WEBVTT

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Not Quite Right features discussions that
are unfiltered and uncensored,

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and may include themes that are
inappropriate for younger listeners.

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Also,
I swear a lot something doesn't seem

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quite right.

4e8e29ac-d0da-41ae-ae43-399a50fe8147-0
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Welcome to Not quite right.

da36a243-1a10-426d-8f36-a0da24763459-0
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My name's Ed and I'm Amanda and welcome
to the very first Daredevil for the July

da36a243-1a10-426d-8f36-a0da24763459-1
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2026 Not Quite right prize for flash
fiction.

bedf2296-a05b-4c31-b1a6-8a51d6587db6-0
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I am very excited to be here,
ready to do some roasting.

d0c31006-7f7f-479c-8d9d-fa5f4faf2bb9-0
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Super excited.

ad06ab64-d5aa-49da-8d99-cb04525fabe7-0
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We've got some interesting stories this
round as well,

ad06ab64-d5aa-49da-8d99-cb04525fabe7-1
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some some nearly short listers,
some return Daredevils as well.

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Plenty to talk about.

7951f1f9-2421-4767-8a23-7cc6a29a272a-0
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Absolutely.

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So Daredevils are people who have signed
up to have their story critiqued on air.

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On the podcast, We we'll read the story,
talk about the story,

6741fe29-84b8-42be-b0f3-0a95321d23db-1
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break it down and share our thoughts and
hopefully we'll all learn something in

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the process.

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And our victim for today is JJ Silkwood.

2088e59b-b87f-4a4c-acb3-78619031d2ac-0
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JJ is a first time Daredevil,
a several time entrance since back in

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April 2024,
and first time longlister this round.

a7b447b3-e1ec-4907-b22a-b39341b370cd-0
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So this story did longlist and in fact
came very close to the shortlist.

ec1414d2-20d9-4e48-b223-480c92e9791d-0
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So it's a story I'm very excited to talk
about.

f40f5ed8-a03e-4849-bb6c-6dd496b11491-0
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Yeah.

655f39ae-af7f-4aeb-912b-b8670d7ec35e-0
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And, you know,
it's always good when we have some Lovely

655f39ae-af7f-4aeb-912b-b8670d7ec35e-1
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positive things to say because it's like,
well, what are we aiming for?

abe5d912-dd98-487e-8281-620a4c15ce30-0
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Like,
you can tell me all the things I

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shouldn't be doing.

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Great.

566111ea-aa41-4181-aafd-0d33ee4d005a-0
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What what what's left when we rule all of
that out?

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And we will have some lovely things to
say about this story.

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But the issue is, of course,
it didn't make the shortlist.

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And I'm sure JJ will be frustrated by
that and want to know why.

f00e4014-dadd-4d81-a088-17714c497779-0
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And sometimes these things are very
simple.

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Sometimes they're more complicated.

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But we'll certainly be able to give some
insight into what exactly for this story

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stood between it and that shortlisting.

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Absolutely.

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So J Silkwood has written for Team Amanda,
as have most people.

87be03d7-2f54-4988-a8e2-380024e38bc1-0
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And in fact,
as have all of our daredevils this time

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around.

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So congratulations, Amanda.

e4611c9a-47dd-4206-abea-96f2b3c52deb-0
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Tell us what the prompts were for this
round.

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OK, so our word prompt was Moon,
and our action prompt was concealing

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something or a character who concealed
something.

e20a4709-d30b-4e6d-b7c7-8ca70b5dbcb8-0
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And our kick of this round was to write a
story inspired by yin energy.

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So yin and Yang.

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Yin being the feminine side,
the dark side of the mountain,

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they call it shadow softness.

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All of these kinds of ideas.

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So pretty open prompt,
but also one which we'd hoped would

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inspire some really creative stuff.

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And indeed it did.

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Absolutely did.

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So you have the pleasure of reading this
story?

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I do.

76e6655b-95c5-400d-9d19-c230d8d0b9a9-0
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Female protagonist.

646f3ed0-995c-41ad-849d-013c46fa7526-0
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I'm not sure I'm going to be able to do
the southern accent.

9456c45d-62d7-4196-a92f-f5c29214bfe7-0
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So I think that's just going to have to
be Aussie you.

c4c3fc90-8b05-4165-8de8-a3ab73081169-0
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We've pulled it off before.

e314f56e-edac-420c-b6e9-7328f25949a8-0
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I think you should give it a go.

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There we go.

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Yikes.

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All right, we'll see.

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So here is Clean Edges Sweet with Rot by
JJ Silkwood.

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Ageing ain't sudden,
Mel like sudden clean edges,

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something she can point out and be done
with.

85ab5bbb-5ce7-48c8-a5c2-668ebd250de7-0
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But out where the orange Groves go a
little sour, it don't come that way.

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At 29,
something brush Mel's hands under bath

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water gone lukewarm.

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She still pulled them out,
watched the wrinkles smooth away,

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laughed it off easy.

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At 34,
those wrinkles stuck longer than they

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ought to.

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My mum did too.

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Six months past the prognosis till she
didn't.

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The wrinkles stuck longer after that.

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38 It swam back in moon soaked dreams,
water rising through her house,

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slow and sure, her skin dragging her down,
claws scratching between her brows.

e249ab42-3610-4242-9d72-5914755b1da8-0
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She'd wake with her hands at her throat,
sheets damp.

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At 43,
she turned back toward Montura for her 25

c1a7e933-1d26-410a-8f11-51a58df7bb95-1
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year high school reunion when her mum was
in Hospice.

bf6c78a7-2367-4cf2-89e2-9388f64db459-0
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Smell promised she wouldn't skip another.

2cd27639-7cea-4045-9ebd-6528647c019b-0
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The town sign stood just where she
remembered it.

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Same crooked lean, same sun faded paint,
population 4318.

a5b36fb5-aa91-4dce-978b-775520f735b6-0
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A Gator lay beneath the sign like it had
been waiting for her.

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It was a dried riverbed, given bones,
teeth set crooked, eyes beady and certain.

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Mel rolled the window down.

d2f335a1-9c68-40a6-9ccb-7965895a8bb0-0
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He'd come in heavy, sweet with rot.

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Well, now she tutted.

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Ain't you persistent?

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It lifted its head.

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Politis Company gave a low sound,
just breath with a hint of a laugh.

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It thwacked its tail against the sign.

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Dust fell, numbers shook loose.

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Thwack, thwack.

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The 18 dropped clean.

682cc5f2-9290-4a85-b191-a50808c722f3-0
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It looked at her.

1b1cbb56-db8b-47d2-9090-d5b0ac95b0cf-0
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Only 43 held.

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Mel rolled the window up and drove on.

80e5cfd9-8ffd-4ed5-a4a5-6e7393568688-0
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At the school an orange banner read
Welcome back, class of O1.

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Mel flipped the sun visor down and
checked her teeth.

a85b2abf-a64f-4d3e-bd2a-95889600d6e4-0
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Moon bright.

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She pulled the skin between her brows.

d4ddd29e-d911-47d0-880e-da5843151deb-0
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Smooth.

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The 11 slid right back.

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As soon as she let go for a blink.

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There sat her mum looking back.

26ce4370-559b-43a8-94c0-316365a2571f-0
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She slammed the visor shut from the Miami
hospital employee ID clip.

2ae3d4cf-1a27-441e-8940-318e6158863e-0
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There.

4ae3fad1-722b-4612-84d2-e84f9522b45e-0
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Her ten years younger self smiled at her.

c16185c0-5599-4262-99fb-89aef82bcf63-0
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Mel yanked it off.

f6bace3f-0e98-4996-9e6c-cafcc3e3d35d-0
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She headed for the entrance,
recognising folks in pieces.

d1b0dc71-e620-4b3d-8436-9d7f3cea7624-0
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There went Amber,
by that peppy as hell walk Bobby by the

d1b0dc71-e620-4b3d-8436-9d7f3cea7624-1
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way he still sucked in his stomach when
Amber passed behind them,

d1b0dc71-e620-4b3d-8436-9d7f3cea7624-2
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Gators dragged fat bellies across the
blacktop at the doors.

7c3c8e0f-8831-4e1b-b129-bf1daa284e72-0
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Amber wheeled around and shoved at her.

98dc31bc-a972-4561-acf5-e58f85571f4a-0
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Gators snout.

e8a31a96-005e-4bb6-bc34-b101f5d11d03-0
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Go on,
get the thing didn't so much as blink.

ac4c1d84-9137-4de9-8f70-a31d544b377b-0
00:07:09.120 --> 00:07:10.440
She shoved harder.

40436d07-3629-466f-89c8-685f4800c085-0
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Its jaws snapped open.

dec13be9-8f7e-46c1-ad5c-d94c556b5979-0
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A wet crack rang out.

1d6eaca7-1864-4498-98e1-fae4cc1e1229-0
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Amber screamed.

b127c045-5d1b-4c3e-ab94-575c1b03e05b-0
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THWACK.

c4ef19ca-a181-4e4b-8a78-705ec2b062ca-0
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Her arm hit the pavement.

6a30eae5-38e9-4a55-93ab-5ac84569e4d8-0
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Mel took off running.

db2077f1-b8c4-4957-96ab-e3159aba8206-0
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Amber went down,
clutching at her ragged stump.

63ac168f-1f9c-4e09-a0bd-e6612bbe4eb7-0
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Blood dripped from her gator's teeth.

cf89ba08-92a8-4280-b240-13a26bc7f90b-0
00:07:27.920 --> 00:07:30.561
Mel dropped beside her,
looking for something,

cf89ba08-92a8-4280-b240-13a26bc7f90b-1
00:07:30.561 --> 00:07:32.360
anything to stanch the bleeding.

88998152-3bb4-4ded-b732-3eee3b4ea895-0
00:07:32.920 --> 00:07:34.200
Bobby, give me a shirt.

31866cc1-2051-4361-bd8f-eeb2beabffba-0
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He just stood there.

60490657-61b9-4637-a2c3-999c32915db6-0
00:07:38.160 --> 00:07:40.320
Good Lord, at least call 911.

9abfc94b-1d32-4418-9607-19bf4c3a8f71-0
00:07:41.440 --> 00:07:43.960
Something scraped the blacktop behind her.

cf49bf4b-a88b-42f6-b8f7-75ac894920a7-0
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Sure enough,
Mel's Gator was ambling on up,

cf49bf4b-a88b-42f6-b8f7-75ac894920a7-1
00:07:48.706 --> 00:07:50.800
taking its sweet time.

54035f57-61a9-4252-927f-b166e9b5bc7c-0
00:07:52.760 --> 00:07:53.400
Mel.

3bb3d926-f64e-4f2a-8a8a-df24b42deab4-0
00:07:53.840 --> 00:07:56.880
Amber rasped,
blood soaking into her dress.

a45a8003-e77b-44d0-a188-692379689393-0
00:07:57.560 --> 00:07:59.520
You look exactly the same.

afe3875e-09cf-429e-92f8-41bc55c5457f-0
00:08:01.080 --> 00:08:03.000
Mel locked eyes with her Gator.

563d11b2-330f-46ea-a60b-b23b53c442dc-0
00:08:04.160 --> 00:08:06.600
This time, she smiled.

caf6c513-54ea-4a51-9bc9-9b92cf9916b7-0
00:08:25.800 --> 00:08:29.000
Well, thank you so much, JJ,
and I am so sorry.

cc2f2c77-4fab-4a00-b529-eb003d3c91d9-0
00:08:29.000 --> 00:08:29.480
I couldn't.

fbc1ccc1-b8fc-4333-9c39-ca421fec7238-0
00:08:29.480 --> 00:08:32.333
I tried to do the Southern accent thing
and I couldn't do it,

fbc1ccc1-b8fc-4333-9c39-ca421fec7238-1
00:08:32.333 --> 00:08:33.760
and it changed the whole thing.

6bfd3283-72e1-4a13-b0b5-30282717260f-0
00:08:33.760 --> 00:08:36.240
Honestly, I did not do that justice,
so I apologise.

d20dd8ef-7757-43d6-a03c-7465833d5390-0
00:08:36.240 --> 00:08:38.531
I think it does read beautifully in a
Southern accent,

d20dd8ef-7757-43d6-a03c-7465833d5390-1
00:08:38.531 --> 00:08:41.613
which is how it reads in my head,
a little bit different when it's coming

d20dd8ef-7757-43d6-a03c-7465833d5390-2
00:08:41.613 --> 00:08:42.280
out of my mouth.

07cddf31-81f3-4178-be34-d569b9f17ef8-0
00:08:42.280 --> 00:08:45.631
So sincere apologies, but amazing story,
lots of fun,

07cddf31-81f3-4178-be34-d569b9f17ef8-1
00:08:45.631 --> 00:08:47.680
and I'm excited to talk about it.

3955cf60-529f-4151-8e67-165b5f8bd4bf-0
00:08:47.760 --> 00:08:48.400
Yeah, for sure.

501a7f6c-b669-4664-b4a3-eba4b8bcab5f-0
00:08:48.400 --> 00:08:52.720
So JJ has left us a voice message,
so we'll play that now.

d42ca5e8-ae84-40d2-aecd-02344ba3b409-0
00:08:55.560 --> 00:08:57.865
Hey guys,
this is JJ Silkwood out of Zurich,

d42ca5e8-ae84-40d2-aecd-02344ba3b409-1
00:08:57.865 --> 00:08:58.480
Switzerland.

db54bc0f-015f-4c0a-830b-7d558e742f01-0
00:08:58.920 --> 00:09:04.353
I recently hit a big birthday milestone
and after catching myself Googling baby

db54bc0f-015f-4c0a-830b-7d558e742f01-1
00:09:04.353 --> 00:09:07.545
Botox,
I was really struck by the absurdity of

db54bc0f-015f-4c0a-830b-7d558e742f01-2
00:09:07.545 --> 00:09:09.040
denying my own ageing.

d0832746-767e-4221-9483-c468b8655d04-0
00:09:09.560 --> 00:09:12.440
So I wrote this story of that concept in
mind.

052d4ced-ef82-47d3-a83e-3fa93c46ff8f-0
00:09:13.040 --> 00:09:17.567
I gave it a subtle yin Yang structure,
the first half showcasing yin with the

052d4ced-ef82-47d3-a83e-3fa93c46ff8f-1
00:09:17.567 --> 00:09:21.224
slow accumulation of ageing and passive
flow of the narrative,

052d4ced-ef82-47d3-a83e-3fa93c46ff8f-2
00:09:21.224 --> 00:09:25.520
and then the second is Yang where the
action ramps up and even mocks Mel.

4ad3b0a2-70a8-47a4-8bd2-cafaff8357b4-0
00:09:26.080 --> 00:09:29.962
It's really through that absurdity she
finally acknowledges her gaiter and the

4ad3b0a2-70a8-47a4-8bd2-cafaff8357b4-1
00:09:29.962 --> 00:09:31.240
yen of it all, her ageing.

72f8951f-80d9-4917-a8b2-b600639b8603-0
00:09:31.920 --> 00:09:34.549
So I'd love to hear what works for you,
what doesn't,

72f8951f-80d9-4917-a8b2-b600639b8603-1
00:09:34.549 --> 00:09:37.520
and if you have any characterization tips
to strengthen Mel.

38c0f5f1-eacb-4901-9d5a-0065958cd373-0
00:09:38.040 --> 00:09:38.560
Thank you.

6a552752-c6bb-49c4-aec1-7376220c4938-0
00:09:40.440 --> 00:09:43.498
So thanks for your message,
JJ And as always, we will of course,

6a552752-c6bb-49c4-aec1-7376220c4938-1
00:09:43.498 --> 00:09:46.040
share what worked for us and what didn't
work for us.

0e2b8dca-e65f-4ad4-9412-0d602d9dd2f5-0
00:09:46.280 --> 00:09:50.129
And as it relates to characterization
tips, we have some thoughts, I guess,

0e2b8dca-e65f-4ad4-9412-0d602d9dd2f5-1
00:09:50.129 --> 00:09:52.560
around the characters in general in this
story.

4f389210-7429-41d6-9a37-18c7766ebdbd-0
00:09:52.600 --> 00:09:55.800
So we'll get into that as well and
hopefully answer those questions for you.

dc19e6cf-4f1b-4e8b-b77e-e081c69c5fcb-0
00:09:56.160 --> 00:09:59.320
So as we mentioned at the outset,
this story did long list.

5ec8295d-973c-4ad2-a0c6-b13cc70d60e9-0
00:09:59.360 --> 00:10:01.000
So a bit of behind the scenes.

4bd1da56-c868-488c-b432-4fc1b88ea619-0
00:10:01.000 --> 00:10:04.371
We have 6 stories obviously in the
shortlist and we had this round,

4bd1da56-c868-488c-b432-4fc1b88ea619-1
00:10:04.371 --> 00:10:08.040
I think about 10 that we were considering
for the shortlist, like in the.

bab1d28a-23bb-4e69-8af3-3a0891f08273-0
00:10:08.040 --> 00:10:09.804
Yeah,
something like that in the pool that we

bab1d28a-23bb-4e69-8af3-3a0891f08273-1
00:10:09.804 --> 00:10:10.840
were seriously considering.

7f6aa38d-7247-4be7-abde-9f0075019e70-0
00:10:10.840 --> 00:10:11.960
And this was one of the 10.

9d3b3cdc-ad10-456d-80db-78676b97f079-0
00:10:12.160 --> 00:10:16.672
And at various points of the process,
it may have slipped in to the shortlist

9d3b3cdc-ad10-456d-80db-78676b97f079-1
00:10:16.672 --> 00:10:18.640
and then out again, unfortunately.

e76dbe14-20be-4131-ae17-742020837751-0
00:10:18.640 --> 00:10:24.040
But all of the judges rated this one and
maybe plus or higher and quoted.

229c8399-c4cc-4454-a14b-f3decb88087e-0
00:10:24.200 --> 00:10:27.840
Great voice, great vibe,
loved the sort of shock value.

39bf78db-0794-4755-9f3a-89de7c2a5812-0
00:10:27.840 --> 00:10:31.400
Loved that shift,
but also had some challenges with it.

022aa4b2-f210-46ee-b92f-1a7e620c36df-0
00:10:31.760 --> 00:10:32.360
Yeah, absolutely.

f43ae7b6-7f28-431a-9f10-83fa6d83cd0d-0
00:10:32.360 --> 00:10:35.520
And the challenges, I mean,
just to put them on the table,

f43ae7b6-7f28-431a-9f10-83fa6d83cd0d-1
00:10:35.520 --> 00:10:39.859
perhaps the shift in tone right at the
end of the story when the alligator bites

f43ae7b6-7f28-431a-9f10-83fa6d83cd0d-2
00:10:39.859 --> 00:10:41.520
kind of came out of left field.

90758a94-6b2c-465d-b40b-1667a2ccd656-0
00:10:42.600 --> 00:10:47.480
And also maybe some clarity issues that
surround the metaphor of the alligator.

bbe0d25d-a18d-44cd-a9a8-c76a736ac8a0-0
00:10:47.480 --> 00:10:50.120
But we will get into those as we go.

23302d09-ba7b-455a-a80e-53226fdaa992-0
00:10:50.280 --> 00:10:52.013
Let's start with some positives,
because of course,

23302d09-ba7b-455a-a80e-53226fdaa992-1
00:10:52.013 --> 00:10:53.080
there are many about this story.

e2998c6e-53a3-4a6d-89f2-2396253e4f9f-0
00:10:53.080 --> 00:10:57.280
And I think #1 and this is the one I
guess I must apologise for is the voice.

0f771994-07bc-4ac2-9d75-3c9b2bfc1fca-0
00:10:57.400 --> 00:10:59.600
The character voice is really strong here.

2c16014f-6c3e-4685-ad40-da3a4fb234b1-0
00:11:00.200 --> 00:11:02.833
I have a bit of AI,
wouldn't call it a pet peeve,

2c16014f-6c3e-4685-ad40-da3a4fb234b1-1
00:11:02.833 --> 00:11:06.047
but just like a, a trigger,
I suppose with Southern accents,

2c16014f-6c3e-4685-ad40-da3a4fb234b1-2
00:11:06.047 --> 00:11:09.840
because I do feel like they absolutely
lend themselves to strong voice.

9ee46ec9-a592-4e55-b321-d7ec72971727-0
00:11:09.840 --> 00:11:13.720
But at the same time, for me,
it can feel a little forced sometimes.

721b15dd-9ff8-4c3f-b838-47029b18d247-0
00:11:13.720 --> 00:11:16.309
And I say this as a non American by the
way,

721b15dd-9ff8-4c3f-b838-47029b18d247-1
00:11:16.309 --> 00:11:21.141
but it's like one of those ones where you
can put the voice in the dialogue and the

721b15dd-9ff8-4c3f-b838-47029b18d247-2
00:11:21.141 --> 00:11:22.120
tone very easily.

2a1283b7-ad1c-49a9-bd33-ce430fac5788-0
00:11:22.160 --> 00:11:23.360
And so we see it a lot.

0bca72ef-9f58-4f8c-b0a7-547c9e556a2b-0
00:11:23.600 --> 00:11:24.000
We do.

156fb242-a8bd-46ab-8710-e959ed127799-0
00:11:24.000 --> 00:11:27.000
There's a bit of a cliche around it and
it's often a folksy thing.

e32001b0-b951-4efc-b093-e04664805b50-0
00:11:27.000 --> 00:11:29.600
You know,
we've all we've all seen Forrest Gump.

059b5889-fb96-4748-a998-5f8deedff65f-0
00:11:30.280 --> 00:11:31.480
We know how that plays out.

3701fa83-4ba5-427b-be1a-489611aef08a-0
00:11:32.120 --> 00:11:33.440
Mama always said exactly.

e37baa77-d32c-48a1-a379-66628162baf4-0
00:11:33.440 --> 00:11:34.280
It's that kind of vibe.

e18b2d20-38ed-471b-9083-3a9edb684188-0
00:11:34.280 --> 00:11:34.560
Yeah.

62be2826-df59-4028-b94c-653e91fe89a1-0
00:11:34.560 --> 00:11:35.520
And look, it works.

7ba6a049-5b66-4203-a248-96121d52105c-0
00:11:35.520 --> 00:11:36.640
And it worked here, right?

f3b31701-18f1-475b-a53a-b642ab8652a2-0
00:11:36.640 --> 00:11:39.695
It was a very strong here that that vibe
wasn't present really here,

f3b31701-18f1-475b-a53a-b642ab8652a2-1
00:11:39.695 --> 00:11:42.840
that we just happened to be Southern,
which is a little bit different.

081755cd-7677-4238-9a97-b76871237b27-0
00:11:42.920 --> 00:11:43.160
Yeah.

5d64e569-4252-43ff-b9fc-fd2e6dab07ec-0
00:11:43.160 --> 00:11:46.279
And I don't even know why I call that out
except to just be, I guess,

5d64e569-4252-43ff-b9fc-fd2e6dab07ec-1
00:11:46.279 --> 00:11:49.800
forthcoming with the perspective that I
have when I'm going into this judging.

cd96b22d-43ec-4e1d-8163-d065331cf2b0-0
00:11:50.080 --> 00:11:55.197
But absolutely strong voice and that
poetic tone in some of what's written

cd96b22d-43ec-4e1d-8163-d065331cf2b0-1
00:11:55.197 --> 00:11:55.880
here, too.

a3e191c2-7dfe-4c71-8b14-4077a300d94c-0
00:11:55.880 --> 00:11:57.280
Even just the clean edges.

a155b9f1-fd6c-4bcc-b37f-6154633a14d7-0
00:11:57.280 --> 00:11:59.200
Something she can point out and be done
with.

2017b60e-f52f-481b-a44f-187f2b4ef075-0
00:11:59.640 --> 00:12:03.315
You could to say, and we have,
we've got the very telling sentence,

2017b60e-f52f-481b-a44f-187f2b4ef075-1
00:12:03.315 --> 00:12:06.396
if you like, Mel, like sudden,
very telling, very clear,

2017b60e-f52f-481b-a44f-187f2b4ef075-2
00:12:06.396 --> 00:12:10.233
followed immediately by something more,
I guess esoteric, clean edges,

2017b60e-f52f-481b-a44f-187f2b4ef075-3
00:12:10.233 --> 00:12:12.720
something she can point out and be done
with.

dcca8e00-8152-4c32-a840-d3c73a195479-0
00:12:13.080 --> 00:12:15.263
And I think that juxtaposition is really
nice,

dcca8e00-8152-4c32-a840-d3c73a195479-1
00:12:15.263 --> 00:12:18.005
especially in flash fiction because we've
been very clear,

dcca8e00-8152-4c32-a840-d3c73a195479-2
00:12:18.005 --> 00:12:21.629
we've said Mel like sudden and we're
right at the start of this story setting

dcca8e00-8152-4c32-a840-d3c73a195479-3
00:12:21.629 --> 00:12:22.280
up who she is.

bbfc6f07-20ee-4d43-8c60-902ae8dfddd9-0
00:12:22.640 --> 00:12:24.440
So that's really helpful information.

5da87a81-b234-4bdf-8a18-7418806c5fa9-0
00:12:24.760 --> 00:12:28.833
But we haven't just left it at that
because that might be a little bit dull,

5da87a81-b234-4bdf-8a18-7418806c5fa9-1
00:12:28.833 --> 00:12:31.320
I guess,
or not exciting to read for a reader.

bf5e9c0d-1b19-46ad-9da5-e7c4fbaf5fbb-0
00:12:31.680 --> 00:12:35.680
So what you've done then, JJ,
is give us something to chew on there.

2f8573db-a326-4240-9e70-a50f5545fa82-0
00:12:35.880 --> 00:12:37.720
Like, what is this idea of clean edges?

5b6051a2-eb01-4426-a56a-5dab6e34f513-0
00:12:37.720 --> 00:12:38.600
What does that mean?

8c4a77a5-9ab7-4681-9b80-43a518bc6d50-0
00:12:38.960 --> 00:12:41.680
And to point out and be done with,
what does that mean?

60111278-d247-4611-bb45-b67b3b4c732a-0
00:12:41.680 --> 00:12:44.920
And we start to get a bit more of an
evocative picture of this character.

36a3ef8d-f573-4173-a02e-9c7d637de03f-0
00:12:45.240 --> 00:12:47.280
So I really like how you've done that
there.

02d1dd44-3f31-4146-a334-5f92ee386954-0
00:12:47.280 --> 00:12:48.560
And I think that works really well.

98fa9b36-bb33-4c05-bcba-18c1ab344422-0
00:12:48.560 --> 00:12:48.920
Yeah.

0b4eef8a-0e1a-4264-8c15-35137bc283d4-0
00:12:48.920 --> 00:12:51.560
And so we're talking about the first
opening paragraph here.

0c75c0d0-ca84-47a3-89b4-17d228394b46-0
00:12:51.560 --> 00:12:55.527
And we often talk about, like,
setting the stage and painting a picture

0c75c0d0-ca84-47a3-89b4-17d228394b46-1
00:12:55.527 --> 00:12:56.960
in the mind of the reader.

2fc5a7da-3a9a-4bf7-bf15-446343840847-0
00:12:56.960 --> 00:12:58.920
And this opening paragraph doesn't do
that.

fa0688d5-b992-4584-b599-e987546f7df4-0
00:12:58.960 --> 00:13:01.346
I think the next paragraph starts to do
that more,

fa0688d5-b992-4584-b599-e987546f7df4-1
00:13:01.346 --> 00:13:04.949
but what I think it does is establish the
voice and establish the character,

fa0688d5-b992-4584-b599-e987546f7df4-2
00:13:04.949 --> 00:13:06.400
which are equally as important.

f33dd65b-a171-42bd-a413-182c6814dc2a-0
00:13:06.480 --> 00:13:09.361
You know,
even even though we don't know where we

f33dd65b-a171-42bd-a413-182c6814dc2a-1
00:13:09.361 --> 00:13:12.474
are just yet,
we have an inkling of something forming

f33dd65b-a171-42bd-a413-182c6814dc2a-2
00:13:12.474 --> 00:13:13.800
and we're not confused.

73a13e3d-177f-42df-be2f-b57e0168fb00-0
00:13:14.200 --> 00:13:16.320
And even more, more than that,
it's intriguing.

e6628dc2-315d-42e8-96d8-019c8c355fc6-0
00:13:16.400 --> 00:13:16.680
Yeah.

f4fc9d55-f7da-4d11-8d3c-c874aee8579c-0
00:13:16.680 --> 00:13:18.828
I mean,
I guess the main things I recommend

f4fc9d55-f7da-4d11-8d3c-c874aee8579c-1
00:13:18.828 --> 00:13:21.708
people tick off, you know,
in their opening sentences are,

f4fc9d55-f7da-4d11-8d3c-c874aee8579c-2
00:13:21.708 --> 00:13:22.880
who is this story about?

5fc50817-ac9f-4cbb-80ef-560634438994-0
00:13:22.880 --> 00:13:24.120
We've got that very clearly.

740e3c77-8e42-4c95-95cd-2dc35a9b824f-0
00:13:24.120 --> 00:13:26.360
And of course,
I like to say name the character.

118a31d4-d777-4d6f-aee5-f25dbf5f2aa2-0
00:13:26.360 --> 00:13:28.160
It's not always essential,
but we've got that here.

609cc9f6-a057-4a44-ad32-9fea6b9c9e25-0
00:13:28.160 --> 00:13:29.320
So we've already got Mel.

073d2fee-f72c-4545-9153-a1c5073b3f7e-0
00:13:29.320 --> 00:13:30.440
We've been introduced to Mel.

b5cb9dd5-2d2d-4f5a-9a99-ef6593d59591-0
00:13:30.960 --> 00:13:34.921
The next thing is the where,
and we do have like out where the orange

b5cb9dd5-2d2d-4f5a-9a99-ef6593d59591-1
00:13:34.921 --> 00:13:36.280
Groves go a little sour.

450c1c32-b946-4690-af13-4b805ae4b45b-0
00:13:36.280 --> 00:13:38.983
And because we've got that Southern like
twang to it as well,

450c1c32-b946-4690-af13-4b805ae4b45b-1
00:13:38.983 --> 00:13:41.600
we also get a sense of where in the world
that that is set.

e5500012-8581-4b66-a48c-6995518b17ff-0
00:13:42.000 --> 00:13:44.520
So those things are very, very crucial.

4fb88a50-b5d6-4f54-81f0-f70e42f91d19-0
00:13:44.880 --> 00:13:47.520
And on top of that,
we've got the beginnings of the tone and

4fb88a50-b5d6-4f54-81f0-f70e42f91d19-1
00:13:47.520 --> 00:13:48.560
the voice of this piece.

16f6e8f9-1f90-4b94-ac54-e54a60254212-0
00:13:48.760 --> 00:13:51.720
And we've also got a bit of a hook too,
because we're starting to wonder.

02d2d4a5-3861-4414-b92a-08c2207143bf-0
00:13:51.720 --> 00:13:55.120
OK, well, Mel likes it sudden,
but it's not going to be like that.

ab9b0a7d-b8d9-4f70-862d-1785362d6b0c-0
00:13:55.120 --> 00:13:56.600
We've got a sense of conflict already.

ab7760f7-189c-4877-9502-a5cb8e101f77-0
00:13:56.600 --> 00:13:58.080
So all of that is amazing.

4f1d5d59-9fc3-497b-9813-9c5c1ec32440-0
00:13:58.080 --> 00:14:00.360
And that's in just like a few sentences.

22e33d5c-e86b-4413-904a-a0838dad842d-0
00:14:00.400 --> 00:14:01.520
So very, very well done.

4ff31812-72bc-48a4-bdc6-7afd95ed2775-0
00:14:01.520 --> 00:14:04.600
And we're also referencing the title
early on as well.

b7937389-9d72-429d-8329-8fa9a688752d-0
00:14:04.600 --> 00:14:07.296
So the title being clean edges suite with
rot,

b7937389-9d72-429d-8329-8fa9a688752d-1
00:14:07.296 --> 00:14:11.600
we get the clean edges half of the title,
we get the suite with rot later.

d18810dd-8955-4a8c-ada0-ccd5d643cd3d-0
00:14:11.760 --> 00:14:14.720
Both of those are, I guess,
quite evocative in themselves.

83e82e6c-f933-489a-9b37-898d40c32895-0
00:14:14.720 --> 00:14:16.360
Not cliche as such.

ff30a0de-0804-4165-9e2c-a45d42657acc-0
00:14:16.400 --> 00:14:19.470
Yeah, I mean, for me,
this this title absolutely does recall

ff30a0de-0804-4165-9e2c-a45d42657acc-1
00:14:19.470 --> 00:14:21.886
the story in my mind,
which I think is the key,

ff30a0de-0804-4165-9e2c-a45d42657acc-2
00:14:21.886 --> 00:14:24.000
and it's absolutely not cliche whatsoever.

9c636ae1-a011-4e1a-ac28-4bdad250262e-0
00:14:24.000 --> 00:14:26.000
So from my perspective,
it works really well.

1696cd49-81fc-4871-974c-2c61c49fe8d1-0
00:14:26.000 --> 00:14:28.741
And it's also, I guess,
gives you that little bit of that

1696cd49-81fc-4871-974c-2c61c49fe8d1-1
00:14:28.741 --> 00:14:31.436
question that you're left with at the end
of this, like,

1696cd49-81fc-4871-974c-2c61c49fe8d1-2
00:14:31.436 --> 00:14:32.760
what does that mean exactly?

0ffa2b10-8297-4075-95ce-b440a1f2cfd7-0
00:14:32.800 --> 00:14:33.960
And what does it mean for me?

d4180ca0-4887-48c8-ac79-7a08eeff9e8e-0
00:14:34.400 --> 00:14:38.286
So after this opening paragraph,
we move into this kind of back story bit,

d4180ca0-4887-48c8-ac79-7a08eeff9e8e-1
00:14:38.286 --> 00:14:40.515
you know,
where we start to talk about the

d4180ca0-4887-48c8-ac79-7a08eeff9e8e-2
00:14:40.515 --> 00:14:42.640
progression of ageing, I suppose for Mel.

21f1ce59-4407-4cfc-93af-998f122b0384-0
00:14:43.120 --> 00:14:48.160
Now, I'm going to skip ahead, I guess,
a little bit to maybe this fatal flaw.

6c4c288d-4a47-40a7-9303-73702c8288e9-0
00:14:49.360 --> 00:14:52.237
One of the things that we struggled with
with this story,

6c4c288d-4a47-40a7-9303-73702c8288e9-1
00:14:52.237 --> 00:14:54.519
and that is that JJ in her brief
explanation,

6c4c288d-4a47-40a7-9303-73702c8288e9-2
00:14:54.519 --> 00:14:58.487
gave us a bit more information about this
and sort of said the alligators are a

6c4c288d-4a47-40a7-9303-73702c8288e9-3
00:14:58.487 --> 00:14:59.480
metaphor for ageing.

86e3f54e-b4b4-4cfb-b8ff-f02f188f10d9-0
00:14:59.480 --> 00:15:02.201
And so, you know,
when Amber's pushing the alligator away,

86e3f54e-b4b4-4cfb-b8ff-f02f188f10d9-1
00:15:02.201 --> 00:15:05.800
that's her denying that she's ageing and
kind of, I guess, trying to fake it.

1a83fb03-5468-4117-b820-218203196760-0
00:15:06.160 --> 00:15:08.400
And at the end,
Mel kind of accepts her ageing.

ab02813c-e025-487d-9c3e-c614e880c587-0
00:15:08.400 --> 00:15:13.006
And so we've got in this opening part,
this kind of slow creep of the alligator

ab02813c-e025-487d-9c3e-c614e880c587-1
00:15:13.006 --> 00:15:16.058
underwater,
we've got the pruney fingers and then it

ab02813c-e025-487d-9c3e-c614e880c587-2
00:15:16.058 --> 00:15:17.439
starts to go from there.

edf91559-52bc-4e34-964f-b69d2d259d5f-0
00:15:17.720 --> 00:15:19.400
Now all of that's wonderful.

2ffed093-b952-4c8b-a5f2-1f10e760da29-0
00:15:19.400 --> 00:15:23.560
But unfortunately that wasn't clear to me
until I read the brief explanation.

9f6dc6aa-e8ec-4d15-be32-70a5a51525ba-0
00:15:23.560 --> 00:15:27.311
And it's clear from the judge's comments
that it wasn't really clear to anybody

9f6dc6aa-e8ec-4d15-be32-70a5a51525ba-1
00:15:27.311 --> 00:15:29.000
until we got that brief explanation.

c9f6ef38-7145-4148-826e-cb267cd2f194-0
00:15:29.000 --> 00:15:33.196
And it does make sense in hindsight,
but that is something that needs to be

c9f6ef38-7145-4148-826e-cb267cd2f194-1
00:15:33.196 --> 00:15:34.080
much more clear.

f5a77c76-34b8-4862-bcc1-0eb2e105f061-0
00:15:34.160 --> 00:15:37.949
So while it's kind of very evocative and
beautiful and interesting,

f5a77c76-34b8-4862-bcc1-0eb2e105f061-1
00:15:37.949 --> 00:15:39.120
we're not getting it.

30894d3d-fb0f-4348-901a-2412e4f04a7f-0
00:15:39.160 --> 00:15:40.680
We're not engaging with this.

694f591b-38a4-4ac8-8460-9be413a31744-0
00:15:40.680 --> 00:15:44.840
Oh, so it's an alligator,
and the alligator is ageing.

e451dc60-760b-4cb3-aeab-a534f38bb2bd-0
00:15:45.280 --> 00:15:48.400
And to be honest,
I don't know that I have a piece of

e451dc60-760b-4cb3-aeab-a534f38bb2bd-1
00:15:48.400 --> 00:15:51.000
feedback about how to best communicate
that.

57ad0747-4d91-4266-82bf-db1aa38388aa-0
00:15:51.080 --> 00:15:51.480
Yeah.

4a95959f-7f06-44ec-9e76-5a37f71c6bc2-0
00:15:51.600 --> 00:15:52.920
Without being too in your face.

5c506d52-716a-4a41-a16b-8a5aabf19883-0
00:15:52.920 --> 00:15:53.440
I don't know.

170e9246-c3a8-4088-a62e-011ce2bd68b2-0
00:15:53.560 --> 00:15:55.880
But like, you've got here,
we talked before, you've got Mel.

db22e504-62af-44b5-8265-f361a45fcf72-0
00:15:55.880 --> 00:15:58.160
Like sudden and then clean edge is sweet
with rot.

5a27faea-5d79-4b78-9449-ae1d9b96e4ec-0
00:15:58.440 --> 00:16:02.700
Maybe it's as simple as like really
stating that upfront that the alligator

5a27faea-5d79-4b78-9449-ae1d9b96e4ec-1
00:16:02.700 --> 00:16:06.120
represents ageing,
somehow find a way to make that explicit.

4fe6b9cb-67af-4081-8c72-4d4c091cbe87-0
00:16:06.120 --> 00:16:07.160
Just that once.

9626f9b3-c0a4-4e25-b02a-ed5316375153-0
00:16:07.160 --> 00:16:07.440
Yeah.

02ea5f75-5499-4d71-ac41-040bc3a922d5-0
00:16:07.600 --> 00:16:10.469
And then the rest,
you can keep it evocative because we know

02ea5f75-5499-4d71-ac41-040bc3a922d5-1
00:16:10.469 --> 00:16:11.880
now what you're trying to say.

c7f41318-a16e-493f-9d82-778d553c2a83-0
00:16:11.920 --> 00:16:13.970
Yeah,
I definitely had that experience reading

c7f41318-a16e-493f-9d82-778d553c2a83-1
00:16:13.970 --> 00:16:14.800
this story as well.

6033cb1b-bd1b-4269-be23-7fc68aac4731-0
00:16:14.800 --> 00:16:19.386
Once that metaphor became apparent and I
kind of got where JJ was going with this

6033cb1b-bd1b-4269-be23-7fc68aac4731-1
00:16:19.386 --> 00:16:21.400
story, it really elevated the story.

7cb52308-071f-4c1c-80c7-fb4352541a98-0
00:16:21.680 --> 00:16:23.360
But that's never what you want.

78475c2a-66e4-4724-a3b0-3b103d85ebe9-0
00:16:23.480 --> 00:16:23.840
The.

589dd3eb-10ae-48cc-9167-4f0ac934a5c1-0
00:16:23.840 --> 00:16:27.360
And this is general comment about the
explanation fields that we provide.

bb6a134d-e8ed-46cb-af49-1b120fb07837-0
00:16:27.680 --> 00:16:30.958
They are there to explain your use of the
prompts, basically,

bb6a134d-e8ed-46cb-af49-1b120fb07837-1
00:16:30.958 --> 00:16:34.606
so we don't misunderstand how you've
utilised the prompts and, like,

bb6a134d-e8ed-46cb-af49-1b120fb07837-2
00:16:34.606 --> 00:16:35.400
disqualify you.

91782e49-20f3-464f-a100-02f92a659448-0
00:16:35.440 --> 00:16:35.960
Exactly.

90a37103-837c-4da0-8ae2-c96ec5f25630-0
00:16:35.960 --> 00:16:36.600
Missing something.

7dfcb9ae-55aa-4c91-acac-75c06b07f3c4-0
00:16:36.600 --> 00:16:38.530
Yeah,
but they're not there to explain the

7dfcb9ae-55aa-4c91-acac-75c06b07f3c4-1
00:16:38.530 --> 00:16:38.800
story.

305f2009-91ee-426d-9138-e230187a4d79-0
00:16:38.800 --> 00:16:42.070
And some people do definitely add
background information,

305f2009-91ee-426d-9138-e230187a4d79-1
00:16:42.070 --> 00:16:46.187
like about the setting or the characters
in those fields, which is fine,

305f2009-91ee-426d-9138-e230187a4d79-2
00:16:46.187 --> 00:16:49.120
but we really hate to rely on that
information too.

be1c354b-e0f2-4dd8-ba38-7f6bd2b1ecf6-0
00:16:49.120 --> 00:16:50.680
Well, we put the story into.

7e7aeae4-6360-41d5-8bb3-3a1ffcecabda-0
00:16:50.760 --> 00:16:51.360
Exactly.

2f5feec9-e7d0-44cb-878b-0d1a3086010b-0
00:16:51.760 --> 00:16:57.120
So when you're saying things that may
have helped solidify this, yeah, I agree.

7095167f-5a70-44be-a824-29336ab0cf57-0
00:16:57.320 --> 00:17:00.052
An example,
like a definite concrete example could

7095167f-5a70-44be-a824-29336ab0cf57-1
00:17:00.052 --> 00:17:00.320
help.

54e800f4-f6db-4a0e-9c53-aefeae635274-0
00:17:00.760 --> 00:17:04.316
I think when when reading through these
back story sections,

54e800f4-f6db-4a0e-9c53-aefeae635274-1
00:17:04.316 --> 00:17:06.240
we kind of jump through the ages.

69f2efc9-b36d-4279-a5bf-3277f7b22d16-0
00:17:06.440 --> 00:17:12.360
We start with this moment where Mel is in
the bath and something brushes her hands.

8e26105c-d518-46f8-9dc3-0ec1c27dbb5e-0
00:17:12.480 --> 00:17:17.221
And I know that reading this the first
time, I was confused by that, Like,

8e26105c-d518-46f8-9dc3-0ec1c27dbb5e-1
00:17:17.221 --> 00:17:18.360
what is happening?

830f950c-61ca-4097-8408-5f69ad771baf-0
00:17:18.440 --> 00:17:19.960
What is brushing her hand?

76a4ace4-3b01-4aa3-8a7d-7f42327c5ccb-0
00:17:20.400 --> 00:17:23.360
And I didn't pick that to be like the
alligator.

0cc93b5c-552b-41b3-bf5d-307b237027cb-0
00:17:23.960 --> 00:17:26.970
And I think yes,
making that explicit like a baby

0cc93b5c-552b-41b3-bf5d-307b237027cb-1
00:17:26.970 --> 00:17:31.244
alligator and somehow mirroring like the
texture of the the alligator,

0cc93b5c-552b-41b3-bf5d-307b237027cb-2
00:17:31.244 --> 00:17:35.640
the wrinkled kind of glory alligator,
which definitely feels old, right?

4520a642-95b9-4d11-85c8-4cb26cd72575-0
00:17:35.760 --> 00:17:37.240
The alligators feel old.

46d1320e-9823-471b-829a-abb32e95c41e-0
00:17:37.240 --> 00:17:38.720
Aren't they the oldest thing, right?

c1e03ac1-03a0-4216-8d72-5553ae68589f-0
00:17:38.760 --> 00:17:42.897
Like the most closely related young
alligator is always wrinkly and old

c1e03ac1-03a0-4216-8d72-5553ae68589f-1
00:17:42.897 --> 00:17:43.760
looking, right.

f18163be-fe1f-4007-9eac-41d6d52d99e5-0
00:17:43.760 --> 00:17:47.078
So you make it completely make sense to
me as a metaphor,

f18163be-fe1f-4007-9eac-41d6d52d99e5-1
00:17:47.078 --> 00:17:51.713
but I feel like it's the fact that you
haven't called out the alligator there in

f18163be-fe1f-4007-9eac-41d6d52d99e5-2
00:17:51.713 --> 00:17:52.400
that moment.

06447863-d6ab-4ed7-ac04-a548db00d7aa-0
00:17:52.720 --> 00:17:57.505
We don't really get that connection start
to be drawn because if you started there

06447863-d6ab-4ed7-ac04-a548db00d7aa-1
00:17:57.505 --> 00:18:01.715
at that moment and then have the
alligator get bigger as she gets older,

06447863-d6ab-4ed7-ac04-a548db00d7aa-2
00:18:01.715 --> 00:18:06.039
and then she turns up at the high school
reunion and we see the alligator.

74604409-881b-486e-913d-3f13e3bbed4f-0
00:18:06.040 --> 00:18:08.080
We know that that is the alligator.

fa63e228-0356-417f-977a-7730fac7b968-0
00:18:08.400 --> 00:18:13.593
When she does see the alligator at the
high school reunion or as she's driving

fa63e228-0356-417f-977a-7730fac7b968-1
00:18:13.593 --> 00:18:16.880
into town,
it's not put forward as her alligator.

db78aa77-467e-488e-974f-8ea1a6fe9975-0
00:18:17.080 --> 00:18:18.240
It's just an alligator.

7600a245-1dd1-419f-8fb5-7fcf1536fe06-0
00:18:18.280 --> 00:18:18.560
Yeah.

bb4401c3-9dd4-4292-9b7d-4cb686ef1415-0
00:18:18.560 --> 00:18:20.240
So we take that at face value.

49aae60e-1c80-414c-9286-ed0d29970d19-0
00:18:20.520 --> 00:18:23.800
We haven't been told like, hey,
there's this whole alligator metaphor.

45c25be4-2997-4630-a880-f0963d692964-0
00:18:23.800 --> 00:18:27.770
It's just like she sees an alligator and
we are being introduced to that alligator

45c25be4-2997-4630-a880-f0963d692964-1
00:18:27.770 --> 00:18:28.680
for the first time.

f591c223-d927-4e4b-afff-a7b2a268c47a-0
00:18:28.680 --> 00:18:31.720
So I think we need to have had that
alligator grow with her.

bf109b03-7a07-4b9e-a830-3d74b6713f36-0
00:18:31.880 --> 00:18:32.240
Yeah.

49b1dce9-99d3-49e2-ae1b-101a85d8335d-0
00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:34.695
And look,
when that alligator is introduced for the

49b1dce9-99d3-49e2-ae1b-101a85d8335d-1
00:18:34.695 --> 00:18:36.962
first time,
for me reading this the first time,

49b1dce9-99d3-49e2-ae1b-101a85d8335d-2
00:18:36.962 --> 00:18:39.040
that was literally just an alligator
there.

0208ff7d-c80a-4246-a857-957472b844d2-0
00:18:39.160 --> 00:18:42.400
Like you're going back to some town where
they have alligators, right?

fe4d71cd-24c5-4f10-81b4-8324b753c651-0
00:18:42.400 --> 00:18:43.520
And it's just happens to be there.

1ad2e9cb-a6b6-40e0-b077-4c5044e6b40d-0
00:18:43.520 --> 00:18:44.520
And that was quite evocative.

c8fc8f21-635c-491e-bf6f-1f74b0874806-0
00:18:44.520 --> 00:18:48.920
But I wasn't seeing it as this kind of
metaphysical kind of manifestation of

c8fc8f21-635c-491e-bf6f-1f74b0874806-1
00:18:48.920 --> 00:18:49.320
ageing.

602e593c-6f2e-48fe-a004-6c8f4a92bd87-0
00:18:49.320 --> 00:18:51.520
I was seeing it as literally there's an
alligator there.

5c50b347-4468-41c0-9dc0-e5859b96aedb-0
00:18:52.000 --> 00:18:53.920
But, you know,
there's lots of opportunities with this.

c026d36f-61b1-4955-849c-311c5c92eda0-0
00:18:53.920 --> 00:18:54.960
I think it's all there.

47385f78-00c7-42dc-bcec-1ae14d5d4ae0-0
00:18:54.960 --> 00:18:58.675
It's just a matter of being much more
clear with it and perhaps a bit more

47385f78-00c7-42dc-bcec-1ae14d5d4ae0-1
00:18:58.675 --> 00:19:00.360
strategic with what you're saying.

e340a8fb-9a74-447f-9d0b-bffb9e6814f6-0
00:19:00.760 --> 00:19:02.680
The other opportunity I suggest.

3788f706-9010-49d9-ae49-9e6ceccbe717-0
00:19:02.680 --> 00:19:03.440
So we've got that.

a6422ab3-ddf8-47d0-a629-6c56fa773f0f-0
00:19:03.440 --> 00:19:05.600
She, we begin at 29 really.

e6910f20-0e24-46d1-ac50-017af3deb2eb-0
00:19:05.880 --> 00:19:08.240
And one challenge I'd give for that one.

17f966cd-460c-4fc8-aa66-38a4ddbc4151-0
00:19:08.240 --> 00:19:11.302
She brushes her hands under the bathwater,
she pulls it out there wrinkly,

17f966cd-460c-4fc8-aa66-38a4ddbc4151-1
00:19:11.302 --> 00:19:12.160
but they smooth away.

0ce21390-3638-42f3-a065-90782e897658-0
00:19:12.440 --> 00:19:14.360
I mean, that's just pruny fingers to me.

2e4a9f32-cecf-436a-bd58-58252d1a5721-0
00:19:14.360 --> 00:19:15.720
That's not ageing either.

4a98a47c-31b7-49d4-9790-7f9c9fbcc5f1-0
00:19:15.800 --> 00:19:17.120
And maybe that's intentional.

41038fc3-bb65-4963-ba7a-23de2c0e90aa-0
00:19:17.120 --> 00:19:20.938
Like the first time it happens,
it's not really real wrinkles and that's

41038fc3-bb65-4963-ba7a-23de2c0e90aa-1
00:19:20.938 --> 00:19:21.200
fine.

86ad215b-5bee-404e-a42e-f110e0b75d9d-0
00:19:21.200 --> 00:19:23.713
I get that,
but I wonder if we need to take a step

86ad215b-5bee-404e-a42e-f110e0b75d9d-1
00:19:23.713 --> 00:19:26.720
back to high school because this is the
high school reunion.

ef518970-cbfe-4589-8a30-6d5e1bdfd84d-0
00:19:26.920 --> 00:19:31.670
Would it be worth beginning that ageing
process in the final year of high school

ef518970-cbfe-4589-8a30-6d5e1bdfd84d-1
00:19:31.670 --> 00:19:36.245
and have that first horrifying like, oh,
I'm getting old kind of thing there,

ef518970-cbfe-4589-8a30-6d5e1bdfd84d-2
00:19:36.245 --> 00:19:38.240
just to make that loop make sense.

5a749c45-5730-4a7e-972f-4946da126c2c-0
00:19:38.240 --> 00:19:41.974
And maybe there's a moment there where
Amber says something to her rather than

5a749c45-5730-4a7e-972f-4946da126c2c-1
00:19:41.974 --> 00:19:44.196
just being in the bath, just to give,
I guess,

5a749c45-5730-4a7e-972f-4946da126c2c-2
00:19:44.196 --> 00:19:46.890
a little bit more power to Amber as a
character as well,

5a749c45-5730-4a7e-972f-4946da126c2c-3
00:19:46.890 --> 00:19:49.160
or to any of the other characters that
you use.

7c940d96-e2d3-44a9-b4d4-3c32fb7246f3-0
00:19:49.320 --> 00:19:49.600
Yeah.

395f1562-7d3d-4d4e-8227-5c1d542eb53d-0
00:19:49.600 --> 00:19:51.360
Look,
I had similar feedback around some of

395f1562-7d3d-4d4e-8227-5c1d542eb53d-1
00:19:51.360 --> 00:19:52.040
these time jumps.

870f7402-84d0-4c40-a1b5-7a898c20d5ba-0
00:19:52.040 --> 00:19:53.320
I mean, I like this format.

b23faaf8-a07d-4a6b-a2fc-d8a2d67dccd8-0
00:19:53.320 --> 00:19:54.520
You know, the the time jump.

563cbd12-e408-481e-87c8-724a289c1e17-0
00:19:54.520 --> 00:19:57.160
We're seeing her get older at 34.

4db6d939-94bd-4a4f-9155-95bc30ace7fc-0
00:19:57.200 --> 00:20:01.480
We have this moment with her mum and her
prognosis living six months past.

bce91e71-2400-4f1a-84d6-5b6ed066d3db-0
00:20:02.160 --> 00:20:05.325
While, you know,
that gives us a bit of character and a

bce91e71-2400-4f1a-84d6-5b6ed066d3db-1
00:20:05.325 --> 00:20:09.789
bit of her relationship with ageing,
obviously she's had a mother who has gone

bce91e71-2400-4f1a-84d6-5b6ed066d3db-2
00:20:09.789 --> 00:20:13.972
through a medical issue and she is
therefore hung up about ageing and has

bce91e71-2400-4f1a-84d6-5b6ed066d3db-3
00:20:13.972 --> 00:20:16.120
this kind of relationship with ageing.

8c290d8b-b9c5-42a1-9fa6-3c48fe987539-0
00:20:16.120 --> 00:20:17.832
She doesn't want to age,
doesn't want to die,

8c290d8b-b9c5-42a1-9fa6-3c48fe987539-1
00:20:17.832 --> 00:20:19.880
that kind of thing that that definitely
comes through.

10d09e87-e7b0-4d8e-a6d5-1518a97e422a-0
00:20:20.240 --> 00:20:24.076
But I also think that that is an
opportunity, as you've mentioned as well,

10d09e87-e7b0-4d8e-a6d5-1518a97e422a-1
00:20:24.076 --> 00:20:28.167
to introduce some of these characters
that come in later because when they come

10d09e87-e7b0-4d8e-a6d5-1518a97e422a-2
00:20:28.167 --> 00:20:29.600
in, it's for the first time.

b381e7b2-473a-458d-b02f-b3602dfd7375-0
00:20:29.800 --> 00:20:32.080
We don't really know what the
relationship is like.

f2f38f2e-174a-462b-8f9e-c9c76f7de663-0
00:20:32.400 --> 00:20:34.932
Having them come through in those earlier
moments,

f2f38f2e-174a-462b-8f9e-c9c76f7de663-1
00:20:34.932 --> 00:20:38.160
I think might make those interactions
later a bit more powerful.

a75b04b9-8876-41e7-9687-2f6d95431a86-0
00:20:38.240 --> 00:20:38.960
Yeah, definitely.

ea3d3432-583a-4acb-b909-5bad3069a490-0
00:20:38.960 --> 00:20:40.681
I mean,
I don't have a big problem with the

ea3d3432-583a-4acb-b909-5bad3069a490-1
00:20:40.681 --> 00:20:43.654
mother coming in there because she is
called back again later because she's

ea3d3432-583a-4acb-b909-5bad3069a490-2
00:20:43.654 --> 00:20:46.783
during that comparison between, you know,
she sees her own face in the rearview

ea3d3432-583a-4acb-b909-5bad3069a490-3
00:20:46.783 --> 00:20:47.840
mirror and sees her mother.

eb562374-a302-41ec-8215-623cb7f8bc9d-0
00:20:48.240 --> 00:20:49.680
So I think that's fine.

bf6235d5-ed6a-495d-8e38-e0c70b5cd43c-0
00:20:49.760 --> 00:20:51.840
And it's a word count issue really.

52357549-6d93-41bb-980e-bbf26aadb51f-0
00:20:51.840 --> 00:20:52.880
Like, do you have the words?

d014810a-9f81-4c3d-944d-60574dfbb1fd-0
00:20:53.120 --> 00:20:57.204
But I do think it would be helpful to
potentially bring at least Amber back in

d014810a-9f81-4c3d-944d-60574dfbb1fd-1
00:20:57.204 --> 00:21:01.393
early because otherwise what we end up
with and look, it's OK for flash fiction,

d014810a-9f81-4c3d-944d-60574dfbb1fd-2
00:21:01.393 --> 00:21:03.720
but archetypes instead of characters,
right?

5025d4c7-c997-4040-b2b7-1a1ca67d5e28-0
00:21:03.800 --> 00:21:05.360
Amber is such an archetype.

cbe54061-3d26-4e78-8e27-b248019113ac-0
00:21:05.360 --> 00:21:09.032
She's just, you know,
the high school cheerleader type who was

cbe54061-3d26-4e78-8e27-b248019113ac-1
00:21:09.032 --> 00:21:12.879
popular in high school and now is ageing
like that kind of thing,

cbe54061-3d26-4e78-8e27-b248019113ac-2
00:21:12.879 --> 00:21:17.251
which is great because sometimes in flash
fiction with a short word count,

cbe54061-3d26-4e78-8e27-b248019113ac-3
00:21:17.251 --> 00:21:21.797
you have to rely on these familiar kind
of themes that people know to sort of

cbe54061-3d26-4e78-8e27-b248019113ac-4
00:21:21.797 --> 00:21:23.079
manage things quickly.

2a0ba32b-ba78-4eef-b6d1-ad7a9ca757d9-0
00:21:23.080 --> 00:21:24.680
But it does feel less personal.

2b71c24b-87e7-4c5b-a24b-18f1d6dd0b5c-0
00:21:25.160 --> 00:21:29.256
And so if you can find a way to make it
more personal for Mel and her experience

2b71c24b-87e7-4c5b-a24b-18f1d6dd0b5c-1
00:21:29.256 --> 00:21:32.037
of high school,
I think that levels up that uniqueness

2b71c24b-87e7-4c5b-a24b-18f1d6dd0b5c-2
00:21:32.037 --> 00:21:34.718
and that individuality of this story over
and above,

2b71c24b-87e7-4c5b-a24b-18f1d6dd0b5c-3
00:21:34.718 --> 00:21:36.640
like just any old high school reunion.

6292f83e-c53e-4faf-ab41-b2cb91701119-0
00:21:36.880 --> 00:21:39.314
And same goes for the guy whose name
escapes me,

6292f83e-c53e-4faf-ab41-b2cb91701119-1
00:21:39.314 --> 00:21:43.040
but the one who who was sucking in his
gut again, a bit archetypal, right?

99a9aaa2-4180-4c4a-8797-8204f4c4aad2-0
00:21:43.040 --> 00:21:47.165
He's just the guy who's gone a bit soft
in the middle by the high school reunion

99a9aaa2-4180-4c4a-8797-8204f4c4aad2-1
00:21:47.165 --> 00:21:50.322
who is perhaps, you know,
a love interest at the time of high

99a9aaa2-4180-4c4a-8797-8204f4c4aad2-2
00:21:50.322 --> 00:21:52.920
school,
but we don't know anything else about him.

0126032f-80e3-4f8c-ae64-a4d01136cf4e-0
00:21:53.440 --> 00:21:53.960
Oh, Bobby.

22f812f8-0073-4627-909a-ea72862cd8f8-0
00:21:54.240 --> 00:21:56.160
So I guess just an option to level up.

82819c0f-34ea-4db5-ae8f-b7ab60f49001-0
00:21:56.160 --> 00:21:59.972
I mean, those weren't issues that I guess,
that stood in the way of this story

82819c0f-34ea-4db5-ae8f-b7ab60f49001-1
00:21:59.972 --> 00:22:00.600
shortlisting.

6787e9e2-58a8-4170-82d6-8d1cf36c4724-0
00:22:00.640 --> 00:22:02.640
But, you know,
you're writing it in a weekend.

d74304b4-d200-4b27-8d2e-24cabfacc02d-0
00:22:02.640 --> 00:22:06.032
If you were to go back and look at it,
you could start to kind of push some of

d74304b4-d200-4b27-8d2e-24cabfacc02d-1
00:22:06.032 --> 00:22:08.051
these things a little bit harder and,
I guess,

d74304b4-d200-4b27-8d2e-24cabfacc02d-2
00:22:08.051 --> 00:22:09.640
get a bit more out of the word count.

2ff1dcc3-9545-4a75-bc53-f1b17a7e26e9-0
00:22:09.680 --> 00:22:10.040
Yeah.

1ff8b281-ad28-4d40-b48c-c8bc63993da7-0
00:22:10.400 --> 00:22:14.942
And I think the take away from this is
that we all did really enjoy that

1ff8b281-ad28-4d40-b48c-c8bc63993da7-1
00:22:14.942 --> 00:22:18.115
metaphor,
the idea of the alligator and ageing and

1ff8b281-ad28-4d40-b48c-c8bc63993da7-2
00:22:18.115 --> 00:22:19.359
drawing these lines.

b1529b55-b303-487c-92d7-7ec0ceaedc27-0
00:22:19.360 --> 00:22:23.876
And the good thing about the alligator
metaphor is that it's so unusual and that

b1529b55-b303-487c-92d7-7ec0ceaedc27-1
00:22:23.876 --> 00:22:24.880
it's not a cliche.

9e957707-89fa-4921-b4a3-98f292a511ed-0
00:22:24.880 --> 00:22:28.280
It's not like alligators and ageing go
hand in hand, but it's obvious.

e9e7ecec-0a0a-424b-b268-99073430a2ed-0
00:22:28.920 --> 00:22:33.000
And so really it does become about making
these comparisons more clear.

a811391f-9b5c-4893-8311-9b3267e4629a-0
00:22:33.400 --> 00:22:36.572
You know, the next bit,
we're at 38 and she's got these moon

a811391f-9b5c-4893-8311-9b3267e4629a-1
00:22:36.572 --> 00:22:39.120
soaked dreams,
like leaning into the the prompt.

490d1dbf-794a-4196-81e6-7f29a83a906a-0
00:22:39.480 --> 00:22:43.760
But I love the imagery,
the skin dragging claws, scratching.

8144f0dc-8f68-4e45-bf13-964ac328c194-0
00:22:43.760 --> 00:22:47.064
So the idea of like soaking water, skin,
claws,

8144f0dc-8f68-4e45-bf13-964ac328c194-1
00:22:47.064 --> 00:22:52.160
this stuff that evokes an alligator,
I just wish that link had been made.

0abba312-eabe-473e-82c9-84c194c658c8-0
00:22:52.160 --> 00:22:55.726
I wish that we got that through line a
bit more clearly so that we can just

0abba312-eabe-473e-82c9-84c194c658c8-1
00:22:55.726 --> 00:22:58.776
follow that so that when she does see the
alligator, we're like,

0abba312-eabe-473e-82c9-84c194c658c8-2
00:22:58.776 --> 00:23:00.559
we know who you are in the next scene.

7362735e-aadb-4aaf-bafb-de89eccf0967-0
00:23:01.440 --> 00:23:04.120
And maybe minor note on the structure or
point of clarity.

c2d910c2-5943-49c8-86fb-6e5e42c7434b-0
00:23:04.120 --> 00:23:06.760
So the next little paragraph is at 43.

f309abab-b95e-4dd8-af4c-aa698b1b3899-0
00:23:06.760 --> 00:23:09.920
So at 43,
she turned back toward Montura for her 25

f309abab-b95e-4dd8-af4c-aa698b1b3899-1
00:23:09.920 --> 00:23:11.440
year high school reunion.

49771134-a22d-4172-9df1-c2ce1254316a-0
00:23:11.720 --> 00:23:13.360
And then the story continues from there.

e1b8bcc9-70f7-4ac6-b6ba-3cd15be0875e-0
00:23:13.720 --> 00:23:18.875
So we've gotten this cadence OF29343843
And for me as a reader,

e1b8bcc9-70f7-4ac6-b6ba-3cd15be0875e-1
00:23:18.875 --> 00:23:25.240
I kind of expected that to continue as a
broad brush strokes view of her life.

2175a790-fd00-4bed-aee9-ffd24813f874-0
00:23:25.680 --> 00:23:27.480
You needed more of a signpost that it was.

b407c3dd-2515-41f1-8716-0cdc4fc9372b-0
00:23:27.480 --> 00:23:29.440
That's where we're sticking now kind of
thing.

db8298e0-ab0f-4356-85c3-81d516ff170f-0
00:23:29.520 --> 00:23:32.720
Maybe just a a little like now at 43.

3b099451-134b-4b02-8c73-64576bd6b483-0
00:23:32.760 --> 00:23:32.960
Yeah.

5658edd0-5c00-4813-8379-916e2c5328fa-0
00:23:33.000 --> 00:23:36.360
Or something just to tell us, hey,
this is where the story starts.

0113dab9-2f12-43fc-b1f0-8fdda1d09080-0
00:23:36.360 --> 00:23:36.640
Yeah.

8a503847-b850-4980-85e8-aa4b5601a458-0
00:23:36.640 --> 00:23:37.760
And it can be that simple.

0462546e-33a4-45e4-9cca-f49205f8ea42-0
00:23:37.760 --> 00:23:41.600
I think in this case it is complicated a
little by that line.

ed0fbf84-ef78-4886-b537-1fb005b1b40a-0
00:23:41.600 --> 00:23:44.904
When her mum was in Hospice,
Mel promised she wouldn't skip another

ed0fbf84-ef78-4886-b537-1fb005b1b40a-1
00:23:44.904 --> 00:23:46.800
because now we've skip jump back again.

4074f4d3-9462-407d-aa12-c52d9ea9249a-0
00:23:46.800 --> 00:23:47.040
Yeah.

418a5fc4-d2c7-4ebe-aff0-9422cbc2f29a-0
00:23:47.320 --> 00:23:48.840
And then we're jumping forward again.

e75afdd9-c3dc-4baa-b1eb-2f44543bf618-0
00:23:48.840 --> 00:23:52.880
And I would call that like a little speed
bump kind of thing with reading.

464a9d59-7f79-4d13-8632-4325bf16e2ca-0
00:23:52.880 --> 00:23:54.560
And we want to iron all of those out.

b3397b1a-5101-45d6-90e0-b35bdf1259e1-0
00:23:54.560 --> 00:23:57.480
So it's not like that sentence is not
clear.

25f29292-1ec8-4486-8b8e-d6246c27ee59-0
00:23:57.480 --> 00:23:58.120
It is.

37e4806c-8573-4b4e-84e0-f3d22c72d07a-0
00:23:58.240 --> 00:24:00.040
But as you're reading, it doesn't flow.

0c80c683-7936-4ebd-bf75-01d1c1b2db3c-0
00:24:00.160 --> 00:24:03.720
And so it takes a minute for you as a
reader to go hang on, wait, where are we?

7aa89598-2c01-4ac5-a355-b8cd9e3ee77b-0
00:24:03.720 --> 00:24:06.040
And then we're jumping back to the
present again.

42cf8117-2868-40ed-af48-1a987fa9bb6c-0
00:24:06.040 --> 00:24:08.120
So I think just take care with that one.

c884995a-d618-43f5-a667-5a59ddf4a597-0
00:24:08.120 --> 00:24:10.360
That's the kind of thing I'd just do a
gentle edit on.

df10ba15-a9a6-43b1-9fbb-e57ff588406f-0
00:24:10.360 --> 00:24:14.285
Maybe move that earlier when it happens
that she promises she won't skip a high

df10ba15-a9a6-43b1-9fbb-e57ff588406f-1
00:24:14.285 --> 00:24:18.064
school reunion or maybe we don't even
need it and we just move into the high

df10ba15-a9a6-43b1-9fbb-e57ff588406f-2
00:24:18.064 --> 00:24:19.880
school reunion for some other reason.

290e1f69-22a8-4273-a33b-34edf85bf7c6-0
00:24:19.960 --> 00:24:23.680
So what I love about the story as well is
it's very visual to me.

a809549d-448e-4b86-94b5-ed885435ce32-0
00:24:23.680 --> 00:24:27.170
And we've had this,
this moment where she sees the population

a809549d-448e-4b86-94b5-ed885435ce32-1
00:24:27.170 --> 00:24:29.760
sign 4318 and we get like the 18 falling
off.

71c12ed8-d86c-4f43-9320-2281253948ed-0
00:24:29.760 --> 00:24:32.320
She's not 18 anymore and the 43 remaining.

77b4a1c7-013f-4f61-ac5f-f9b189a5fb4e-0
00:24:32.720 --> 00:24:35.400
And I can just imagine this playing out
in a movie as well.

d3a2c653-034b-4b9b-8417-080a6744ba42-0
00:24:35.400 --> 00:24:39.161
Like also this idea of we're unsure as
the reader,

d3a2c653-034b-4b9b-8417-080a6744ba42-1
00:24:39.161 --> 00:24:45.062
are the other alligators actually there
or is this kind of manifestation or are

d3a2c653-034b-4b9b-8417-080a6744ba42-2
00:24:45.062 --> 00:24:45.800
they both?

8ba00598-7edc-41de-85c7-6717ba76ceaf-0
00:24:45.800 --> 00:24:47.874
Like,
are they there because we're in the South

8ba00598-7edc-41de-85c7-6717ba76ceaf-1
00:24:47.874 --> 00:24:50.726
and there are alligators,
but we're giving them this meaning that

8ba00598-7edc-41de-85c7-6717ba76ceaf-2
00:24:50.726 --> 00:24:51.720
they don't really have.

83ca294a-8ad4-47e6-a3f8-dcd52523c494-0
00:24:51.760 --> 00:24:53.440
Sometimes they're real,
sometimes they're not.

fc8e155d-1f46-4df5-b99c-e478f9bbfaf0-0
00:24:53.440 --> 00:24:55.320
And I could totally see that in a movie.

e201b8dd-e9ed-48af-94b8-b9979a2d1f5b-0
00:24:55.680 --> 00:24:59.960
It is a challenge in a story because we
do really seek that clarity.

9527433f-7bfa-4ec7-9a76-c682c7e66201-0
00:24:59.960 --> 00:25:02.459
But I do really enjoy the visual aspect
of this,

9527433f-7bfa-4ec7-9a76-c682c7e66201-1
00:25:02.459 --> 00:25:05.520
and I can clearly picture this all taking
place in my head.

2aa33882-a48c-47ae-a913-d748428c7dc1-0
00:25:05.960 --> 00:25:08.560
And I love those details like the 4318.

66b064f5-a197-4be1-bfba-0ece564e1f6d-0
00:25:08.680 --> 00:25:09.040
Yeah.

ba76b49e-2c20-46a1-b193-bf4855b33dd6-0
00:25:09.040 --> 00:25:12.800
And even just the line,
like about the sign, same crooked lean,

ba76b49e-2c20-46a1-b193-bf4855b33dd6-1
00:25:12.800 --> 00:25:15.796
same sun faded paint,
like just in such few words,

ba76b49e-2c20-46a1-b193-bf4855b33dd6-2
00:25:15.796 --> 00:25:18.440
giving us a really beautiful kind of
visual.

cdf3928b-7c3c-4db3-9b05-92869309ed08-0
00:25:18.880 --> 00:25:22.160
To me, this had Jaws vibes, this story.

ab177495-a5e4-4560-834c-475fb776fbca-0
00:25:22.160 --> 00:25:24.293
I don't know,
I can just picture the paint and the

ab177495-a5e4-4560-834c-475fb776fbca-1
00:25:24.293 --> 00:25:25.800
signs and all of that sort of stuff.

fcc0597e-e87b-4e2f-bcec-2d30b76a103d-0
00:25:25.800 --> 00:25:28.280
So that's the kind of vibe that was in my
head,

fcc0597e-e87b-4e2f-bcec-2d30b76a103d-1
00:25:28.280 --> 00:25:32.000
which works obviously perfectly given the
subject matter in this story.

3e192605-9d37-4d93-acb5-9940defdfbbd-0
00:25:32.320 --> 00:25:34.681
But you know,
we're we're leaning into lots of sensory

3e192605-9d37-4d93-acb5-9940defdfbbd-1
00:25:34.681 --> 00:25:35.240
details here.

f8a79ac8-50a6-4c17-ae0e-ebfb59edec3d-0
00:25:35.240 --> 00:25:37.080
Like the sweet with rod is a smell, right?

698bd240-cab4-44f7-ade6-74aa76a39671-0
00:25:37.080 --> 00:25:39.360
She winds down the window and that's what
she smells.

608ca8a4-9e56-4f39-9eb9-ea5294a95429-0
00:25:39.640 --> 00:25:41.120
We're getting that human air.

2fea99e1-d595-4e2c-bdeb-301523f5b10b-0
00:25:41.120 --> 00:25:45.760
We're getting that cloying sort of
feeling and the smell, it's rotting.

a18d74b5-d0db-4aba-b6db-e93da9fe2920-0
00:25:45.760 --> 00:25:48.800
And and that's perfect again for what's
happening in the story.

e384a592-ea77-47d1-9907-55b2dd755a21-0
00:25:49.000 --> 00:25:52.649
So in terms of Poe, right,
like that's all beautiful we're getting

e384a592-ea77-47d1-9907-55b2dd755a21-1
00:25:52.649 --> 00:25:54.120
for those who are new here.

11135bee-eafa-45a1-b1d7-0358773869ab-0
00:25:54.120 --> 00:25:56.640
So when I say Poe,
I'm talking about Edgar Allan Poe.

39718dc0-e89c-43e9-a0cc-e432f62a6435-0
00:25:56.640 --> 00:25:59.070
He gave the advice to have a single
effect,

39718dc0-e89c-43e9-a0cc-e432f62a6435-1
00:25:59.070 --> 00:26:01.280
a single emotional effect in your story.

eea2f343-f4a1-408c-a05d-fa6e2e622c2f-0
00:26:01.520 --> 00:26:03.449
But for me,
that translates as well to like a

eea2f343-f4a1-408c-a05d-fa6e2e622c2f-1
00:26:03.449 --> 00:26:04.120
thematic effect.

a9e4e904-0c1f-4cb9-a41b-bfbec0daba09-0
00:26:04.120 --> 00:26:08.621
So if we're going with this ageing and
rotting and all of that sort of stuff,

a9e4e904-0c1f-4cb9-a41b-bfbec0daba09-1
00:26:08.621 --> 00:26:12.776
this kind of language is really leaning
into that and giving us a very,

a9e4e904-0c1f-4cb9-a41b-bfbec0daba09-2
00:26:12.776 --> 00:26:15.200
very clear feeling to accompany the story.

ecabc63d-6d53-490a-8a86-f785bf8adb99-0
00:26:15.320 --> 00:26:15.720
Yeah.

4f74cca8-2a7b-4b8a-8187-8f79f958daac-0
00:26:15.720 --> 00:26:19.809
And my note to this is give me more of
that because we have this moment that she

4f74cca8-2a7b-4b8a-8187-8f79f958daac-1
00:26:19.809 --> 00:26:20.920
rolls the window down.

43be4fe4-aa45-405a-a19b-6a5ab202938c-0
00:26:21.000 --> 00:26:22.880
The heat comes in heavy sweet with rot.

eaf63047-df13-4fe5-a53a-00477dcaa7b3-0
00:26:23.160 --> 00:26:27.703
We get given the second half of the title
that we fill in the gap and we get like

eaf63047-df13-4fe5-a53a-00477dcaa7b3-1
00:26:27.703 --> 00:26:30.529
an extension of this, this metaphor or,
or really,

eaf63047-df13-4fe5-a53a-00477dcaa7b3-2
00:26:30.529 --> 00:26:34.464
I guess her internal state being
reflected in the external environment

eaf63047-df13-4fe5-a53a-00477dcaa7b3-3
00:26:34.464 --> 00:26:35.239
that she's in.

b4fd684c-0601-44cb-a50c-74e10d2398e1-0
00:26:35.240 --> 00:26:36.280
Like it's sweet with rot.

a1755a60-bf3d-4b7e-af9e-d0bde19a33d9-0
00:26:36.280 --> 00:26:38.683
She's also feeling like she's sweet with
rot,

a1755a60-bf3d-4b7e-af9e-d0bde19a33d9-1
00:26:38.683 --> 00:26:41.400
rotting from the inside as she gets older,
I guess.

d308f0af-1c37-42b7-b85b-9ec4d382a104-0
00:26:41.400 --> 00:26:42.000
Relatable.

b6597f96-0574-47d4-b1b9-b646cfc2375a-0
00:26:42.520 --> 00:26:42.880
Yeah.

8dba53f2-9287-4072-a126-733fc8d0b513-0
00:26:42.880 --> 00:26:43.760
So just.

9ca5364f-0abb-4d10-bbbc-7c7ba6187c4c-0
00:26:43.800 --> 00:26:44.960
Yeah, more of that, I think.

b101371f-515a-48e1-902d-8f70f62d8c8e-0
00:26:44.960 --> 00:26:47.154
And, and like, look,
not to say that it's absent,

b101371f-515a-48e1-902d-8f70f62d8c8e-1
00:26:47.154 --> 00:26:49.920
but I just really love that in the story
you say more of that.

9ae2124e-1aef-4a12-8da4-4ba24e517a53-0
00:26:49.920 --> 00:26:51.240
I think it's got plenty of that.

91b21c32-6234-4198-a17a-6c8502429ff0-0
00:26:51.240 --> 00:26:52.000
I mean, I'm happy.

42344c8e-165c-42b9-a6ee-ac03a2be0662-0
00:26:52.000 --> 00:26:54.440
I'm happy personally,
with what we have here.

f25c1fc1-8424-4d52-9206-f3bec7620e84-0
00:26:54.840 --> 00:26:57.212
For me,
the real thing that was lacking was that

f25c1fc1-8424-4d52-9206-f3bec7620e84-1
00:26:57.212 --> 00:26:57.600
clarity.

a939c4ee-ee84-44b8-b3cf-4c2d070f7509-0
00:26:57.960 --> 00:26:59.360
And we do have the poetry.

419ca4e4-d642-40a8-83cf-95d575f307cd-0
00:26:59.360 --> 00:27:01.680
We do have this beautiful imagery.

3b997713-dcb5-4ed4-aed1-9e72566a7356-0
00:27:01.880 --> 00:27:05.742
What that needs is sort of just a bit
more of a guiding light as to how we're

3b997713-dcb5-4ed4-aed1-9e72566a7356-1
00:27:05.742 --> 00:27:07.080
supposed to interpret that.

f21a88d1-b7d6-4788-a2d3-8deef19156c2-0
00:27:07.360 --> 00:27:07.520
Yeah.

c3aab023-e23b-4636-a7e1-ecaf96c0a52e-0
00:27:07.880 --> 00:27:11.157
And so then we have this moment where the
she meets the alligator,

c3aab023-e23b-4636-a7e1-ecaf96c0a52e-1
00:27:11.157 --> 00:27:14.044
he lifts his head,
gives this sound and it's it's put here

c3aab023-e23b-4636-a7e1-ecaf96c0a52e-2
00:27:14.044 --> 00:27:14.679
on the pages.

aa6d5dd2-ee44-4763-a3f9-8998a9b69fdb-0
00:27:14.680 --> 00:27:16.320
Just HHH Yeah.

a711d7bc-b9f3-42fd-af56-6c543578cf63-0
00:27:16.480 --> 00:27:18.120
And we both commented that we love that.

6349919d-0b1c-49eb-bac6-b98a01f0a1fa-0
00:27:18.120 --> 00:27:19.480
It's very evocative.

4958762d-1293-4fc9-bf9c-faf36e8e86c5-0
00:27:19.720 --> 00:27:23.081
It's a great way of even with such a
sparse description,

4958762d-1293-4fc9-bf9c-faf36e8e86c5-1
00:27:23.081 --> 00:27:27.976
it's so easy to imagine exactly what that
alligator would look and sound like from

4958762d-1293-4fc9-bf9c-faf36e8e86c5-2
00:27:27.976 --> 00:27:28.920
those 3 letters.

84c75d6a-499f-4bd2-8c20-c2af7acf0157-0
00:27:28.920 --> 00:27:29.960
I think it's really so good.

ae6cae9f-68e9-4a23-a005-c3241efab835-0
00:27:30.240 --> 00:27:30.800
It's so good.

9048d11b-2588-4506-b078-6246907ad24a-0
00:27:30.800 --> 00:27:32.000
Automata PR beautiful.

46773e46-f817-42ab-a581-134c765a47c1-0
00:27:32.400 --> 00:27:35.303
I mean,
you can't have ha ha ha ha or hee hee hee

46773e46-f817-42ab-a581-134c765a47c1-1
00:27:35.303 --> 00:27:36.000
or ho ho ho.

e48d3541-0054-44af-a016-55491608c35f-0
00:27:36.040 --> 00:27:37.080
We're running out, right?

578ca77d-9a2e-44af-9c50-8ab27eb91531-0
00:27:37.160 --> 00:27:38.360
So we get rid of the vowel.

501e9d76-a212-47e6-a902-9a846f7dca4a-0
00:27:38.800 --> 00:27:42.782
And I can't overstate how much I love
that, that sung to me,

501e9d76-a212-47e6-a902-9a846f7dca4a-1
00:27:42.782 --> 00:27:44.480
that just those 3 letters.

59e48ba5-e344-4bdd-a8c7-3fdfaa1cc519-0
00:27:44.480 --> 00:27:44.640
Yeah.

7b4cfbbe-1ee9-4b3e-b1f0-1ff288af1268-0
00:27:44.840 --> 00:27:49.281
And sometimes that's what a story can do
to spark your own imagination as you're

7b4cfbbe-1ee9-4b3e-b1f0-1ff288af1268-1
00:27:49.281 --> 00:27:49.720
reading.

87d2370a-b799-453e-bf44-3ed31c9044a6-0
00:27:50.000 --> 00:27:54.018
And I could not for the life of me make
that sound when I'm trying to read this

87d2370a-b799-453e-bf44-3ed31c9044a6-1
00:27:54.018 --> 00:27:54.320
story.

fd255a25-e3f3-4558-9427-b6d79fb006a8-0
00:27:54.320 --> 00:27:55.520
But I heard it.

c1479b78-8b5e-4da2-8d13-03efb007c100-0
00:27:55.520 --> 00:27:55.880
Yeah.

63683095-73ab-4a8a-b031-3bdd6bcfc723-0
00:27:55.880 --> 00:27:56.560
In my head.

48c4a70e-8160-4c9c-b816-2a19d3030f6d-0
00:27:56.600 --> 00:27:58.840
And I saw the alligator doing it.

ae843d55-0b1a-4a6f-b965-9d008d826e40-0
00:27:58.880 --> 00:27:59.240
Yeah.

46053502-41d4-41c8-9083-d4ed9235be62-0
00:27:59.240 --> 00:28:00.560
And that was really cool as well.

8c37a6ea-e56d-4988-b439-c08cdaba62a1-0
00:28:00.560 --> 00:28:03.371
And it did also give this kind of
mystical kind of element,

8c37a6ea-e56d-4988-b439-c08cdaba62a1-1
00:28:03.371 --> 00:28:05.526
like that's a sound maybe an alligator
makes,

8c37a6ea-e56d-4988-b439-c08cdaba62a1-2
00:28:05.526 --> 00:28:08.760
but we're getting this kind of laughing,
kind of sneering alligator.

b5e69d7e-ccf2-4242-bb0b-0f9f338666cb-0
00:28:08.760 --> 00:28:09.960
He's there intentionally.

6cc3f8f2-986e-4dd8-b5ca-795c6e89b74d-0
00:28:09.960 --> 00:28:10.920
He's being * **** ****.

d5a54d78-68d9-4808-a300-af17ad8fb3f5-0
00:28:11.040 --> 00:28:12.280
Yeah, basically.

52722912-f7ed-4819-b3b3-a5a8babfa62b-0
00:28:13.600 --> 00:28:16.841
Which, again,
like just walking that line between

52722912-f7ed-4819-b3b3-a5a8babfa62b-1
00:28:16.841 --> 00:28:19.240
what's real and what's kind of crazy.

bd70edfa-be23-4b64-ba8a-257c6f8d2e63-0
00:28:19.840 --> 00:28:23.320
I love 1 little challenge of the scene,
you know, which I love.

4f6d0e52-96fe-45cf-ae2c-15adc4b075e9-0
00:28:23.320 --> 00:28:25.720
She drives in, sees the alligator.

32f3e5eb-42e2-4416-b027-fcc54425c194-0
00:28:25.760 --> 00:28:27.040
He knocks down the sign.

76cc156a-83ee-4c37-9cf7-314147a2d2de-0
00:28:27.040 --> 00:28:30.600
It's now 43,
reminding her once again of the ageing.

0afdc74f-d1b5-4eb9-9dd9-44ee496da9b3-0
00:28:30.640 --> 00:28:34.557
Introducing the alligator is like a
formal character who's now in the scene,

0afdc74f-d1b5-4eb9-9dd9-44ee496da9b3-1
00:28:34.557 --> 00:28:37.000
but then Mel rolls up the window and
drives on.

5a8b7001-4da8-4f89-a41f-2d35b3690264-0
00:28:37.320 --> 00:28:39.520
I do wish we got a little bit more of her
reaction.

3320d00c-ad3d-494c-8224-307b7eca7088-0
00:28:39.560 --> 00:28:40.880
How did that make her feel?

c643d02e-3a63-492a-9e1a-159e7008bc28-0
00:28:40.880 --> 00:28:41.680
What does she do?

6578b704-1133-407c-abb8-6b1daa180617-0
00:28:41.680 --> 00:28:44.480
Because she just kind of witnesses this,
this alligator.

7cb856c2-8152-43d9-be05-96547b16dc72-0
00:28:44.960 --> 00:28:47.416
Something crazy happened so that she's
just like,

7cb856c2-8152-43d9-be05-96547b16dc72-1
00:28:47.416 --> 00:28:49.480
off without without so much of a response.

d302cd56-55d8-49ba-a9a7-5321ebab38a0-0
00:28:49.480 --> 00:28:52.690
I think there's maybe an opportunity
there to give us a little bit more of

d302cd56-55d8-49ba-a9a7-5321ebab38a0-1
00:28:52.690 --> 00:28:54.360
like, her frame of mind in that moment.

f1a032d7-470a-4cfb-bef3-3762f0221c06-0
00:28:54.400 --> 00:28:54.840
Yeah.

828af76e-b194-4f2c-9b97-7314fb0b7b96-0
00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:57.643
And you know,
we often talk about internality or

828af76e-b194-4f2c-9b97-7314fb0b7b96-1
00:28:57.643 --> 00:29:00.880
interiority being an issue in the stories
that we received.

f6eb726a-e7f3-4c88-bbf9-0f144699dbc0-0
00:29:00.880 --> 00:29:02.400
And it certainly was this round.

90433597-8dee-4dab-af24-3e006aa02306-0
00:29:02.840 --> 00:29:04.080
But it does have a place.

5e99617a-de09-444a-8390-0dcdb216fc31-0
00:29:04.080 --> 00:29:07.872
And that's to give us insight into how
the characters reacting to what they're

5e99617a-de09-444a-8390-0dcdb216fc31-1
00:29:07.872 --> 00:29:08.400
perceiving.

d86f3e65-7072-4dce-b15d-df459d6f93f4-0
00:29:08.400 --> 00:29:10.080
So sometimes we do need a little bit of
that.

bf6cde2c-6bc9-47c8-af9d-49f0e5ebade1-0
00:29:10.240 --> 00:29:13.600
Alright,
so now she's heading into the reunion.

8b7984ac-413f-4bf7-b075-d3f5a849f956-0
00:29:13.600 --> 00:29:17.403
She's sitting in the car, sun visor down,
like checking yourself,

8b7984ac-413f-4bf7-b075-d3f5a849f956-1
00:29:17.403 --> 00:29:18.960
seeing what she looks like.

e7fcaef1-4851-4d6e-a444-e5f9b9132b41-0
00:29:18.960 --> 00:29:21.843
She's smoothing her elevens,
which is the first time I've heard of

e7fcaef1-4851-4d6e-a444-e5f9b9132b41-1
00:29:21.843 --> 00:29:22.360
that phrase.

4267ce97-51dc-4bd1-8d09-b00f39bc4385-0
00:29:22.360 --> 00:29:24.000
I don't know if that's something that
you're familiar with.

6b03c553-257a-4e1d-a255-1f2eaaac5d40-0
00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:24.920
No, I'm not.

1ffadaea-e0c6-44c0-b6a0-b44140682105-0
00:29:24.920 --> 00:29:28.240
And it's phrased here as the elevens,
as in numeral one.

7f99a824-0123-4997-9aaf-f9112411c4b5-0
00:29:28.240 --> 00:29:31.589
Yeah, 1S,
which is probably helpful because it's

7f99a824-0123-4997-9aaf-f9112411c4b5-1
00:29:31.589 --> 00:29:34.869
the lines,
but also is not how I would normally

7f99a824-0123-4997-9aaf-f9112411c4b5-2
00:29:34.869 --> 00:29:35.280
write.

773bb8c5-8755-4b89-bf3b-02288758288a-0
00:29:35.280 --> 00:29:37.160
You'd write the word in full elevens.

4d9c05f7-d6de-4d24-a6f9-206caff0f975-0
00:29:37.160 --> 00:29:39.960
So I wasn't quite sure what was being
said there.

62bad1c2-83ab-4a9b-ae5c-264256381a89-0
00:29:39.960 --> 00:29:40.920
And I figured it out.

94a2c9a9-d9c2-44b3-9a8d-850fbe254362-0
00:29:40.960 --> 00:29:41.240
Right.

ef2e8d64-3057-47b7-bd20-377d12db6d84-0
00:29:41.240 --> 00:29:43.357
But again, it's one of those speed bumps,
you know,

ef2e8d64-3057-47b7-bd20-377d12db6d84-1
00:29:43.357 --> 00:29:46.777
like that's one of those things where you
give it to a beta reader and they go, oh,

ef2e8d64-3057-47b7-bd20-377d12db6d84-2
00:29:46.777 --> 00:29:48.080
that tripped me up a little bit.

60d92af2-36d6-4fd0-bda4-e7368d57d647-0
00:29:48.080 --> 00:29:52.028
And you just sort of finesse it because
I'm not saying don't say it because it's

60d92af2-36d6-4fd0-bda4-e7368d57d647-1
00:29:52.028 --> 00:29:52.760
a great visual.

1ce1c506-b130-460b-9fc6-ceef502d94bb-0
00:29:53.320 --> 00:29:56.120
It's more like,
how do you say it to make sure everyone

1ce1c506-b130-460b-9fc6-ceef502d94bb-1
00:29:56.120 --> 00:29:56.520
gets it?

ba62aad6-f818-4523-b334-f0506127d066-0
00:29:56.680 --> 00:29:57.000
Yeah.

01849c5a-e4c7-4529-896e-a15f35fed22c-0
00:29:57.000 --> 00:29:59.040
Without having to sort of pause and think.

debae9a8-91ad-4fa8-a215-68b30f1c9daf-0
00:29:59.080 --> 00:29:59.480
Yeah.

6e732675-3487-4172-afda-04e8c7d2a32a-0
00:29:59.520 --> 00:29:59.880
It's.

49bc804b-f127-4f89-91d1-e287a74f6e2e-0
00:29:59.960 --> 00:30:03.040
It's a tough one because it is a thing,
right.

6b92acc5-2205-4335-b92c-c89847908486-0
00:30:03.040 --> 00:30:04.720
It's a phrase that people are aware of.

964180a1-faa5-4d45-b6dd-372d32c48018-0
00:30:04.720 --> 00:30:05.960
I wasn't aware of it, so it's.

788d934d-8971-405b-8ea7-eaf977559f1b-0
00:30:05.960 --> 00:30:06.760
I don't know.

5a9970ee-0579-4211-879f-36b6aaa55256-0
00:30:06.920 --> 00:30:07.080
Yeah.

b1835b38-4976-47ed-a7b2-2c95a50e607d-0
00:30:07.080 --> 00:30:08.600
Well, I Googled it and it's a thing.

37e293da-f31e-41d6-bd3d-272fb9aeb969-0
00:30:08.600 --> 00:30:09.000
So.

b8d45fd7-416f-4293-b088-701f05a07375-0
00:30:09.360 --> 00:30:09.640
Yeah.

13e464c4-4acf-4450-b42f-65874dab4a85-0
00:30:09.640 --> 00:30:13.684
So it could just be luck of the draw that
the judge that reads your story doesn't

13e464c4-4acf-4450-b42f-65874dab4a85-1
00:30:13.684 --> 00:30:14.720
know what that means.

6fcdd3cb-5d5e-48de-8c4e-4cf714e7ac19-0
00:30:14.720 --> 00:30:16.320
But yeah, I don't have a problem with it.

7b1cae9e-b8e4-4ba9-8e29-5e4262ed548f-0
00:30:16.320 --> 00:30:18.980
It's just, yeah,
a little bit slightly obscure maybe for

7b1cae9e-b8e4-4ba9-8e29-5e4262ed548f-1
00:30:18.980 --> 00:30:19.120
us.

9d562d76-f31f-40aa-9832-6b1196293dcc-0
00:30:19.640 --> 00:30:22.915
And then she looks in the mirror and sees
her mum looking back,

9d562d76-f31f-40aa-9832-6b1196293dcc-1
00:30:22.915 --> 00:30:26.702
which maybe is a little bit cliche,
but I found it relatable because I've

9d562d76-f31f-40aa-9832-6b1196293dcc-2
00:30:26.702 --> 00:30:30.285
looked in the mirror and seen my dad
looking back and we've also been

9d562d76-f31f-40aa-9832-6b1196293dcc-3
00:30:30.285 --> 00:30:32.640
introduced,
as he said to her mum earlier on.

9149d464-c414-4d92-8fa0-c1578e3a6735-0
00:30:32.640 --> 00:30:35.520
So it is,
she's not doing that out of the blue.

5da587a3-df02-4897-ae01-94f3f5acc176-0
00:30:35.520 --> 00:30:38.008
It's,
it's linking into the story and that

5da587a3-df02-4897-ae01-94f3f5acc176-1
00:30:38.008 --> 00:30:42.406
surfaces or resurfaces her relationship
with her mother and and more of her

5da587a3-df02-4897-ae01-94f3f5acc176-2
00:30:42.406 --> 00:30:44.200
worries about ageing and death.

35dd7105-92df-4b16-aea5-cd232cdb32e1-0
00:30:44.360 --> 00:30:44.680
Yeah.

1a988803-bcb0-4e64-854e-7f6171ca8130-0
00:30:44.680 --> 00:30:47.751
And I think there's another opportunity
here if we're talking about getting a

1a988803-bcb0-4e64-854e-7f6171ca8130-1
00:30:47.751 --> 00:30:49.720
little bit more insight into what she's
thinking.

57369b73-77a9-419d-866b-f748f3fbbc13-0
00:30:50.240 --> 00:30:52.920
OK,
so you see your mum looking back and we

57369b73-77a9-419d-866b-f748f3fbbc13-1
00:30:52.920 --> 00:30:54.200
know that mum's died.

ced62231-505d-4486-be2c-97c56b755566-0
00:30:54.560 --> 00:30:54.960
All right.

9677501d-15e6-4f59-b298-ba284cd18645-0
00:30:55.000 --> 00:30:59.800
So how can we sort of leverage the impact
of that moment right now?

21576e4c-f857-4113-89d4-b7d43138d38c-0
00:31:00.400 --> 00:31:03.402
If we're talking cause and effect,
like right now, it's a series of events,

21576e4c-f857-4113-89d4-b7d43138d38c-1
00:31:03.402 --> 00:31:03.640
right?

0ed045f0-60b5-4f21-827e-ea23562c7de2-0
00:31:03.640 --> 00:31:05.751
She's driving back,
the alligator does its thing,

0ed045f0-60b5-4f21-827e-ea23562c7de2-1
00:31:05.751 --> 00:31:08.200
and then she looks in the mirror and then
she's going in.

17283660-c90f-4c11-ae1c-4355e18e7c5d-0
00:31:08.520 --> 00:31:11.400
If we talk cause and effect,
like what is making things happen?

b3129b5d-2468-4314-8dd2-bbc8b70a4bdc-0
00:31:11.520 --> 00:31:14.634
So if she looks in the mirror and sees
her mum,

b3129b5d-2468-4314-8dd2-bbc8b70a4bdc-1
00:31:14.634 --> 00:31:17.360
what does she then do as a result of that?

d8b76cae-2223-45b8-87f8-8f55df9dbbdb-0
00:31:17.480 --> 00:31:19.411
If she just slams the visor and keeps
going,

d8b76cae-2223-45b8-87f8-8f55df9dbbdb-1
00:31:19.411 --> 00:31:21.000
it's kind of an insignificant moment.

97e85e54-e425-490b-bf6f-3b531fa8c854-0
00:31:21.080 --> 00:31:25.496
If that moment causes her to do something
different or if it causes her to have a

97e85e54-e425-490b-bf6f-3b531fa8c854-1
00:31:25.496 --> 00:31:28.781
moment of reflection,
then maybe it's more worthwhile having

97e85e54-e425-490b-bf6f-3b531fa8c854-2
00:31:28.781 --> 00:31:29.320
otherwise.

bc4dfd22-6362-4d44-948c-2972773de7c3-0
00:31:29.400 --> 00:31:32.320
Otherwise it's just yet another
opportunity for her to notice that she's

bc4dfd22-6362-4d44-948c-2972773de7c3-1
00:31:32.320 --> 00:31:32.600
ageing.

16711225-495b-406c-bcd9-4d89cf2f0bea-0
00:31:32.600 --> 00:31:33.080
OK.

6128b364-4e80-4086-9969-f1c83530f8a7-0
00:31:33.440 --> 00:31:36.856
If for example, you know,
she's got all these feelings associated

6128b364-4e80-4086-9969-f1c83530f8a7-1
00:31:36.856 --> 00:31:39.755
with her mum dying young,
how does that then change her

6128b364-4e80-4086-9969-f1c83530f8a7-2
00:31:39.755 --> 00:31:42.240
relationship with the alligator in this
moment?

4c1f2bce-a1f6-4665-bf8a-51d6d0a2801c-0
00:31:42.240 --> 00:31:46.440
Does she start to fear it even more
perhaps, you know, and try and avoid it?

a3b795d3-c07f-4d67-8c7a-4af9bcd8017c-0
00:31:46.440 --> 00:31:48.120
Like how are we getting that cause and
effect?

c7f78f85-263b-4e93-a3fc-583ba929f1cd-0
00:31:48.120 --> 00:31:50.120
There is, Well,
I guess look that's a good point.

b1d54934-9afc-436d-9f98-9bd35eabe19d-0
00:31:50.120 --> 00:31:54.703
It does link into the earlier moment of
not having that reaction with the

b1d54934-9afc-436d-9f98-9bd35eabe19d-1
00:31:54.703 --> 00:31:59.040
alligator because we know what what's
coming through very clearly is.

dd0f46ca-f949-4460-8077-a53511797887-0
00:31:59.120 --> 00:32:00.920
She does not like the idea of ageing.

9eaf8871-9c37-461f-8170-d853b82c9be8-0
00:32:00.920 --> 00:32:01.920
She's feeling old.

f2532414-93aa-47ea-af18-e21ee1057008-0
00:32:01.920 --> 00:32:03.160
She feels like she's looking old.

cdf91dce-13b1-423a-bc06-b6d81a3e8640-0
00:32:03.160 --> 00:32:05.720
She knows that she's mortal,
all those kinds of things.

36361b9f-8e77-4510-8595-fa72e01cda6a-0
00:32:06.200 --> 00:32:11.160
But we don't really see how she's dealing
with this information and these feelings.

2c1f77ee-2139-4d7e-a02e-6169f85660cc-0
00:32:11.160 --> 00:32:14.550
We know that she's feeling them,
but we don't really get like how she's,

2c1f77ee-2139-4d7e-a02e-6169f85660cc-1
00:32:14.550 --> 00:32:16.640
yeah,
they're not influencing her behaviour.

e65f68b6-ef55-48fa-bcdd-8b8c24b53de2-0
00:32:16.640 --> 00:32:20.040
Like she's just kind of coasting along
and maybe she's stressing about them.

0280fd41-b84d-4d32-922f-af341c6022f0-0
00:32:20.040 --> 00:32:21.720
But is there anything more than that?

f3bc7db5-8055-4f6b-8cdc-664b6d72e424-0
00:32:21.720 --> 00:32:22.320
I'm not sure.

c28e9c34-1576-449c-9d1e-a986111ef9bd-0
00:32:22.480 --> 00:32:25.390
And I mean, from a nitpicky perspective,
we have here,

c28e9c34-1576-449c-9d1e-a986111ef9bd-1
00:32:25.390 --> 00:32:29.360
she slammed the visor shut from the Miami
Hospital employee ID clip there.

51631ede-be22-459c-b7a1-5a98af25947f-0
00:32:29.360 --> 00:32:31.520
Her ten years younger self smiled at her.

d43167b7-4f8d-44c5-9747-f81b0755466c-0
00:32:32.040 --> 00:32:34.800
Now that is what I would call a mouthful
of a sentence like.

345676c6-f406-4b22-bc9a-99532957b9a9-0
00:32:34.800 --> 00:32:37.560
And it's a little bit difficult to pass
as we're reading that.

643ce666-02dc-47f0-9de0-3d5bf7af4e32-0
00:32:37.840 --> 00:32:39.959
So that's the kind of sentence, again,
nitpicky,

643ce666-02dc-47f0-9de0-3d5bf7af4e32-1
00:32:39.959 --> 00:32:41.560
but I would go through and edit that.

725ec9f9-286c-403e-9c13-effc72aeac23-0
00:32:41.840 --> 00:32:43.856
But beyond that I would consider, okay,
well,

725ec9f9-286c-403e-9c13-effc72aeac23-1
00:32:43.856 --> 00:32:45.960
it's great to know she works at Miami
Hospital.

647fdcad-8ab3-4826-8dad-5d706e516493-0
00:32:45.960 --> 00:32:49.786
That gives us a bit more information
about her when we choose details in a

647fdcad-8ab3-4826-8dad-5d706e516493-1
00:32:49.786 --> 00:32:50.960
piece of flash fiction.

a82f7bfd-d3ea-45ee-9456-95619e494db2-0
00:32:51.200 --> 00:32:55.487
The joy of that is to choose the most
relevant apartment detail that actually

a82f7bfd-d3ea-45ee-9456-95619e494db2-1
00:32:55.487 --> 00:32:58.840
carries subtext about what's going on for
her in this story.

81625bef-0389-4505-a23b-d118335c5044-0
00:32:58.840 --> 00:33:01.109
Now,
that may have a little bit because of

81625bef-0389-4505-a23b-d118335c5044-1
00:33:01.109 --> 00:33:05.015
course she's looking at a younger version
of herself in that I'd so like,

81625bef-0389-4505-a23b-d118335c5044-2
00:33:05.015 --> 00:33:09.027
don't get me wrong, that moment is valid,
but I'm just wondering if there's

81625bef-0389-4505-a23b-d118335c5044-3
00:33:09.027 --> 00:33:13.461
something a little bit more apt about her
in this moment that feeds into the scene,

81625bef-0389-4505-a23b-d118335c5044-4
00:33:13.461 --> 00:33:16.840
that gives us subtext that pushes the
story along a little bit.

d4f0e68a-9e49-4e9f-87ea-d3f12139e2d9-0
00:33:16.920 --> 00:33:19.467
Yeah,
my note about that as well is just that

d4f0e68a-9e49-4e9f-87ea-d3f12139e2d9-1
00:33:19.467 --> 00:33:24.120
it feels quite redundant because the fact
that she was 10 years younger Once Upon a

d4f0e68a-9e49-4e9f-87ea-d3f12139e2d9-2
00:33:24.120 --> 00:33:26.280
time is just restating the the premise.

c9d1bdc3-8513-4345-b710-c11cb30dde76-0
00:33:26.280 --> 00:33:29.341
And the fact that we already understand
about this is that she's at a high school

c9d1bdc3-8513-4345-b710-c11cb30dde76-1
00:33:29.341 --> 00:33:29.640
reunion.

519d49ec-5064-4a82-a7d0-4be1b8810238-0
00:33:29.640 --> 00:33:30.440
She's feeling old.

dc8c0e24-4769-4383-81c7-502568edf356-0
00:33:30.440 --> 00:33:33.879
So it's not really giving us any new
information or progressing the plot or

dc8c0e24-4769-4383-81c7-502568edf356-1
00:33:33.879 --> 00:33:36.640
revealing anything about herself that we
don't already know.

0d891f6f-aee9-4cc1-8ea9-f89908e7c0e6-0
00:33:36.640 --> 00:33:38.000
So it's kind of a little bit redundant.

43aeed86-586e-483e-8cc1-7968ab1b3ff8-0
00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:39.080
It's a bit of repetition.

2a714c9f-3027-4735-9d22-b15f2832aadd-0
00:33:39.440 --> 00:33:41.920
I would just cut that out and use the
words for something else.

313905de-1baf-4a97-8931-ba242dccf5a3-0
00:33:41.920 --> 00:33:42.240
Yeah.

aced3881-9b25-4cd8-865a-18ebd05fc681-0
00:33:42.240 --> 00:33:46.163
And maybe you're using the words to have
that moment of introspection about the

aced3881-9b25-4cd8-865a-18ebd05fc681-1
00:33:46.163 --> 00:33:46.360
mum.

bf06309c-f47b-416e-8fb7-4e1c4487d2f6-0
00:33:46.360 --> 00:33:47.800
And then what do we do next?

d2c3dc4a-fc34-4410-aed5-1844631c6d25-0
00:33:47.800 --> 00:33:50.040
Or maybe we're going to approach it
differently.

56dc19b6-4d62-43ed-b655-4ccb56811e2d-0
00:33:50.160 --> 00:33:50.480
I don't know.

e51b75cb-3c9a-4300-a99b-72eaa3e722a2-0
00:33:51.160 --> 00:33:51.400
All right.

844eb65d-e0b2-49c2-8c4d-8c33ebec09ac-0
00:33:51.400 --> 00:33:55.360
So then we, she's headed for the entrance,
recognising folks in pieces.

597f30c6-8677-4077-959c-bc9d2cf79305-0
00:33:55.840 --> 00:33:59.400
So she runs into Amber and,
and Bobby on the way.

e2c0e259-03c0-4023-ae40-d14d11c3b3ad-0
00:33:59.400 --> 00:34:01.919
And, you know, once again,
it would be great if we already knew

e2c0e259-03c0-4023-ae40-d14d11c3b3ad-1
00:34:01.919 --> 00:34:04.320
Amber and Bobby and they were kind of
coming back to us now.

82b1849d-e6a2-4e9a-82c9-e3a81b5cd7fc-0
00:34:04.320 --> 00:34:06.734
And we we could see them with with her
eyes,

82b1849d-e6a2-4e9a-82c9-e3a81b5cd7fc-1
00:34:06.734 --> 00:34:08.720
but they're new to us in that moment.

1191b678-cbe2-452e-8b49-9abecdb8421f-0
00:34:09.000 --> 00:34:11.827
But I will say about those,
that's some beautiful,

1191b678-cbe2-452e-8b49-9abecdb8421f-1
00:34:11.827 --> 00:34:15.320
very brief characterisation that gives us
an image right away.

f230f018-2cc3-4ab1-a8b7-12c9a13514b0-0
00:34:15.320 --> 00:34:19.700
So Amber's peppy as hell walk and Bobby
sucking in his stomach like that tells us

f230f018-2cc3-4ab1-a8b7-12c9a13514b0-1
00:34:19.700 --> 00:34:23.600
so much in just a few words that you
really don't need to say much more.

75a54bf9-54c5-4608-90ab-ad04040d82e5-0
00:34:24.080 --> 00:34:28.122
The only point just being again, like,
how do we make them feel like real people,

75a54bf9-54c5-4608-90ab-ad04040d82e5-1
00:34:28.122 --> 00:34:31.080
not just archetypes of the typical people
from high school?

b4a41ccc-9934-4270-ad87-8a79389e7e0c-0
00:34:31.080 --> 00:34:34.360
How do we make that more poignant in this
moment for Mel?

e51a7e4f-b9d6-4415-bf9b-34c84b00e9c1-0
00:34:34.800 --> 00:34:34.960
Yeah.

56f6c184-19c4-4348-addc-5bd40f64f74b-0
00:34:34.960 --> 00:34:38.167
And not just real people,
but real people that have meaning to her

56f6c184-19c4-4348-addc-5bd40f64f74b-1
00:34:38.167 --> 00:34:41.327
because although we get a glimpse of,
like, we can imagine Bobby,

56f6c184-19c4-4348-addc-5bd40f64f74b-2
00:34:41.327 --> 00:34:44.200
we can imagine Amber as, as you say,
standalone archetypes.

58cd572a-d8a2-4e19-af35-7daebeecb99c-0
00:34:44.200 --> 00:34:46.400
What do they mean to Mel?

14fc97c0-33c2-4351-8832-343d8e7e229f-0
00:34:46.520 --> 00:34:48.800
Like what relationship did she have with
them?

04da3a26-f91b-4fff-ab55-08dc7f36635a-0
00:34:49.200 --> 00:34:53.360
Is it just framed as I hope they don't
see that I'm old kind of thing?

fe83fa25-69d2-4d75-949a-e7518606e351-0
00:34:53.600 --> 00:34:55.480
Or does she have like a history with them?

356a0efd-a872-4bac-ae01-dc212dea19f7-0
00:34:55.640 --> 00:34:58.794
You know,
does she have some goal here apart from

356a0efd-a872-4bac-ae01-dc212dea19f7-1
00:34:58.794 --> 00:35:00.120
just denying her age?

8756074f-4a69-4724-90f8-708d32050b9a-0
00:35:00.200 --> 00:35:04.022
And I think that's the big question and
that's what is the challenge in this

8756074f-4a69-4724-90f8-708d32050b9a-1
00:35:04.022 --> 00:35:04.320
story.

594c484e-d9fa-489f-844f-ae047bdfa2b9-0
00:35:04.320 --> 00:35:07.902
And perhaps if you were JJ to go back and
work on this story,

594c484e-d9fa-489f-844f-ae047bdfa2b9-1
00:35:07.902 --> 00:35:10.675
perhaps for publication or something like
that,

594c484e-d9fa-489f-844f-ae047bdfa2b9-2
00:35:10.675 --> 00:35:15.124
maybe just have a little bit more of a
think very clearly about what you are

594c484e-d9fa-489f-844f-ae047bdfa2b9-3
00:35:15.124 --> 00:35:16.280
saying about ageing.

af000824-82e1-42e6-8c65-84daaaf8d16c-0
00:35:16.440 --> 00:35:20.244
Because we've got these kind of themes
and it's sort of coming and going in

af000824-82e1-42e6-8c65-84daaaf8d16c-1
00:35:20.244 --> 00:35:24.098
terms of how she feels about ageing and
how she's approaching it and how the

af000824-82e1-42e6-8c65-84daaaf8d16c-2
00:35:24.098 --> 00:35:24.999
other people feel.

34323c37-01b8-4e50-9ebf-590c7fe132c0-0
00:35:25.200 --> 00:35:27.880
But we don't sort of have a clear thesis
coming through.

ca2efe2b-0554-4622-a5dd-549bac6fa5a5-0
00:35:27.880 --> 00:35:30.593
And I think it would be nice if we did
like,

ca2efe2b-0554-4622-a5dd-549bac6fa5a5-1
00:35:30.593 --> 00:35:34.995
what does Mel come into the story
believing and how does she change as a

ca2efe2b-0554-4622-a5dd-549bac6fa5a5-2
00:35:34.995 --> 00:35:39.760
result of the effects of the story to
come to some new realisation at the end?

c2d4ab11-6992-426d-9799-7b3790e21334-0
00:35:40.280 --> 00:35:41.320
And we don't really have that.

e289c60b-ca3a-413f-b7b4-5a662e29e584-0
00:35:41.320 --> 00:35:45.546
We kind of have this ebb and flow,
a little bit of how she feels about

e289c60b-ca3a-413f-b7b4-5a662e29e584-1
00:35:45.546 --> 00:35:50.428
ageing without this real cause and effect
that gives us a changed position at the

e289c60b-ca3a-413f-b7b4-5a662e29e584-2
00:35:50.428 --> 00:35:51.440
end of the story.

475ed91d-fe52-428c-b9b0-c91e7e6e7538-0
00:35:51.720 --> 00:35:53.320
And look, it's it's all kind of there.

de246c83-9cb0-4e8c-9535-544cc0adc63a-0
00:35:53.320 --> 00:35:56.440
But I guess what I'm saying is if we were
more clear on that,

de246c83-9cb0-4e8c-9535-544cc0adc63a-1
00:35:56.440 --> 00:35:59.360
then I think this metaphor would hit a
little bit harder.

5b6081a5-0ad2-4e7a-98f6-11f5789836fc-0
00:35:59.640 --> 00:35:59.760
Yeah.

f739f3c4-0b39-4c53-a040-eef0836bbe66-0
00:36:00.120 --> 00:36:05.440
So now the in the next little sequence,
the Gator metaphor here is being expanded.

5e4f5595-2c30-4322-96a5-7e92d1ee56a3-0
00:36:05.440 --> 00:36:08.280
We have Gators dragging fat bellies
across the blacktop.

db5f7912-4132-4398-9a05-93e53710b28a-0
00:36:08.680 --> 00:36:11.280
So now we've got multiple Gators.

6fa3b7a2-3b7e-448a-a8e7-a1a916f22692-0
00:36:11.280 --> 00:36:15.648
And presumably this is all of the people
at the reunion have their own Gator,

6fa3b7a2-3b7e-448a-a8e7-a1a916f22692-1
00:36:15.648 --> 00:36:17.720
I think is what's being pressed here.

b2bbd216-13b3-4634-8764-ff816c7896d6-0
00:36:17.840 --> 00:36:23.502
And the story takes a bit of a turn here
where Ambers Gator bites her armour

b2bbd216-13b3-4634-8764-ff816c7896d6-1
00:36:23.502 --> 00:36:25.120
basically very sudden.

85cb4ce4-1537-4897-9bfb-ae0773a0fdd8-0
00:36:25.200 --> 00:36:28.152
And J,
you did say in your message that there

85cb4ce4-1537-4897-9bfb-ae0773a0fdd8-1
00:36:28.152 --> 00:36:30.720
was like a yin Yang piece to this story.

e8fedbd6-2ebf-4a08-9c52-f8b2d6f1f564-0
00:36:30.720 --> 00:36:36.640
So what we perceived as a sudden tone
shift was the Yang energy coming through.

eac6a733-5a57-4f0a-a304-4d32976234ca-0
00:36:36.680 --> 00:36:37.800
Intentional, right?

275c4df8-8be6-409a-8448-0ae112fc1625-0
00:36:37.800 --> 00:36:38.680
Intentional choice.

a0f9926e-e4e5-4c7f-95af-9a9ce2f80a1d-0
00:36:38.680 --> 00:36:39.120
Yeah, Yeah.

25e8c6ed-c7c0-40ce-8ec8-9c17eac806eb-0
00:36:39.120 --> 00:36:40.040
And look, I love that.

f1f21329-ec97-4bd6-b684-765db1617873-0
00:36:40.040 --> 00:36:44.253
I love when you take the prompts and
really lean into them and are inspired by

f1f21329-ec97-4bd6-b684-765db1617873-1
00:36:44.253 --> 00:36:44.520
them.

26b301e6-d42c-4487-a8d0-c8f489067daf-0
00:36:44.520 --> 00:36:45.400
That's the whole point.

9fe48bc0-8e35-43f1-98f4-6502ce5c83e9-0
00:36:45.880 --> 00:36:48.269
And I guess the question then becomes
about like,

9fe48bc0-8e35-43f1-98f4-6502ce5c83e9-1
00:36:48.269 --> 00:36:51.280
is that serving the story or is the story
serving the prompts?

8a73d52b-e1c5-439d-bc86-efc2ff9040db-0
00:36:51.280 --> 00:36:54.255
And of course,
we always want the story to be the hero

8a73d52b-e1c5-439d-bc86-efc2ff9040db-1
00:36:54.255 --> 00:36:57.880
and not to necessarily lean on the
prompts at the expense of that.

4509ddc8-7595-4eec-b1ef-3b30469a577c-0
00:36:58.240 --> 00:37:01.512
And look, in this case,
I guess we both felt that that jarring

4509ddc8-7595-4eec-b1ef-3b30469a577c-1
00:37:01.512 --> 00:37:02.240
shift in tone.

19300ea6-91eb-466d-9401-96d78bbca4cc-0
00:37:02.480 --> 00:37:03.320
I don't know, like it.

ab017c15-aef2-489c-8f23-7fa62aeeb0aa-0
00:37:03.320 --> 00:37:07.213
It could work potentially,
but just with the word count maybe didn't

ab017c15-aef2-489c-8f23-7fa62aeeb0aa-1
00:37:07.213 --> 00:37:11.672
have quite enough space to have both that
real slow creeping feeling of ageing

ab017c15-aef2-489c-8f23-7fa62aeeb0aa-2
00:37:11.672 --> 00:37:13.760
versus that the more Yang side of it.

a58711e4-a92c-4f7d-b901-27ae4f0bd460-0
00:37:13.960 --> 00:37:16.427
And so, I mean,
that's really a question for you to

a58711e4-a92c-4f7d-b901-27ae4f0bd460-1
00:37:16.427 --> 00:37:16.760
decide.

53976db9-a8a3-4355-8060-47f15cb96605-0
00:37:16.760 --> 00:37:20.783
If you go back and revise this story and
think about the theme and the thesis a

53976db9-a8a3-4355-8060-47f15cb96605-1
00:37:20.783 --> 00:37:23.800
little bit more and exactly what you want
to say with that,

53976db9-a8a3-4355-8060-47f15cb96605-2
00:37:23.800 --> 00:37:27.874
I think then you'll probably have your
answer as to that moment and whether that

53976db9-a8a3-4355-8060-47f15cb96605-3
00:37:27.874 --> 00:37:30.640
still works for you and what you want to
do with that.

c1f06f3a-5f9b-4dc5-ae0e-f96bb94841c6-0
00:37:30.720 --> 00:37:31.160
Yeah.

ea992064-6590-464e-a47f-d5f157991fc0-0
00:37:31.640 --> 00:37:36.360
And look, I've said on the podcast before,
I, I love a bit of absurdity.

b47cf1fd-91e0-49d0-aa52-4a00713d970a-0
00:37:36.440 --> 00:37:38.000
I love escalation.

afeaaa78-0728-4e3e-a910-0752c632eda8-0
00:37:38.000 --> 00:37:41.597
And I, I feel that that's important,
especially when you've got a story that

afeaaa78-0728-4e3e-a910-0752c632eda8-1
00:37:41.597 --> 00:37:43.280
has a little bit of absurdity to it.

1e9c1928-c06d-4381-8202-f6c32e4fd0b7-0
00:37:43.280 --> 00:37:46.997
Like it's kind of whimsical where you're
talking about alligators and ageing and

1e9c1928-c06d-4381-8202-f6c32e4fd0b7-1
00:37:46.997 --> 00:37:49.200
we're not sure what's real and what what
isn't.

9729c50e-5e00-4d51-a1e2-148ef5d0dc74-0
00:37:49.840 --> 00:37:54.502
I do really appreciate the escalation,
but it feels like it does come quite

9729c50e-5e00-4d51-a1e2-148ef5d0dc74-1
00:37:54.502 --> 00:37:59.226
abruptly without maybe the setup it
requires because the emotional energy of

9729c50e-5e00-4d51-a1e2-148ef5d0dc74-2
00:37:59.226 --> 00:38:01.680
this peace, it's quiet, it's oppressive.

ddecc039-65bd-455b-93a1-6fe4182cab96-0
00:38:01.680 --> 00:38:04.497
Like there's hate,
there's the inevitability of death,

ddecc039-65bd-455b-93a1-6fe4182cab96-1
00:38:04.497 --> 00:38:06.240
like this slow onslaught of death.

563af16a-5a4a-44e5-8925-3dd4def67e6c-0
00:38:06.240 --> 00:38:09.315
And we've got Gators who move very slowly
and, like,

563af16a-5a4a-44e5-8925-3dd4def67e6c-1
00:38:09.315 --> 00:38:13.320
laugh in funny ways and remind you that
you're going to die one day.

1b2fd1af-6c71-48a1-a683-c253b390c05f-0
00:38:13.880 --> 00:38:18.000
And that flips so quickly into something
that's, like, urgent and bloody.

f1f371ca-c9ba-4aa7-8375-e6f14cf9bfb6-0
00:38:18.000 --> 00:38:19.880
And there's blood spilling any everywhere.

1eb99440-4f64-45f5-b594-c64785608ed5-0
00:38:20.120 --> 00:38:22.600
And I'm not sure what that part of the
metaphor means.

a9c4a9db-9534-4f81-a819-39b9726cb6c0-0
00:38:22.600 --> 00:38:22.880
Yeah.

df75facf-e6a7-425e-b303-dc110fa3e21b-0
00:38:22.880 --> 00:38:25.468
You know,
we're no longer the inevitable March

df75facf-e6a7-425e-b303-dc110fa3e21b-1
00:38:25.468 --> 00:38:26.240
towards death.

07696d7d-aabb-463a-be3d-1d4665addddd-0
00:38:26.240 --> 00:38:28.320
We're bleeding out right here, right now.

ac874374-46c6-4073-940a-09a6e8089a62-0
00:38:28.880 --> 00:38:30.600
And I guess I wasn't sure what that meant.

70d0b871-2531-4a4a-a94e-07902b8f60d8-0
00:38:30.600 --> 00:38:30.800
Yeah.

df997d75-27db-4991-ad4a-4b9909117083-0
00:38:30.800 --> 00:38:34.546
From a metaphorical point of view as well
as just the shift in tone that comes with

df997d75-27db-4991-ad4a-4b9909117083-1
00:38:34.546 --> 00:38:34.680
it.

87df2a30-4e6f-4f15-9751-a68f5738c681-0
00:38:34.800 --> 00:38:35.280
Yeah.

70bb7030-008c-4b4e-a3a2-51410940651a-0
00:38:35.360 --> 00:38:39.507
And look, in that moment when I read that,
I was like,

70bb7030-008c-4b4e-a3a2-51410940651a-1
00:38:39.507 --> 00:38:41.920
is this really happening or not?

f252bcd2-3c5e-4877-be49-fdb7b51f8d6d-0
00:38:42.640 --> 00:38:45.736
And I think that's a challenge because
we've said before, like,

f252bcd2-3c5e-4877-be49-fdb7b51f8d6d-1
00:38:45.736 --> 00:38:48.010
it's great to let your readers have
questions,

f252bcd2-3c5e-4877-be49-fdb7b51f8d6d-2
00:38:48.010 --> 00:38:50.720
but they should never be questioning what
is happening.

741a7b2c-25a9-493b-af0d-63905d0a0c85-0
00:38:51.120 --> 00:38:53.240
And I think we start to question what is
happening here.

f968d51a-6812-420e-9a42-41e69c3776bc-0
00:38:53.240 --> 00:38:55.840
We're like,
is an alligator really biting someone's

f968d51a-6812-420e-9a42-41e69c3776bc-1
00:38:55.840 --> 00:38:56.240
arm off?

cd4f8fe5-b950-4171-b2b9-8168a2445273-0
00:38:56.240 --> 00:38:57.600
Or is she imagining that?

49fb2bb4-10cc-4579-9de6-f43550ecc6ea-0
00:38:57.600 --> 00:39:00.341
Because, you know,
that's the kind of thing you might see in

49fb2bb4-10cc-4579-9de6-f43550ecc6ea-1
00:39:00.341 --> 00:39:01.240
a movie or whatever.

e5878c4d-f386-4740-93ba-2f48251c42a0-0
00:39:01.240 --> 00:39:04.359
Someone confronts their high school bully
and then they just start picturing them,

e5878c4d-f386-4740-93ba-2f48251c42a0-1
00:39:04.359 --> 00:39:05.600
like getting torn them from them.

801ae3fc-5944-43b0-9e7e-42dd9f10f58a-0
00:39:05.840 --> 00:39:07.938
I mean, there's a scene in Mean Girls,
right,

801ae3fc-5944-43b0-9e7e-42dd9f10f58a-1
00:39:07.938 --> 00:39:11.178
where all the African animals come and
start like causing chaos in the

801ae3fc-5944-43b0-9e7e-42dd9f10f58a-2
00:39:11.178 --> 00:39:11.680
playground.

4445bb71-4bb5-42e6-9b54-749c9eb6062b-0
00:39:11.680 --> 00:39:14.160
Like for me, it's like,
is that what's happening?

c9773b80-1baa-4b63-82a7-f27217dc3209-0
00:39:14.160 --> 00:39:17.660
We've just sort of shifted into a dream
state kind of thing and we're

c9773b80-1baa-4b63-82a7-f27217dc3209-1
00:39:17.660 --> 00:39:18.360
hallucinating.

d7c923d1-1fec-4314-8464-c03a6f35b41f-0
00:39:18.360 --> 00:39:19.520
Or is it really happening?

0ef4aee9-5b98-4ebd-a4f0-ab605f6e12c5-0
00:39:19.520 --> 00:39:20.920
If it is, what does it mean?

5aaf92b1-8002-41f6-91b8-020862f2271f-0
00:39:20.960 --> 00:39:23.120
And I think that's too many questions.

bbfd918b-b929-4a85-b09e-379bcea59e91-0
00:39:23.120 --> 00:39:26.080
I think, as you say,
a bit more set up would have helped.

8ef27086-1ed8-4512-958d-3d600e9ae6db-0
00:39:26.120 --> 00:39:29.240
I am also all for the gate of biting the
arm off.

9850a1b7-44a8-477f-8561-b39767e1f496-0
00:39:29.240 --> 00:39:30.320
This is fiction.

489028e0-dd07-46e8-8932-492753064673-0
00:39:30.400 --> 00:39:33.480
We can go there and I think you should go
there.

86ca82f2-cd19-4c7b-8eef-630cb286e61c-0
00:39:33.480 --> 00:39:35.240
But it's just about being very clear.

4cf24ebb-c75f-4500-983b-993af7bf2d20-0
00:39:35.240 --> 00:39:38.734
And this is what I was trying to get at
before as well,

4cf24ebb-c75f-4500-983b-993af7bf2d20-1
00:39:38.734 --> 00:39:43.727
being very clear on your thesis and then
having all the threads weave into that

4cf24ebb-c75f-4500-983b-993af7bf2d20-2
00:39:43.727 --> 00:39:48.657
one idea so that everything is giving us
more information about the same thing

4cf24ebb-c75f-4500-983b-993af7bf2d20-3
00:39:48.657 --> 00:39:53.711
instead of just kind of these separate
threads that are all related but not sort

4cf24ebb-c75f-4500-983b-993af7bf2d20-4
00:39:53.711 --> 00:39:54.960
of working together.

e328d009-aa42-44e9-8a10-44cc000e8dea-0
00:39:55.360 --> 00:39:57.320
And I think that's what we need here.

7e78a4b4-24e8-42b3-8029-72ba365f0d78-0
00:39:57.320 --> 00:40:00.242
Like,
what does it mean when Amber gets her

7e78a4b4-24e8-42b3-8029-72ba365f0d78-1
00:40:00.242 --> 00:40:01.040
snapped off?

fed369c9-81e6-4ff8-b24a-9af7a4efc1ca-0
00:40:01.040 --> 00:40:04.880
And how does that impact now what Mel
feels about ageing?

5469a6ff-59ef-4104-be3f-5eab848e057b-0
00:40:04.880 --> 00:40:05.960
How does that change her?

b0e6b9a5-4199-46de-afab-fed2ce0c8227-0
00:40:05.960 --> 00:40:07.920
Does something change or or not?

8dea3800-740b-4c81-9eb5-9070e512e28f-0
00:40:08.440 --> 00:40:10.760
And that's where we have just this sort
of sequence of events.

2e514b94-661e-4a13-9663-7b8e374e09b7-0
00:40:10.760 --> 00:40:13.600
The alligator just sort of does that
apropos of nothing.

1f4e2529-794f-4940-8550-49c7270d1591-0
00:40:13.760 --> 00:40:18.659
And then we're kind of panicking and then
it's kind of over and we don't have this

1f4e2529-794f-4940-8550-49c7270d1591-1
00:40:18.659 --> 00:40:23.085
opportunity to see how that causes a
change or or creates an impact in the

1f4e2529-794f-4940-8550-49c7270d1591-2
00:40:23.085 --> 00:40:23.440
story.

fa3a80e3-d8e6-435b-b001-5d2ef7448bae-0
00:40:23.880 --> 00:40:27.867
And I think there's a way that it does
make sense from a metaphorical point of

fa3a80e3-d8e6-435b-b001-5d2ef7448bae-1
00:40:27.867 --> 00:40:28.120
view.

904b403c-a194-498a-b9f4-78f987e2fd88-0
00:40:28.120 --> 00:40:31.083
Like you,
if we take the alligator to mean ageing

904b403c-a194-498a-b9f4-78f987e2fd88-1
00:40:31.083 --> 00:40:35.824
and if there is something physical about
her body that becomes revealed in that

904b403c-a194-498a-b9f4-78f987e2fd88-2
00:40:35.824 --> 00:40:37.840
moment that the alligator is like.

62358d04-4ab4-425c-9786-66b60ff4be4f-0
00:40:37.840 --> 00:40:41.187
So if she,
like her dress slips and reveals like a,

62358d04-4ab4-425c-9786-66b60ff4be4f-1
00:40:41.187 --> 00:40:43.440
you know, wrinkle or, I don't know.

ba50f9e9-d0d6-4fbe-ab13-35e898bf4bd4-0
00:40:43.440 --> 00:40:46.480
But women, yeah, that like,
what do women obsess about?

b91df0fb-b573-4975-a8eb-fc79190ab6ad-0
00:40:46.920 --> 00:40:50.402
And then Mel sees that and in that moment
the alligator like,

b91df0fb-b573-4975-a8eb-fc79190ab6ad-1
00:40:50.402 --> 00:40:54.670
chops her arm off and we understand why
and what it means a little bit more

b91df0fb-b573-4975-a8eb-fc79190ab6ad-2
00:40:54.670 --> 00:40:55.120
clearly.

215840af-96f7-451a-be2f-0e8e54eea4c5-0
00:40:55.120 --> 00:40:56.400
I think that could go a long way.

42afd902-1865-4040-8648-94de37fa9284-0
00:40:57.000 --> 00:40:59.880
The word that just popped into my head is
for dubitus, right?

4c5d37ef-0b95-4f19-9d18-33871bbce77f-0
00:41:00.120 --> 00:41:00.840
You know, for dubitus.

6f4a0260-5303-46e9-9838-a9cfdf750df7-0
00:41:00.840 --> 00:41:01.240
No, I don't.

955a1958-0fa6-4556-9b51-4220a5550a96-0
00:41:02.560 --> 00:41:03.680
That's a Katherine Kim thing.

c563d6ba-4212-47d1-bec2-55f32245e909-0
00:41:03.680 --> 00:41:06.440
That's the the upper arm anyway.

93cf9009-6468-467e-a2e5-5443637187c0-0
00:41:07.160 --> 00:41:07.960
That's such a great word.

1cce942b-25d4-4ed1-9882-d360100a4a9c-0
00:41:08.280 --> 00:41:09.080
Yeah, you're right.

bcd038dd-76d2-49b9-af22-48ce5a3140a5-0
00:41:09.080 --> 00:41:11.000
And so we don't know what's going on
there.

e14a47e1-04d3-46af-8b4d-41b978e42d59-0
00:41:11.000 --> 00:41:13.640
And so therefore,
and it's expressed as literal, right?

52a88901-b00f-4a58-a377-e10e9d4d0e93-0
00:41:13.640 --> 00:41:17.899
We never sort of get that moment where
it's revealed to be kind of dream or,

52a88901-b00f-4a58-a377-e10e9d4d0e93-1
00:41:17.899 --> 00:41:18.840
or hallucination.

711def2e-4a09-4032-85d3-b8bca5147345-0
00:41:18.840 --> 00:41:20.480
It's very much expressed literal.

a0fd6f89-caef-412c-85a9-717c1f00b956-0
00:41:20.480 --> 00:41:24.400
And then we kind of just shift back again
to like, oh, you look great.

04f71105-65be-423b-9df9-c93139af6d63-0
00:41:24.440 --> 00:41:27.838
Like,
and we need more signposting for that to

04f71105-65be-423b-9df9-c93139af6d63-1
00:41:27.838 --> 00:41:28.200
work.

2f440c72-b11f-411d-a5f0-622ad5bc9d9b-0
00:41:28.200 --> 00:41:29.400
I actually don't mind that.

f3305fc2-42c8-4a13-9697-5972cf6bfd79-0
00:41:29.400 --> 00:41:31.861
We don't know in theory whether it's
literal or not,

f3305fc2-42c8-4a13-9697-5972cf6bfd79-1
00:41:31.861 --> 00:41:33.440
but it has to be both then, right?

9bbea22e-f095-4d5f-97a9-2d8e25df6fca-0
00:41:33.440 --> 00:41:36.760
It has to be both the metaphor and the
literal interpretation.

0a752365-6bc1-4236-9425-d338fe2b5dc6-0
00:41:36.760 --> 00:41:38.080
And they both, both have to make sense.

aeb4b3fa-e02d-438b-be37-11aa7c571fc0-0
00:41:38.240 --> 00:41:38.440
Yeah.

41cfd389-aeb7-44b5-957c-6fa4500add5d-0
00:41:38.440 --> 00:41:41.195
And if we're unsure whether it's one or
the other or both,

41cfd389-aeb7-44b5-957c-6fa4500add5d-1
00:41:41.195 --> 00:41:44.418
we can kind of suspend our disbelief for
a moment and say, OK, well,

41cfd389-aeb7-44b5-957c-6fa4500add5d-2
00:41:44.418 --> 00:41:46.520
it's probably both,
and it works either way.

3e42db39-d0c3-4b1a-85b3-f7ddd0f59aa4-0
00:41:46.520 --> 00:41:48.600
And now I've got something to think about.

91663f40-2029-4213-99d6-e6b10c54fe3d-0
00:41:49.040 --> 00:41:51.395
But because it doesn't quite work in both
ways,

91663f40-2029-4213-99d6-e6b10c54fe3d-1
00:41:51.395 --> 00:41:55.320
we're just kind of caught in the middle
and we're not sure what to think there.

a006d477-5658-432a-ad35-7f3eb9580292-0
00:41:55.360 --> 00:41:55.640
Yeah.

31616105-b5de-4af0-b8f5-ce6227cea213-0
00:41:55.640 --> 00:41:58.181
And look,
I think you were right before as well to

31616105-b5de-4af0-b8f5-ce6227cea213-1
00:41:58.181 --> 00:41:58.680
highlight.

db955560-0749-4dfe-a194-7d7ff5c80668-0
00:41:58.680 --> 00:42:01.210
And again,
if we go back to PO and the single effect,

db955560-0749-4dfe-a194-7d7ff5c80668-1
00:42:01.210 --> 00:42:03.320
you know,
it is a very sudden shift in tone.

4243428f-e0ff-4e6c-82fd-edcf9fba54e7-0
00:42:03.320 --> 00:42:05.040
We are right near the end of the story.

757ed7b7-5a91-4ac9-943b-a3afc129db9d-0
00:42:05.240 --> 00:42:09.933
The risk there is that you've got a lot
of work to do then to kind of set this

757ed7b7-5a91-4ac9-943b-a3afc129db9d-1
00:42:09.933 --> 00:42:11.360
shift up and pay it off.

96f69ba8-db76-430e-a90e-d2a370ae33b7-0
00:42:11.920 --> 00:42:17.011
And it may be appropriate to just stick
with that slow moving kind of threatening

96f69ba8-db76-430e-a90e-d2a370ae33b7-1
00:42:17.011 --> 00:42:21.916
vibe that the alligators have and not
necessarily tip over into the biting off

96f69ba8-db76-430e-a90e-d2a370ae33b7-2
00:42:21.916 --> 00:42:22.600
of the arm.

f677e9b0-4d66-4e35-9a48-e406cb83298c-0
00:42:22.800 --> 00:42:25.125
It's an option to consider because like I
said,

f677e9b0-4d66-4e35-9a48-e406cb83298c-1
00:42:25.125 --> 00:42:29.002
you just sort of don't have the words to
kind of wrap it all back up again once

f677e9b0-4d66-4e35-9a48-e406cb83298c-2
00:42:29.002 --> 00:42:31.280
you've opened that can of worms kind of
thing.

7858e5f8-0584-4174-8006-d1986e322b62-0
00:42:31.560 --> 00:42:34.440
But you know,
I do love it and it did make it a

7858e5f8-0584-4174-8006-d1986e322b62-1
00:42:34.440 --> 00:42:36.360
memorable kind of story as well.

6c2f6fcc-4b90-48e6-b079-34c9704ce228-0
00:42:36.360 --> 00:42:38.760
So I guess this is all about finessing.

378a1d18-5514-4ffd-9f13-40cc51aba87e-0
00:42:38.760 --> 00:42:43.210
And I think once you have a more clear
picture of exactly what you're saying

378a1d18-5514-4ffd-9f13-40cc51aba87e-1
00:42:43.210 --> 00:42:45.868
here,
then you will be able to structure that

378a1d18-5514-4ffd-9f13-40cc51aba87e-2
00:42:45.868 --> 00:42:49.567
for more of a payoff for more meaning in
that moment, You know,

378a1d18-5514-4ffd-9f13-40cc51aba87e-3
00:42:49.567 --> 00:42:54.133
And then we move on and where we've got
Mel's Gator and we're back to the slow

378a1d18-5514-4ffd-9f13-40cc51aba87e-4
00:42:54.133 --> 00:42:54.480
again.

e37d10fc-b431-4f4e-b10c-e501b1b2ad80-0
00:42:54.480 --> 00:42:58.120
And it's ambling up and ambers bleeding.

95171d3a-1161-4a3f-999a-32209b7941b4-0
00:42:58.120 --> 00:42:58.240
And.

f163fce5-6dd8-4f73-af7c-11bbab814acb-0
00:42:58.240 --> 00:43:01.680
But she has the wherewithal to say you
look exactly the same.

e71a1d4f-d29c-4405-b272-105a04c978de-0
00:43:02.480 --> 00:43:03.880
And then Mel looks at her Gator.

3e6455a2-9a46-4eb7-a881-77ac8bc59ddb-0
00:43:03.880 --> 00:43:05.280
And I do love this moment where the.

1f6f5b0d-9736-4aea-b591-6c0929c11f81-0
00:43:06.560 --> 00:43:09.480
Yeah, like, you know,
it's Mel this time doing that.

e8ff9350-6fe7-4bb7-840f-cfa304b6b61a-0
00:43:09.480 --> 00:43:11.120
She's like embodied the alligator.

44e11340-878e-40d6-a381-bb75749497f0-0
00:43:11.120 --> 00:43:12.000
That is cool.

641d5a34-e14e-4c33-93fd-8205eab1c282-0
00:43:12.000 --> 00:43:12.840
That's a cool moment.

4ca138d7-0322-4921-907f-a78dc56be1fd-0
00:43:13.240 --> 00:43:16.197
But again,
I don't really get what she's feeling in

4ca138d7-0322-4921-907f-a78dc56be1fd-1
00:43:16.197 --> 00:43:16.880
that moment.

13e6c2a0-29ad-485f-afb5-824165d26bbf-0
00:43:16.880 --> 00:43:19.967
Yeah,
how she feels about ageing in that moment,

13e6c2a0-29ad-485f-afb5-824165d26bbf-1
00:43:19.967 --> 00:43:24.000
why that's changed as a result of what's
happened in the story.

74aa06f9-e009-418b-bd17-1fb78b4194f8-0
00:43:24.400 --> 00:43:27.720
We just kind of have the moment without
the purpose of it.

3272f2e8-4892-4bbd-a5ba-22010adaa656-0
00:43:28.040 --> 00:43:33.569
And JJ has explained again in the brief
explanation that that is the moment where

3272f2e8-4892-4bbd-a5ba-22010adaa656-1
00:43:33.569 --> 00:43:35.120
Mel accepts her ageing.

2fd3d5b6-f49f-475b-8319-fc847afdc1ba-0
00:43:35.320 --> 00:43:37.337
And of course,
that works in the sense that she's

2fd3d5b6-f49f-475b-8319-fc847afdc1ba-1
00:43:37.337 --> 00:43:39.880
embodied this alligator,
and she's making the alligator sound.

b8fbd688-d9cb-4ef7-bb0b-2e9cd785b18e-0
00:43:40.440 --> 00:43:42.720
But we don't know, like,
why is she accepting it?

ebff1422-ff75-46b1-8cdc-2192a7892ab7-0
00:43:42.800 --> 00:43:44.280
Like, yeah, what caused that?

f74ce584-d3f5-4ad3-b18b-6a1f2442ca4d-0
00:43:44.280 --> 00:43:46.960
And now we don't care about Amber
bleeding out.

2fce5bb7-38cd-44c1-ae36-3c1ed7918c97-0
00:43:46.960 --> 00:43:48.624
And, like,
we're just kind of a little bit

2fce5bb7-38cd-44c1-ae36-3c1ed7918c97-1
00:43:48.624 --> 00:43:50.560
emotionally lost, I think,
while here at the end.

6b4918f8-8b94-4f10-8306-dc9c23305c37-0
00:43:50.640 --> 00:43:53.329
Look,
I know I've just been thinking about how

6b4918f8-8b94-4f10-8306-dc9c23305c37-1
00:43:53.329 --> 00:43:56.935
if I'm writing this,
draw these connections a bit more clearly

6b4918f8-8b94-4f10-8306-dc9c23305c37-2
00:43:56.935 --> 00:44:00.941
and, you know, rework the ending,
what I'm imagining, because we get,

6b4918f8-8b94-4f10-8306-dc9c23305c37-3
00:44:00.941 --> 00:44:05.118
like this general idea of ageing being an
issue, but we don't get, like,

6b4918f8-8b94-4f10-8306-dc9c23305c37-4
00:44:05.118 --> 00:44:05.920
the specifics.

99bc6646-e377-48b1-ad9b-59616fbefd06-0
00:44:05.920 --> 00:44:09.988
So I'm imagining a situation where,
forget about Bobby, you know,

99bc6646-e377-48b1-ad9b-59616fbefd06-1
00:44:09.988 --> 00:44:11.160
it's Mel and Amber.

264549a8-df37-49cb-b0cd-1e08cda4d0e7-0
00:44:11.240 --> 00:44:11.360
Yeah.

9d6d9e32-165c-42cf-969e-d4c3656e7270-0
00:44:11.360 --> 00:44:14.240
And they have, like, a,
a rivalry from high school.

1a275567-b720-4958-a00a-0a5b1596d216-0
00:44:14.240 --> 00:44:17.510
They were like out competing each other
in high school and now they haven't seen

1a275567-b720-4958-a00a-0a5b1596d216-1
00:44:17.510 --> 00:44:18.600
each other for a long time.

832f6da9-0c9e-4921-9e36-edd1bfe6725b-0
00:44:18.600 --> 00:44:21.586
Mel's in the car and she's stressing
about like,

832f6da9-0c9e-4921-9e36-edd1bfe6725b-1
00:44:21.586 --> 00:44:23.720
exactly what was the word you used?

54d35cca-4044-4e6a-8d07-5ac3e4236d29-0
00:44:24.240 --> 00:44:24.760
Phedubitus.

e692ecfd-b12c-4afd-8588-5d16718f42bc-0
00:44:25.320 --> 00:44:25.800
Phedubitus.

044a8f01-2db3-4739-a76f-d156bda4a2ac-0
00:44:25.800 --> 00:44:27.520
She's like, Oh my God, my phedubitus.

4c24cc98-6782-4ee7-861e-bac4ed811a36-0
00:44:27.520 --> 00:44:28.840
She's like covering it up.

35e358d7-66fa-4678-832a-e686e7b05c5c-0
00:44:29.320 --> 00:44:34.200
Meanwhile the alligator is like at the
car door, like clawing to get in.

74fa7c44-5c40-4792-aba1-22cabdcfb8f4-0
00:44:34.200 --> 00:44:37.018
And you know,
like we get these specific things that

74fa7c44-5c40-4792-aba1-22cabdcfb8f4-1
00:44:37.018 --> 00:44:38.720
she's covering up about herself.

df9a1868-c910-4bfb-be70-5e97bced39bc-0
00:44:38.720 --> 00:44:42.779
We understand what her specific anxiety
is and not just like the generalised I'm

df9a1868-c910-4bfb-be70-5e97bced39bc-1
00:44:42.779 --> 00:44:45.636
getting older,
like specifically this and that tied into

df9a1868-c910-4bfb-be70-5e97bced39bc-2
00:44:45.636 --> 00:44:47.040
her relationship with Amber.

beda8634-9325-417f-a836-14c062c9cb58-0
00:44:47.320 --> 00:44:51.315
And then if we are at the reunion and we
see Amber accidentally reveal a clear

beda8634-9325-417f-a836-14c062c9cb58-1
00:44:51.315 --> 00:44:53.844
sign of ageing,
something she was trying to hide,

beda8634-9325-417f-a836-14c062c9cb58-2
00:44:53.844 --> 00:44:56.120
something she was very self conscious
about.

c2732b6b-aba3-47ca-993f-3af1627e4c62-0
00:44:56.400 --> 00:45:00.520
And then we see Amber's alligator just
like devour her.

1947cea7-b073-41d9-b66d-dc23d5ad5039-0
00:45:01.120 --> 00:45:05.680
And it's not a moment at the end of like
Mel accepting herself getting older.

506e1b21-3b59-4b75-800a-591bbabe5bab-0
00:45:05.680 --> 00:45:08.055
It's it's Mel winning and then looking at
her,

506e1b21-3b59-4b75-800a-591bbabe5bab-1
00:45:08.055 --> 00:45:10.582
at her alligator and smiling and being
like, yes,

506e1b21-3b59-4b75-800a-591bbabe5bab-2
00:45:10.582 --> 00:45:13.160
everybody wants to win at the high school
reunion.

a562dcc2-7012-443f-920c-811b80603b5d-0
00:45:13.160 --> 00:45:14.672
Yeah,
that's the point in the high school

a562dcc2-7012-443f-920c-811b80603b5d-1
00:45:14.672 --> 00:45:15.320
reunion, isn't it?

14c79f91-72d3-4925-9441-5384a4acf135-0
00:45:16.120 --> 00:45:18.120
To just go back and win, Yeah,
this is the thing.

11f8de97-3cee-49e9-b20e-316b4f7fcc3c-0
00:45:18.120 --> 00:45:20.905
Like we've got this kind of esoteric
ageing thing,

11f8de97-3cee-49e9-b20e-316b4f7fcc3c-1
00:45:20.905 --> 00:45:24.400
but we don't have a clear picture of
Mel's actual journey here.

f0c8d170-ac26-437a-9002-7fab0b489d28-0
00:45:24.400 --> 00:45:26.520
Like,
what is it that she's trying to avoid?

4714bf13-983a-4b9f-80e0-43cb566d2de1-0
00:45:26.520 --> 00:45:30.823
What is it that she confronts here apart
from just this sort of vague ageing idea

4714bf13-983a-4b9f-80e0-43cb566d2de1-1
00:45:30.823 --> 00:45:33.920
that you get when you go back to your
high school reunion?

b1251d9a-9ab1-40ee-b42c-a60653b9f3f6-0
00:45:33.920 --> 00:45:35.920
So yeah, I think you raise a good point.

2a44e7c7-11a2-495e-a24b-0124ef4c6b44-0
00:45:35.920 --> 00:45:40.028
If we can be clear on what her the plot
is in terms of what she really doesn't

2a44e7c7-11a2-495e-a24b-0124ef4c6b44-1
00:45:40.028 --> 00:45:42.368
want to happen,
what the stakes are for her,

2a44e7c7-11a2-495e-a24b-0124ef4c6b44-2
00:45:42.368 --> 00:45:44.240
like the classic story stuff, right?

37491345-54b8-4a23-bd5c-6b2fe3c45ee9-0
00:45:44.240 --> 00:45:44.960
What are the stakes?

213e4d03-6fd6-4e3d-a28a-4f619ce6eef6-0
00:45:44.960 --> 00:45:45.800
What's the goal?

4b37cbd6-fdf7-4d8c-aee9-5ed52e7ea9f1-0
00:45:46.160 --> 00:45:48.120
And then we watch her struggle against
that.

f491849b-a609-4eb8-9b62-108879522a95-0
00:45:48.320 --> 00:45:51.040
And it's the alligator that's the
antagonist, I guess.

3c5190e1-db0c-4ba6-9610-33cbcee3eeab-0
00:45:51.280 --> 00:45:54.425
Struggle against the alligator as we go
through,

3c5190e1-db0c-4ba6-9610-33cbcee3eeab-1
00:45:54.425 --> 00:45:59.498
have that climactic moment with Amber,
have that cause a change somehow now in

3c5190e1-db0c-4ba6-9610-33cbcee3eeab-2
00:45:59.498 --> 00:46:01.360
Mel and in her state of mind.

af7678c2-4d0c-4f54-bf1a-dc19fc409510-0
00:46:01.800 --> 00:46:03.760
And then look, I love ending that.

e68f164c-afc8-4dc1-8572-fdb66f619383-0
00:46:03.760 --> 00:46:06.560
She's embodied the alligator and she's
making that sound.

c95e6010-3f7b-4240-94ce-76df0ec36758-0
00:46:06.560 --> 00:46:07.600
I do love that sound.

c9c7a3ad-2a53-4e5b-9ca3-62af4cdf9db7-0
00:46:07.600 --> 00:46:10.545
I think that's an amazing ending and
should probably stay,

c9c7a3ad-2a53-4e5b-9ca3-62af4cdf9db7-1
00:46:10.545 --> 00:46:14.040
but it just becomes about, OK, well,
why is she now cool with ageing?

4e455c49-44f7-4b28-8c12-be55674e5ef6-0
00:46:14.040 --> 00:46:17.385
Like what was it that happened today that
made her just go, oh,

4e455c49-44f7-4b28-8c12-be55674e5ef6-1
00:46:17.385 --> 00:46:21.514
I don't care about my photos anymore or
whatever and now I'm fine and happy in

4e455c49-44f7-4b28-8c12-be55674e5ef6-2
00:46:21.514 --> 00:46:21.880
myself.

1a512c3b-d50c-419a-b8ef-9fd928367c34-0
00:46:21.880 --> 00:46:25.156
Or I mean that maybe that's a bit too
happily ever after for a story like this

1a512c3b-d50c-419a-b8ef-9fd928367c34-1
00:46:25.156 --> 00:46:27.520
and maybe we want to take it darker and
that's fine too.

f08229d4-b4d8-4141-ad43-a5ec07739267-0
00:46:27.520 --> 00:46:31.712
There are many options, but yeah,
I think weaving that classic story

f08229d4-b4d8-4141-ad43-a5ec07739267-1
00:46:31.712 --> 00:46:36.451
structure back in would give this sort of
more of a framework for all of that

f08229d4-b4d8-4141-ad43-a5ec07739267-2
00:46:36.451 --> 00:46:38.760
beautiful poetic stuff to really sing.

63486098-3ef6-44af-a14d-ae2929396278-0
00:46:38.880 --> 00:46:41.085
And look,
I think there's the strengths of this

63486098-3ef6-44af-a14d-ae2929396278-1
00:46:41.085 --> 00:46:43.520
story are many and we've acknowledged
what they are.

384d41d0-cc40-49f4-b5db-750b0ca54ea7-0
00:46:43.840 --> 00:46:44.920
The metaphor is great.

3cbccddd-415d-4f82-afa4-219e95f04b5a-0
00:46:45.360 --> 00:46:50.040
And also the whole theme here is so
universal, like every we're all ageing.

81ec1d1e-aa91-4942-a38a-261a795655a2-0
00:46:50.760 --> 00:46:53.520
Some of us, some of us are actually 43.

0536532d-7e33-4f8d-9951-567b919a9390-0
00:46:54.120 --> 00:46:58.240
Not me, you're much, I'm much, much more.

b4a2fe7d-10f0-4a2e-ada8-2790e819e91f-0
00:47:00.240 --> 00:47:02.794
But no,
it is like and that's making the

b4a2fe7d-10f0-4a2e-ada8-2790e819e91f-1
00:47:02.794 --> 00:47:07.280
universal personal is a wonderful way to
write effective flash fiction.

69cef9a9-af70-4065-9438-de4ef2ba84fa-0
00:47:07.280 --> 00:47:10.688
And those are the kinds of stories that
make the shortlist because everyone can

69cef9a9-af70-4065-9438-de4ef2ba84fa-1
00:47:10.688 --> 00:47:11.200
just relate.

4ee0546e-8e80-472b-867e-ecf8ebb9df8a-0
00:47:11.560 --> 00:47:17.438
So absolutely, like theme wise,
concept wise, character wise voice,

4ee0546e-8e80-472b-867e-ecf8ebb9df8a-1
00:47:17.438 --> 00:47:19.600
the beautiful prose here.

0a603815-b724-4f47-800d-93935b637a8e-0
00:47:19.640 --> 00:47:22.760
We talked about a couple of needles,
but the rest of it is great.

d456184e-cba6-42b8-8a82-bf26022f7bab-0
00:47:22.840 --> 00:47:24.720
We've got efficient prose.

5f2cdefc-4901-4913-9218-1f3741841c7e-0
00:47:24.760 --> 00:47:27.270
You know,
we're getting so much information very

5f2cdefc-4901-4913-9218-1f3741841c7e-1
00:47:27.270 --> 00:47:27.680
quickly.

211200ad-a4b9-4d39-a68c-99e89ee856ed-0
00:47:27.680 --> 00:47:30.000
And all of that is really,
really wonderful.

92244643-288d-44ba-afde-2609a3e9220f-0
00:47:30.320 --> 00:47:34.823
And so I guess we've focused on the Fatal
Floor here because that was what kept it

92244643-288d-44ba-afde-2609a3e9220f-1
00:47:34.823 --> 00:47:35.800
off the shortlist.

8bbad369-c467-46aa-aad7-be9eaecab92d-0
00:47:35.800 --> 00:47:39.483
But I really hope, JJ,
that you do revise this story and shop it

8bbad369-c467-46aa-aad7-be9eaecab92d-1
00:47:39.483 --> 00:47:43.960
around for publication because I think it
has some really wonderful potential.

50123b9e-cc4a-4d3e-9994-e6e9e054f81a-0
00:47:43.960 --> 00:47:46.880
And I think a lot of other people will
resonate with this as well.

988f4a0e-6f34-41a8-aeab-eba1d97c392f-0
00:47:47.400 --> 00:47:50.322
And, you know,
you do smash it out in a weekend,

988f4a0e-6f34-41a8-aeab-eba1d97c392f-1
00:47:50.322 --> 00:47:54.317
and it's nice to have time to just sit on
a story, think about it,

988f4a0e-6f34-41a8-aeab-eba1d97c392f-2
00:47:54.317 --> 00:47:56.941
come back with fresh eyes and really,
like,

988f4a0e-6f34-41a8-aeab-eba1d97c392f-3
00:47:56.941 --> 00:48:00.520
refine your messaging and make it sing as
much as possible.

69e8348d-9082-442f-b790-614522cbfafe-0
00:48:00.520 --> 00:48:01.480
So I hope you do that.

4bad2a77-c1b9-44fc-bdf8-328e267a53ec-0
00:48:01.720 --> 00:48:04.670
And thank you, JJ,
for sharing your story and putting

4bad2a77-c1b9-44fc-bdf8-328e267a53ec-1
00:48:04.670 --> 00:48:07.840
yourself out there as a daredevil for
everyone's benefit.

4ce1a49b-6f50-4f54-b272-01a84e89b8b3-0
00:48:07.920 --> 00:48:09.120
It's a learning experience.

8f4482f5-f477-44da-9fa9-56f2777b15c2-0
00:48:09.120 --> 00:48:12.840
We're all learning here and does take a
lot to put yourself out there.

3af6d783-d848-4d9f-a4ce-68f8ad44218f-0
00:48:12.840 --> 00:48:14.280
But you came very close.

edd1fc60-8f94-476f-b68e-9379efd103a2-0
00:48:14.280 --> 00:48:15.880
Yeah, I came as close as possible.

38f27929-1ce4-4838-a436-e2d76ac9d84a-0
00:48:15.880 --> 00:48:17.400
We weren't that nice just now.

d0563b17-d8bb-482b-8f13-85bdac563d19-0
00:48:17.400 --> 00:48:20.715
We did focus on on the negatives,
but really you got a flightly JJ because

d0563b17-d8bb-482b-8f13-85bdac563d19-1
00:48:20.715 --> 00:48:22.440
you wrote a wonderful piece of fiction.

5b620a72-d3cd-4611-bd25-ca6ff76c8592-0
00:48:22.440 --> 00:48:24.160
So I think well done on that.

f9a13476-d1f2-482f-8bd3-130513b830df-0
00:48:24.160 --> 00:48:26.319
And you know,
as a headline for everyone else,

f9a13476-d1f2-482f-8bd3-130513b830df-1
00:48:26.319 --> 00:48:30.040
because of course not everyone's writing
stories about Gators and ageing, right?

54062c1b-6b80-4a5a-acd2-947b641f8052-0
00:48:30.440 --> 00:48:33.280
But the headline is that clarity is very
important.

8fac5b5c-1f5f-4b93-9d3e-0e750505a322-0
00:48:33.520 --> 00:48:37.603
And in a piece of flash fiction,
you've got to sort of weigh up clarity

8fac5b5c-1f5f-4b93-9d3e-0e750505a322-1
00:48:37.603 --> 00:48:40.835
versus poetry or imagery and err on the
side of clarity,

8fac5b5c-1f5f-4b93-9d3e-0e750505a322-2
00:48:40.835 --> 00:48:42.480
I would say most of the time.

30e23e49-9a97-48ef-82ee-0cbb2f0b9abe-0
00:48:42.600 --> 00:48:46.560
And make sure that your message is kind
of, or your thesis is clear.

60c91293-954f-4c6f-a792-96d699e8ccc9-0
00:48:46.960 --> 00:48:51.690
And then let all that beautiful poetry
sort of sit alongside that rather than

60c91293-954f-4c6f-a792-96d699e8ccc9-1
00:48:51.690 --> 00:48:52.600
replacing that.

f0784c05-244e-4db9-9243-00da41c6061f-0
00:48:52.600 --> 00:48:54.928
And I think if you can have that in mind
then,

f0784c05-244e-4db9-9243-00da41c6061f-1
00:48:54.928 --> 00:48:59.040
especially as you're editing your story,
then you're going to have better results.

44776447-77da-4073-b155-0ec3a203e858-0
00:48:59.400 --> 00:48:59.960
Absolutely.

b2740b47-32ea-4c80-a7c0-b787b08db209-0
00:49:00.560 --> 00:49:01.800
Well, thank you so much.

86e04d32-22ef-4670-99ec-a119ec4ab0bb-0
00:49:01.800 --> 00:49:07.640
And we will be back in a week's time with
our second Daredevil for this round.

131a6f4a-6210-43ec-960f-b050867106a5-0
00:49:08.000 --> 00:49:10.680
Until then, right on, right on.

824da5c9-05bf-4334-aa56-c29c63f915b0-0
00:49:13.160 --> 00:49:16.520
We hope you enjoyed this special
Daredevil episode of Not Quite Right.

2d23d6f0-9523-4576-8b41-4650788ae1a5-0
00:49:16.840 --> 00:49:20.692
If you have thoughts on this story,
follow us on social media and join the

2d23d6f0-9523-4576-8b41-4650788ae1a5-1
00:49:20.692 --> 00:49:21.360
conversation.

0ffe9410-87b4-41f6-be79-85aaa2d0b8f4-0
00:49:21.680 --> 00:49:25.449
And if you'd like to participate in the
next round of the competition,

0ffe9410-87b4-41f6-be79-85aaa2d0b8f4-1
00:49:25.449 --> 00:49:27.680
head over to ourwebsite@notquiteright.com.

59564e6e-cc46-460f-9a7d-223b6989041e-0
00:49:28.000 --> 00:49:34.600
That's WRITE something doesn't seem quite
right.

be41b185-ea54-432e-ab37-d881651f3f66-0
00:49:39.480 --> 00:49:40.480
I mean, I can do it.

b39c88bf-12e8-49a0-ba67-21f9885fb681-0
00:49:40.480 --> 00:49:42.080
I just feel like it's going to sound
stupid.

82191e67-4de2-4d3f-aab1-6d00d8851201-0
00:49:42.280 --> 00:49:48.977
OK,
Agent ain't sudden Mel LAX sudden ****

82191e67-4de2-4d3f-aab1-6d00d8851201-1
00:49:48.977 --> 00:49:49.600
you.

8947f855-1dee-4ff6-ae02-9b7632da624b-0
00:49:49.640 --> 00:49:52.640
It's good.

f5244bb0-32dd-440a-91f0-8cbbaf80ae5d-0
00:49:53.320 --> 00:49:55.000
Sorry you're such a ******* hater.

5f9a639b-0594-47da-8594-7ef493e1966e-0
00:49:55.000 --> 00:49:55.360
Start again.

d9bc91c2-dfc0-4c47-ae94-e113badaba71-0
00:49:56.160 --> 00:49:57.480
We're supposed to be professional.

31cc15f2-8695-44bc-9b47-d5473b0d9574-0
00:49:58.440 --> 00:49:59.120
Why start now?