WEBVTT

6fd2c6b6-182e-4f50-998b-627a4b38bfe8-0
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Not Quite Right features discussions that
are unfiltered and uncensored,

6fd2c6b6-182e-4f50-998b-627a4b38bfe8-1
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and may include themes that are
inappropriate for younger listeners.

771b00eb-2692-4959-b027-899d5f7b6ff5-0
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Also,
I swear a lot something doesn't seem

771b00eb-2692-4959-b027-899d5f7b6ff5-1
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quite right.

85fe9c45-13dc-46d2-ad98-221329f7fd14-0
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Welcome to Not quite right.

689b0b85-d639-4b1c-a72e-a3f477ff2091-0
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My name's Ed and I'm Amanda,
and this is the fourth Daredevil for the

689b0b85-d639-4b1c-a72e-a3f477ff2091-1
00:00:30.901 --> 00:00:34.240
July 2026 Not Quite Right Prize for Flash
Fiction.

4bb9d854-6ca0-4fc6-83fa-0b61a8b7f7ab-0
00:00:34.680 --> 00:00:39.298
Daredevils of people have signed up to
have their story decimated on air on the

4bb9d854-6ca0-4fc6-83fa-0b61a8b7f7ab-1
00:00:39.298 --> 00:00:39.760
podcast.

f10395dc-9934-4e86-9959-31469791b320-0
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So we'll read the story,
talk about the story, break it down,

f10395dc-9934-4e86-9959-31469791b320-1
00:00:42.988 --> 00:00:46.700
share our thoughts and hopefully all
learn something in the process and then

f10395dc-9934-4e86-9959-31469791b320-2
00:00:46.700 --> 00:00:49.400
kill like one in 10 parts of it or
something like that.

14c0d9c1-a59a-4b6d-a262-1c46358c4f06-0
00:00:50.760 --> 00:00:50.880
Uh huh.

0a7cedcb-dfa9-4c28-9566-92417fb9a0a6-0
00:00:51.000 --> 00:00:55.880
And our little victim today is corrosion
patronising.

248ab7ee-4820-45a6-80ca-da1422ec7224-0
00:00:56.560 --> 00:00:59.122
It is, it is a bit patronising,
but you know,

248ab7ee-4820-45a6-80ca-da1422ec7224-1
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we're here to patronise our dead also,
amongst other things.

3d80426a-bd31-41f6-a399-cf42f084b959-0
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So that's part and parcel to this whole
thing.

784ea05c-4660-44aa-bf77-5c752ecec32b-0
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So our victim today is Karosh,
who is no stranger to the concept of a

784ea05c-4660-44aa-bf77-5c752ecec32b-1
00:01:11.930 --> 00:01:12.840
daredevil.

8dddedb2-d537-4d36-ab01-a9f519e69483-0
00:01:12.840 --> 00:01:17.533
And it's quite appropriate that it's our
4th daredevil for the round because it's

8dddedb2-d537-4d36-ab01-a9f519e69483-1
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also our 4th daredevil for Karosh.

f4f02f1d-2564-4aa1-885f-2882addb50c0-0
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So for Time Daredevil,
we've read Croatia stories leaking

f4f02f1d-2564-4aa1-885f-2882addb50c0-1
00:01:23.772 --> 00:01:24.600
compartments.

3f3a2ae2-b045-48dc-9f81-ecd61f1d5b8e-0
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If you'll remember, that was April 2025.

5c1e319c-3353-4816-a3eb-54f9eaf81c46-0
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I do.

ddd4cbf5-7a15-4564-ac74-5aa4e852f0dd-0
00:01:27.480 --> 00:01:30.880
Third time's the Charm from October 2025.

ad49fb8a-2f01-4fd0-850a-a96495a8b6d3-0
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Or what was our alternative title for
that one?

67c0eea0-14b3-49b9-94c6-f490a8ec59f7-0
00:01:33.480 --> 00:01:34.360
Yeah, What was it?

863389fd-2647-42f4-b8d4-a2a202aa5c13-0
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Someone gets ****** or ******* something
getting fisted or something like that.

8f3d305b-8fa1-4d67-b207-1e81f161d1eb-0
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The the third ************.

6053ffd5-3365-4d7d-80e7-1aed40bc9c74-0
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The third ************.

fbc85c75-1dca-4676-9851-373e38f86d88-0
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That's right.

511ad273-0890-468f-b8d4-b54e7a38bd88-0
00:01:42.840 --> 00:01:43.560
Yes, that's right.

ae2e85f7-a56e-4428-b9b3-890bc807bc42-0
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And of course, who could forget Fox?

dacef71a-f862-45b2-ad08-5e10da092d3c-0
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No cine, Hilly pillification.

07f13e43-28d5-47ba-b19f-77b90da572d7-0
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Oh, you just did that like cold.

f4bc3bcf-b5c6-4ef4-8143-bab1491f9e40-0
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That's exactly aggressive.

9e4c6bb9-66a6-4ba0-a318-6b928b05810b-0
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Yes,
I haven't been practising that since

9e4c6bb9-66a6-4ba0-a318-6b928b05810b-1
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January.

34af35eb-06cc-4c1f-bfd5-6879ec97a1f9-0
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So fourth time Daredevil this time around,
yet to long list.

774e3a63-e4a0-445a-ac1e-5f2681da4827-0
00:02:03.240 --> 00:02:06.120
So hopefully we will get you there Karosh.

0ace1492-ff2f-4a37-8024-1eaa6622de93-0
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Hopefully this Daredevil will go away to
making that happen.

7bbb90bc-464b-46b3-9088-79292f5d1df9-0
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And you know what?

027a8ff9-13df-4a02-937e-809a1ba5c9ba-0
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Noticeably a different approach this time.

d05628d0-618a-4167-ad9c-816550c2e148-0
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So Karosh has come in with a bit of a
comedic angle this time,

d05628d0-618a-4167-ad9c-816550c2e148-1
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which is good fun.

3cabc8ef-3080-458b-8a22-18ce12714740-0
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After some serious stories as well.

3ff8e13f-57d0-411b-85bc-8e6c284de94d-0
00:02:19.080 --> 00:02:23.600
This one was quite serious so good to see
you expanding your repertoire as well.

00c7da5f-552f-42ba-abe3-e3b9af256e91-0
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And Karosh has decided to write for Team
Amanda this time around.

ff16cd44-5236-4b88-b249-31783eb7689a-0
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So firstly,
tell us what were your prompts this time

ff16cd44-5236-4b88-b249-31783eb7689a-1
00:02:30.659 --> 00:02:31.000
around?

c3c733c0-c76d-4cb9-9a46-4c9eeff594f5-0
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All right,
so our word prompt was the word moon.

0b65d684-77bf-414d-bf32-63eadc8052d7-0
00:02:34.160 --> 00:02:36.920
Our action prompt was concealing
something.

ac22668f-f1a1-4970-9775-6879965f1561-0
00:02:37.240 --> 00:02:38.600
And our kicker for this round.

ba8e65bd-848a-4f1e-88ce-fcf66924d487-0
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So that's our prompt that changes each
round like something a little bit random.

2eda709f-fce3-41dd-97b5-2489ee468af3-0
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This time it was write a story inspired
by yin energy.

cbf256a0-fd43-4336-b325-9f345c737e58-0
00:02:45.800 --> 00:02:48.822
And of course,
T Med was write a story inspired by Yang

cbf256a0-fd43-4336-b325-9f345c737e58-1
00:02:48.822 --> 00:02:49.200
energy.

331781de-f220-4e4b-af1c-899107a3cc04-0
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And yin energy is the soft energy,
the feminine energy, dark, mysterious,

331781de-f220-4e4b-af1c-899107a3cc04-1
00:02:55.452 --> 00:02:56.120
shadowy.

1665778a-367a-4e52-8854-b47299e69745-0
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And so that's the kind of vibe that we
******.

da0eeea2-bb71-433e-a35b-149be6ecc924-0
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A little bit ******.

51cf2976-fdd3-4104-b5c2-a8c54b201782-0
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All right.

0b308423-e13d-4af2-a5ef-912fd143789b-0
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Yeah.

fb4c3dce-36a6-4a76-8921-6ebc3c517bb1-0
00:03:03.560 --> 00:03:05.840
You OK at this point?

e5471723-6188-4807-8f61-ba5be30941ca-0
00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:07.960
No, No, you're really not OK.

5e8b701d-0cba-4112-b6e9-1e3776803bf7-0
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All right.

4e8f3668-2395-47c8-a995-1fd679fb9810-0
00:03:08.360 --> 00:03:09.560
As long as we're clear, that's fine.

b91320db-c1cf-49c2-a635-a8330f2fa5ce-0
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All right.

667adf6f-1ecc-41c6-a4c5-4d45fc6dea2e-0
00:03:10.360 --> 00:03:11.520
Well, I'm going to read this story.

59e36f3c-c5b4-41c0-a645-e78e185975e2-0
00:03:11.840 --> 00:03:12.640
We'll throw you a bone.

a34c4b07-06c0-45de-80e1-586437417b62-0
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Why not?

33c0fbcc-1014-465b-b2a0-32505afbf072-0
00:03:15.200 --> 00:03:16.040
Do you really care?

4e3d18de-8948-4847-9248-32b45390bf2b-0
00:03:16.400 --> 00:03:17.200
No, I don't care about.

acbe1f90-9399-4587-8618-a5e0deb5de8b-0
00:03:17.200 --> 00:03:19.720
Well, then no, but like a little bit.

d7f4d62c-d97a-4c91-bbd7-591277daa426-0
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I mean,
we could have at least had one daredevil

d7f4d62c-d97a-4c91-bbd7-591277daa426-1
00:03:22.519 --> 00:03:23.720
with my team is what I'm saying.

8cd234ec-5245-413e-818b-d3791700de36-0
00:03:23.720 --> 00:03:25.400
But like, we, we didn't control that.

234d1c09-3eca-450e-a708-46eb21e12965-0
00:03:25.400 --> 00:03:26.680
It just happened to be.

24379e43-b452-476f-bd96-087b845a325a-0
00:03:26.840 --> 00:03:28.360
You don't control the birds, Lisa.

bb4870a7-0aea-4a3f-aef4-fc2297945996-0
00:03:28.400 --> 00:03:29.200
I don't control the bird.

68f4f03e-b5ea-41f4-b92c-b6bb5f5e8499-0
00:03:29.200 --> 00:03:31.080
One day I will, but not now.

14876384-a501-4d36-a411-61dc476e79f3-0
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So I'll be reading Croatia's story for
today.

f9d98ca2-e3b1-4961-9ab9-8c54cea16c36-0
00:03:34.800 --> 00:03:40.080
And so here is Simone,
not Simon by Karosh.

b2408365-869d-47c4-b532-2ff45a60fb3e-0
00:03:47.800 --> 00:03:54.108
I blink in confusion trying to read the
business card being shoved into my face

b2408365-869d-47c4-b532-2ff45a60fb3e-1
00:03:54.108 --> 00:03:56.080
by a self proclaimed gin.

a3b6f7d6-475f-4d9c-95f3-7e78b3cac3a4-0
00:03:57.080 --> 00:04:01.659
I know this is disorienting,
but one must be a little aggressive when

a3b6f7d6-475f-4d9c-95f3-7e78b3cac3a4-1
00:04:01.659 --> 00:04:03.360
marketing in a new region.

dc2b40a0-e899-4627-a55c-59d64c4d0db2-0
00:04:04.600 --> 00:04:07.520
I lean back and pluck the card out of his
hand.

77b8c847-0e50-422c-9642-33fa4d13b441-0
00:04:08.240 --> 00:04:10.080
It's full of spelling mistakes.

e8ca1ffa-7861-4c07-92cb-b687ad6ae45d-0
00:04:10.960 --> 00:04:14.240
Who writes director with AK?

5f622ef8-3e81-4970-885d-65b0b287e212-0
00:04:15.560 --> 00:04:19.260
The guy had practically ambushed me when
I was walking home from night shift at

5f622ef8-3e81-4970-885d-65b0b287e212-1
00:04:19.260 --> 00:04:20.000
the gas station.

13c1fc0b-c5d8-4c14-a0f0-a2dd5d7e04f8-0
00:04:20.840 --> 00:04:23.347
Driving would have spared me the
interaction,

13c1fc0b-c5d8-4c14-a0f0-a2dd5d7e04f8-1
00:04:23.347 --> 00:04:25.800
but I sold the car last month to cover
rent.

08f0b4a9-c76d-4276-b809-d57a921ebeed-0
00:04:26.760 --> 00:04:28.920
Yeah, my situation is pretty desperate.

33a29e63-adf3-4b5d-bc32-38e503104254-0
00:04:29.680 --> 00:04:34.320
If it ever gets so bad that I resort to
magic, I'll pray to a random God.

dacfc308-b5bf-4274-9d95-482f78b22332-0
00:04:35.840 --> 00:04:38.614
Listen,
I'm not in the mood for whatever YouTube

dacfc308-b5bf-4274-9d95-482f78b22332-1
00:04:38.614 --> 00:04:40.200
prank you're trying to pull.

cffb716b-b532-4079-9fdc-8141f8bc9961-0
00:04:40.360 --> 00:04:41.240
I've had a long day.

98de71f3-ec49-45fe-9c46-de3f0caa0994-0
00:04:41.240 --> 00:04:43.440
And oh, of course.

996b5549-fa15-4d09-8d8f-53c46b3205f0-0
00:04:43.800 --> 00:04:44.760
He interrupts.

a7753605-9af2-401c-89b4-5d7930f4f237-0
00:04:45.480 --> 00:04:48.680
I'm familiar with you, Mr Reveal.

513fafae-3e8e-49dd-a1e8-a940ef0680e1-0
00:04:49.680 --> 00:04:54.040
It's why we've approached you as part of
the pilot programme.

5ca25eea-a8c1-41b4-814b-af507445da6c-0
00:04:55.400 --> 00:04:57.280
This sounds stalkery.

4538a6b7-8f33-4b05-a292-b74f489d688a-0
00:04:58.200 --> 00:05:01.286
I take a step back from the man and pull
out my phone,

4538a6b7-8f33-4b05-a292-b74f489d688a-1
00:05:01.286 --> 00:05:05.720
pretending to take a picture of the
business card while panic messaging Jenny.

d03d2dd3-9920-40a3-b8ae-60c39a2bd35b-0
00:05:06.600 --> 00:05:10.240
I'm afraid you won't find anything online
right now.

65ccbefd-615d-4c23-b2e9-e0af3bb934d9-0
00:05:11.040 --> 00:05:15.264
The website's not up yet,
so it's mostly to make things more in

65ccbefd-615d-4c23-b2e9-e0af3bb934d9-1
00:05:15.264 --> 00:05:18.300
step with the cultural practises of the
West,

65ccbefd-615d-4c23-b2e9-e0af3bb934d9-2
00:05:18.300 --> 00:05:21.600
but I can give you a quick rundown of
everything.

907cf466-bcaa-4fb6-9c10-eacd0b523746-0
00:05:22.640 --> 00:05:26.240
Jenny isn't seeing the messages,
so I bobbed my head.

710904b8-6175-4f62-9b0e-eaa9077676ea-0
00:05:27.680 --> 00:05:29.000
Wonderful.

996ffc8a-3dc7-438f-8766-c984a85c246c-0
00:05:29.960 --> 00:05:35.400
He snaps his fingers and a slideshow
screen spawns in the air behind him.

a9bdcfac-3d36-4d80-8591-c18443404a7a-0
00:05:36.960 --> 00:05:39.560
Why the hell is this so high budget?

72a96ae0-5b45-4249-b276-65932b80f511-0
00:05:40.760 --> 00:05:45.217
As a Society of wish granters,
we at Gin Wishing have spent many

72a96ae0-5b45-4249-b276-65932b80f511-1
00:05:45.217 --> 00:05:49.400
millennia helping people create better
lives for themselves.

b390911d-bc8d-4625-9b79-1d82ac72cec8-0
00:05:50.120 --> 00:05:52.400
The deal is pretty simple.

5fbdc043-73dd-43e1-b7f7-91a7066a2139-0
00:05:53.200 --> 00:05:58.924
You make the wish to us and we create the
circumstances needed for your wish to

5fbdc043-73dd-43e1-b7f7-91a7066a2139-1
00:05:58.924 --> 00:05:59.640
come true.

774fb457-25e3-4038-83d2-58cbfff31781-0
00:06:00.840 --> 00:06:04.720
The slideshow has gone through at least
36 slides by now.

078e3086-e3bd-4124-b59d-52e519b09cb9-0
00:06:05.760 --> 00:06:08.040
I glance at the bottom corner of the
screen.

2ab71828-c505-4534-be46-2f430766dea8-0
00:06:08.960 --> 00:06:11.240
65 slides.

3b53834c-ea82-4d5e-9d10-6079a4b48d67-0
00:06:12.160 --> 00:06:13.640
A look at the current slide.

80a81e89-2373-45b8-933c-050e6c90f82d-0
00:06:14.560 --> 00:06:17.640
Ian Nessia wanted to be remembered
forever.

798a71e4-40b2-400f-9912-f0f334aa563f-0
00:06:17.640 --> 00:06:19.760
A success story.

8bad6f84-5908-4a78-949c-e007b195c480-0
00:06:22.240 --> 00:06:28.400
The message check marks finally light up
and that's it, leaving me on red.

11952166-0f40-41be-abe7-bb5dcb97f336-0
00:06:29.840 --> 00:06:33.960
If I get out of this alive,
I'm changing the Wi-Fi password.

93a2501e-1fb1-4ce3-9a2b-f8c616f26398-0
00:06:35.440 --> 00:06:39.512
As I mentioned previously,
we're expanding into new areas from our

93a2501e-1fb1-4ce3-9a2b-f8c616f26398-1
00:06:39.512 --> 00:06:41.640
previous region in the Middle East.

01fa7d65-57fa-48bb-94bd-ecb363261320-0
00:06:42.240 --> 00:06:48.436
We've chosen you as our first customer,
since interviews with your friends and

01fa7d65-57fa-48bb-94bd-ecb363261320-1
00:06:48.436 --> 00:06:52.280
family show your life leaves much to be
desired.

f6d4149d-377e-4d59-bbe9-b5741795e9e1-0
00:06:53.560 --> 00:06:57.650
The slideshow stops on a bold comic Sans
the end,

f6d4149d-377e-4d59-bbe9-b5741795e9e1-1
00:06:57.650 --> 00:07:00.760
and he steps forward enthusiastically.

0b789b0a-269c-48e8-a72e-ba634e5d5d5e-0
00:07:01.880 --> 00:07:04.160
Well, what do you say?

76569216-8030-41ab-8e3c-cc045c3eca5f-0
00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:06.320
Finished already?

d5ba91e9-1ed9-4039-992a-957d9996a09b-0
00:07:07.000 --> 00:07:11.986
Wait, no,
think I'm not saying guarantees against

d5ba91e9-1ed9-4039-992a-957d9996a09b-1
00:07:11.986 --> 00:07:14.280
being monkey pored, Mr.

812bbd02-887e-43a0-a7fb-835b30b7f3a6-0
00:07:15.200 --> 00:07:18.520
I glanced down at the card,
reading his misspelt name.

d123e238-6840-4a7f-9fdc-c03ab44d81cd-0
00:07:19.400 --> 00:07:20.920
Simon Garvey.

fd2f4e23-dd63-4a50-b77d-2210b205744b-0
00:07:22.200 --> 00:07:24.160
His expression sours.

c36a90c0-9c0a-4377-a49e-eaf0ac97d68d-0
00:07:25.200 --> 00:07:28.160
Oh God, it's a moon.

65de7869-89bf-4b2a-8edd-9fce703b0acb-0
00:07:29.480 --> 00:07:30.800
Not Simon.

b4e06e5b-d979-47c8-9abb-afea9403f856-0
00:07:32.040 --> 00:07:34.080
He snatches the card from my hand.

a25b961f-e19a-4f9d-8975-225580738dd3-0
00:07:34.840 --> 00:07:37.560
I'd say **** you,
but the world's already done it.

e8e22d4a-f483-472e-8b49-ce30eafbbf8c-0
00:07:38.320 --> 00:07:39.640
Stay miserable.

1320e05c-0f33-48e3-96f6-7ffe7be7d92e-0
00:07:41.360 --> 00:07:45.720
With a snap, I'm alone in the dark St.

da4877ff-2e8a-4242-9390-58f645337f45-0
00:07:47.400 --> 00:07:49.560
My phone buzzes.

99737af9-4404-4a80-bebc-30b8cb97519c-0
00:07:51.480 --> 00:07:53.440
Look who's finally answering.

a61ef1bb-30e0-483c-896c-598c707ba03c-0
00:07:55.000 --> 00:07:56.760
Don't accidentally call him Simon.

cef4ba60-5e38-4d85-a4c3-77d81fe4fa96-0
00:07:57.240 --> 00:07:58.080
He hates that.

bb2a9b4c-b2cc-49f1-b7d4-2f491ce8e8da-0
00:08:16.200 --> 00:08:19.680
So thank you, Karosh,
for your story and you've left us a

bb2a9b4c-b2cc-49f1-b7d4-2f491ce8e8da-1
00:08:19.680 --> 00:08:22.200
voicemail message, so let's play that now.

ee77b00a-d08e-4b97-ba5d-2d5b13375ba6-0
00:08:25.400 --> 00:08:27.960
Hello Ed and Amanda, it's Karosh speaking.

3f74fb01-8574-4ca0-b746-12bfa4fe4db4-0
00:08:27.960 --> 00:08:31.880
I hope you guys are doing well and have
enjoyed the stories from this round.

b13f8a30-eccf-4ed0-9872-823e80f2e0c0-0
00:08:32.480 --> 00:08:37.840
So the story behind this one is kind of
straightforward.

25e37a3b-3628-4108-bdb2-ad53ff401b5c-0
00:08:37.840 --> 00:08:41.153
I was looking at the prompts and I was
looking at the word prompts,

25e37a3b-3628-4108-bdb2-ad53ff401b5c-1
00:08:41.153 --> 00:08:44.760
looking at like what different words I
can find that contain the strings.

bc4ff316-a333-48bf-9521-725c8d82832c-0
00:08:44.760 --> 00:08:48.845
And on the word moon,
I found the word Simon, which is,

bc4ff316-a333-48bf-9521-725c8d82832c-1
00:08:48.845 --> 00:08:54.389
it comes from an Arabic term which is
essentially talks about desert winds,

bc4ff316-a333-48bf-9521-725c8d82832c-2
00:08:54.389 --> 00:09:00.079
which honestly confused me for a minute
because like the etymology comes from

bc4ff316-a333-48bf-9521-725c8d82832c-3
00:09:00.079 --> 00:09:01.320
Simone like that.

20c67d50-ee89-4a6a-aa56-87669fbc6ce6-0
00:09:01.320 --> 00:09:04.446
Anyway,
so I started with that and then I was

20c67d50-ee89-4a6a-aa56-87669fbc6ce6-1
00:09:04.446 --> 00:09:07.640
like, OK,
how would I put this in organically?

6daf7b31-395f-4946-bef1-345df9bbdd64-0
00:09:07.640 --> 00:09:09.720
And then I realised it looks like Simon.

5a87480d-a7cf-4101-bd97-b9bd48705db1-0
00:09:09.720 --> 00:09:14.120
And I had a really funny idea,
which you've probably just read.

89b7f6d4-8a7b-4b52-a20d-03bfa11570ec-0
00:09:14.640 --> 00:09:18.120
I don't have too many questions about
this.

6daca56b-0b41-435f-b42a-8456722d3597-0
00:09:18.120 --> 00:09:23.157
I just want to get some more feedback on
my comedic writing because most of the

6daca56b-0b41-435f-b42a-8456722d3597-1
00:09:23.157 --> 00:09:27.440
stories you've read from me on air have
been more angst than funny.

ad558cad-c71a-4a26-a977-e2cc630bc2b2-0
00:09:27.680 --> 00:09:31.418
But also,
I'm totally going to take the take it the

ad558cad-c71a-4a26-a977-e2cc630bc2b2-1
00:09:31.418 --> 00:09:33.360
wrong way if this one wins.

fe466b6f-8789-4c19-bc45-fbc8b2164525-0
00:09:33.960 --> 00:09:38.400
Like gets at least on the long list of
while the other ones never have.

2c409864-3472-4f26-9000-ef476679cf1f-0
00:09:38.400 --> 00:09:41.920
So thank you very much and enjoy.

ba095b7b-e5c2-4256-b931-00c6f23dfe6c-0
00:09:43.920 --> 00:09:46.520
So thank you, Karosh, for your message.

4e0b2b5c-ea58-4c22-856b-96adb78d8ca0-0
00:09:46.600 --> 00:09:49.199
Yeah,
it was interesting hearing your thought

4e0b2b5c-ea58-4c22-856b-96adb78d8ca0-1
00:09:49.199 --> 00:09:53.720
process there about how this story came
together, like from the prompts really.

afa4e069-f12d-4a3c-a71a-092abca14954-0
00:09:53.720 --> 00:09:58.403
And and the way that like that chain of
events LED you down this path of like a

afa4e069-f12d-4a3c-a71a-092abca14954-1
00:09:58.403 --> 00:10:01.037
genie,
which is not what you'd really expect

afa4e069-f12d-4a3c-a71a-092abca14954-2
00:10:01.037 --> 00:10:02.560
from a a moon base prompt.

0688a473-7d0d-440a-bb1e-3757b64489a5-0
00:10:02.720 --> 00:10:03.480
But that's great.

8a9c5ec8-28ae-4afe-868a-4c4a531eb436-0
00:10:03.480 --> 00:10:06.720
And in fact,
it wasn't the only Simone inspired story.

0d24735d-8147-47f5-9dd5-6c69a88cda23-0
00:10:07.280 --> 00:10:09.828
But yeah,
I think it really can be helpful in a

0d24735d-8147-47f5-9dd5-6c69a88cda23-1
00:10:09.828 --> 00:10:14.075
competition setting to look a little bit
deeper into the prompts and to go with

0d24735d-8147-47f5-9dd5-6c69a88cda23-2
00:10:14.075 --> 00:10:16.039
something a little bit more abstract.

643282d0-4f23-42e3-9be8-a71b487c1aa5-0
00:10:16.040 --> 00:10:19.894
And if something does jump out at you
like that and make you feel kind of

643282d0-4f23-42e3-9be8-a71b487c1aa5-1
00:10:19.894 --> 00:10:22.760
excited to write something,
then that's that's a tick.

ccfd4ea5-4651-43c8-838b-8523a8e01a52-0
00:10:22.760 --> 00:10:25.800
Like absolutely follow that instinct,
I think.

93a6f0d8-447a-4664-b913-fc2faa4ae13b-0
00:10:25.800 --> 00:10:26.920
And I do that myself.

1f5888bb-7374-4430-8e88-d2356319f46f-0
00:10:26.920 --> 00:10:31.840
Like I try and find not the first idea,
but like go down that rabbit hole a bit.

855d8028-4f4f-4f96-9ebb-4795c2e59678-0
00:10:31.840 --> 00:10:35.470
Spend the time, if you have it,
to play with the prompts to sort of

855d8028-4f4f-4f96-9ebb-4795c2e59678-1
00:10:35.470 --> 00:10:38.193
brainstorm,
to go down rabbit holes until you find

855d8028-4f4f-4f96-9ebb-4795c2e59678-2
00:10:38.193 --> 00:10:40.970
something that's a little bit different
if you can,

855d8028-4f4f-4f96-9ebb-4795c2e59678-3
00:10:40.970 --> 00:10:43.480
and you're going to stand out for that
reason.

9f5190de-048f-4f87-b5dd-d349637700d3-0
00:10:43.480 --> 00:10:48.120
And it did like this story, you know,
the whole gin thing, it's very different.

e0b6a0f6-f604-4fee-9e49-b074f1cd9798-0
00:10:48.120 --> 00:10:52.840
We had a lot of kind of mystical,
moon on a lake kind of visuals.

39d42dde-8cef-4100-a202-bef9de292931-0
00:10:52.840 --> 00:10:54.640
We had werewolves.

957ad378-8c12-482d-ad59-1357a25bf591-0
00:10:54.640 --> 00:10:57.120
We had very feminine stories.

a8a83991-d80d-418c-9e5b-d12c91967449-0
00:10:57.120 --> 00:10:58.920
And this is not a feminine story.

3b30e14f-d773-40c2-93a8-80d27472e345-0
00:10:58.920 --> 00:11:02.400
And so it does set itself apart on that
basis.

11c80235-c136-450c-acba-233845df2ea1-0
00:11:02.800 --> 00:11:03.160
It does.

7d67a9cb-02ff-4c3d-aafa-d136f44ab21c-0
00:11:03.160 --> 00:11:04.760
And look, it didn't make the long list.

b7bb01d2-5cd5-4a77-9605-cb46196d3f50-0
00:11:04.760 --> 00:11:09.182
And it sounds like you're probably
relieved on some level by that, Karosh,

b7bb01d2-5cd5-4a77-9605-cb46196d3f50-1
00:11:09.182 --> 00:11:10.480
based on your message.

7c56a75d-67dd-4052-b19f-80708fc9f006-0
00:11:10.920 --> 00:11:14.543
But it did actually receive a maybe plus
from one of the judges,

7c56a75d-67dd-4052-b19f-80708fc9f006-1
00:11:14.543 --> 00:11:16.160
which is quite a high rating.

34e25683-01f5-4775-a302-1ff63071acf1-0
00:11:16.160 --> 00:11:20.332
And some of the feedback is around the
fact that it is very original and for

34e25683-01f5-4775-a302-1ff63071acf1-1
00:11:20.332 --> 00:11:22.120
that reason stood out this round.

3d81fd61-16bc-484e-b2de-448d79806512-0
00:11:22.120 --> 00:11:23.440
And it's a lot of fun.

598f33af-f1f2-465b-91d7-06808543c79b-0
00:11:23.440 --> 00:11:24.800
But we also do have some critiques.

0f9cefe7-de4a-4235-93aa-808096f1c8b6-0
00:11:24.800 --> 00:11:26.080
So we'll go through the story.

47450143-68f7-45b7-a6b3-e02c0c9ee7cf-0
00:11:26.080 --> 00:11:27.680
It's got some critiques.

dcc138c1-3baf-4c58-a1b2-fe7a38f0c7d9-0
00:11:27.680 --> 00:11:28.720
That's what we come here for.

a91e44df-ffd5-467c-85df-f3111e5ba7bb-0
00:11:29.000 --> 00:11:33.158
So we can start with the title,
which is Simoon, not Simon,

a91e44df-ffd5-467c-85df-f3111e5ba7bb-1
00:11:33.158 --> 00:11:36.000
which is obviously paid off in the story.

a3e68ac9-14cb-4414-b602-a21f1be298cd-0
00:11:36.000 --> 00:11:36.480
It is.

4785d8ad-d352-43af-9c1c-76a8f0ec95b9-0
00:11:36.480 --> 00:11:38.400
It's the critical line,
I guess from the story.

51670c75-920d-44a4-804e-77f8e6289f48-0
00:11:38.400 --> 00:11:40.240
So definitely recalls the story.

d8888f32-7a92-4cb2-9a4e-85eeee58c7ae-0
00:11:40.240 --> 00:11:42.688
I think if I was referring to this title
anecdotally,

d8888f32-7a92-4cb2-9a4e-85eeee58c7ae-1
00:11:42.688 --> 00:11:45.001
like if I was saying in that story about
the gene,

d8888f32-7a92-4cb2-9a4e-85eeee58c7ae-2
00:11:45.001 --> 00:11:47.223
I probably would just call it Samoon,
not Simon,

d8888f32-7a92-4cb2-9a4e-85eeee58c7ae-3
00:11:47.223 --> 00:11:48.720
because that's the critical line.

53490221-379c-4f95-ba74-2f6055756ba3-0
00:11:48.720 --> 00:11:53.000
And given the comedic tone of the story,
it works well.

363d9479-ea1a-4f92-9494-72506e5d20b9-0
00:11:53.200 --> 00:11:54.120
Yeah, that's right.

648a2b1b-bb86-44b0-ba6f-eda725015811-0
00:11:54.120 --> 00:11:56.733
I mean,
the title there really does set up for a

648a2b1b-bb86-44b0-ba6f-eda725015811-1
00:11:56.733 --> 00:11:57.480
comedic story.

a1ade29b-9bb7-4899-815b-fab207dd326b-0
00:11:57.480 --> 00:11:59.640
So I think that's a tick on that basis.

c3b4a3c0-1b04-419b-a2db-bfc7d4eb1917-0
00:11:59.640 --> 00:12:03.547
And from my perspective as well,
like again, in the competition setting,

c3b4a3c0-1b04-419b-a2db-bfc7d4eb1917-1
00:12:03.547 --> 00:12:07.240
to see that creative use of the prompts
there right up front is fun.

bd1f1505-74db-4443-9518-65ec47b03974-0
00:12:07.240 --> 00:12:10.146
It's like, oh,
this person is like giving that that

bd1f1505-74db-4443-9518-65ec47b03974-1
00:12:10.146 --> 00:12:11.880
attention and and that's great.

a4b72816-bb1f-4b8c-8c15-ef78bb9b60e1-0
00:12:11.960 --> 00:12:12.480
That's a tick.

a130f874-0904-4ee4-9c1b-db7693839406-0
00:12:12.640 --> 00:12:14.742
All right,
so let's get into the story which opens

a130f874-0904-4ee4-9c1b-db7693839406-1
00:12:14.742 --> 00:12:15.320
with the line.

5dc2ac24-041d-412b-ad3a-5825ab855d73-0
00:12:15.360 --> 00:12:20.393
I blink in confusion trying to read the
business card being shoved into my my

5dc2ac24-041d-412b-ad3a-5825ab855d73-1
00:12:20.393 --> 00:12:22.200
face by self proclaimed gin.

48bfc401-012b-4e22-8c66-6579bdcffea4-0
00:12:22.640 --> 00:12:24.120
So interesting line.

b8b6e5cb-7610-42bc-91cd-9b8f94758284-0
00:12:24.120 --> 00:12:27.225
I think one thing to call out,
it's just the naming of emotion there,

b8b6e5cb-7610-42bc-91cd-9b8f94758284-1
00:12:27.225 --> 00:12:29.400
the blinking and confusion straight off
the bat.

302a4ba4-dcc2-4ebc-ab5f-c9e3cfca8a1e-0
00:12:29.400 --> 00:12:33.095
That's something that we often caution
against just because it's telling,

302a4ba4-dcc2-4ebc-ab5f-c9e3cfca8a1e-1
00:12:33.095 --> 00:12:35.591
you know,
telling the reader what to feel or what

302a4ba4-dcc2-4ebc-ab5f-c9e3cfca8a1e-2
00:12:35.591 --> 00:12:37.040
the the character is feeling.

94e0b3af-c1d2-473f-93f0-5c4c717db8cf-0
00:12:37.320 --> 00:12:41.420
Usually you want to just try to impart
that information in the context of the

94e0b3af-c1d2-473f-93f0-5c4c717db8cf-1
00:12:41.420 --> 00:12:42.840
action of the story itself.

29de541f-a052-4165-8ede-0f96dcabbb4b-0
00:12:43.040 --> 00:12:43.360
Yeah.

3c5cb943-68f8-4434-84ad-626308100293-0
00:12:43.360 --> 00:12:45.160
And just as an extension of that as well.

33b0d027-195e-47ca-b20f-cf62650befab-0
00:12:45.160 --> 00:12:48.240
Just that next bit there trying to read
the business card.

7b526cc7-fb86-4c07-9c88-f8ba6beed937-0
00:12:48.720 --> 00:12:51.600
Now this is,
this is an example I see a lot.

58eed9f7-41a0-4029-94fa-7c8a6822080e-0
00:12:51.600 --> 00:12:54.684
And you know,
we talk about telling and showing and so

58eed9f7-41a0-4029-94fa-7c8a6822080e-1
00:12:54.684 --> 00:12:56.760
on, trying to read the business card.

57f2d9f7-5859-46c1-a971-158a93fe93e2-0
00:12:57.480 --> 00:12:58.640
What does that look like?

3cc509f8-b2bb-41b3-8783-827ec3662302-0
00:12:58.880 --> 00:12:59.080
Right.

d324177a-01b6-44b4-93d9-742e45135c84-0
00:12:59.080 --> 00:13:01.957
So if you tell me I was trying to read
the business card,

d324177a-01b6-44b4-93d9-742e45135c84-1
00:13:01.957 --> 00:13:05.977
what I would suggest instead is to try
and give a sensory description of what is

d324177a-01b6-44b4-93d9-742e45135c84-2
00:13:05.977 --> 00:13:06.920
he doing right now.

a897bfc7-6939-44bf-8895-428c8e5acaf9-0
00:13:06.920 --> 00:13:07.040
Yeah.

7567bfda-d32a-4473-878c-67800f9b0e53-0
00:13:07.440 --> 00:13:08.760
Like squinting at the business.

fdc1a5c9-dff3-48ef-ab66-73efff709555-0
00:13:08.760 --> 00:13:09.360
Yeah.

ab2b1b77-37f7-49bc-b295-b3190414075f-0
00:13:09.400 --> 00:13:13.786
Like how can we express that as an action
that's a little bit more sensory,

ab2b1b77-37f7-49bc-b295-b3190414075f-1
00:13:13.786 --> 00:13:17.075
that feels a bit more visual as opposed
to just kind of,

ab2b1b77-37f7-49bc-b295-b3190414075f-2
00:13:17.075 --> 00:13:21.000
I call it more like a summarising
statement I'm trying to read, OK.

d53a8cf0-bfcd-4943-bde1-ff5e744326d1-0
00:13:21.320 --> 00:13:22.480
But what does that look like?

f873a4ff-8c8c-452d-9d71-67720c21835d-0
00:13:22.480 --> 00:13:25.880
And the more visual you can get,
the more satisfying that will feel.

a1d613c2-b6a6-49ac-a844-b0fac835efa7-0
00:13:26.160 --> 00:13:29.709
So as an opening sentence,
like I think it's great that we've got

a1d613c2-b6a6-49ac-a844-b0fac835efa7-1
00:13:29.709 --> 00:13:31.000
the gins right up front.

a74c22dc-52fb-4803-8c93-eca2283fb8c1-0
00:13:31.000 --> 00:13:33.280
We've got the business card,
we've got a bit of the setup there.

d57e08f0-d115-42c0-95e0-b17896068e8c-0
00:13:33.760 --> 00:13:36.360
We still don't know who our main
character is, but that's OK.

7918f7d3-6b98-4ae3-afd8-6b297f178470-0
00:13:36.360 --> 00:13:38.200
We're starting to get a sense of their
voice.

805582c8-08ea-4e2b-827b-c2ed421e3c9c-0
00:13:38.640 --> 00:13:42.153
And so like it's I guess the first few
lines there,

805582c8-08ea-4e2b-827b-c2ed421e3c9c-1
00:13:42.153 --> 00:13:46.680
I'm not really getting my who and my
where that I like to ask for.

3a03379d-9b83-4feb-9109-c779c92cf3f2-0
00:13:46.960 --> 00:13:49.283
And we get a little bit later that he's,
you know,

3a03379d-9b83-4feb-9109-c779c92cf3f2-1
00:13:49.283 --> 00:13:52.200
walking home from the night shift at the
gas station and so on.

9e9d62b1-9ce9-4839-a71c-98fdec06a1a4-0
00:13:52.600 --> 00:13:54.680
To me,
that information needs to come first.

fd8bbdc3-247f-4f95-8e9c-a176f5d4492c-0
00:13:54.680 --> 00:13:56.000
Where are we standing?

be6b6b9b-7941-4f02-ad3f-b2df85ed2aed-0
00:13:56.160 --> 00:13:56.880
Who's there?

ecb88a19-0642-4363-9b28-b77f6a59d427-0
00:13:57.160 --> 00:13:59.596
We've got the gin,
but we don't really have our main

ecb88a19-0642-4363-9b28-b77f6a59d427-1
00:13:59.596 --> 00:14:00.240
character yet.

647b46b3-73d0-4580-87b5-1297088c3960-0
00:14:00.800 --> 00:14:05.073
And so I think those things would be nice
to tick off before we get into the action

647b46b3-73d0-4580-87b5-1297088c3960-1
00:14:05.073 --> 00:14:06.600
and the dialogue of the scene.

d5200ead-f595-4459-be87-57f6e6de8cfe-0
00:14:06.720 --> 00:14:10.598
Look, I think what that does,
that first line does for me, though,

d5200ead-f595-4459-be87-57f6e6de8cfe-1
00:14:10.598 --> 00:14:14.998
is in introducing the gin and the
business card sets up an expectation that

d5200ead-f595-4459-be87-57f6e6de8cfe-2
00:14:14.998 --> 00:14:17.720
this story is going to be a little bit
absurd.

e869e80a-1b1e-4d58-8ee7-e353c6a666a3-0
00:14:17.720 --> 00:14:19.748
And yeah,
you're going to have to suspend your

e869e80a-1b1e-4d58-8ee7-e353c6a666a3-1
00:14:19.748 --> 00:14:21.950
disbelief,
which I think is important to do in the

e869e80a-1b1e-4d58-8ee7-e353c6a666a3-2
00:14:21.950 --> 00:14:25.360
first sentence because sometimes you can
get a setup that feels quite serious.

4a75931b-58dc-4211-8d60-a75ff8641f82-0
00:14:25.720 --> 00:14:28.820
And then you're asking the reader to
suspend that disbelief like a few

4a75931b-58dc-4211-8d60-a75ff8641f82-1
00:14:28.820 --> 00:14:31.920
paragraphs in, at which point,
like they might be even more reluctant.

6e768c3b-e1f7-49cf-b679-5bf6cfe0e546-0
00:14:31.920 --> 00:14:34.400
But now I'm reading this and going, OK,
it's a gin.

d54610c1-c36d-45af-aec9-bdf3d764b990-0
00:14:34.680 --> 00:14:35.880
There's a business card involved.

1ef3cad7-3f0d-47bf-be75-f81c5514e103-0
00:14:35.880 --> 00:14:37.160
It's probably going to be antics.

a2fd35ba-6ec1-4027-a118-aedd0adaec60-0
00:14:37.280 --> 00:14:37.840
It's giving.

ad1e98cf-c05a-4bab-b561-f62d898ed4e1-0
00:14:37.840 --> 00:14:39.800
We were talking about kind of Aladdin
vibes.

b15afe2b-7611-43f4-8956-644c95005357-0
00:14:39.800 --> 00:14:40.760
Yeah, exactly.

0894a7fb-47cc-460e-a5fa-48466ac084d6-0
00:14:40.800 --> 00:14:43.960
And just the genie,
the Robin Williams genie as well.

484c4694-9dd2-4563-88d8-d74229d4a3a1-0
00:14:44.360 --> 00:14:46.960
All right,
so we get a bit more information here.

a6206fae-8556-45ed-b443-854f8fe9e23e-0
00:14:46.960 --> 00:14:49.807
And look,
I'm a bit a bit confused by this Gin

a6206fae-8556-45ed-b443-854f8fe9e23e-1
00:14:49.807 --> 00:14:54.653
character because he's being referenced
here in the opening paragraph as a self

a6206fae-8556-45ed-b443-854f8fe9e23e-2
00:14:54.653 --> 00:14:55.320
proclaimed.

e9171c19-fe42-4eb9-ac28-9437242b897a-0
00:14:56.520 --> 00:14:59.400
Is he a jinn or is he a self proclaimed
jinn?

070569d3-c74f-4a74-9f30-c13162924cdf-0
00:14:59.400 --> 00:15:03.560
Is is there some scepticism here about
whether this is a real jinn?

9c4ac0ae-84b6-41fa-a974-d9a2469428ad-0
00:15:04.360 --> 00:15:07.732
So we get a little bit more of the
premise coming through in this next

9c4ac0ae-84b6-41fa-a974-d9a2469428ad-1
00:15:07.732 --> 00:15:08.160
sentence.

4a224da9-650b-4b44-8917-5dd109d1239d-0
00:15:08.160 --> 00:15:12.880
So he's marketing in a new region and
that's obviously the premise here.

e43ab6e4-e474-4e2e-8754-1acd7f4c1074-0
00:15:12.880 --> 00:15:16.328
We've got a jinn,
Middle Eastern mythical figure,

e43ab6e4-e474-4e2e-8754-1acd7f4c1074-1
00:15:16.328 --> 00:15:20.466
I guess you'd say,
expanding their operations as if they're

e43ab6e4-e474-4e2e-8754-1acd7f4c1074-2
00:15:20.466 --> 00:15:22.880
a corporation, which is a fun idea.

01927159-f3bf-4863-8039-26aec9bda775-0
00:15:23.600 --> 00:15:26.416
And we have a character here,
our main character,

01927159-f3bf-4863-8039-26aec9bda775-1
00:15:26.416 --> 00:15:29.063
who's like down on his luck,
a bit of a loser,

01927159-f3bf-4863-8039-26aec9bda775-2
00:15:29.063 --> 00:15:30.640
and those two come together.

6d2a72fd-0538-4b2d-a1a4-fb3b43d5fde3-0
00:15:30.640 --> 00:15:33.878
So I think, Karosh,
what you've done well here is come up

6d2a72fd-0538-4b2d-a1a4-fb3b43d5fde3-1
00:15:33.878 --> 00:15:37.173
with this premise,
which is really inspired by the prompts

6d2a72fd-0538-4b2d-a1a4-fb3b43d5fde3-2
00:15:37.173 --> 00:15:38.959
that is original and intriguing.

269e869f-f08f-4485-8687-0823fbe34b2f-0
00:15:39.240 --> 00:15:43.163
And the question then becomes like,
where do you take it from here and how do

269e869f-f08f-4485-8687-0823fbe34b2f-1
00:15:43.163 --> 00:15:45.880
you develop it into a story and pay that
premise off?

57ab6b40-5913-40a7-9d1c-1a1a24b6a569-0
00:15:45.960 --> 00:15:48.971
So one thing I want to say about this
story is that, you know,

57ab6b40-5913-40a7-9d1c-1a1a24b6a569-1
00:15:48.971 --> 00:15:51.840
Croatia said he's sort of expanding into
this comedic tone.

0c7ed3fd-50bf-4aa7-9be9-b542e9a1667d-0
00:15:52.240 --> 00:15:55.520
And I think the comedic tone really is
consistently there throughout.

b02b42a0-32c1-4093-9a71-71a8561c33e7-0
00:15:55.520 --> 00:15:59.657
And I really like that we've got a bit of
a sense of character voice as well,

b02b42a0-32c1-4093-9a71-71a8561c33e7-1
00:15:59.657 --> 00:16:04.006
this kind of sceptical, kind of, yeah,
right, kind of sarcastic sort of attitude,

b02b42a0-32c1-4093-9a71-71a8561c33e7-2
00:16:04.006 --> 00:16:05.120
which is interesting.

5b1be94a-3725-44b8-a795-2a3083aa35ae-0
00:16:05.480 --> 00:16:09.013
And we've got what I think is often fun
in flash fiction,

5b1be94a-3725-44b8-a795-2a3083aa35ae-1
00:16:09.013 --> 00:16:13.278
this kind of modern setup with the kind
of fantastical or weird idea,

5b1be94a-3725-44b8-a795-2a3083aa35ae-2
00:16:13.278 --> 00:16:17.360
but it's almost like an everyday,
but something wild is happening.

49323880-b8c8-4911-bdbf-58ffb2c5bba3-0
00:16:17.360 --> 00:16:20.120
And I think that's a good setup for a
piece of flash fiction.

3690a90b-7ced-4037-ab5e-3b97d5662546-0
00:16:20.440 --> 00:16:23.960
And so in terms of that comedic writing,
I think you've got that there.

2f71e683-53f9-46d1-9521-df5466f45c7a-0
00:16:24.160 --> 00:16:27.360
So one thing I would challenge though,
is as we go through,

2f71e683-53f9-46d1-9521-df5466f45c7a-1
00:16:27.360 --> 00:16:29.120
there's some clarity issues here.

c0017463-7f90-4215-b2d1-3a59cc4190ad-0
00:16:29.120 --> 00:16:33.744
We've got a lot of sort of ideas jumbled
in together and sentence by sentence

c0017463-7f90-4215-b2d1-3a59cc4190ad-1
00:16:33.744 --> 00:16:35.760
we're not getting that flow right.

08e5a227-a2b6-4631-870b-d94d39e6ff70-0
00:16:35.760 --> 00:16:40.240
So we're not getting sort of one thought
naturally progressing into the next.

df41c1ed-8717-4bfc-8e79-d45a6d81833e-0
00:16:40.360 --> 00:16:44.564
We're not getting that cause and effect
of 1 character does something and that

df41c1ed-8717-4bfc-8e79-d45a6d81833e-1
00:16:44.564 --> 00:16:46.480
causes the other character to react.

248cf81a-618e-49b1-9626-1f0d94229a37-0
00:16:46.520 --> 00:16:49.440
And then as a result of that,
that character does something.

f94d9ad2-f6c8-43ea-8a65-eb974bbda16a-0
00:16:49.560 --> 00:16:52.120
And then as a result of that,
the other character reacts like that.

d8828e5f-2f6e-4215-9793-15f1c1a86ac4-0
00:16:52.280 --> 00:16:54.120
The dominoes, right, knocking over.

734ea20a-ab96-4975-b69e-c1836ae218cd-0
00:16:54.440 --> 00:16:57.613
Instead,
we're getting sort of one idea and then

734ea20a-ab96-4975-b69e-c1836ae218cd-1
00:16:57.613 --> 00:16:59.880
another idea and then another idea.

98c77452-306c-428b-85e7-0010c33993e9-0
00:17:00.240 --> 00:17:03.440
And these ideas aren't necessarily built
building on each other here.

3f37105a-763a-45e8-a051-08789ac4d975-0
00:17:03.760 --> 00:17:06.560
They're kind of just being presented one
after another.

730e5781-98a6-4aa0-b275-1c4a3a5ef290-0
00:17:06.920 --> 00:17:11.939
And we're sort of being expected to take
them on without that sort of really

730e5781-98a6-4aa0-b275-1c4a3a5ef290-1
00:17:11.939 --> 00:17:15.263
flowing into a scene where like we've got
a scene,

730e5781-98a6-4aa0-b275-1c4a3a5ef290-2
00:17:15.263 --> 00:17:17.480
we've got some dialogue and so on.

c3c8fabf-f7f6-414d-9df5-b534105826d5-0
00:17:17.480 --> 00:17:21.635
So don't get me wrong,
but it's not sort of building to one big

c3c8fabf-f7f6-414d-9df5-b534105826d5-1
00:17:21.635 --> 00:17:21.960
idea.

f0f7196e-c9b4-4f8e-ba82-f1f889a52356-0
00:17:21.960 --> 00:17:23.640
It's kind of just bits and pieces.

814efc15-eb82-4523-83e4-ba840370b6c5-0
00:17:23.640 --> 00:17:26.434
And so I guess that's my challenge here
mainly,

814efc15-eb82-4523-83e4-ba840370b6c5-1
00:17:26.434 --> 00:17:29.170
like we've got the lovely tone and
everything,

814efc15-eb82-4523-83e4-ba840370b6c5-2
00:17:29.170 --> 00:17:33.653
but how are we directing the readers
focus and drawing us inevitably towards

814efc15-eb82-4523-83e4-ba840370b6c5-3
00:17:33.653 --> 00:17:34.760
that climax, right.

c1b65829-87a2-4319-9abc-350d7d414d66-0
00:17:34.760 --> 00:17:38.763
So in a classic story structure,
you have the character with a single of

c1b65829-87a2-4319-9abc-350d7d414d66-1
00:17:38.763 --> 00:17:42.000
some kind and some stakes,
like why do they care about it?

a4c9f728-9bd6-469b-9ad2-5c94c446ce6d-0
00:17:42.480 --> 00:17:42.720
Now?

9bc4e9fa-732f-48bf-9562-dcf9ec96f9e4-0
00:17:42.720 --> 00:17:45.760
In this case,
we don't know what the character wants.

045a1406-3419-4889-a2f1-d917bd7c5415-0
00:17:45.920 --> 00:17:48.397
Yeah,
he's been presented with this opportunity

045a1406-3419-4889-a2f1-d917bd7c5415-1
00:17:48.397 --> 00:17:51.957
and he's sort of sceptical about it,
but he doesn't have any sort of

045a1406-3419-4889-a2f1-d917bd7c5415-2
00:17:51.957 --> 00:17:54.279
investment in it happening or not
happening.

8db74d64-b288-497e-9fe9-27418f530640-0
00:17:54.280 --> 00:17:55.840
He's just kind of presented with it.

2a30ad6b-0156-4dec-b2c7-8d577178e5c1-0
00:17:56.120 --> 00:17:59.145
Now the challenge with that is
understanding why we should care about

2a30ad6b-0156-4dec-b2c7-8d577178e5c1-1
00:17:59.145 --> 00:18:00.960
that then, because he doesn't really care.

dbaec335-b582-4178-b499-bab4e64c566c-0
00:18:00.960 --> 00:18:04.710
It's kind of come out of the blue,
and now that it's come out of the blue,

dbaec335-b582-4178-b499-bab4e64c566c-1
00:18:04.710 --> 00:18:08.010
he has to deal with it,
but he kind of just gets taken along with

dbaec335-b582-4178-b499-bab4e64c566c-2
00:18:08.010 --> 00:18:08.160
it.

479c50ef-e733-470b-839a-6ee283525ffa-0
00:18:08.160 --> 00:18:10.800
And he's watching this PowerPoint
presentation or whatever,

479c50ef-e733-470b-839a-6ee283525ffa-1
00:18:10.800 --> 00:18:13.000
and then he's kind of still sarcastic
throughout.

3dd3b1a4-8e24-435c-8b11-05c790dd934d-0
00:18:13.280 --> 00:18:17.016
And we're not getting this kind of sense
of him trying to achieve something and

3dd3b1a4-8e24-435c-8b11-05c790dd934d-1
00:18:17.016 --> 00:18:20.800
failing to achieve something that you
might get in at a classic story structure.

b77013ea-3959-4523-92c1-4f85c70f0c66-0
00:18:20.800 --> 00:18:24.619
We're just sort of getting a flow of
things happening that he's kind of

b77013ea-3959-4523-92c1-4f85c70f0c66-1
00:18:24.619 --> 00:18:25.680
getting swept up in.

92413455-9a75-4481-8b0d-55cfb348045e-0
00:18:26.040 --> 00:18:28.878
And then the end is kind of this gag
about, oh,

92413455-9a75-4481-8b0d-55cfb348045e-1
00:18:28.878 --> 00:18:33.372
don't call him the wrong name and not
really about this experience for this

92413455-9a75-4481-8b0d-55cfb348045e-2
00:18:33.372 --> 00:18:35.560
character and what it means for them.

24cebb56-949d-4468-86c5-6653f26b0e75-0
00:18:35.680 --> 00:18:36.760
And I think we need that.

4dc00edd-5508-4f2d-92b6-ba7d07038be5-0
00:18:36.920 --> 00:18:37.440
Yeah.

5b0382c1-6c3a-4cab-b21b-320ddda4f0ca-0
00:18:37.680 --> 00:18:42.391
There are a lot of little jokes and
things that are humorous in and of

5b0382c1-6c3a-4cab-b21b-320ddda4f0ca-1
00:18:42.391 --> 00:18:46.440
themselves that don't point us
necessarily in One Direction.

8d72052d-effb-453b-88e5-5ecf7e942efb-0
00:18:46.440 --> 00:18:50.905
And maybe confusingly so,
I feel because we have to reverse

8d72052d-effb-453b-88e5-5ecf7e942efb-1
00:18:50.905 --> 00:18:52.840
engineer the story, right?

8ec70012-4fac-4c16-b5ed-88280ce44c01-0
00:18:52.840 --> 00:18:57.430
This collection of genies,
essentially these genes are expanding

8ec70012-4fac-4c16-b5ed-88280ce44c01-1
00:18:57.430 --> 00:19:00.680
into the West looking for an ideal
candidate.

66948a01-4b27-4190-a9db-33f8c9633e27-0
00:19:01.120 --> 00:19:05.961
They've spoken to family and friends and
found this guy who's like a loser and an

66948a01-4b27-4190-a9db-33f8c9633e27-1
00:19:05.961 --> 00:19:07.320
ideal candidate, right?

56c5dc1b-c4dd-4728-9b8a-9c295366bb6d-0
00:19:07.320 --> 00:19:08.560
So that's the back story.

d15a34ec-33cd-46eb-aa0a-2e66c4965a9b-0
00:19:09.120 --> 00:19:13.318
But we have these clues, for example,
that we're sceptical if they're real,

d15a34ec-33cd-46eb-aa0a-2e66c4965a9b-1
00:19:13.318 --> 00:19:13.760
I guess.

1a7d8581-e50a-499b-b422-0f2522e35d99-0
00:19:13.760 --> 00:19:14.880
And that's a bit confusing to me.

12182078-5e30-4734-98d4-5db7b989da2f-0
00:19:14.880 --> 00:19:18.865
Like we have the spelling issues,
we have the the Comic Sans in the

12182078-5e30-4734-98d4-5db7b989da2f-1
00:19:18.865 --> 00:19:23.320
PowerPoint presentation that makes this
question, are they actually genies?

937bb69a-ad2c-4242-8769-bf9d6e4b415f-0
00:19:23.320 --> 00:19:24.360
Are they, is it real?

02b159ed-9062-4615-8ad1-7bc4d06e0fcd-0
00:19:24.640 --> 00:19:28.858
But we are also told that yes,
they are because they've spoken to Jenny

02b159ed-9062-4615-8ad1-7bc4d06e0fcd-1
00:19:28.858 --> 00:19:31.320
presumably, and they've set themselves up.

7eadad26-4475-416c-96f6-7a1a7ae84846-0
00:19:31.720 --> 00:19:36.241
And maybe the idea of the bold Comic Sans,
the end is like funny,

7eadad26-4475-416c-96f6-7a1a7ae84846-1
00:19:36.241 --> 00:19:41.241
but it doesn't really emphasise maybe
what you're trying to put forward,

7eadad26-4475-416c-96f6-7a1a7ae84846-2
00:19:41.241 --> 00:19:45.557
which is the fact that they are really
genies, I would expect,

7eadad26-4475-416c-96f6-7a1a7ae84846-3
00:19:45.557 --> 00:19:48.160
and they are in fact trying to expand.

69af2b0c-0d23-4a68-b7d3-e9b316038899-0
00:19:48.160 --> 00:19:51.240
There's not like some subterfuge,
unless I'm misreading the story.

50e84183-bdf8-4828-a747-0ae4ddd14ffa-0
00:19:51.240 --> 00:19:55.160
They're not like pretending to be that
and trying to scam him out of anything.

7a36c32a-b169-42da-bf03-e3f81151f95b-0
00:19:55.400 --> 00:19:56.440
So that's one thing.

b6b9cdd7-dc0c-4cb4-a493-47c852e2bf89-0
00:19:56.560 --> 00:20:01.312
And also, as you've mentioned,
the protagonist's reaction to this

b6b9cdd7-dc0c-4cb4-a493-47c852e2bf89-1
00:20:01.312 --> 00:20:04.552
scenario being like a doubt on his luck
guy,

b6b9cdd7-dc0c-4cb4-a493-47c852e2bf89-2
00:20:04.552 --> 00:20:08.080
he doesn't seem that interested in these
genies.

779015f4-551c-44d5-ae18-969b3b6ff5f5-0
00:20:08.080 --> 00:20:09.120
He is sceptical.

5ceca934-fcaf-4ada-8ac0-99d1c00474d2-0
00:20:09.160 --> 00:20:13.152
He's sarcastic, as you've said,
but he's also being handed this golden

5ceca934-fcaf-4ada-8ac0-99d1c00474d2-1
00:20:13.152 --> 00:20:15.120
opportunity and when they've asked.

ef2ba220-049c-49da-8335-b5223a06f828-0
00:20:15.240 --> 00:20:19.800
For a response, he's very much like, OK,
like, whatever.

d6ac4071-52b9-4e51-aca6-4d6ccaffc3e1-0
00:20:19.880 --> 00:20:20.240
Yeah.

07883c60-af3e-4341-961d-82841f15a663-0
00:20:20.760 --> 00:20:22.080
So what does he want?

1e4216fa-911b-4538-b222-d72b71388598-0
00:20:22.080 --> 00:20:26.190
It's very hard for me as a reader to
connect with this character and

1e4216fa-911b-4538-b222-d72b71388598-1
00:20:26.190 --> 00:20:29.705
understand, like,
what his goals are and what he wants out

1e4216fa-911b-4538-b222-d72b71388598-2
00:20:29.705 --> 00:20:30.480
of the scene.

2510c74d-a8e9-43eb-a9ff-da9c95b40bc3-0
00:20:30.640 --> 00:20:31.000
Yeah.

0ea11f0e-2092-4893-a1eb-53d6b5cdac08-0
00:20:31.000 --> 00:20:34.176
And so in terms of that comedic tone as
well, like,

0ea11f0e-2092-4893-a1eb-53d6b5cdac08-1
00:20:34.176 --> 00:20:37.720
we've got this great verb here being
monkey pored, right?

2115985e-e4f8-4195-9616-76c15a3f3c57-0
00:20:38.040 --> 00:20:38.600
I love that.

4580a1ec-b9ee-4898-b707-c6c688d51a5d-0
00:20:38.600 --> 00:20:40.480
It's very obsession.

50aba0c3-20af-45d1-b07a-bfb1b9b529df-0
00:20:40.920 --> 00:20:42.520
I mean, yes, it's very obsession.

2017d596-653f-4526-953e-f7e3b731ccf6-0
00:20:42.520 --> 00:20:46.120
We've we've just seen the movie obsession,
but it's also very Simpsons, right?

ab646f13-b841-4992-acac-15eac663301b-0
00:20:46.120 --> 00:20:49.892
We've got the monkey pole And I,
I think that's a really fun idea and,

ab646f13-b841-4992-acac-15eac663301b-1
00:20:49.892 --> 00:20:53.080
and I feel like you could lean into that
a little bit more.

331d129d-b4b7-42a9-af15-2c09e96f8017-0
00:20:53.480 --> 00:20:58.464
So that classic monkey paw situation is a
dramatic situation that works well in a

331d129d-b4b7-42a9-af15-2c09e96f8017-1
00:20:58.464 --> 00:20:59.680
storytelling format.

0ef9b21d-0e68-4621-bcac-d231c0edd20d-0
00:21:00.000 --> 00:21:04.011
If he's trying to avoid being monkey
pawed 'cause he knows that that's what's

0ef9b21d-0e68-4621-bcac-d231c0edd20d-1
00:21:04.011 --> 00:21:04.680
gonna happen.

e6230ed6-b692-4ec9-9bc9-ab28e28db340-0
00:21:05.040 --> 00:21:09.080
Like how does that feed into something a
bit unique and different in this story?

f4c391e2-992c-4cef-86a5-c564a0fdb475-0
00:21:09.080 --> 00:21:13.202
Like how does that knowledge of being
monkey pawed cause him to do something

f4c391e2-992c-4cef-86a5-c564a0fdb475-1
00:21:13.202 --> 00:21:15.880
different here than what we might usually
expect?

6266bd48-0d3f-42f0-adca-ec788a94335c-0
00:21:16.160 --> 00:21:17.920
And then what happens as a result?

cec48372-7c50-4383-9bf2-ef875a9c352e-0
00:21:17.920 --> 00:21:20.729
You know, so again,
that cause and effect kind of thing,

cec48372-7c50-4383-9bf2-ef875a9c352e-1
00:21:20.729 --> 00:21:22.800
this gin presents this golden opportunity.

ab845e9a-0b60-426e-8f5a-58f75242567c-0
00:21:22.800 --> 00:21:24.040
Hey, you've got nothing.

1f2161e8-e60a-40fa-8e62-e99bb20e3112-0
00:21:24.040 --> 00:21:26.120
You've just sold your car,
you've you've got nothing.

e1dc53ec-333e-4daf-a9f6-54ca923b1fe8-0
00:21:26.320 --> 00:21:27.680
It's time to make a wish.

7c95bd5a-35c2-4e8c-8769-6805d8a84113-0
00:21:28.160 --> 00:21:31.299
And now we understand that he doesn't
want to make a wish because he knows he's

7c95bd5a-35c2-4e8c-8769-6805d8a84113-1
00:21:31.299 --> 00:21:32.280
going to be monkey pawed.

815c1cde-0ca8-4bb5-9020-09c576148a39-0
00:21:32.760 --> 00:21:33.960
Well, then what does he do?

6c7f2b84-7278-4c6c-b7b0-e1ca5f87fe51-0
00:21:33.960 --> 00:21:36.579
And I think to me,
that's the more interesting dramatic

6c7f2b84-7278-4c6c-b7b0-e1ca5f87fe51-1
00:21:36.579 --> 00:21:37.000
question.

8a8bcd1e-d6c4-4012-a3e0-7778113dd51d-0
00:21:37.000 --> 00:21:40.526
Whereas this back and forth and the kind
of gag about it being like a big

8a8bcd1e-d6c4-4012-a3e0-7778113dd51d-1
00:21:40.526 --> 00:21:43.718
PowerPoint presentation and long and
boring and all of that stuff,

8a8bcd1e-d6c4-4012-a3e0-7778113dd51d-2
00:21:43.718 --> 00:21:45.720
like that's there, but it's not the point.

befee28a-f979-4395-9928-857357964a19-0
00:21:45.880 --> 00:21:48.760
Like I think the point is more for this
character.

ecf24cb8-eee7-4320-adb1-8d07b107bd6b-0
00:21:49.040 --> 00:21:53.649
What is he going to do in response to
this opportunity that's been presented to

ecf24cb8-eee7-4320-adb1-8d07b107bd6b-1
00:21:53.649 --> 00:21:53.880
him?

80533cac-a174-473f-978c-4f696a0069e3-0
00:21:54.160 --> 00:21:57.720
And how is that going to then leave him
changed by the end of this story?

42ebe440-5d06-4469-b8ae-88c024bb193f-0
00:21:58.000 --> 00:22:00.280
And same goes for this relationship with
Jenny as well.

b396697c-a587-4402-94fb-c9217826ac5a-0
00:22:00.280 --> 00:22:02.600
Like that's adding some conflict in the
scene.

6a2a7734-d347-4d09-a722-896b12fecf58-0
00:22:02.600 --> 00:22:04.920
She's not checking her messages and she's
not responding.

93d6a615-82c7-4cf7-989e-d9d404a33ef5-0
00:22:04.920 --> 00:22:07.881
And so he's getting more and more wrapped
up in what's going on,

93d6a615-82c7-4cf7-989e-d9d404a33ef5-1
00:22:07.881 --> 00:22:10.160
but then he just kind of gets the *****
with her.

039fef58-90f1-4d21-ae27-f9eae4af861b-0
00:22:10.640 --> 00:22:12.560
And he's like,
I'm going to change the Wi-Fi password.

96673a64-4e11-46f9-be94-2e999b21aa12-0
00:22:12.560 --> 00:22:14.080
I mean, I assume she's a girlfriend.

7acc27ed-3f8e-4e6e-b34e-a6508eb32506-0
00:22:14.080 --> 00:22:15.720
We don't even know who she is.

31c4c5bd-f4e5-48e3-830a-0e0547e52874-0
00:22:15.720 --> 00:22:17.520
She's just kind of presented as Jenny.

093c8169-a827-40b8-a0fc-ff29510858df-0
00:22:17.520 --> 00:22:19.880
And we kind of just have to figure that
out on our own.

0ef1eb9b-7c4c-46f4-b2af-739fd8ccd7ce-0
00:22:19.920 --> 00:22:22.160
But Jenny brings this, like,
this final line.

364565a5-fc60-41cf-956f-b3454eef16c5-0
00:22:22.160 --> 00:22:23.160
And that's the gag.

121a5ecd-6d89-41a1-bc1e-54b183bbfa21-0
00:22:23.160 --> 00:22:25.080
You know,
he doesn't want to be called Simon.

aa7d0c7b-6b25-478a-82b0-1dca01d3112b-0
00:22:25.280 --> 00:22:27.405
But like,
I don't know why we care about that

aa7d0c7b-6b25-478a-82b0-1dca01d3112b-1
00:22:27.405 --> 00:22:27.960
necessarily.

c63c454c-f56d-4796-b069-b96cc2d32708-0
00:22:27.960 --> 00:22:30.409
Like, to me, that hasn't been set up as,
like,

c63c454c-f56d-4796-b069-b96cc2d32708-1
00:22:30.409 --> 00:22:34.370
the ultimate punchline for this story
because we've got so much other stuff

c63c454c-f56d-4796-b069-b96cc2d32708-2
00:22:34.370 --> 00:22:34.840
going on.

f651123b-3e0c-463a-b8e7-4aecaa238a62-0
00:22:34.840 --> 00:22:37.469
Like,
is the story about whether this guy wants

f651123b-3e0c-463a-b8e7-4aecaa238a62-1
00:22:37.469 --> 00:22:41.249
to be called Simon or Simoon,
or is it more about this random guy is

f651123b-3e0c-463a-b8e7-4aecaa238a62-2
00:22:41.249 --> 00:22:44.920
being presented with this opportunity and
what does he do with it?

092c3a20-5d15-4887-ae8b-4e9f3674d8f6-0
00:22:45.480 --> 00:22:46.760
Yeah, it does come out of left field.

59496323-8100-45ce-b6a0-c3896d155f64-0
00:22:46.760 --> 00:22:51.979
And I think also it takes away the agency
of our main character because it's almost

59496323-8100-45ce-b6a0-c3896d155f64-1
00:22:51.979 --> 00:22:56.640
irrelevant what he wants from the scene
because the genie just ****** off.

1ca40ec4-bca9-4bda-bbb6-ee9962ddd154-0
00:22:56.800 --> 00:22:57.000
Yeah.

94c58579-d6f2-4cee-b121-708edde88389-0
00:22:57.000 --> 00:22:58.840
And it's through no fault of his own,
really.

50b33db5-ac40-44df-9cda-fd1be76c53b6-0
00:22:58.840 --> 00:23:01.400
It's just a simple misreading of his name.

8657e00d-417d-4162-a865-1543a8314eda-0
00:23:01.880 --> 00:23:04.600
And even if he was, like, into it and.

ed2a9bc1-a31f-4dae-ba6f-d016c13fc5e2-0
00:23:04.600 --> 00:23:08.998
And wanting to go ahead with this,
to throw up the concept of the the monkey

ed2a9bc1-a31f-4dae-ba6f-d016c13fc5e2-1
00:23:08.998 --> 00:23:12.824
poor, maybe that's, you know,
even if that wasn't a factor in this

ed2a9bc1-a31f-4dae-ba6f-d016c13fc5e2-2
00:23:12.824 --> 00:23:15.966
whole conversation,
it just abruptly ends with no real

ed2a9bc1-a31f-4dae-ba6f-d016c13fc5e2-3
00:23:15.966 --> 00:23:17.680
decision being made or choice.

76f65386-a597-43b5-b2d5-ab4522707f00-0
00:23:18.120 --> 00:23:20.880
The gin just gets the ***** and goes,
yeah.

71683cf6-9226-412c-9352-31d6d1874a16-0
00:23:20.880 --> 00:23:24.547
And so I guess we've got all these funny
little pieces, but as a whole,

71683cf6-9226-412c-9352-31d6d1874a16-1
00:23:24.547 --> 00:23:26.280
it's not sort of hanging together.

8b976ec9-bd31-40b2-9894-da922e58ca17-0
00:23:26.280 --> 00:23:30.682
And, you know, for a comedy,
we really want that punchline to be

8b976ec9-bd31-40b2-9894-da922e58ca17-1
00:23:30.682 --> 00:23:32.240
delivered to the setup.

e6a5d6a1-b607-41c6-a525-abf9f1442850-0
00:23:32.520 --> 00:23:33.400
And we don't have that.

a97f05cc-08a7-47b3-9e64-8857f32933ce-0
00:23:33.400 --> 00:23:36.900
The setup is all these bits and pieces
and then the punchline comes,

a97f05cc-08a7-47b3-9e64-8857f32933ce-1
00:23:36.900 --> 00:23:40.960
but it's not really as a payoff to all of
the bits and pieces that we're given.

bc5790fa-d29f-4294-b295-7edea120f3c9-0
00:23:40.960 --> 00:23:44.795
So we definitely need to think about more
of a clear storytelling structure in

bc5790fa-d29f-4294-b295-7edea120f3c9-1
00:23:44.795 --> 00:23:48.000
terms of what are we setting up and what
are we going to pay off.

fb1078d9-96f6-40d9-a50e-f25ad4d9ddf4-0
00:23:48.480 --> 00:23:50.040
And being more clear on that.

d9d94d3a-100c-4659-9326-b558b8386ea3-0
00:23:50.040 --> 00:23:53.194
And instead of just kind of,
and maybe this is unfair,

d9d94d3a-100c-4659-9326-b558b8386ea3-1
00:23:53.194 --> 00:23:57.152
but sort of throwing jokes at the wall to
see what sticks, you know,

d9d94d3a-100c-4659-9326-b558b8386ea3-2
00:23:57.152 --> 00:24:01.569
maybe focusing in a little bit more on
the story itself and allowing that to

d9d94d3a-100c-4659-9326-b558b8386ea3-3
00:24:01.569 --> 00:24:03.520
give us some of that satisfaction.

c6b427df-11f8-4ad8-a511-04c7a99b05a6-0
00:24:03.560 --> 00:24:08.300
Not needing to lean so heavily on the
gags and instead letting us get invested

c6b427df-11f8-4ad8-a511-04c7a99b05a6-1
00:24:08.300 --> 00:24:12.980
in this character and what's going on for
them and the inherent humour of the

c6b427df-11f8-4ad8-a511-04c7a99b05a6-2
00:24:12.980 --> 00:24:15.680
situation that doesn't really need the
gags.

528c9d75-c458-45fb-92f4-22452a0401fc-0
00:24:15.680 --> 00:24:17.800
Like it's already kind of a funny setup.

5011e5d3-1480-4d6e-b2c9-36ea968573e1-0
00:24:17.800 --> 00:24:18.760
It's got potential.

c496dc1b-6cca-41a0-83cc-352441794ca3-0
00:24:18.880 --> 00:24:21.040
Let's watch it unravel kind of thing.

d64ae978-dea4-4d93-adb2-1f1f1cd47b9e-0
00:24:21.120 --> 00:24:21.360
Yeah.

bdbac74d-d5b3-4478-8c3c-4112e5e744b2-0
00:24:21.360 --> 00:24:25.412
And I'd also say just progression as well,
developing it beyond the premise into a,

bdbac74d-d5b3-4478-8c3c-4112e5e744b2-1
00:24:25.412 --> 00:24:26.040
into a story.

6460f685-0e3d-4819-988b-45f214d443b4-0
00:24:26.440 --> 00:24:29.826
I want to emphasise,
like when we're talking about comedy

6460f685-0e3d-4819-988b-45f214d443b4-1
00:24:29.826 --> 00:24:33.680
versus drama or any other kind of story,
it's not that different.

2aafa87f-b98e-4bc1-a2fa-93c353ec2cbf-0
00:24:33.960 --> 00:24:36.840
A comedy isn't just a series of jokes.

b4ccfe27-120d-40b8-b0af-e13f03e34c29-0
00:24:37.200 --> 00:24:39.320
All of those storytelling elements we
talk about.

29bb924a-d328-4142-9d44-7c58a44bca6e-0
00:24:39.800 --> 00:24:44.840
Character is equally if not more
important in comedy than in drama.

7c1efa61-e55c-40e7-971f-1e388304d0dd-0
00:24:44.840 --> 00:24:46.480
Like just think of your favourite comedy.

fd0a0245-e831-4a77-8745-6b6dbfa12a91-0
00:24:46.480 --> 00:24:48.880
It's often a character based comedy.

55b2e555-5d3a-4b79-bed7-83b9dd2b18e0-0
00:24:48.880 --> 00:24:51.240
The emotional payoff is still there.

ce635b18-4a96-4fe8-ba14-7714a2a88fc6-0
00:24:51.320 --> 00:24:55.380
And often in in a comedy,
like it's not necessarily a funny payoff,

ce635b18-4a96-4fe8-ba14-7714a2a88fc6-1
00:24:55.380 --> 00:25:00.216
It's sometimes a deeply emotional payoff
that surrounds the comedy and the jokes

ce635b18-4a96-4fe8-ba14-7714a2a88fc6-2
00:25:00.216 --> 00:25:03.680
or the comedic layer just follows it
through progression.

be797e4d-1b6b-42e9-bf3c-749b2842a05b-0
00:25:03.720 --> 00:25:06.080
So well, I mean, this is a farce, right?

79d15c16-1b0c-4015-b2fb-38f6c1e633c9-0
00:25:06.080 --> 00:25:07.920
Like we've got different types of
comedies.

f7beac5c-b2f9-4f6b-b148-3e3b3580ab0e-0
00:25:07.920 --> 00:25:08.680
This is a farce.

0f17639c-a643-4db8-8aa0-f90510601552-0
00:25:08.680 --> 00:25:12.160
This is like completely ridiculous,
unbelievable kind of situation.

d9c1e2d2-5a45-456a-af10-d6b1c9dfd259-0
00:25:12.440 --> 00:25:13.760
And then we get to play on that.

26e33776-03ab-4b68-a061-2acd43804297-0
00:25:13.760 --> 00:25:18.480
And so some of the things that make a
fast funny are that juxtaposition with

26e33776-03ab-4b68-a061-2acd43804297-1
00:25:18.480 --> 00:25:19.400
the real world.

b5a15b52-c3bb-4907-9d4a-4eeb55b4024e-0
00:25:19.640 --> 00:25:22.089
OK,
he's just finished his night shift at the

b5a15b52-c3bb-4907-9d4a-4eeb55b4024e-1
00:25:22.089 --> 00:25:25.869
gas station and he's texting his
girlfriend and these sort of everyday

b5a15b52-c3bb-4907-9d4a-4eeb55b4024e-2
00:25:25.869 --> 00:25:27.520
things that are familiar to us.

69dd3c4c-6467-48f2-b8de-98f717283c84-0
00:25:27.520 --> 00:25:31.227
But then presenting that in contrast with
this kind of crazy **** happening,

69dd3c4c-6467-48f2-b8de-98f717283c84-1
00:25:31.227 --> 00:25:32.720
that's what makes a fast funny.

2bba1951-0616-4b37-b373-62bf15ed61c3-0
00:25:32.800 --> 00:25:36.200
But you've also got to give us that real
feeling stuff.

90083b98-3520-4d46-9d8c-df66c12b119f-0
00:25:36.200 --> 00:25:40.680
Like you've got to give us that character
in his normal world with his normal

90083b98-3520-4d46-9d8c-df66c12b119f-1
00:25:40.680 --> 00:25:42.920
desires, with his normal kind of needs.

7d7dfe12-f8e3-4f4b-aa32-8b5440fb1184-0
00:25:43.000 --> 00:25:43.120
Yeah.

19656457-b63d-4eba-9a86-321af876e5c8-0
00:25:43.400 --> 00:25:46.000
And the farce is sort of laid over on top
of that.

42db5027-ffc5-414c-a2cb-4f907434b825-0
00:25:46.240 --> 00:25:50.067
And it's that contrast that becomes funny
instead of just kind of the gag reel kind

42db5027-ffc5-414c-a2cb-4f907434b825-1
00:25:50.067 --> 00:25:53.120
of approach because, you know,
it's not a stand up routine, right?

1449c7ab-934b-400c-9900-12124d0a07e7-0
00:25:53.120 --> 00:25:54.120
And that's the difference.

17203a70-b019-48a7-bca6-4b87adace50a-0
00:25:54.120 --> 00:25:55.240
We're looking more at.

b2576185-b40a-4047-8bcd-2a037340d593-0
00:25:55.240 --> 00:25:58.781
This is a story where something funny is
happening, and hopefully,

b2576185-b40a-4047-8bcd-2a037340d593-1
00:25:58.781 --> 00:26:01.371
like in most comedies in a flash fiction
format,

b2576185-b40a-4047-8bcd-2a037340d593-2
00:26:01.371 --> 00:26:04.120
you're looking for that punchline right
at the end.

8a1ddc04-d4cb-441b-9d7f-01083c13ef26-0
00:26:04.120 --> 00:26:06.480
That's the one you know that we care
about.

2a01697a-d5a3-4f4d-8b2e-8ec988ac35e9-0
00:26:06.480 --> 00:26:10.160
That's the one that's going to leave us
with that sense of it having been funny.

bf073b51-c5a1-4504-87a0-953ed6074de8-0
00:26:10.480 --> 00:26:12.480
And the rest of it is really voice.

32cf4909-20e7-46e8-b369-832cc1a695ac-0
00:26:12.480 --> 00:26:14.000
It's voice, It's the character.

a3a61ce3-c38f-41ce-8434-73a225372234-0
00:26:14.000 --> 00:26:18.526
It's the character kind of pushing up
against what they're being confronted

a3a61ce3-c38f-41ce-8434-73a225372234-1
00:26:18.526 --> 00:26:23.409
with and trying to be normal in the face
of something wild that I think starts to

a3a61ce3-c38f-41ce-8434-73a225372234-2
00:26:23.409 --> 00:26:26.804
feel more funny,
even if it's not got that overt kind of

a3a61ce3-c38f-41ce-8434-73a225372234-3
00:26:26.804 --> 00:26:27.400
gag to it.

17c0eb51-4ac9-4d2a-8166-016c02da69e0-0
00:26:27.840 --> 00:26:30.760
So simoon is an Arabic word, right?

9da43f02-3de8-444b-b8e8-e0fb4399d0c2-0
00:26:30.760 --> 00:26:33.920
And it's this hot, dry, suffocating wind.

caeb6cf3-3356-486a-bb95-ca68e0e2a914-0
00:26:34.320 --> 00:26:36.920
And it's kind of,
they call it like a poison wind.

0995d438-a785-45e2-9743-dc4f964fae46-0
00:26:37.040 --> 00:26:41.138
And I guess it's that really oppressive,
very, very hot,

0995d438-a785-45e2-9743-dc4f964fae46-1
00:26:41.138 --> 00:26:43.080
extremely hot kind of wind.

34bc3cf4-822f-4cc0-a413-8bf061e4e33c-0
00:26:43.480 --> 00:26:45.080
And so you know what?

fa7a3570-56be-4350-9024-9d452e91ac2f-0
00:26:45.080 --> 00:26:49.000
That raised a question for me in this
story in terms of like, is this a gin?

5d6a05e8-e1fd-47fb-aac5-2956f4a6d87a-0
00:26:49.000 --> 00:26:50.240
Are we talking to the wind?

ba1b5927-8dee-44ca-879d-5a444a48b3b2-0
00:26:50.440 --> 00:26:53.400
Like that was my question, I suppose,
because you've got that name.

fd6a92c3-ead7-4119-9ead-eb3e367d9503-0
00:26:54.080 --> 00:26:54.560
Why?

ad9a7d3e-7975-452b-a2e2-2014652f861c-0
00:26:54.640 --> 00:26:56.360
Like, what's the significance of that?

b1925d4c-46cb-47bd-b760-f1a3888d559a-0
00:26:56.880 --> 00:26:58.884
But, you know,
I think I don't think that was

b1925d4c-46cb-47bd-b760-f1a3888d559a-1
00:26:58.884 --> 00:26:59.800
necessarily the case.

1844ba17-3721-4063-8424-8d8f01802c98-0
00:26:59.800 --> 00:27:02.603
But that was, you know,
you're coming into these stories

1844ba17-3721-4063-8424-8d8f01802c98-1
00:27:02.603 --> 00:27:03.440
completely blind.

ea672bb5-c63c-4cc0-9255-257ba57c8e73-0
00:27:03.480 --> 00:27:05.080
And that was a little?

df579d4a-b1e3-4241-b749-aa1773da3da3-0
00:27:05.080 --> 00:27:06.320
That was hanging there for me.

3f5bc08e-e0fb-4221-af73-0dd541317c1a-0
00:27:06.400 --> 00:27:06.560
Yeah.

b9d239d2-c021-4ad4-a638-907308cdc552-0
00:27:06.560 --> 00:27:10.518
Maybe an opportunity there for some more
cultural connection with that that whole

b9d239d2-c021-4ad4-a638-907308cdc552-1
00:27:10.518 --> 00:27:10.760
idea.

8fd208fb-c733-407d-8819-a30ff7f314fd-0
00:27:11.200 --> 00:27:16.754
And also maybe as a way to explain why he
gets so ****** *** about the fact that

8fd208fb-c733-407d-8819-a30ff7f314fd-1
00:27:16.754 --> 00:27:17.440
he's been.

d1a5e0b0-d4ba-4fdf-9a88-a1217942bfb4-0
00:27:17.960 --> 00:27:19.560
Yeah, incorrectly named there.

5043bafe-602c-444d-bdfe-cb1516ca44a3-0
00:27:19.600 --> 00:27:21.680
I mean,
why does he hate being called Simon?

24468fda-2216-4c35-b6a3-509d67ceba0c-0
00:27:21.680 --> 00:27:24.761
Maybe it's because this Simoon idea
carries such, like,

24468fda-2216-4c35-b6a3-509d67ceba0c-1
00:27:24.761 --> 00:27:28.779
cultural significance or power,
and now he's just being called Simon and

24468fda-2216-4c35-b6a3-509d67ceba0c-2
00:27:28.779 --> 00:27:29.440
he hates it.

96ead454-715e-4c14-9aba-418aa5030d61-0
00:27:29.440 --> 00:27:29.680
And.

20f14fd4-6fad-4b55-bfef-bb1e62378fc7-0
00:27:29.840 --> 00:27:30.200
No.

ceaf69ae-4bb2-4e3c-ba0c-ebdc434d935d-0
00:27:30.480 --> 00:27:30.800
Yeah.

1e3bc24d-f865-4f24-9f7b-eedeab4ee308-0
00:27:30.800 --> 00:27:31.280
Exactly.

9a5ed15b-3a12-4c21-8c18-2a3b972aaddc-0
00:27:31.360 --> 00:27:31.760
Yeah.

99d26b90-b819-402e-b875-e1aecf0681e0-0
00:27:31.960 --> 00:27:34.395
And look,
we know what this word means now because

99d26b90-b819-402e-b875-e1aecf0681e0-1
00:27:34.395 --> 00:27:35.160
I've Googled it.

05fda84e-4e3f-4b58-9d78-eddb7c3cde45-0
00:27:35.200 --> 00:27:37.160
I I did see this word in a couple of
stories.

737c5736-8017-4718-b944-9654c263beb7-0
00:27:37.560 --> 00:27:39.760
But there's some assumed knowledge here.

d8df6b1a-f784-4d6e-a6cd-613a76d4b7fd-0
00:27:39.880 --> 00:27:40.040
Yeah.

26b10b51-847a-42c2-b80d-62cd6036363d-0
00:27:40.040 --> 00:27:41.440
As to what that is like.

4495cc73-e66b-4115-88a3-e180af0fb449-0
00:27:41.520 --> 00:27:44.170
Without that knowledge,
we don't know or care why there's a

4495cc73-e66b-4115-88a3-e180af0fb449-1
00:27:44.170 --> 00:27:45.760
difference between those two things.

bec8ed5d-c721-4da3-b084-18896277c252-0
00:27:46.200 --> 00:27:48.200
So just be a little bit careful with that.

5feeebe1-78ae-4025-8ae7-e76f404614c0-0
00:27:48.240 --> 00:27:52.207
You know, on first reading, for me,
I didn't know at all what Samoon meant,

5feeebe1-78ae-4025-8ae7-e76f404614c0-1
00:27:52.207 --> 00:27:54.400
and I think probably most people wouldn't.

c80b4445-18ac-44af-8f88-8bd3543ea5bd-0
00:27:54.760 --> 00:27:57.280
And so you probably need to just drop
that in.

d19b4d1c-8da8-4907-bab8-72b2bf4bede1-0
00:27:57.560 --> 00:27:59.920
And that's a bit expositional, right?

6bf621b4-ab18-43b5-8ee0-bfc10dbb41fb-0
00:27:59.920 --> 00:28:04.000
We usually try and avoid exposition in
the story, but sometimes it's necessary.

b6be1f65-5117-4620-b161-510786581cb1-0
00:28:04.000 --> 00:28:06.280
And I would say in this case,
it's probably necessary.

119e8a17-bf23-4663-9c9f-e1caad116ad5-0
00:28:06.760 --> 00:28:07.240
So, yeah.

434eaefb-bb80-490f-b3ea-7bae9a3e6344-0
00:28:07.240 --> 00:28:08.000
Thank you, Karosh.

827e8954-6834-4ebf-99b1-04b36d3e983c-0
00:28:08.000 --> 00:28:09.520
I think we'll get a fun scene.

88054413-d18a-4a02-af5e-9da0ea41f1de-0
00:28:09.520 --> 00:28:10.320
Definitely.

eec898be-4cbd-4873-b47b-fdc15cfeff98-0
00:28:10.320 --> 00:28:11.040
We agree on that.

12c316d5-f655-4f90-b4a8-afd3393719a2-0
00:28:11.040 --> 00:28:14.523
And as I mentioned,
some of our judges rated your story very

12c316d5-f655-4f90-b4a8-afd3393719a2-1
00:28:14.523 --> 00:28:19.321
highly just on the basis of those comedic
elements and its originality and the fact

12c316d5-f655-4f90-b4a8-afd3393719a2-2
00:28:19.321 --> 00:28:21.320
that it offered us something fresh.

6a0fc02c-2a4f-4463-abc4-ba716868962e-0
00:28:21.480 --> 00:28:22.080
And.

c2c252b5-24a8-41a7-92f8-a7dd774f71af-0
00:28:22.240 --> 00:28:25.553
Yeah, Well, like,
we enjoyed your your little foray into

c2c252b5-24a8-41a7-92f8-a7dd774f71af-1
00:28:25.553 --> 00:28:25.960
comedy.

2a65c75b-b12b-465b-89b9-d3cde70cfa1b-0
00:28:26.520 --> 00:28:28.760
It's a new thing for you,
as you've mentioned.

563add51-3b76-456d-b233-8119e8bdcede-0
00:28:28.760 --> 00:28:30.200
I just think that's so great.

3b503b69-b3b3-419d-ad6a-20c4e7387e2a-0
00:28:30.200 --> 00:28:33.133
Like,
I really love the flash fiction

3b503b69-b3b3-419d-ad6a-20c4e7387e2a-1
00:28:33.133 --> 00:28:36.840
competition world as a place to play as
adults.

ec858b8c-42fc-4490-be54-c21f5d19a7ab-0
00:28:36.840 --> 00:28:39.040
Like, you know, we just don't do that.

52765f00-0291-4cb3-971b-2d254954b26c-0
00:28:39.040 --> 00:28:41.400
We're so busy trying to do the right
thing.

b7c1958e-9378-4d83-b613-1319b6ac7288-0
00:28:41.400 --> 00:28:44.841
We're so busy at work trying to get
things correct, you know,

b7c1958e-9378-4d83-b613-1319b6ac7288-1
00:28:44.841 --> 00:28:46.840
and we don't play that much anymore.

71034363-6d70-427f-be1b-a676de5ce2f4-0
00:28:46.840 --> 00:28:48.320
And, and we should.

0ae60c8c-17ca-4015-8d12-059575d125c5-0
00:28:48.880 --> 00:28:50.640
I mean, here's the other challenge, right?

420518a5-df26-4034-b3de-5b17ee0dd8c8-0
00:28:50.640 --> 00:28:53.000
When you're entering a competition,
you're trying to win.

792182d1-d51a-4ad3-8be9-f85eb0e093cb-0
00:28:53.000 --> 00:28:54.720
So again,
you're trying to do it correctly.

2dc8cc4b-b0c8-40cb-a4c1-6f02e1f2b253-0
00:28:54.720 --> 00:28:54.880
Yeah.

32554d04-e020-48b8-9dd4-b1bd24a9290e-0
00:28:55.120 --> 00:28:59.200
We come to this daredevil and we say,
help me fix it and let's like do it right.

d59c5831-0391-4c6d-a4d4-df805c57f198-0
00:28:59.640 --> 00:29:03.800
Instead of having that attitude of like,
I'm just gonna ******* do what I want and

d59c5831-0391-4c6d-a4d4-df805c57f198-1
00:29:03.800 --> 00:29:06.707
see what happens, you know,
and play with writing comedy,

d59c5831-0391-4c6d-a4d4-df805c57f198-2
00:29:06.707 --> 00:29:09.013
whether it's for the first time or,
you know,

d59c5831-0391-4c6d-a4d4-df805c57f198-3
00:29:09.013 --> 00:29:13.173
it's just something you want to try for
this competition, whether you're like, oh,

d59c5831-0391-4c6d-a4d4-df805c57f198-4
00:29:13.173 --> 00:29:15.680
today I'm feeling really ****** *** about
my job.

a6da35c1-3d56-4d93-b7f6-c4435d7da062-0
00:29:15.680 --> 00:29:19.653
So I'm just going to express that in my
story today and my stories about

a6da35c1-3d56-4d93-b7f6-c4435d7da062-1
00:29:19.653 --> 00:29:20.960
something else entirely.

1d2833f3-f757-4f4e-81fe-134c22cb8586-0
00:29:20.960 --> 00:29:23.263
But like,
I'm just going to let that out of me in

1d2833f3-f757-4f4e-81fe-134c22cb8586-1
00:29:23.263 --> 00:29:24.000
this experience.

d2342b98-f924-46c6-bb2d-ce2fe72b406e-0
00:29:24.000 --> 00:29:25.400
And so that's what I like to see.

e7116c66-302c-4b79-b258-73720db8b2c8-0
00:29:25.400 --> 00:29:28.680
I love Karosh that you're giving us
different stuff each time.

abb0e05c-96d6-46e9-aeb8-a91ebd6866c2-0
00:29:28.680 --> 00:29:32.839
You're you're searching for your own
authorial voice and you're learning about

abb0e05c-96d6-46e9-aeb8-a91ebd6866c2-1
00:29:32.839 --> 00:29:34.840
yourself through the process of doing.

cb002d05-1c9e-4cea-850a-871415d1c51f-0
00:29:34.840 --> 00:29:37.000
And that's what we're all here for, right?

10cdd88e-2005-4002-8a10-92390934a307-0
00:29:37.000 --> 00:29:38.400
We're just trying to express ourselves.

acee1ec3-ce70-4a5c-b5cc-9e486e1ba722-0
00:29:38.400 --> 00:29:42.280
We're just trying to create and put
something new out into the world.

cabfca89-16df-4d74-b02f-9ba87395b96b-0
00:29:42.280 --> 00:29:43.600
And you have indeed done that.

8438e9d0-4d0e-4b21-b69c-475b17295617-0
00:29:43.600 --> 00:29:45.520
So thank you so much for sharing that
with us.

558b5fa2-ee47-4c0f-96d3-586eda726478-0
00:29:45.760 --> 00:29:45.920
Yeah.

3e68e632-cc34-4c69-8725-8d6637ec9499-0
00:29:45.920 --> 00:29:48.280
And your sense of fun does shine through
in this piece.

634c1d54-8030-4d71-9599-0a2c4ccfa105-0
00:29:48.280 --> 00:29:49.720
So thank you so much, Karosh.

10361d70-6a04-4a31-ac3d-81a0ea7aba26-0
00:29:49.720 --> 00:29:54.424
And hopefully we've provided a little bit
of insight from our perspective into this

10361d70-6a04-4a31-ac3d-81a0ea7aba26-1
00:29:54.424 --> 00:29:54.760
story.

4d31a500-9eb0-4b9c-bf68-9d777fab85df-0
00:29:54.840 --> 00:29:57.560
And as always,
we look forward to your next entry.

c17f620d-8466-4e8b-989e-3a9c9194fafa-0
00:29:58.560 --> 00:30:03.735
But that about wraps it up for this
episode and we'll be back in a weeks time

c17f620d-8466-4e8b-989e-3a9c9194fafa-1
00:30:03.735 --> 00:30:07.120
with our fifth and final Daredevil for
this round.

ea6adedf-6307-4f10-95ae-35d336cd7500-0
00:30:07.440 --> 00:30:10.640
But until then, right on, right on.

ada75a65-6818-4ed8-ad5b-6bcf91300262-0
00:30:13.080 --> 00:30:16.440
We hope you enjoyed this special
Daredevil episode of Not Quite Right.

0e41fa55-7359-4c1d-8668-e0965fc120e5-0
00:30:16.800 --> 00:30:20.618
If you have thoughts on this story,
follow us on social media and join the

0e41fa55-7359-4c1d-8668-e0965fc120e5-1
00:30:20.618 --> 00:30:21.280
conversation.

3e890cf9-2215-4eb7-925b-7234ca028154-0
00:30:21.600 --> 00:30:25.203
And if you'd like to participate in the
next round of the competition,

3e890cf9-2215-4eb7-925b-7234ca028154-1
00:30:25.203 --> 00:30:27.640
head over to our website at notquiteright.
com.

d9261322-d604-4199-9dca-216122a2cf55-0
00:30:27.920 --> 00:30:34.520
That's WRITE something doesn't seem quite
right.