ce78-4fcb-89c6-4d06258c7f8f-0
00:19:02.040 --> 00:19:05.609
It's not the only way to do things,
but it is something to bear in mind when

e176d000-ce78-4fcb-89c6-4d06258c7f8f-1
00:19:05.609 --> 00:19:09.040
you've got this kind of caddy dynamic of
like, whose side are we on here?

ac37f65b-4f8d-4b7c-a828-5ebe0621e16e-0
00:19:09.040 --> 00:19:11.280
What are we, what are we wanting to see?

e22d7639-22ca-4604-966e-982d51fbb41b-0
00:19:11.560 --> 00:19:13.520
Do we want her to get her happy ending?

8d0b029d-d410-44ac-a58d-d891fb1b50d3-0
00:19:13.520 --> 00:19:16.320
Do we want her to get her comeuppance?

4e78c2e7-c3ad-4d49-b1f3-2ee041c3e9f7-0
00:19:16.320 --> 00:19:18.514
Like,
what are you setting the reader up to

4e78c2e7-c3ad-4d49-b1f3-2ee041c3e9f7-1
00:19:18.514 --> 00:19:20.160
expect and to want in this story?

09a4a97f-ecba-4e86-a645-d94b97fdfdb4-0
00:19:20.160 --> 00:19:21.880
It's something worth thinking about.

3cf67099-89a4-4809-81d2-c4a85927f5c3-0
00:19:21.960 --> 00:19:24.218
Yeah,
it's funny because I didn't have a

3cf67099-89a4-4809-81d2-c4a85927f5c3-1
00:19:24.218 --> 00:19:28.736
negative response to the main character
being being caddy and ****** just because

3cf67099-89a4-4809-81d2-c4a85927f5c3-2
00:19:28.736 --> 00:19:30.719
it wasn't personal about her friend.

4d52c79e-8663-45ce-bf69-b9af9a32fa9d-0
00:19:30.720 --> 00:19:33.600
It was all about how she was responding
to this guy.

0dd1bd0a-23c1-4c13-b60b-b965ce36a468-0
00:19:33.600 --> 00:19:34.840
What do you mean it's not personal?

25d50b6d-52b7-4df4-987e-041a7ef5abfc-0
00:19:34.840 --> 00:19:35.720
She called her a ****.

1642fc1b-1d42-4526-8721-95f16eb69fb0-0
00:19:35.720 --> 00:19:36.760
I know she did, but.

5fd7b4a7-506e-443d-b049-c06c113c03ac-0
00:19:37.000 --> 00:19:38.240
But it wasn't about her.

0e21921a-989b-4aa2-88ad-d8cd60c47b19-0
00:19:38.240 --> 00:19:39.880
It was about the jealousy.

e1646435-1744-474c-9314-1f80a3eb3daa-0
00:19:39.880 --> 00:19:42.480
It was about the jealousy, Yeah,
towards this, this other guy.

b224c02c-c439-44f7-8f53-64f9ea2482e3-0
00:19:42.600 --> 00:19:47.560
So that made sense to me speaking as a
*****.

4fea8f8b-d24f-42fe-a19f-7f0a5343a3cc-0
00:19:48.880 --> 00:19:50.160
No, look, whatever.

7153469d-7643-4919-a1bb-74be8c6fe584-0
00:19:50.160 --> 00:19:51.960
Like I'm just putting my perspective on
that.

76940d6a-085a-4f5c-8d06-3b2e2741d649-0
00:19:51.960 --> 00:19:54.187
It's just something you tread carefully
with,

76940d6a-085a-4f5c-8d06-3b2e2741d649-1
00:19:54.187 --> 00:19:58.206
I guess if you're if you're putting in a
character who she's there with her friend

76940d6a-085a-4f5c-8d06-3b2e2741d649-2
00:19:58.206 --> 00:20:00.240
and she's seeking to undermine her friend.

bf99a38c-256a-495a-80e1-e02b11203b78-0
00:20:00.600 --> 00:20:03.564
We've got the friends sort of set up as
this antagonist,

bf99a38c-256a-495a-80e1-e02b11203b78-1
00:20:03.564 --> 00:20:06.840
but she's not doing it much that's
particularly harsh herself.

6cdcc07a-06b4-4366-a3d9-515109582678-0
00:20:06.840 --> 00:20:08.440
You know,
she's just getting on with things.

59b776ac-63a4-4c4e-b466-cceb4fe7ba95-0
00:20:08.440 --> 00:20:11.042
So anyway,
it's worth bearing in mind what you're

59b776ac-63a4-4c4e-b466-cceb4fe7ba95-1
00:20:11.042 --> 00:20:12.760
setting the reader up with there.

704032c5-2f40-420d-96e6-8afb81112e0a-0
00:20:12.760 --> 00:20:14.760
Yeah,
but I do agree with you on The Voice.

656f3435-dad8-49e7-9862-707fc826bc89-0
00:20:14.760 --> 00:20:18.402
The voice is very strong here,
and it really does drive this story and

656f3435-dad8-49e7-9862-707fc826bc89-1
00:20:18.402 --> 00:20:19.480
keep it entertaining.

7ed8d845-f60b-4132-9ca9-0bd4243f2496-0
00:20:19.840 --> 00:20:21.840
And it is entertaining all the way
through.

014debc8-96eb-4fe4-855e-af4743ff413b-0
00:20:21.840 --> 00:20:28.560
So I do like in the early section here,
where basically after the introduction.

a5996018-158c-4d25-a196-684095c8b96c-0
00:20:28.760 --> 00:20:32.240
Yet here we are, third winery,
not even a breadcrumb all morning.

3f9aa433-2616-47dc-b90e-2408fd4e17f7-0
00:20:32.240 --> 00:20:33.640
I'd kill for a ******* Gherkin.

7efcd98c-37e2-4595-bc41-666f6ed050fd-0
00:20:34.120 --> 00:20:37.150
The tension starts to build,
and it's done in a funny way,

7efcd98c-37e2-4595-bc41-666f6ed050fd-1
00:20:37.150 --> 00:20:38.280
and in a pleasing way.

caf1d0c5-7a34-4432-b1cf-71863207ae62-0
00:20:38.280 --> 00:20:40.880
And there's also some good showing,
I guess.

c5947f2b-fca8-4188-9f4a-48cb1741e205-0
00:20:40.880 --> 00:20:45.800
So Amy's shoving her glass forwards,
leaning so her **** spill forwards too.

aee38a2c-29c9-4c70-995a-6e80b7240c7d-0
00:20:45.800 --> 00:20:47.960
**** I like the showing there.

e6293d12-4a4b-42a9-beec-26c96d0631e9-0
00:20:48.040 --> 00:20:48.680
You like that?

ef8dba16-8291-4d2f-8ed3-3647c46ff72a-0
00:20:48.840 --> 00:20:49.680
You like that showing.

ae45e18b-42ec-4309-a3f8-f942c917c477-0
00:20:50.000 --> 00:20:50.240
Gotcha.

a4d99966-72c3-4e2b-adc2-f5953ff9d55e-0
00:20:51.280 --> 00:20:53.518
No,
I I just like how that's it's very

a4d99966-72c3-4e2b-adc2-f5953ff9d55e-1
00:20:53.518 --> 00:20:58.109
apparent from the context there what is
going on in the mind of the protagonist

a4d99966-72c3-4e2b-adc2-f5953ff9d55e-2
00:20:58.109 --> 00:21:02.930
and we we get her jealousy coming through
without having to say the word jealous or

a4d99966-72c3-4e2b-adc2-f5953ff9d55e-3
00:21:02.930 --> 00:21:04.480
anything along those lines.

f3016a85-988f-4e82-a597-a29ee5f3598e-0
00:21:04.480 --> 00:21:05.440
So really good showing.

c5a19137-68f5-4a77-9286-82aab3a83b37-0
00:21:05.440 --> 00:21:06.320
No, absolutely.

7d4b3ac3-f1ee-486d-89f9-e21fc27f6d43-0
00:21:06.320 --> 00:21:09.960
And I think throughout like that's the
kind of bouncy vibe that we've got.

9d266dff-3ccd-4a61-be34-618c02aff4c4-0
00:21:09.960 --> 00:21:11.200
We've got fun dialogue.

91ba5498-55e7-4c84-8627-6bda5972336f-0
00:21:11.200 --> 00:21:15.800
We've got don't smoke at me when I say
bouncy, alright.

a253e651-9c5d-47c4-b591-8eb12edaef26-0
00:21:16.440 --> 00:21:16.760
Yeah.

13d63929-aff4-44e6-8b91-ea83a0d31e3b-0
00:21:16.760 --> 00:21:19.480
Like, I do think it's fun throughout.

387c3e44-d9b1-4c2f-aeb9-5b4f0e0f57bd-0
00:21:19.480 --> 00:21:23.760
It keeps your interest throughout as well,
with that sort of tension between them.

0d23bee6-320b-4e6b-a404-67bf7fe15f02-0
00:21:23.840 --> 00:21:28.704
I do have one little logic question,
which is that we talk about how Amy is

0d23bee6-320b-4e6b-a404-67bf7fe15f02-1
00:21:28.704 --> 00:21:29.280
drinking.

afae9875-3901-428e-b3b0-e0dc6c5462d9-0
00:21:29.840 --> 00:21:33.360
Like, that's why when I spit,
it echoes in a spittoon.

78e49f3c-b663-4075-b630-0ec88646204b-0
00:21:33.360 --> 00:21:33.640
Right.

728ef329-2d72-4295-805d-f89bed96b192-0
00:21:34.080 --> 00:21:35.520
But Abby is drunk.

2574003b-58fb-460b-afc1-c2a91c8f71ac-0
00:21:35.560 --> 00:21:35.920
Yeah.

929c16fb-0dc4-4b31-bd50-2e0358223220-0
00:21:36.080 --> 00:21:39.939
And so how did Abby get so drunk if she's
getting a little bit on her high horse

929c16fb-0dc4-4b31-bd50-2e0358223220-1
00:21:39.939 --> 00:21:43.608
about I'm spitting it out and there's
this joke about her not swallowing and

929c16fb-0dc4-4b31-bd50-2e0358223220-2
00:21:43.608 --> 00:21:45.800
all of this stuff,
and yet she's quite drunk.

e6261a24-3fa2-4695-868e-eae131623de4-0
00:21:45.800 --> 00:21:50.230
Like I understand and you can get quite
drunk pretty quickly on a bit of wine and

e6261a24-3fa2-4695-868e-eae131623de4-1
00:21:50.230 --> 00:21:53.040
no food,
but it kind of contradicts itself on that.

e9bc9fd2-4fd5-4bce-9949-0110b10cbb25-0
00:21:53.040 --> 00:21:55.466
Well,
I think that's the unreliable narrator

e9bc9fd2-4fd5-4bce-9949-0110b10cbb25-1
00:21:55.466 --> 00:21:56.760
that Lisa's calling out.

722a3ab0-8708-48ff-af9f-12e7e5c0df80-0
00:21:56.760 --> 00:22:00.880
So we're not really trusting Abby in the
in her recounting of events here.

870f39b1-bab3-4875-b296-8b9328dccc92-0
00:22:01.320 --> 00:22:01.680
True.

c2d4aa21-95db-46af-8229-d7ac9f2d7e13-0
00:22:01.680 --> 00:22:04.800
But I guess it's not set up in a way
where that feels satisfying.

ea0cb6e2-7bb4-441b-b6ee-4e821d7a8e79-0
00:22:04.800 --> 00:22:06.600
It sort of feels more like confusing.

33df0b6e-72c2-4f09-861e-30e3c35884ca-0
00:22:06.720 --> 00:22:08.920
And maybe that's a fine line.

961edffb-0d7b-47a0-908d-ea9c0a06b763-0
00:22:08.920 --> 00:22:09.640
I don't know.

677ecaa2-954b-4588-96d2-da39a3d776dd-0
00:22:09.680 --> 00:22:12.193
But to me,
it feels like a bit of a a logical

677ecaa2-954b-4588-96d2-da39a3d776dd-1
00:22:12.193 --> 00:22:15.526
question that has a reader like hang on,
the friend as well,

677ecaa2-954b-4588-96d2-da39a3d776dd-2
00:22:15.526 --> 00:22:19.680
who must have her own perspective,
is also joking about her not swallowing.

a2ac91d1-4c86-4711-b07c-d64885ecd6af-0
00:22:19.680 --> 00:22:21.760
Yeah, So it appears to all.

e6f9e8e5-d755-4a4c-808d-d171a2a2d50f-0
00:22:21.800 --> 00:22:24.795
There's an echo,
there's heard that her jokes that appears

e6f9e8e5-d755-4a4c-808d-d171a2a2d50f-1
00:22:24.795 --> 00:22:28.603
to all based on the evidence that we're
given, not just what she's saying,

e6f9e8e5-d755-4a4c-808d-d171a2a2d50f-2
00:22:28.603 --> 00:22:31.040
that she's not actually swallowing the
alcohol.

281911bc-46c7-44fe-ae6e-bf4ff2c9e42c-0
00:22:31.040 --> 00:22:35.334
And so that becomes a bit of a question,
like if you were setting me up with the

281911bc-46c7-44fe-ae6e-bf4ff2c9e42c-1
00:22:35.334 --> 00:22:37.720
evidence that contradicts what she's
saying.

09239f15-071b-4713-9008-9896e26e62c2-0
00:22:37.840 --> 00:22:41.055
So she's saying the friend is drinking
and she's not,

09239f15-071b-4713-9008-9896e26e62c2-1
00:22:41.055 --> 00:22:43.080
and yet we're seeing her drinking.

a5a34735-65f3-42e5-99bf-795349de2cf0-0
00:22:43.080 --> 00:22:47.122
I think that starts to sort of feel a
little bit more satisfying in terms of

a5a34735-65f3-42e5-99bf-795349de2cf0-1
00:22:47.122 --> 00:22:49.800
what she's saying and thinking versus the
reality.

7315a057-945b-4e25-b7ef-0b90f2d20b8a-0
00:22:50.280 --> 00:22:53.090
But if the evidence is actually
supporting what she's saying,

7315a057-945b-4e25-b7ef-0b90f2d20b8a-1
00:22:53.090 --> 00:22:54.360
then how is that unreliable?

503deeab-6dd3-44d9-a79e-b856c16b3313-0
00:22:54.360 --> 00:22:56.880
You've just given me some facts that
support what she's saying.

504aa1d5-1f31-49c9-be6b-b52f73f78bbe-0
00:22:56.880 --> 00:23:01.139
So, yeah, so making that clearer,
and that is a tricky thing to pull off,

504aa1d5-1f31-49c9-be6b-b52f73f78bbe-1
00:23:01.139 --> 00:23:05.686
but I do enjoy the fact that Abby is
getting so noticeably drunk progressively

504aa1d5-1f31-49c9-be6b-b52f73f78bbe-2
00:23:05.686 --> 00:23:09.600
through the story in in what is a very
short space of time, really.

1570f296-6117-4ceb-a321-64e21107ecaa-0
00:23:09.600 --> 00:23:13.160
But we see it start to kind of unravel,
and that's fun to watch.

c8af3e44-cf2e-4513-9f7f-9d56572af1c9-0
00:23:13.240 --> 00:23:14.080
Absolutely.

50b67836-a421-440e-8ce1-012ebe4d48ef-0
00:23:14.080 --> 00:23:15.880
It does make for an entertaining story.

23f59b66-c656-44ef-bcf0-fbdc85433b80-0
00:23:16.320 --> 00:23:20.828
I have another little challenge, which is,
and I don't know how you feel about this,

23f59b66-c656-44ef-bcf0-fbdc85433b80-1
00:23:20.828 --> 00:23:23.640
but wine,
Fabio feeling like quite an old reference.

c4d4290e-fd4d-40f9-8717-9c22032ee5c1-0
00:23:23.640 --> 00:23:26.767
Yeah,
not just an old reference because I'm

c4d4290e-fd4d-40f9-8717-9c22032ee5c1-1
00:23:26.767 --> 00:23:31.102
familiar with Fabio,
the romance novel cover model hero that

c4d4290e-fd4d-40f9-8717-9c22032ee5c1-2
00:23:31.102 --> 00:23:32.240
we know so well.

f9552ff0-7405-4281-901a-de34cac358e0-0
00:23:32.240 --> 00:23:35.600
Famously broke his nose or whatever on a
roll.

b16c7ea7-f0d1-41a6-84cf-5b00341f5b43-0
00:23:35.600 --> 00:23:36.600
Yeah, bird fluid, but.

304ec83d-38ee-4b07-8f43-c64bf50e8e71-0
00:23:38.880 --> 00:23:42.590
But also like,
the description of this sommelier,

304ec83d-38ee-4b07-8f43-c64bf50e8e71-1
00:23:42.590 --> 00:23:44.520
to me doesn't match Fabio.

525ebb0d-b288-4aea-8972-4359c274a439-0
00:23:44.800 --> 00:23:47.240
Like, he's got a man bun and brown hair.

0ec8ec47-4a32-45da-8c9d-a61b017c9c46-0
00:23:47.240 --> 00:23:49.040
And yeah, that's not Fabio.

297c470d-5ce8-489a-97e0-246ac72f96c2-0
00:23:49.040 --> 00:23:49.440
To me.

b5ea87a6-6e7c-4193-99b0-504e209a817d-0
00:23:49.440 --> 00:23:54.080
Fabio is very much the long blonde hair
and the big, bulky, muscly frame.

d2a311e4-aeff-4337-ac63-560bff413548-0
00:23:54.200 --> 00:23:55.800
How are you picturing in this?

0f575eb1-68fa-4706-9be4-0d00a3b2adb1-0
00:23:55.800 --> 00:23:58.830
Yeah,
like I'm picturing like a skinny kind of

0f575eb1-68fa-4706-9be4-0d00a3b2adb1-1
00:23:58.830 --> 00:24:00.120
hipster kind of guy.

80ddc3b2-9fc4-429f-ac01-031a086b3f6f-0
00:24:00.120 --> 00:24:05.666
Yeah, not this kind of big, burly, like,
overly built, muscly, blonde,

80ddc3b2-9fc4-429f-ac01-031a086b3f6f-1
00:24:05.666 --> 00:24:06.760
super tan guy.

03eb871d-43a4-4681-9daf-45358a009e4f-0
00:24:06.760 --> 00:24:08.760
Like, I mean,
I have been to the Hunter Valley.

d558abf1-002b-4200-a150-712d148f4554-0
00:24:08.760 --> 00:24:10.680
I've never seen anyone like that there.

572c7ecd-c264-46e5-a65e-022f88b32c5d-0
00:24:11.560 --> 00:24:14.640
You tend to see the more hipster kind of
type of people.

96bcba01-a652-4951-a5fb-bd7ea378876d-0
00:24:15.040 --> 00:24:18.740
So I mean, I'm being nitpicky here,
and I'm speaking just from my own

96bcba01-a652-4951-a5fb-bd7ea378876d-1
00:24:18.740 --> 00:24:22.651
experience of what I'm picturing,
but I'm just not sure that that's quite

96bcba01-a652-4951-a5fb-bd7ea378876d-2
00:24:22.651 --> 00:24:23.920
the right reference for.

05119a7b-4ace-4c6e-9efd-8ee4edb6010f-0
00:24:23.920 --> 00:24:24.160
Yeah.

33877f64-9def-4353-aa52-a5e66c5d92af-0
00:24:24.160 --> 00:24:26.168
I mean,
I guess aside from the Hunter Valley

33877f64-9def-4353-aa52-a5e66c5d92af-1
00:24:26.168 --> 00:24:28.399
reference,
it's the fact that the Fabio reference

33877f64-9def-4353-aa52-a5e66c5d92af-2
00:24:28.399 --> 00:24:30.720
doesn't match how the character has been
described.

2028bd9f-0af5-42da-9520-2ff344716a94-0
00:24:30.720 --> 00:24:32.680
It doesn't match how the character's been
described.

f87ba821-a396-4655-809a-dc2177227884-0
00:24:32.680 --> 00:24:35.263
And and it also just feels like, well,
you know,

f87ba821-a396-4655-809a-dc2177227884-1
00:24:35.263 --> 00:24:37.320
these sound like sort of younger women.

60e722c7-2c29-4bc7-a778-e74f3e4f60de-0
00:24:37.320 --> 00:24:37.480
Yeah.

2d57426e-b43b-4c61-b198-ea6493278c8b-0
00:24:37.560 --> 00:24:40.040
Fabio is quite an old reference.

1f02519f-be9d-4a65-b3c3-085e9857c188-0
00:24:40.040 --> 00:24:43.746
Is that who you're thinking about,
or are you thinking about someone more

1f02519f-be9d-4a65-b3c3-085e9857c188-1
00:24:43.746 --> 00:24:46.200
modern like Jacob Alaudi or something
like that?

16e94e0b-165c-4a9b-a177-25f79c0d7bcf-0
00:24:46.240 --> 00:24:46.960
Do you know what I mean?

5ce82222-1bcd-423e-a6bb-d603389db966-0
00:24:46.960 --> 00:24:49.431
Like,
why are we going so far back into this

5ce82222-1bcd-423e-a6bb-d603389db966-1
00:24:49.431 --> 00:24:50.200
old reference?

d91f2bbd-57b3-47f5-8c30-a2b8e1287fca-0
00:24:50.640 --> 00:24:53.080
I mean, that's me being critical,
but that's my opinion.

bffb5a4b-ba70-4355-8878-f809d24efe41-0
00:24:53.080 --> 00:24:55.646
If I was beta reading this,
that's something that I would bring up

bffb5a4b-ba70-4355-8878-f809d24efe41-1
00:24:55.646 --> 00:24:57.600
and just sort of say, oh,
I'm not sure about that.

bf5f31fd-d198-4025-90a6-3140b3ababa0-0
00:24:58.000 --> 00:24:59.240
So make of that what you will.

9a83acdf-ea06-4523-8019-2d3677af85c1-0
00:24:59.240 --> 00:25:01.600
Like,
you're more than entitled for that to be

9a83acdf-ea06-4523-8019-2d3677af85c1-1
00:25:01.600 --> 00:25:03.560
the reference if that's your reference.

ae8b936f-95f8-456d-9607-c6b9d39e009e-0
00:25:04.000 --> 00:25:06.093
But that's, I guess,
something that I would challenge

ae8b936f-95f8-456d-9607-c6b9d39e009e-1
00:25:06.093 --> 00:25:06.520
personally.

0ba5bc1e-0432-45f2-bc19-eae62bf852a4-0
00:25:07.040 --> 00:25:10.120
One thing I really do love is the use of
the prompts here.

2a4a6df1-e192-4e0a-a5ca-32c9531af288-0
00:25:10.120 --> 00:25:14.701
So this was my team's prompts breaking
out some wine is like a really nice use

2a4a6df1-e192-4e0a-a5ca-32c9531af288-1
00:25:14.701 --> 00:25:19.224
of the breaking out prompt and a great
place to take it if that's what you're

2a4a6df1-e192-4e0a-a5ca-32c9531af288-2
00:25:19.224 --> 00:25:19.920
inspired by.

5125f1fc-a760-4a6f-8ad5-e338a7ca952e-0
00:25:19.920 --> 00:25:22.440
So that to me was wonderful.

5bdb1939-a786-4d0b-9460-90601ef680d8-0
00:25:22.440 --> 00:25:25.800
St the word prompt faded into the
background a little bit.

32dfe3ef-cfc4-4b56-94cd-67f08667cf61-0
00:25:25.800 --> 00:25:27.840
The Peacocks being from across the street.

e658e960-5eb6-464b-9dd1-96d7bbe175b9-0
00:25:27.840 --> 00:25:31.650
Great tick, you know,
But also we have just a couple of the

e658e960-5eb6-464b-9dd1-96d7bbe175b9-1
00:25:31.650 --> 00:25:32.920
break dancing moves.

aae1c4e8-ea3a-4409-ba7b-9f3611670cce-0
00:25:32.920 --> 00:25:36.998
So the bartender himself,
like drops down to get the pinot,

aae1c4e8-ea3a-4409-ba7b-9f3611670cce-1
00:25:36.998 --> 00:25:41.960
and Amy herself drops down to the ground
when she is bitten or whatever.

08d43f59-e26a-4cb5-805e-331cf03a01bc-0
00:25:42.400 --> 00:25:44.080
And then there's a Corkscrew as well.

62756659-54d0-40a3-b091-f70124b5bebd-0
00:25:44.080 --> 00:25:46.480
It's a Corkscrew used to open the wine.

f83a2f8a-65f7-494b-a54f-4f68563d8f5b-0
00:25:46.840 --> 00:25:49.940
Of course,
most wine bottles in Australia being a

f83a2f8a-65f7-494b-a54f-4f68563d8f5b-1
00:25:49.940 --> 00:25:50.560
screw top.

c5989c02-6678-4f66-a130-5f5ce10449fb-0
00:25:50.840 --> 00:25:54.608
But you know, some older stuff,
maybe he's gotten the top shelves,

c5989c02-6678-4f66-a130-5f5ce10449fb-1
00:25:54.608 --> 00:25:56.240
top shelf stuff out for them.

4eb364cf-b4c7-4a76-8dc4-002d369efb6c-0
00:25:56.560 --> 00:25:59.199
But yeah,
like I think that's a really fun use of

4eb364cf-b4c7-4a76-8dc4-002d369efb6c-1
00:25:59.199 --> 00:26:03.000
the prompts and it resulted in quite a
fun story, which is really cool.

c52bc1d3-fec7-4f55-965c-234cb3519954-0
00:26:03.520 --> 00:26:06.034
OK,
so just going back to Lisa's voicemail,

c52bc1d3-fec7-4f55-965c-234cb3519954-1
00:26:06.034 --> 00:26:10.548
one of the things that Lisa mentioned in
that was that this ending was kind of

c52bc1d3-fec7-4f55-965c-234cb3519954-2
00:26:10.548 --> 00:26:13.120
potentially an open ended kind of
situation.

393ebe2f-82dc-4d30-a410-120833285fd4-0
00:26:13.120 --> 00:26:17.400
Like is it really a meet cute in a in a
ROM com situation?

6be56349-23d2-4bdd-b5ae-d3ed20bebcbb-0
00:26:17.400 --> 00:26:19.800
Or is he like, you guys need some food?

0b657d7e-0945-4c4e-8d0b-36fb1888177a-0
00:26:20.200 --> 00:26:21.680
And So what are your thoughts on that?

ff1d8996-0fe6-4e87-9794-2dbd81837eb1-0
00:26:22.280 --> 00:26:25.911
It's funny because I didn't actually
interpret it as anything other than a

ff1d8996-0fe6-4e87-9794-2dbd81837eb1-1
00:26:25.911 --> 00:26:26.880
meet cute like that.

4bba5e87-f7af-42c2-9eb9-c93292f61515-0
00:26:26.920 --> 00:26:31.223
That wasn't ambiguous at all to me,
the ending, it was the fact that, hey,

4bba5e87-f7af-42c2-9eb9-c93292f61515-1
00:26:31.223 --> 00:26:32.600
let's go get some lunch.

aac82fb4-c520-490a-9b83-1c067201d6ec-0
00:26:32.720 --> 00:26:33.040
Yeah.

bfee2696-8cd0-4efa-b8b0-72964d5774be-0
00:26:33.040 --> 00:26:35.680
I wouldn't expect someone just being nice
to use those words.

e91667b4-aff9-46f2-8292-196a3c70547d-0
00:26:35.680 --> 00:26:37.840
But it's also like, names Mark.

f7ca9277-28fa-4a6b-b4d0-5c1de04904b1-0
00:26:37.880 --> 00:26:39.800
Like he's kind of setting it up that way.

9313c81f-d2fe-447b-baf1-b117a9e27479-0
00:26:39.880 --> 00:26:40.920
Yeah, good point.

fa995d43-adc5-4553-ab3b-ed80e6112d71-0
00:26:40.920 --> 00:26:43.475
I mean,
taking Lisa's point about the unreliable

fa995d43-adc5-4553-ab3b-ed80e6112d71-1
00:26:43.475 --> 00:26:46.186
narrator,
it didn't come through that strong for me

fa995d43-adc5-4553-ab3b-ed80e6112d71-2
00:26:46.186 --> 00:26:49.002
in the writing that there was an
unreliable narrator,

fa995d43-adc5-4553-ab3b-ed80e6112d71-3
00:26:49.002 --> 00:26:53.174
apart from the fact that she was clearly
drunk and she didn't know what she was

fa995d43-adc5-4553-ab3b-ed80e6112d71-4
00:26:53.174 --> 00:26:55.000
doing, But not in a misleading way.

0a43aba2-c253-401c-9717-7a1f43150e70-0
00:26:55.040 --> 00:26:55.360
Yeah.

23abb2fa-9280-4de6-a679-549b891adc04-0
00:26:55.360 --> 00:26:59.179
And I think this comes back to what I
said earlier about the facts, Like,

23abb2fa-9280-4de6-a679-549b891adc04-1
00:26:59.179 --> 00:27:03.309
what are we actually presented as readers
in terms of what's actually happening

23abb2fa-9280-4de6-a679-549b891adc04-2
00:27:03.309 --> 00:27:04.600
versus what she's saying?

38f0fe2c-2de1-48f4-9271-c4a6332744d5-0
00:27:04.600 --> 00:27:07.229
And to be honest,
what we're presented with is all what

38f0fe2c-2de1-48f4-9271-c4a6332744d5-1
00:27:07.229 --> 00:27:07.840
she's saying.

12d64ea9-495a-402a-933a-416ed4e4d79e-0
00:27:08.280 --> 00:27:10.960
And we're not getting that conflicting
kind of view.

1b5b9412-a992-4ea7-9b1a-9fcaf24bbeff-0
00:27:11.360 --> 00:27:15.922
Whereas, you know, in these final moments,
if we wanted to make it more case of Mark

1b5b9412-a992-4ea7-9b1a-9fcaf24bbeff-1
00:27:15.922 --> 00:27:20.216
just being like, you guys need some lunch,
we wouldn't have needed some of that

1b5b9412-a992-4ea7-9b1a-9fcaf24bbeff-2
00:27:20.216 --> 00:27:23.920
either in the dialogue or how does his
body language not match that?

27357dcc-e966-4b07-888f-e80dab139d8c-0
00:27:23.920 --> 00:27:25.560
Like, does she kind of grab his arm?

9fed20cc-a7eb-4f3c-acd6-782fa4e6459d-0
00:27:25.600 --> 00:27:26.360
He flinches.

c9be0def-e44c-4fba-9bdc-5123c5da1d6a-0
00:27:26.360 --> 00:27:30.732
Like, whatever it might be,
that reflects the fact that he's not into

c9be0def-e44c-4fba-9bdc-5123c5da1d6a-1
00:27:30.732 --> 00:27:30.920
it.

bc679e1d-1ec7-44eb-b4da-d32124073d38-0
00:27:30.960 --> 00:27:31.240
Yeah.

afb192f6-de28-40ec-a838-f6632a2a25ff-0
00:27:31.280 --> 00:27:32.800
Even if she thinks he is.

92253eac-7abc-46e0-8241-3a7d2d235a8f-0
00:27:32.800 --> 00:27:35.612
But we're not really given that we're,
like, names Mark,

92253eac-7abc-46e0-8241-3a7d2d235a8f-1
00:27:35.612 --> 00:27:38.080
fancy some lunch like that sounds like a
come on.

2dbc33a7-0e9e-4cf1-a62a-895788796efb-0
00:27:38.080 --> 00:27:41.040
I don't think that's unreasonable for her
to think that.

826b4302-b839-40a9-9dc1-bc5d03bcfc70-0
00:27:41.560 --> 00:27:44.226
So yeah,
if if you wanted to sort of play with

826b4302-b839-40a9-9dc1-bc5d03bcfc70-1
00:27:44.226 --> 00:27:48.707
that unreliable narrator a bit more,
it might come down to what else we get to

826b4302-b839-40a9-9dc1-bc5d03bcfc70-2
00:27:48.707 --> 00:27:50.919
see that conflicts with that viewpoint.

10a2cc9d-c44f-4fde-b925-4dc65d00e42c-0
00:27:51.160 --> 00:27:55.010
So one thing I want to just call out
about this story that I did enjoy and is

10a2cc9d-c44f-4fde-b925-4dc65d00e42c-1
00:27:55.010 --> 00:27:58.120
something that a lot of writers struggle
with is the dialogue.

afe8eb4c-81fb-4e77-ba13-7dc7a3af11dd-0
00:27:58.600 --> 00:27:59.920
And the dialogue here is really great.

3633b504-738f-47c0-bfad-c572cceb5039-0
00:27:59.920 --> 00:28:02.480
It's lively, it's fun, it's entertaining.

750dbf9b-c547-44d7-8778-c5878e92784d-0
00:28:02.480 --> 00:28:07.880
Every line is is witty and well thought
out, and it doesn't drag.

37c49947-0fdc-4540-a65f-1bb507556cd5-0
00:28:08.040 --> 00:28:09.160
That's a big strength for you.

498d71c7-9fbf-4e80-947b-31401d64ba38-0
00:28:09.280 --> 00:28:11.320
Lisa is writing good dialogue.

412e92c2-75b9-49f3-a5ff-2ec55543df8f-0
00:28:11.600 --> 00:28:12.560
Yeah, absolutely.

c49d6dd6-3e75-4bd4-b8c3-91228562a4bd-0
00:28:12.560 --> 00:28:14.854
So I think, you know,
if it comes down to like,

c49d6dd6-3e75-4bd4-b8c3-91228562a4bd-1
00:28:14.854 --> 00:28:16.480
why aren't I making the long list?

d8b6ba1d-648d-40b0-85c2-2c28acccfbc4-0
00:28:16.480 --> 00:28:19.980
I can't speak to the other stories that
we have read over the time,

d8b6ba1d-648d-40b0-85c2-2c28acccfbc4-1
00:28:19.980 --> 00:28:22.348
but just referencing this story
specifically,

d8b6ba1d-648d-40b0-85c2-2c28acccfbc4-2
00:28:22.348 --> 00:28:25.179
I do think it comes down to that
structural component,

d8b6ba1d-648d-40b0-85c2-2c28acccfbc4-3
00:28:25.179 --> 00:28:28.319
which we talked about in the last
Daredevil episode as well.

5b8677c8-604b-4ca6-9e7d-3037ab3d7f90-0
00:28:28.680 --> 00:28:33.003
Just giving that kind of complete package
of something that feels like a cohesive

5b8677c8-604b-4ca6-9e7d-3037ab3d7f90-1
00:28:33.003 --> 00:28:33.320
whole.

8112c130-2f36-4775-bf5c-874dbf95c635-0
00:28:33.320 --> 00:28:37.000
It's not just a bunch of things together,
like a bunch of ideas.

14d72a7f-c04f-482d-8bdb-b3d1953cfe89-0
00:28:37.280 --> 00:28:42.570
Those ideas are woven together in an
artful way to feel fighting by the end of

14d72a7f-c04f-482d-8bdb-b3d1953cfe89-1
00:28:42.570 --> 00:28:43.240
the story.

0287bac7-aea9-4f0d-b7cc-bd28180de55c-0
00:28:43.640 --> 00:28:45.320
And I don't think we're far off here.

456f9506-db90-4837-b33e-24ae16d72cc2-0
00:28:45.320 --> 00:28:47.320
It's not like all of this stuff works.

6aed9596-2f10-49f0-9a46-277abbde8b79-0
00:28:47.320 --> 00:28:51.357
It's all playing in together,
but it's just not quite tied together and

6aed9596-2f10-49f0-9a46-277abbde8b79-1
00:28:51.357 --> 00:28:53.320
working together towards that goal.

feb59cab-faa7-4b19-ba0d-0becdb9a4908-0
00:28:53.320 --> 00:28:56.882
And I really do think as much as I've
been harping on about dominoes and stuff,

feb59cab-faa7-4b19-ba0d-0becdb9a4908-1
00:28:56.882 --> 00:28:58.040
I think that's what it is.

0aded215-3ddc-4fb1-be17-f77a139b5a2d-0
00:28:58.040 --> 00:29:03.219
It's like you need your goal and then you
need the conflict to be specific to will

0aded215-3ddc-4fb1-be17-f77a139b5a2d-1
00:29:03.219 --> 00:29:07.400
this person get their goal or not in this
scene, yes, no, yes, no.

ea5627a3-9132-4bef-bc9f-7140c402365b-0
00:29:07.400 --> 00:29:10.755
As they progress and as you mentioned, Ed,
like some agency there,

ea5627a3-9132-4bef-bc9f-7140c402365b-1
00:29:10.755 --> 00:29:13.560
what are they doing to kind of work
towards their goal?

719e0493-c5ac-4b00-a8bb-c15d8c2d36bd-0
00:29:13.560 --> 00:29:17.577
And if her goal is eating,
how is she kind of coming up against that

719e0493-c5ac-4b00-a8bb-c15d8c2d36bd-1
00:29:17.577 --> 00:29:18.160
challenge?

3db843c7-9160-4177-a633-99e44d054ccb-0
00:29:18.160 --> 00:29:20.957
And you mentioned at slow stakes,
I don't think that matters because I

3db843c7-9160-4177-a633-99e44d054ccb-1
00:29:20.957 --> 00:29:23.480
think you can have a low stakes story and
have all that comedy.

65ed299a-854e-45d2-9e19-09dc58eda4fe-0
00:29:23.480 --> 00:29:25.720
We've got the drama of being bitten by a
Peacock.

a20512f4-0960-4f69-b470-554d1fb7033c-0
00:29:25.840 --> 00:29:28.360
All of that's great and entertaining
enough,

a20512f4-0960-4f69-b470-554d1fb7033c-1
00:29:28.360 --> 00:29:32.896
but it needs to kind of come as a result
of these attempts to get food if that's

a20512f4-0960-4f69-b470-554d1fb7033c-2
00:29:32.896 --> 00:29:33.680
our goal here.

06c03f22-1c7f-4f80-ac72-d40c2829f79c-0
00:29:33.720 --> 00:29:36.200
And then for that to be kind of the
resolution.

041855da-544d-4867-a172-c8e2055524ba-0
00:29:36.320 --> 00:29:39.840
If the goal is different,
if she's painfully single and it's more

041855da-544d-4867-a172-c8e2055524ba-1
00:29:39.840 --> 00:29:42.826
to do with that,
then that's what we need to be working

041855da-544d-4867-a172-c8e2055524ba-2
00:29:42.826 --> 00:29:43.680
towards as well.

8ba47be7-5c92-44d8-a7ff-7f1525b58b3f-0
00:29:44.080 --> 00:29:46.506
And yeah,
you can totally have fun with that

8ba47be7-5c92-44d8-a7ff-7f1525b58b3f-1
00:29:46.506 --> 00:29:50.549
unreliable narrator thing where she
thinks she's winning Mark over and the

8ba47be7-5c92-44d8-a7ff-7f1525b58b3f-2
00:29:50.549 --> 00:29:53.245
friend maybe is actually winning him over
or not,

8ba47be7-5c92-44d8-a7ff-7f1525b58b3f-3
00:29:53.245 --> 00:29:57.558
or he's just used to drunk women and he
flirts to get tips or whatever it might

8ba47be7-5c92-44d8-a7ff-7f1525b58b3f-4
00:29:57.558 --> 00:29:57.720
be.

dbe645c4-638e-456f-86ec-3262121d08e7-0
00:29:57.960 --> 00:29:59.480
But we need to know what that is.

54991268-0261-44d1-883c-e17d5c975e68-0
00:29:59.480 --> 00:30:03.229
And we need to be working towards that as
the comedic endpoint and pointing

54991268-0261-44d1-883c-e17d5c975e68-1
00:30:03.229 --> 00:30:06.880
everything towards that rather than these
pieces just kind of coexisting.

835245b7-d6b8-4139-9bc2-1a6c4bb36447-0
00:30:06.960 --> 00:30:09.560
So yeah, all of the pieces I,
I feel are there in the story.

bc7875d1-992c-4232-8141-07b7e216e222-0
00:30:09.560 --> 00:30:12.263
And Lisa, you,
you have worked hard to draw them

bc7875d1-992c-4232-8141-07b7e216e222-1
00:30:12.263 --> 00:30:12.760
together.

812d9516-34b8-484b-af6c-20a01c3c8f1a-0
00:30:13.400 --> 00:30:15.415
But for me,
it's the emotional resonance that needs

812d9516-34b8-484b-af6c-20a01c3c8f1a-1
00:30:15.415 --> 00:30:15.880
to be there.

91b851dd-b377-4cb7-819b-17db5e70ae6e-0
00:30:15.960 --> 00:30:16.240
Yeah.

da0efba8-5978-4c8b-af4e-b156ebe10059-0
00:30:16.240 --> 00:30:19.156
Like,
if I look back at our initial judging

da0efba8-5978-4c8b-af4e-b156ebe10059-1
00:30:19.156 --> 00:30:23.530
comments on this story,
the thing that sort of cropped up between

da0efba8-5978-4c8b-af4e-b156ebe10059-2
00:30:23.530 --> 00:30:28.633
the judges was that this sort of meet
cute moment right at the end felt very

da0efba8-5978-4c8b-af4e-b156ebe10059-3
00:30:28.633 --> 00:30:32.079
much like tacked on and not flowing from
the story.

43d46b31-bc8c-4f75-afc0-5606b4f1f571-0
00:30:32.080 --> 00:30:34.411
Now,
Lisa's indicated in her message there

43d46b31-bc8c-4f75-afc0-5606b4f1f571-1
00:30:34.411 --> 00:30:38.857
that that was kind of on purpose to kind
of feel like actually that wasn't really

43d46b31-bc8c-4f75-afc0-5606b4f1f571-2
00:30:38.857 --> 00:30:39.400
happening.

46e4e14c-6c8f-42b1-aa41-ea2315fae6e1-0
00:30:39.400 --> 00:30:40.680
She was imagining that.

7db2ced4-4cbd-4564-b2b7-1373bdcaf308-0
00:30:40.960 --> 00:30:43.992
But you know,
we can only comment on our experience and

7db2ced4-4cbd-4564-b2b7-1373bdcaf308-1
00:30:43.992 --> 00:30:47.999
our experience collectively was we
thought it was really happening and it

7db2ced4-4cbd-4564-b2b7-1373bdcaf308-2
00:30:47.999 --> 00:30:48.920
felt very sudden.

4e61619b-6d64-4389-8aba-1e2af84f19e7-0
00:30:48.920 --> 00:30:52.560
It's like someone's just had her finger
bitten and she's bleeding.

9c6d7b28-53a3-423c-8b55-e74e2fa0f100-0
00:30:52.760 --> 00:30:55.200
And now he's like, do you want,
do you fancy some lunch?

147db5c9-b768-452f-ba9f-fea88076bc71-0
00:30:55.200 --> 00:30:57.680
And it just felt very like out of nowhere.

005a3b81-76d8-4867-8b87-267ba5b0f4a1-0
00:30:58.120 --> 00:31:00.120
And emotionally that's confusing.

39aa858c-a693-4df0-a3c2-51a5761f0f4a-0
00:31:00.120 --> 00:31:02.880
And you said, Ed, that, you know,
you didn't get that emotional resonance.

77365751-2c0b-4098-a81e-63481cb32b33-0
00:31:02.880 --> 00:31:03.880
And I think that's the case.

dfbfc29e-15ac-42b2-8f00-f9024b5d6e99-0
00:31:03.880 --> 00:31:06.720
It's like all of a sudden we have this
sort of romantic moment.

69d82ec8-7898-4c0e-89a5-ef95a167a630-0
00:31:06.720 --> 00:31:10.320
And Lisa's indicated that wasn't really
what she was trying to set up there.

7907d455-f671-41d1-9310-e7cc4bfcd02a-0
00:31:10.320 --> 00:31:11.360
But that's what we got.

99231981-8097-4428-8877-44731908e964-0
00:31:11.600 --> 00:31:15.616
And so if you want something different,
then I think that needs to be reworked a

99231981-8097-4428-8877-44731908e964-1
00:31:15.616 --> 00:31:19.782
little bit to really clarify exactly what
we are and are not getting in that ending

99231981-8097-4428-8877-44731908e964-2
00:31:19.782 --> 00:31:20.080
there.

0903a3a5-3694-460c-9c52-22a3e18470ca-0
00:31:20.320 --> 00:31:20.600
Yeah.

f5d9b983-4f64-43d6-a9ab-c76964ea4e6f-0
00:31:21.040 --> 00:31:23.200
But again,
a lot of positives from this story.

3384a36c-d378-48e1-be34-866baae624ac-0
00:31:23.240 --> 00:31:26.280
And I think you're showing some talent as
a writer.

b324e752-d9de-4d85-8830-f600a5f5a7d4-0
00:31:26.280 --> 00:31:29.560
Again, great dialogue,
some great lines here, and a lot of fun.

0e152fd7-ddc1-4b53-ad81-a499fba9d300-0
00:31:29.920 --> 00:31:30.120
Yeah.

67798367-236c-4dea-8bec-ca81a97928fe-0
00:31:30.120 --> 00:31:33.160
I think Lisa or Scurvy knows what she's
doing.

548d4eae-ce18-4906-a8ab-6123b35747f2-0
00:31:33.160 --> 00:31:36.200
She's had some success elsewhere in other
competitions as well.

d72f43a8-f368-4526-9af4-cc2259427636-0
00:31:36.200 --> 00:31:39.867
And so, you know,
I think it comes down to what each story

d72f43a8-f368-4526-9af4-cc2259427636-1
00:31:39.867 --> 00:31:40.240
needs.

ae55b0fc-c99c-4592-ac3e-50891e57d854-0
00:31:40.240 --> 00:31:42.851
And you know,
if you've got great beta readers,

ae55b0fc-c99c-4592-ac3e-50891e57d854-1
00:31:42.851 --> 00:31:45.680
they can point out here's where I'm not
connecting.

86889265-1842-481f-bc3c-c648768ee4e4-0
00:31:45.800 --> 00:31:48.560
And then you get to play with that and
fix that up before you submit.

c8af3bcf-3eb1-4816-897e-a654352c00b0-0
00:31:48.560 --> 00:31:49.880
So it's really just about that.

70e1fa6b-e0a6-4174-984f-f15373e47c70-0
00:31:49.880 --> 00:31:53.931
I have no doubt in my mind that Lisa's
capable of connecting all those dots and

70e1fa6b-e0a6-4174-984f-f15373e47c70-1
00:31:53.931 --> 00:31:54.640
what have you.

c11db850-9879-4ce5-952d-8db9d84932fd-0
00:31:54.640 --> 00:31:58.559
It just comes down to knowing exactly
what dots you need to connect for the

c11db850-9879-4ce5-952d-8db9d84932fd-1
00:31:58.559 --> 00:31:58.920
reader.

96ee5983-0782-474e-bca4-d9f9fd67d171-0
00:31:59.240 --> 00:32:03.000
What sometimes is in your mind is not
necessarily what ends up on the page.

58493c01-4930-4c7c-9e07-4d0d916404a4-0
00:32:03.000 --> 00:32:06.600
And so you just have to kind of rework
until everything's there.

0bae63b8-7ee5-41f2-acfd-209d68067af2-0
00:32:07.040 --> 00:32:10.236
So thank you so much, Lisa,
for your story and for putting yourself

0bae63b8-7ee5-41f2-acfd-209d68067af2-1
00:32:10.236 --> 00:32:10.800
on the line.

14f758e6-b2c6-40bf-b983-481551552818-0
00:32:10.800 --> 00:32:17.440
And now you can go and enjoy a big glass
of wine after that, after that roasting.

c803b967-f037-46bb-a074-bc269e286f94-0
00:32:17.520 --> 00:32:20.130
And, you know,
I think it's very interesting that you

c803b967-f037-46bb-a074-bc269e286f94-1
00:32:20.130 --> 00:32:23.853
said that this was like some sort of self
flagellation for not submitting in

c803b967-f037-46bb-a074-bc269e286f94-2
00:32:23.853 --> 00:32:24.240
January.

460afcc1-d52d-4330-9fde-02ae0efc4697-0
00:32:24.240 --> 00:32:26.160
So I, I think that's great.

3d807f96-3351-43c4-88b1-1efdce65cef6-0
00:32:26.160 --> 00:32:27.120
Like, sure, why not?

85e6c137-1b23-47ea-a833-b3013c5c1003-0
00:32:27.120 --> 00:32:28.920
Why not just punish yourself this way?

46ab8a26-3516-47a8-b968-d461b7c29277-0
00:32:29.440 --> 00:32:31.560
But I hope it didn't feel too much like
punishment.

60938199-d84e-4b5a-a020-e93c7d3678bb-0
00:32:31.560 --> 00:32:34.900
We are, of course,
only here wanting the very best for all

60938199-d84e-4b5a-a020-e93c7d3678bb-1
00:32:34.900 --> 00:32:35.920
of our daredevils.

43af3bf9-549b-4e65-9976-eb9b93d55498-0
00:32:36.240 --> 00:32:39.449
But, you know,
it's hard going out there and warts and

43af3bf9-549b-4e65-9976-eb9b93d55498-1
00:32:39.449 --> 00:32:43.649
all in front of everybody to have
yourself and your writing skills torn

43af3bf9-549b-4e65-9976-eb9b93d55498-2
00:32:43.649 --> 00:32:44.000
apart.

add9c9f0-5b0d-450c-9fc4-066f22ad1969-0
00:32:44.000 --> 00:32:44.360
Absolutely.

cf2aad5c-a332-4c77-af49-d89e5e2b0716-0
00:32:44.680 --> 00:32:47.040
But you know,
there's clearly a lot of talent here.

48444ea1-5a2d-4cba-9619-c7cb4f2d57ec-0
00:32:47.040 --> 00:32:50.829
And I have no doubt, Lisa,
that you'll come back guns blazing for

48444ea1-5a2d-4cba-9619-c7cb4f2d57ec-1
00:32:50.829 --> 00:32:51.920
revenge next round.

90d124ec-6817-4d4d-aed7-491508fe6a6b-0
00:32:52.760 --> 00:32:53.320
Absolutely.

353786f4-9996-478e-8007-165a7fd1bf0f-0
00:32:53.320 --> 00:32:54.800
Well, thank you once again.

b1c34209-da58-4dcf-9685-4ab5c93705a6-0
00:32:54.800 --> 00:32:59.773
And we will be back in a week's time with
our fifth and final Daredevil for the

b1c34209-da58-4dcf-9685-4ab5c93705a6-1
00:32:59.773 --> 00:33:00.520
April round.

87fb4794-fcc2-4464-8ac7-a63c68cdf40e-0
00:33:01.000 --> 00:33:03.640
Until then, right on, Right on.

9f0544e3-1de9-44c0-88dd-cbc0f61f3ed3-0
00:33:06.040 --> 00:33:09.400
We hope you enjoyed this special
Daredevil episode of Not Quite Right.

16c8932d-abdc-448f-8e7a-0627b41b72a7-0
00:33:09.720 --> 00:33:13.572
If you have thoughts on this story,
follow us on social media and join the

16c8932d-abdc-448f-8e7a-0627b41b72a7-1
00:33:13.572 --> 00:33:14.240
conversation.

8f9dcb14-690e-4438-9087-2bbd178d302c-0
00:33:14.560 --> 00:33:18.329
And if you'd like to participate in the
next round of the competition,

8f9dcb14-690e-4438-9087-2bbd178d302c-1
00:33:18.329 --> 00:33:20.560
head over to ourwebsite@notquiteright.com.

5aea8cbb-9c7b-40d7-a1c9-4828d9afc0c4-0
00:33:20.880 --> 00:33:27.480
That's WRITE something doesn't seem quite
right.